Advice on relationship please? At breaking point..

[Lotte954]

Evening ladies, I've not used this site for a few years because I was expecting and needed advice (i sadly didn't have the child in the end)

But im back and in need of Advice

Basically my bf of 7 months, we are having problems and I have a few issues with how he treats me.

He made it clear he wanted me at first, dates, making an effort, complimenting me and for one minute, never thought I would be questioning his intentions with me.

After we slept together he admitted having a shady past (i understood but it felt as if he was bragging about sleeping with loads of women) my ex had the same sort of history and he cheated
So it set alarm bells ringing, we are long distance because he's in the army which makes it even worse.

He would always bring girls up, or be messaging a girl who looked shady, having a female best friend who he used to date (they act very flirty, my best friend said it's not normal) she's even said to him our relationship Is rubbing her face in it. We had drama over another girl because he wanted to fuck her after arguing and how much grief he caused me.

Im no Angel I've ranted to friends about him and he's seen the messages
I even said yes to a date when I was single (me and my bf split because he told another girl he wanted to fuck her)
I feel guilty but he just doesn't make me feel worthwhile or loved.
He was the first to mention moving in together and he asked me to be serious
Even the first to say I love you
But he was taking the piss with his friend saying he's a commitment phobe and doesn't like attachment

He gets away with so much but wouldn't even allow me to wear a skirt on a night out.

He's made me look crazy to everyone even though people mention he's gaslighting me

He's called me numerous names during arguments
Like slag, crazy, psycho, stupid and sensitive.

Broke up with me so much
Think the worst argument we had was when he wanted his Mate to message a girl for him to fuck her
I broke up with him and tried to leave
He ignored me and said cba
Some guy offered me on a date and I said yes because I was fed up (single anyway, didn't want too but I needed to get away from him)

When my bf did take me home, he was shouting at me, driving recklessly all I did was ask him why he thinks it's ok to do that to me

He said nobody likes You, I don't love you, your crazy, too sensitive

He threatened to throw me out the car so I tried leaving
He began shouting at me again and took my phone away

Tried to throw it out the window and I begged for it back
He said he will hit me and punched the dashboard.

I was so scared but forgive him

He's gone away for two months and he's already acting shady and distant
We have broke up because I mentioned my ex
Because he asked

Long story short he split up with me, accused me of cheating (me and my ex have been split for 3 yeaes) he accused me of cheating with someone else and broke up with me to teach me a lesson
Within 10 mins he had added me back and demanded an answer

Im back with him because I love him but im fed up.

Seriously, a lot of people on here should be ashamed of themselves. Attacking someone who is clearly in pain is really low. Telling her to get some self respect etc, asking her why she puts up with it/thinks he hasn't changed, insulting her, taking an aggressive tone. That doesn't really make you much better than anyone that would hurt her in a relationship. Show some more empathy and understanding people. And at least EDUCATE yourselves. Abusive relationships can and do happen to anyone. They are statistically far harder to get out of than normal relationships because they create something called trauma bonds - which create psychological/biochemical bonds with the person who is doing the harming. Just like it's harder for abused children to walk away from abusive parents, the same is true in abusive relationships. Please don't feel bad Lotte or that the problem is with you, it's not with you - it's with him. Abusive relationships knock down your self esteem, isolate you - many things happen that cause you to be thrown off balance and they make it very hard to leave. Not to mention, men are mostly likely to kill their partners after they have left - so there's one for all of you telling her to just leave.

If you can't be kind and understanding, then sit back down. And if you don't understand why you need to be, then educate yourselves on how abuse works and how traumatic and difficult it is to deal with and leave. YOU are part of the problem. If a woman comes for help and you are bashing her, YOU are harming her self esteem and making her feel worse. BE SUPPORTIVE. Or you are taking the side of the abuser. Really ask yourself if that's something to be proud of?

www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/why-do-people-stay-in-abusive-relationships/

Lotte. I'd really recommend the book "Why Does he Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft.

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656?tag=mumsnetforum-21

You can also find advice on Our Place Forum, for other people who have been abused or are still being abused and are trying to get out.

In addition, most people will struggle to understand. If people aren't showing kindness, empathy, and understanding then speak to people who show more kindness and wisdom. MANY people have been in absuive relationships and are not even aware of it. Anyone else here ever been repeatedly cheated on? That's abuse. Have a critical partner that criticises you everyday? That's abuse. A partner who guilts you into sex? Abuse. Neglects your emotional needs and makes you feel bad for having them? Abuse. Puts you down? Abuse. Puts you in front of others over and over? Abuse. Ever been in a 'toxic' relationship? That's another word for abuse? Abuse isn't just about violence and name calling, it wears many faces. While people are here judging and taring down others, they are probably blissfully unaware that they themselves have also been the victim of abuse. It happens all the time and as women we should stand up and support each other, not but the blame on the victim and criticise her and bully her. Come on guys - are we not better that? Should we not be extending empathy to each other and putting the blame on men? These are people that we meet all the time: if you don't take the side of the victim (and you bully and victim blame) then you are automatically taking the side of the abuser - because that's what they do everyday and why they think they can get away with it. And this is speaking as a someone who has worked with them. Rethink your responsibility to other women and to yourselves and try to be a bit more educated and understanding.

he accused me of cheating
That's projection right there.
Judging you by his own standards.
Well done though OP.
Do block him and look after yourself for a while.

It's been two days, im upset but it's for the best.
He's back to his old promiscuous ways and that's just something he wanted all along
He settled for me and made my life hell whilst at it.

He has complete control yet again by blocking me
I wish I'd have done it instead, was too scared to leave.

Please don’t allow this arsehole in your life. He has no intention of remaining faithful and appears to be massively controlling. How dare he tell you not to wear something!! Please, OP, block and dump him. Think how miserable he’s making you. It’s not worth it.

He's told everyone I cheated when I never and made me look like a bad person

When he all along was treating me like a doormat and messing with my head.

I'm finding it really hard
He's not bothered, carefree and chasing other women again.

Before we Broke up he even told me to put up with him adding random girls on Facebook or I can fuck off

How awful do you have to be to turn it around on someone who just wanted the best for you and to be treated with respect/happiness.

I feel like half the woman I was before I met him, don't know where my confidence has gone.

I know it's toxic but I can't help thinking about him with other people, just want the pain to stop.

He's told people im crazy too and turned everything around on me
What can I do to make them see what he is, he's already ruined my self esteem now he wants my reputation too

He sounds horrid, it's only been 7 months.... it will only get worse

Just do not associate with anyone that listens to him or wants to discuss what he has said.
You don’t have to tell anyone anything, if they want to believe him they are not worth your breath.

He came back after splitting up for 3 days.

Told me he loved me and he even said if we get back together im not putting a relationship up

So I've walked away for good
I couldn't spend everyday crying over such stupid things that shouldn't even be an issue in a relationship

It’s goid to hear you have walked away for good. Have you blocked him? Do it now

Then have a look at the links that lots of people have posted. They will really help you have the relationship that you want

Abusers target vulnerable women. Work on yourself so that you don’t fit into that category and you will find your prince. Best of luck

Well done OP.
They all try to ruin your reputation.
People who know you properly won't believe him.
People who do are not friends worth having.
Now get on that Freedom Programme asap!

He hasn't been near me in over a week which I'm thankful for

I realised this was a very toxic relationship and I'm receiving therapy on my own issues (insecurity)
My ex has issues with women and commitment

Let's face it, I was doomed to fail from day one

How do I close this thread? Thank you