Should I leave my partner due to infertility issues?

[Lilmisschatabox31]

Me & my partner have been together nearly 5 years. For the last 3 years we have been trying for a baby & got no where.
We have been for all the tests ( I am fine my eggs are just decreasing a little quicker than normal for my age.... 31 )
My partners sperm count & motility are normal just his sperm shape is at 1% when apparently it should be at 4% for a healthy shape.
Does anybody know anything about this??
My partner is 33
Do I even have a chance of getting pregnant really??
We were told we could get pregnant naturally or to go down the ivf route. ( truth is we can’t afford it ) and if I’m honest why should I pay for something when I know I can naturally get pregnant???!!!
My partner isn’t willing to try a sperm donor, foster etc
I currently have a child who is now 6 years old from a previous relationship
I have always wanted lots of children & although I know some women never get to experience it at all I should be grateful ...well I am I just feel it’s so unfair not to go on & have more when I can and would like too.
I also work with children & have done ever since leaving school.
I believe it’s what I’m put on this earth to do, love & care for all children.
It breaks my heart that I don’t get a chance of a proper happily ever after.
I feel as though I have met the man I always wished for but yet I find myself more & more now wanting to give him a chance of trying with someone else ( maybe we’re just not meant to have children together ) maybe he isn’t my soul mate. Maybe it will work for him with someone else?
Our relationship is good and we’re so happy but this just breaks me every time. There’s nothing we can do and we can’t afford to try for ivf! I feel hopeless
Each time someone new tells me there pregnant I feel so sad & upset, angry & I can’t seem to shake the feelings off. I would just like to be happy for others but I can’t.
It’s eating me up & I don’t know what to do to make things get better.

I'm not sure you should stay with this man. But for what it's worth my DH had a very, very low sperm count with a high percentage of anomalies and we were advised that we wouldn't be able to conceive. There are lots of us here on Mumsnet. We were lucky as DH responded well to lifestyle changes and we conceived naturally.

Your DP sounds like a good man, he's accepted your daughter for the last five years. I understand that fertility issues can be all consuming but a good partner is a wonderful thing to have.

I think you love the children you haven't had yet more than him. This is not love. Let him go and give him the chance to be with someone who loves him. The longer you stay with him the more resentful you are going to get. This relationship is over.

I never asked my DH whether he wanted children because I knew 100% that I wanted to be with him regardless of the outcome.
He did want children and we were lucky enough to have one. We then had secondary infertility.
I never occurred to me to leave him and find someone else who might be able to have a second child.
Either the relationship is right or it’s not.

You also need to understand that you might leave him and meet someone else but still have infertility.

I’m afraid your OP sounds quite shallow and self obsessed.

I think the ops getting a very hard time here.

Having dcs has always been more important to me than any partner ever would be.

I wouldn’t sacrifice my fertility for anyone.

Having dcs isn’t something you can come to easy compromises on.

It’s sounds like dp isn’t willing to compromise on donors/etc so why should the op be expected to?

Is the issue more that he is not willing to consider any other options like donor sperm? Has he shut down any discussion about what happened next?

I think OP is perfectly justified in leaving over this. Isn't it accepted here that if a relationship isn't making you happy its best to leave? Is the difference here that its a physical medical problem he can't help. But then he is unwilling to consider donor sperm, which should be taken into account.

I don't think all these critical responses are fair. It is OK for the op to ask these questions.

I think that the two obvious solutions of either ivf or donor sperm are being dismissed far too quickly.

You dismiss IVF as being too expensive. Quick Google puts the cost at £5000 per cycle which yes is a lot but a new member of your family will also cost a few thousand extra every year so it must be feasible for you you make economies or otherwise shift things around or you wouldn't be able to consider another child. Even if you were both on not much more than min wage you could save up £5,000 by doing a extra 6 hours work a week each for a year.

Your partner is also being unreasonable to refuse to entertain the notion of using donor sperm. It's not fair of him to veto this. If ivf can't happen then this is the obvious next option. If he would feel uncomfortable with anonymous donation would he consider asking one of his male relatives to be a donor?

You may turn out to be right that this issue spells the end of your relationship but not because of you op - it is your dp's selfish refusal to care about your need for motherhood that is threatening your relationship and if he understands that he may yet change.

OP I've been there. I was a bit older than you and had two children. the difference is that I did get pregnant, amazingly 1st time trying but miscarried and then nothing. Went for tests, expected issue to be with me, it wasn't. I was more upset than he was. We talked about IVF, decided to wait and save, had appointments, more tests, and then OH admitted that through that whole process, he'd decided that he was sure about being a father any longer. It was a massive blow in every aspects.

In the end, we compromised on trying naturally as part of him still wanted it. We knew it was not impossible since it had happened, just that odds were against us. I did everything, absolutely everything to increase the odds but it just didn't happen. For a couple of years, I cried or felt really low each month and then gradually it got a bit easier until I reached the point when I actually found myself happy to be childfree, really.

One thing for sure though, I have NEVER considered leaving my partner. The problem was never his, it was ours as a couple.Yes I wanted to be a mum again, but not so much that I would have given him up, otherwise, I would have just gone the donor route before I met him.

I can understand considering leaving if it meant never experience motherhood at all, but you do have a child already. You are more fortunate than some people who can't be.

I have to say that as others posters have written, if this is really how you feel, your OH is better off without you. Maybe you can tell him how you fell and let him decide?

I chose to stay with my infertile partner, now DH, rather than seek a new one because I love him. I decided I preferred a future with him but without kids than being without him. He tried to push me away when he found out he was infertile aged 34.

I do struggle sometimes with being 37 and childless, but I'm learning to cope.

You need to either learn to do the same or leave him is he doesn't want to explore other options.

You have no guarantee of another successful pregnancy with anyone or any treatment though.

You love the idea of children more than your partner quite clearly.

All your talk of soul mates and multiple children being your reason for living is just childish maybe grow up a bit and then think about what's important in life. Who's to say you'll even meet anyone else to try with? Infertility is hard but there are other options which you don't seem willing to try for some reason just dump the love of your life and move on to someone else in order to get what you want that makes sense

He should LTB

Your post mentions ’I’ a lot so reads like you're actually asking if you should leave him so that you stand a better chance of meeting someone else and not you ’setting him free’ to have a family with someone else. You say your fertility is fine and the problem doesn't lie with you and that you desperately want a bigger family and I’m assuming you're musing over your chances at getting pregnant by another partner. If there was issues on your side and you were offering to leave him I'd say don't do it as there is more to life than having more children and you've found an amazing partner who I'm sire loves you for you but it all reads like you're looking for permission to leave him to give you a chance and I think if you're going to resent and blame him for not being able to have children then yes, you should leave him because its not fair on him. He deserves to be loved for him as a person and not his ability to procreate and if you can't make peace with your situation and enjoy your relationship then you should end it.

Firstly secondary infertility is a thing so just because you conceived before doesn’t mean it’s all his fault. Immune issues don’t show on normal tests but get more of an issue with each pregnancy so one pregnancy could have sent yours all over the place

Secondly if you can’t afford Ivf I doubt you can afford doner sperm as it costs a fair bit even if you go the iui route

It sounds like you haven’t really addressed your infertility properly as a couple If you can’t do that then yes you possibly are better off apart

This happened to me a few years ago. We'd been together many years and trying to conceive for a few.

He didn't want to get tested even though I was investigated. I was convinced it was my problem because I was older, even though they couldn't find anything unusual and my hormone levels were ok.

I took a long hard look at my life and I realised I didn't want to do another decade in the relationship without children and if I was going to be childfree I wanted to have a fresh start.

It turned out that it was his count that was very low but by then I had already started to prepare myself emotionally to leave.

We split but then got back together, I was going to go through implantation with him but by some miracle we conceived naturally.

The tragic thing though was that the damage was done and soon after our baby was born the relationship broke down.

Time doesn't stand still for anyone and neither do people.

We had similar fertility issues. I’ll admit it pushed us to breaking point, brought out the worst in both of us. I assumed it was me - I was overweight with all my weight round my tummy, irregular cycles so suspected PCOS. Turned out it was male factor. I never wanted to leave him because of it though. I’d rather have a life with him than a family with someone else. I agree with pp - you clearly love the idea of a big family more than you love him and yes, you need to think about what this means long term.

Has he had his prolactin levels tested? It’s worth checking with an SA like that. This was DH’s problem and I got pregnant after the underlying cause was treated.

I think leaving a relationship for those reasons are valid.... because you'll only be miserable and he with you.

I'm just grateful that my DH didn't see it that way. He had no problems with his sperm, it was all down to me. I did at times feel that I wasn't being fair to him, but he wouldn't let me say that. Because at the end of the day he didn't just want children, he wanted me to be the mother of those children. He wanted children with me.

We adopted our DDs eventually. For us it was absolutely the right thing to do, and despite all the difficulties we're having with DD1, we've never looked back.

I think a lot of couples break up over fertility in an attempt to get control in a situation where they have none, people find it hard to accept uncertainty.

Hi OP I've been where you are quite recently, even down to details like your age and decreasing egg numbers. We made a specialist appointment for my DH, assumed we would have to do ICSI. In the meantime we were advised he should take proxeed- it's a sperm supplement, a drink you make from these powders and have them twice a day. I don't want to give you quack advice I'm just saying it has hopefully worked for us (haven't had 12 week scan yet) and I think these helped.

We were told sperm regenerates every three months and respond well to this kind of thing including lifestyle changes (no caffeine, alcohol etc.) if your partner is willing j would give it three months on a new regime and have his sperm reassessed before you make a decision. Good luck.

You know any future partner may have similar issues?

Its all a bit contradictory - children are clearly very important but just not enough for you to want to save for IVF.

That said IVF is hard work and successful outcomes are never a given and with your mindset you'd resent every part of it - so yes it's probably time to split up.

I think you should try counselling for yourself. You have an ideal image in your head of how your life 'should be'. And this "it breaks my heart that I don’t get a chance of a proper happily ever after."
You need help to get past this. Nothing in life is certain or guaranteed. You have to 'have' what you have today - today is the life you have and make today a happy day. Not the ideal picture of you surrounded by the many kids who will provide you with love. If you left this man, who loves you, you love him and he is a great dad to your child, you would be leaving him for the wrong reasons.

OP, infertility is hugely traumatic so I agree with the last poster that counselling would be a good idea. Try to go easy on yourself and your husband. Best of luck

I think some of the responses are un-necessarily harsh and lacking in empathy.

It is well known that infertility can be deeply distressing. I experienced secondary infertility and it put me in a deep low where I had all kinds of irrational thoughts and desperate ideas.

Yes, the OPs language is a bit flowery but she has been branded 'immature'? Have a bit of compassion.

My ex partner left because of my fertility issues. In hindsight he'd always been a selfish uncompassionate dickhead.

OP you should leave your partner so he can find someone that loves him for who he is, imperfections and all.

If you want for more children exceeds your want to be with your partner then yes, you should leave but just remember life doesn’t offer guarantees. Your resentment of his ‘failure’ to be the stud you wanted will only get worse.

I think you really need to be careful not to make any rash decisions. It sounds as if you have a partner who loves you very much and is also a great stepdad to your DD. You have an awful lot to lose, and there's no certainty that you'll ever get pregnant again anyway. There are no guarantees in life.