Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

My sister hits her husband

46 replies

LoyaltiesLie · 24/06/2018 21:56

My sister has been with her husband for 10yrs+. They have two small children together.

She has always been quite verbally abusive towards him, putting him down and belittling him, calling him names....often in front of other people.
I have tried pulling her up on this in the past but just got a load of verbal about how I don't understand what goes on behind closed doors and how tough her life is, he deserves it etc.

He is a good husband who provides and takes care of her and their sons, and has a good job. She also works but he is main breadwinner and is progressing well in his career.

I have recently found out that this verbal abuse has escalated to physical abuse and that she quite often slaps him and hits him. He has played it down, and says he is still happy with her and understands why she gets upset at him, but I am shocked and horrified.

I'm in a difficult position as her sister, our brother wouldn't get involved so it's only me who could possibly intervene. Our parents aren't around. She is a good sister, a lovely helpful person who would help you out at the drop of a hat. She must be suffering herself to be acting this way, and so I'm worried about her as well as being worried about her husband.

My question is...how/do I broach this? Is it even my place? I don't think her husband would appreciate my interference, neither would she. She is quick-tempered (obviously) and also going through some stresses of her own...but I do not want to act as if this is not happening. I am also concerned for her boys.

It goes without saying that were the situation reversed, I would definitely be encouraging my sister to leave and pointing her in the direction of Women's Aid etc...but I've hit a brick wall trying to broach the subject with him at all so I know he will not be doing anything himself to change it.

Any advice? Thank you in advance.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 24/06/2018 22:03

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2018/04/16/controlling-girlfriend-first-woman-convicted-new-domestic-abuse/amp/

She may not be as bad ...but she's abusive. It's a crime.

m0vinf0rward · 24/06/2018 22:17

Report her to the police for his sake....and hers.

MajesticWhine · 24/06/2018 22:18

It's a difficult situation, but it would be good if you could broach it with your sister. She can't honestly be happy with this situation. Maybe she could contact Respect as a first step?
respect.uk.net/information-support/domestic-violence-perpetrators/
How did you find out what's happening?
As a last resort you could contact social services with the information and she might get some help this way. Would she know it was you? It would not be my choice to do this to my sister. But it might be the best thing in the long run to stop this situation.

candlefloozy · 24/06/2018 22:21

Reverse the roles. How would you feel if he was hitting her and what would you say to her or him?
Can't be good if the kids are witnessing that. Maybe ask if she's ok and if she's stressed out etc?

HyenaHappy · 24/06/2018 22:24

Does she have sons? Would she like them to grow up to be called names/mocked/hit/slapped by their girlfriends and wives?

Thought not.

Revolting behaviour.

I don’t know how you go about dealing with this but I feel so sorry for her husband and any children that she may have to grow up in a home where one parent is violent to another. Maybe an anonymous call to Social Services just to log it? It may well be that if she’s shouting and there’s sounds of slapping etc then her neighbours may have logged it anyway. I hope so.

Helmetbymidnight · 24/06/2018 22:25

This must be really hard and I feel for you.

How do you know? Are you sure?

I guess first step would be to speak with her, (have some orgs that could help to hand) try to get her to talk about what’s going on...try not to be too judgemental (obvs) or she won’t open up...

newdaylight · 24/06/2018 22:26

You've obviously spoken to them and it's had no impact. But clearly not ok for kids to be growing up in that. Social care would be able to signpost them for help and advise them of the likely impact on the children

MunchausensLovelyHorse · 24/06/2018 22:35

How did you find out what's happening?

I think this is an important question. Did you see it? You imply you were told - by whom?

You could be a key witness. It IS awful being involved in another family's DV situation; but it will impact on the children in the end. Probably is Impacting already.

Do you yourself have any support?

Original poster

LoyaltiesLie · 24/06/2018 22:51

Thank you for your replies.

Our mutual friend saw her slap him after an arguement one day (I don't think my sister realised friend saw) and friend told me about it.
I then brought it up at a later date with BIL and he just laughed and said 'it's not the first time'...he really down played it and just made the firm point that he's happy and not considering leaving/doing anything about it. I think he just accepts she's 'difficult' and loves her regardless...

We have mutual friends as quite close in age and live very close to each other, kids at same school etc...and it's been mentioned between us how badly she speaks to him and how he just puts up with it.

I don't know if the boys have witnessed physical things, or how frequent they are...they are happy well behaved kids but there is obviously going to be some impact.

OP posts:

Sisterlove · 24/06/2018 23:22

I recently found out that my BIL abuses his partner/GF. .. I was devastated. That's my DHs brother and I struggled to sleep for days because of it.

In this case she told me about the abuse, but she refuses to leave him.

I'm angry she keeps herself in that situation, but victims often have low self esteem and men are even less likely to report abuse from a woman. If she slapped him in public, Lord knows what she does in private.

I heard about the case posted earlier. Even when challenged by police, who knew his GF was abusing him, he was still scared and didn't admit it.

Your BIL is a victim.

It must be much worse for you as it's your blood relation. I feel bad that my DHS brother beats his DP and is verbally abusive - my DH is even more ashamed he refuses to talk about it. Don't be like him.

I know if my blood relative was the abuser I'd try and do more, but it's so hard when the victim won't get out.

My SIL has had her head pushed into the floor and she stays. Tbh, I'm so pissed off that I've pulled away from her.

It's tough.

Branleuse · 24/06/2018 23:34

I'd probably try and encourage my sister to leave a man that she hated that much, for the sake of the children. I'd also pull her up for slapping him

letsallhaveanap · 24/06/2018 23:42

Get her on her own somewhere private and just have it out with her face to face in as straightforward as possible... whilst trying not to be too aggressive about it...
Say you personally feel she may be struggling with things and that even though you know you dont see many parts of her relationship, what you do see has you very worried... tell her that you love her but you find her behaviour very disturbing and you are worried about its impact on her family.
Just try and get her to open up about it and engage....
What shes doing is totally awful but you stand a better chance of making it stop by appealing to her better nature and trying to get her to actually admit to it and seek help than you do going in all gins blazing and telling her shes a shit person/ringing the police on her...
It would be different if her partner actually admitted what she was doing and wanted help... but as it stands all that will happen if you take a hard line is that she will react angrily and distance herself from you which puts him at even more risk....
Id seriously try and get her to acknowledge what she is doing and seek help for her anger issues... I think you should try and do something obviously because that poor guy and her children will be badly effected... but it is so difficult if hes not actually on board with it... You will have to tread extremely carefully to avoid not just being cut out of the situation entirely and then even less able to help

ferando81 · 25/06/2018 00:11

He might be happy with her but she obviously isn't happy with him.You don't put down people you love and certainly don't hit them .She doesn't like him she should leave

LadyDeadpool · 25/06/2018 00:18

Maybe he is as much to blame for the conflict or he is getting something out of this?

Wow. That has got to win victim blamer of the month surely? You'd never dare to say that if the sexes were reversed. Perhaps he was putting on a front? Is too scared to leave? Like the hundreds of women stuck in abusive situations are. That comment is absolutely vile and I think you should be ashamed of yourself for it.

SleepingStandingUp · 25/06/2018 00:24

It seems bizarre that he would say he was happy and had no intention of leaving when you say that she calls him names and even slapped him. Maybe he is as much to blame for the conflict or he is getting something out of this?
He's a man taking about domestic abuse in a society where we minimise female on male violence and deride the men who "let their partners hit them" but yeah, because he's male he's obviously asking for it or enjoying it. Can't possibly be embarrassment, shame, fear of losing his kids. No woman who has been abused has ever refused to leave or still loved the abusive partner. Nah, all his fault door having a penis

Raven88 · 25/06/2018 00:31

@Branleuse He might be scared so played it down. If he leaves he will probably have to fight for access. .

Whatthefoxgoingon · 25/06/2018 00:33

Totally unacceptable. I’d encourage him to report to the police. In an ideal world. Most likely he will minimise and she will keep going as she is

SandyY2K · 25/06/2018 00:40

It seems bizarre that he would say he was happy and had no intention of leaving

Shame a d embarrassment can keep people in relationships.

He's a victim of abuse.

You're victim blaming.

Sunnyjac · 25/06/2018 06:58

Agree with PPs, this must be reported to social services if only to ensure the children are not raised in an abusive home.
And branleuse victim blaming much. Take your views and stick them where the sun don’t shine

Mum4Fergus · 25/06/2018 07:06

For the sake and sanity of the 2 DCs I'd report her...anonymous if needs be, but still report x

FuckPants · 25/06/2018 07:17

Maybe he is as much to blame for the conflict or he is getting something out of this?

What the actual fuck?!

offside · 25/06/2018 07:57

Branleuse victim blaming? Doubt you’d have the same response if the abuse was the other way round.

I really hope your BIL sees the situation for what it is soon, especially as they have children.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/06/2018 08:17

Men as well as women can be in abusive relationships and such actions within those are all about power and control. She has a problem with anger, his anger when he calls her out on her unreasonable behaviours. Anger Management courses are no answer to domestic violence and the harm being done to these children is incalculable. Abusers as well can act and be plausible to those in the outside world so was not totally surprised to read your comment about how helpful she can be. If she is belittling him so in public then what is she doing to him behind closed doors?.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE. Your BIL needs support in order to leave your violent sister. Fear of her, fear of losing their kids, his misplaced senses of shame and embarrassment, money problems; all those factors and many more besides come into play in situations like this.

Would he be willing to talk to an organisation like Mankind?. He needs support. I would also contact Social Services re the children who are likely seeing and hearing a lot more than is perhaps realised at home. Bad things happen as well when good people stand by and do nothing. You cannot do nothing LoyaltiesLie, you have seen how she is towards him in public.

On a much wider level did you yourself grow up in a verbally or otherwise violent household?.

Branleuse · 25/06/2018 09:16

can i say that i would likely have a different response if the perp was male, of course i would, because a woman is generally in more physical danger than the other way round, because of strength issues, and female domestic violence doesnt tend to present in the same way. Its usuallyat a lower level and the man would not likely be in the same sort of immediate risk as if the sexes were reversed, so whilst it should be taken seriously, theres little point treating this the same as a man beating his wife. From what is said here it was a slap in argument. They just need to split
Noone should be hitting anyone. I would be urging action as nobody should be experiencing or witnessing violence, but id want to establish what was actually going on. Is she actually beating him and hes scared, or has she developed MH issues. Is there something she is not coping with. Is this regular occurance.
I think if he wont leave and they are both minimising it, you are unlikely to be able to force the issue. I would concentrate on the children angle as they are witnessing a toxic relationship

Branleuse · 25/06/2018 09:33

id concentrate on the OP though rather than ripping my post apart. Its not about me, although its nice to get all the mentions of course x

Flip

1 2

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.