My sister hits her husband

[LoyaltiesLie]

My sister has been with her husband for 10yrs+. They have two small children together.

She has always been quite verbally abusive towards him, putting him down and belittling him, calling him names....often in front of other people.
I have tried pulling her up on this in the past but just got a load of verbal about how I don't understand what goes on behind closed doors and how tough her life is, he deserves it etc.

He is a good husband who provides and takes care of her and their sons, and has a good job. She also works but he is main breadwinner and is progressing well in his career.

I have recently found out that this verbal abuse has escalated to physical abuse and that she quite often slaps him and hits him. He has played it down, and says he is still happy with her and understands why she gets upset at him, but I am shocked and horrified.

I'm in a difficult position as her sister, our brother wouldn't get involved so it's only me who could possibly intervene. Our parents aren't around. She is a good sister, a lovely helpful person who would help you out at the drop of a hat. She must be suffering herself to be acting this way, and so I'm worried about her as well as being worried about her husband.

My question is...how/do I broach this? Is it even my place? I don't think her husband would appreciate my interference, neither would she. She is quick-tempered (obviously) and also going through some stresses of her own...but I do not want to act as if this is not happening. I am also concerned for her boys.

It goes without saying that were the situation reversed, I would definitely be encouraging my sister to leave and pointing her in the direction of Women's Aid etc...but I've hit a brick wall trying to broach the subject with him at all so I know he will not be doing anything himself to change it.

Any advice? Thank you in advance.

She is teaching her son's what is "normal" in a relationship, she should think on that.

Yes a man may be able to physically hurt a woman more. That doesn't take into account, the emotional damage. Or the damage to children. Physical violence isn't just damaging because of the physical damage you can inflict. This woman has been emotionally abusing this man for years and it's escalated. As it usually does.

No one should be physically or emotionally abusing anyone. And if women are never responsible for the abuse they receive, neither are men who are victims.

Victim blaming isn't anything to do with how much one person could hurt another. That doesn't make victims blaming ok.

And I doubt anyone would be worrying about a male perpetrators mental health. The only people's mental health that anyone should be worrying about is that if the victim and the children.

sure, there is the emotional abuse to take into consideration too, but as the woman is the OPs sister, I think there is possibly an obligation there to find out what the hell is actually going on in that relationship and work to support her sister leaving this toxic relationship, or getting some sort of help to end this cycle of abuse if neither of them actually do want to leave.

I agree with that, but that still doesn't mean he is responsible for causing it or getting something out of it.

How close are you to BIL? Abusers rarely change, theres no point persuading your dsis she did something wrong. She wont change.

I would report to child services, and consider telling someone who is in a good position to support BIL and persusde him to leave (with the kids) such as a member of his family.

I'm horrified reading some of the responses to this. You would not be coming out with this crap if it was a woman being slapped by a man

no, because that would be objectively a much higher risk to her life, because of course male pattern violence and male strength and the sheer amount of women killed by intimate partners.
Women do perpetrate domestic violence too, but its rare that a man would be in immediate danger of losing his wife, so whilst its still awful and reprehensible, im not going to start treating a woman that slapped a bloke in an argument the same as a 6ft3 wife beater. Id want to know more about what the hell is actually going on as it cant continue.
If it was a bloke hitting a woman, its starting to be a whole different ball game.

losing his life, not his wife *

anyway, said my opinion, its not my thread. I think the OP has a duty to talk to her sister with a view to damage limitation.
I am NOT saying that violence is OK. It just all sounds very odd, and im assuming the OP and her sister are not close

I would have to say something and be prepared to walk away though

I think the angle of the damage it perpetuates on the kids , and the fact that it’s not normal and healthy might be a way to start

But yeah be prepared for a rift with her .

You are a good sister and aunt

Any DV organisation/professional will tell you not to tell the victim that they should leave. It is counterproductive. You can only support them to reach that decision for themselves. It has to be their own decision.

Advice here on how to support someone you suspect or know is being abused, still applicable the other way around:

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/im-worried-about-someone-else/

I would report to the police. Your sister needs help and it isn’t the first time.

Thank you all for replying.

It is tough because I do not want to damage my relationship with my sister. She is not volatile in any other aspect of life, nor in any other relationships so she literally must save it all up for him.

I guess I will have to take the softly-softly approach and try to edge it into our conversations. She has gotten very defensive in the past which is why I haven't pursued it...it's so tricky.

I don't see him without seeing her too of course, so trying to talk to him will be more difficult but I will try.

Maybe he is as much to blame for the conflict or he is getting something out of this?

Poisonous. Absolutely poisonous. And really fucking wrong.

OP when I was being battered my friend observed that he was showing my son how to be a man. I left, because the last time he hit me it was in front of my boy.

Does she want her sons to think that’s normal? For them to be punched and slapped?

Your relationship with your sister is already harmed because you know she is harming your BIL both in public and behind closed doors.

Abusive people are often quite plausible to those in the outside world so her apparent niceness towards you and others is not surprising at all.

Do read the link that Eryngium posted.

My SIL went to therapy because her violence towards her husband was putting her marriage at risk. I presume it was successful, but they live in another country so I can't swear to it. I did however notice that she really matured and benefitted from the therapy.

After my husband had a six month affair after years of marriage we were separated but found because of finanances we were living in house together. I must addmit at times I confronted my husband aggressively and threatened to hit him with a cushion . We now spend time apart whenever we can . I was nt an aggressive person before his affair !

@Branleuse how the hell do you know that the OP's sister isn't bigger and stronger than her husband?,I'm actually shocked with the rubbish coming from you,you truly are a disgustingly vile😡

I then brought it up at a later date with BIL and he just laughed and said 'it's not the first time'...he really down played it and just made the firm point that he's happy and not considering leaving/doing anything about it. I think he just accepts she's 'difficult' and loves her regardless...

I personally don't think that going to the police or calling SS will get you positive results. It sounds like they'd both deny it / play it down...

You could try to have a calm and honest talk with your sister.

And / or to talk to your BIL (separately) as well. Just telling him that it's in your opinion unacceptable and physically abusive (that the gender won't change anything) might be good to hear...

I'm actually shocked with the rubbish coming from you

I agree.

Some people find it hard to accept or comprehend that women can be violent in relationships towards men.

Suggestions like he may be causing the conflict are made, when it would never be the case if the roles were reversed.

When such excuses are made...think how you'd feel if this was your son...your brother...your cousin...your friend.

I had an acquaintance who was a male victim of dv, a big strong bloke, mimised everything she did until she attacked him in front of his kids at which point he involved the police.

She denied everything, the police asked about the scratches at which point she said she might have attached him a bit.

I then found out that attacking him like that was not the norm, she would generally throw things at him which included a pan of boiling pasta once which he saw coming and avoided by dodging behind a door.

The idea that the level of threat from a womam isn't particularly significant because a man is typically bigger and stronger doesn't reflect the fact that the abuser is already aware of that fact and will either use items as weapons or knows the man will not retaliate.