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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice on relationship please? At breaking point..

62 replies

Lotte954 · 26/06/2018 02:23

Evening ladies, I've not used this site for a few years because I was expecting and needed advice (i sadly didn't have the child in the end)

But im back and in need of Advice Sad

Basically my bf of 7 months, we are having problems and I have a few issues with how he treats me.

He made it clear he wanted me at first, dates, making an effort, complimenting me and for one minute, never thought I would be questioning his intentions with me.

After we slept together he admitted having a shady past (i understood but it felt as if he was bragging about sleeping with loads of women) my ex had the same sort of history and he cheated
So it set alarm bells ringing, we are long distance because he's in the army which makes it even worse.

He would always bring girls up, or be messaging a girl who looked shady, having a female best friend who he used to date (they act very flirty, my best friend said it's not normal) she's even said to him our relationship Is rubbing her face in it. We had drama over another girl because he wanted to fuck her Sad after arguing and how much grief he caused me.

Im no Angel I've ranted to friends about him and he's seen the messages
I even said yes to a date when I was single (me and my bf split because he told another girl he wanted to fuck her)
I feel guilty but he just doesn't make me feel worthwhile or loved.
He was the first to mention moving in together and he asked me to be serious
Even the first to say I love you
But he was taking the piss with his friend saying he's a commitment phobe and doesn't like attachment

He gets away with so much but wouldn't even allow me to wear a skirt on a night out.

He's made me look crazy to everyone even though people mention he's gaslighting me

He's called me numerous names during arguments
Like slag, crazy, psycho, stupid and sensitive.

Broke up with me so much
Think the worst argument we had was when he wanted his Mate to message a girl for him to fuck her
I broke up with him and tried to leave
He ignored me and said cba
Some guy offered me on a date and I said yes because I was fed up (single anyway, didn't want too but I needed to get away from him)

When my bf did take me home, he was shouting at me, driving recklessly all I did was ask him why he thinks it's ok to do that to me

He said nobody likes You, I don't love you, your crazy, too sensitive

He threatened to throw me out the car so I tried leaving
He began shouting at me again and took my phone away

Tried to throw it out the window and I begged for it back
He said he will hit me and punched the dashboard.

I was so scared but forgive him

He's gone away for two months and he's already acting shady and distant
We have broke up because I mentioned my ex
Because he asked

Long story short he split up with me, accused me of cheating (me and my ex have been split for 3 yeaes) he accused me of cheating with someone else and broke up with me to teach me a lesson
Within 10 mins he had added me back and demanded an answer

Im back with him because I love him but im fed up.Confused

OP posts:
Lotte954 · 26/06/2018 13:35

He even said people were taking the piss out of the way I dressed and he had to reign it in.

But nobodies gonna jump to the conclusion someone's a slag based on the way they dress?
People said he's doing it, so it looks like you are dressing like a 'slag'

Dunno I've been in an abusive relationship before and compared to that it's not that bad
My ex knocked my teeth out and was controlling, I had to get help after it.

My bf can be the nicest person when he wants too and that's the person im in love with

When we are alone and he's really affectionate, he doesn't do anything in public because he hates pda

Another thing that makes me sad, I don't wanna be glued to someone 24/7 but mild pda is nice.

He has got abusive traits I agree, and I know why. It's his relationship with his father
Never being there for him, but i
tried my hardest to show him I will

OP posts:
LiteraryDevil1 · 26/06/2018 13:53

You're a fool if you stay with him. Donthe free online Freedom Programme and get away from this waste of oxygen.

Karigan198 · 26/06/2018 14:16

No just no! Don’t make excuses for him. Don’t think it’s not that bad. It is bad. And at only 7 months in it will get worse. Everything he is doing is a massive red flag. You need to leave and do the freedom programmes and find out that you are worth far far more.

Ok he hasn’t knocked your teeth in (yet) but he’s still pretty terrible.

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 26/06/2018 14:21

Run 1000 miles. Never go back. This is a narcisist. They ask you to move in, and fall in love, because they like the security and they love to play with your head. This guy will cause you ONLY grief. Being an army wife is tough even to a good man that goes on tour and doesn't cheat. However linking up with a rotter is worst plan ever. Be single. So much better. Save yourself. Be kind to yourself. Stay away from this man, he doesn't respect or love you. Make no mistake.

ChristmasFluff · 26/06/2018 15:28

You've got it the wrong way around, I'm afraid: the 'nice guy' is the act, it's the abusive shit that is the reality.

specialsubject · 26/06/2018 15:57

as I said, raise your standards .just because this one is slightly less
of a bastard doesnt mean you need to settle.

you are worth so much more.

BlatantlyPlacemarking · 26/06/2018 16:05

You need to set your bar higher. Just because he’s an improvement on your ex doesn’t mean he’s great. He’s not, he’s abusive and controlling. Set your bar much much higher than this.

Noodles4Me · 26/06/2018 16:16

He's vile and obviously despises you. Leave then get some help to understand why you can't be single and why you always want to attract men who hate you.

Good luck.

AdaArdor · 26/06/2018 18:33

Please just get out. This is not a healthy relationship.

MiniTheMinx · 26/06/2018 23:05

Oh well at least he can't knock your teeth out! But he is walking all over you. And yep his mates, and their mates will probably be laughing and he's probably giving them reason to. I can well imagine that his mates laugh at him telling them stuff about how crazy you are and you are for putting up with him.

Seriously, get out and get a happy life.

Lotte954 · 27/06/2018 17:00

He dumped me after I expressed my concerns and said I wasn't worth it anymore and he doesn't give a fuck

what now? Am I supposed to just pick up the pieces he's left behind

OP posts:
HarryLovesDraco · 27/06/2018 17:03

He didn't change, he was always a controlling, abusive, cheating arsehole. Not sure why you think he's not?

Do you not think you deserve better than this?

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 27/06/2018 17:23

Anyone can put on an act for the first 8 weeks. That was the fake him to get you to fall for him, he's now showing you who he really is.

MiniTheMinx · 27/06/2018 17:52

Yes you have to pick up the pieces, and put yourself back together.

The way he speaks to you is far worse than I would to someone I really really dont like.

Please use this opportunity he has given you to spend some time doing stuff to make you happy, strong, resilient and not vulnerable to this sort of nasty, mean, abusive and manipulate twat.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 27/06/2018 17:59

Dump him.

My 15 year old is more mature than either of you. You’re not compatible, any “relationship” between you will always be toxic and damaging.

Fannybaws52 · 27/06/2018 18:03

You need to do the Freedom programme because your 'normal' meter is really broken!

This relationship wasn't love. It was abuse and immature drama. It may have excited you but he made you a door mat and even told you his friends laugh at you. He has shown you his true face and how he feels. Listen to him and move on. Spend some time alone so you can figure out how to deflect these abusing arseholes.

AngelsSins · 27/06/2018 18:27

It’s scary how fast he’s escalated and I would not find it hard to believe for one second, that he would be raping you and beating you by this time next year.

Orangecake123 · 27/06/2018 18:39

Real men do not act like this and there is nothing healthy about this relationship. Get out now. Abuse ALWAYS escalates.

Tinklikescoffee · 27/06/2018 19:45

Get away from this nasty piece of work! There are good men out there, my first love was abusive and breaking up was hard, but I'm so relieved I did it! You are worth so much more, remember there's only one of you and you are unique - good luck

LiteraryDevil1 · 27/06/2018 20:11

If I've read that right and he's dumped you then he's saved you the job and you can now start your new life without him. If he hasn't dumped you then fgs dump him.

LadyLoveYourWhat · 27/06/2018 20:29

Please take the gift he has given you by breaking up and stay away, block him everywhere and move on, so you can build yourself back up. You cannot fix him and no matter how nice he is occasionally it is not worth the awful way he treats you. You deserve so much more - normal loving relationships do not look like this. Previous posters have mentioned the Freedom Programme, please think about doing it before getting involved with anyone else

Gruffalina72 · 27/06/2018 21:00

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

You fell into the common trap of leaving one abusive relationship behind and then comparing the next man to your previous abusive partner and concluding that because the new one behaved differently the new one was not abusive.

Unfortunately, you misjudged. Different abusers use different selections of tactics. It doesn't mean they're less abusive, they're just differently abusive.

The man you've described here is extremely abusive. He just has different preferences as to how he goes about it. They're not "abusive traits", they're acts of full on abuse and degradation.

And yes, you feel like you love him because he shamelessly love bombed you in the beginning.

Please look at the Freedom Programme. That is how you pick up the pieces. Knowledge is power - arm yourself so you don't end up being mistreated again and again.

It will help you understand what is crystal clear to all of us but that you seem to be struggling to see. It will help you spot the warning signs in future so you don't end up with another cruel man like this one. It will help you understand how he's harmed you (for instance by utterly trashing your sense of self worth and what is right and normal behaviour) and how you can and will heal.

It will teach you what a healthy, normal relationship looks like (spoiler: nothing like anything you have described here).

You will be so much better without this man in your life. You will end up in so many more shattered pieces if you chase after him. It's hard right now, but it is temporary.

Lotte954 · 28/06/2018 21:40

He tried to say he loves me and come back.

Not long after he accused me of cheating when I never and blocked me. Called me crazy again.

No doubt he will be back in my inbox within the next day or so but I will block him.

OP posts:
Wetwashing00 · 28/06/2018 21:47

Pretty much the whole relationship
Is one big drama after another.
If you’re having this much hassle after 7 months it’s quite obvious it’s not gonna Work out the way you want.

I’d be blocking & ignoring every phone call/ text or Facebook request.
It’s really not worth it, and just because you’ve had nice times together doesn’t mean you should hang on for those.

What a headache, best of luck

Lotte954 · 28/06/2018 21:57

Never a problem till he acted like a dickhead, I wasn't gonna put up with it.

He esculated every talk we had into an argument and say horrible things. Was pretty much a reasonable gf

The first thought I had of something being up was when he told me I can't wear certain things, Ok found it unfair and was just fed up with the double standards

I admit i sunk down to his childish level to hurt him but he just didn't care. Next time I get a gut feeling im listening to it.

Shame as well I turned down a decent person for my ex
Oh well

Thank you for the advice Smile I'll have a look at the links too

OP posts:
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