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Original poster

Are all men selfish or just mine...

58 replies

mrsflems1 · 24/06/2018 21:11

Long rant alert, but I’m at the end of my tether with my husband and his selfish inconsiderate behaviour.

He works hard... yes.... but so the hell do I bringing in the same income. We have 2 boys, I work 4 days a week and also have my own business as well doing freelance PA work, I do everything for the boys and in the house and tonight he has tipped me over the edge.

He has been working constantly lately building a house for a friend, so late nights and every weekend for weeks. He finally finished the job yesterday and I thought we would get some normality back and could actually sit down to eat a meal together. He wasn’t in ten minutes yesterday and went to our friends house as he needed a drill, he was gone for over 3 hours. Today I made a lovely dinner and he was taking our friends son home as I was cooking the meal, I told him not to be long as it would be ready in 5 minutes. An hour later he came in, kids and I had already had our dinner and I had put his in the bin.

He thinks he’s perfectly entitled to come and go as he pleases and doesn’t think of anyone else. However on raising it when he came back I’m crazy and everything that’s wrong is down to my mental health.

I’m so angry and upset, I just feel so taken for granted but he can’t see when he does anything wrong - he’s always the victim! Still a mummy’s boy at 37 years old!

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 25/06/2018 09:14

WHY have you never asked him to do stuff? My dh does half the housework and childcare when I’m working full time. I wouldn’t want a relationship otherwise much less cook his dinners.

Ophelialovescats · 25/06/2018 09:36

You both work outside the home and have young children! So, how come you're the only one doing all the housework and childcare?

Original poster
mrsflems1 · 25/06/2018 09:53

I actually feel like a complete idiot. I have allowed this to happen! He thinks because he works hard in a physical job that he shouldn't have to do his share. I work hard too but he thinks because I sit at a desk all day I don't have the same pressure as him.

I feel like a skivvy! Last night I left the house and went to my parents and didn't want to go back home, that's a horrible way to feel. I knew he would blame it all on me.

He has always been such a mummy's boy and when living with her he done as he pleased and the way he spoke to her was terrible, they had switched roles of adult and parent and he thinks he can do the same with me. The tables are turning today, I'm not standing for it anymore but I do think I would be as well hitting my head of a wall as he wont listen as he's never wrong!

OP posts:
CaledonianQueen · 25/06/2018 10:08

I take it your ‘best’ friend is a woman op?

Is she married? Is it her house he has been building? I would be very, very wary if this is the case. Your husband spent three hours fetching a drill from your friends house, then played Daddy to her son! Whilst leaving you and your children home alone!

She wouldn’t be the first best friend to have an affair with her besties husband! I would be checking his phone and all social media!

Original poster
mrsflems1 · 25/06/2018 10:12

@CaledonianQueen you are way off the mark there. Yes my best friend is married, it was her husband he was talking to whilst he was there as her and I were on the phone.

No it wasn't her house he was building he was building a house through work with his workmate and our nephew who are also carpenters.

OP posts:
StormcloakNord · 25/06/2018 10:14

@yorkshireyummymummy what an absolute pile of shite.

My DP is the complete opposite of selfish. He puts everyone first especially in our family. I would actually say I'm the more selfish out the two of us.

Singlenotsingle · 25/06/2018 10:29

yorkshiremummy - I agree entirely. But there exceptions , (and luckily I've got one.).

You can even see it in small children. Little boys (I'm talking say, 3 years old) are often self centred, bossy, thoughtless. Little girls are usually more caring.

It's the old nature/nurture argument, isn't it.

Blaablaablaa · 25/06/2018 11:45

@single it is nuture - we teach our children to be altruistic or selfish. Branding boys as mainly selfish and girls as caring us dangerous and just perpetuates gender stereotypes.

I know lots of three year olds and I see caring boys and selfish girls and more often than not you can see where they have learned their behaviour.

Notthemessiah · 25/06/2018 11:51

Such a load of old shit. You could just as easily say women are more genetically predisposed to do the washing up as you more often see them doing it than men.

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 25/06/2018 12:00

Only thing I would say is that after a period of working all hours it can be hard to just transition straight back into family life. I've noticed that dh and I both take some time to swap out of the work mindset after a very intensive period of work.

TeacupTattoo · 25/06/2018 12:01

The fact he talks to his mother disrespectfully says a lot about him. He is an adult and making his own choice to be like this. If he didn't live with you he would have to cook, clean, etc after his day at work - WHY does he think it acceptable to never do those things just because you live in the house? He's taken you for granted...but you can change the dynamic of you want to.
Btw, my husband works 12 hour shifts in a physically exhausting job, and yes I have a dinner ready for him to come home to, or a cooked breakfast on night shift, but on his days off he washes up, does washing, mops, anything that needs doing really because he is a grown man who respects me and our family and we can have more fun together once chores are done. This isn't wussy, it's a lovely decent man. It took me a long time to find him though!

PhaedrasChocolate · 25/06/2018 12:05

It's a person issue, not a gender issue.

Tbh my dp would always leave himself the crappiest lamb chop... But he is selfish in other ways, as am I. In fact, I'm probably much more selfish than he is.

Disquieted1 · 25/06/2018 12:27

Some of these posts are shameful.

Go to the Somme. See the endless graves of the 70000 young men who died fighting for your freedom.
Selfish bastards the lot of them.

SleepingStandingUp · 25/06/2018 12:46

You can even see it in small children. Little boys (I'm talking say, 3 years old) are often self centred, bossy, thoughtless. Little girls are usually more caring
Rubbish. If you raise selfish, entitled brats that's what they tend to be. The fact he talks to his mum likes crap says it all. If you raise them to be kind and caring they are likely to be.

Ime girls are generally far bossier all through the ages, and teenage girls can be incredibly self centred and horrid. Just as they can be wonderful and loving and funny etc.

If b you raise kids to believe that boys are genetically selfish god help them and their future partners

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 25/06/2018 13:05

Was the house at full price or cheap for a mate?

If it was cheap that counts as a hobby.

Ophelialovescats · 25/06/2018 13:27

SleepingStanding; I found that poster's post hilarious !!

FionnaMAC · 25/06/2018 14:24

When I first married my husband he was like this. I think it was (as a pp said) that he was always told to excel academically, and his parents neglected the socialising side (outside of being gregarious to make contacts).

It's meant he is very successful in his career, but it took lots of arguments and discussions for him to learn to do things altruistically. My advice? Talk to him about it - don't presume he even knows he's being selfish!

And stop with the immature throwing meals into bins crap; it will just drive even more of a wedge between you. You need to communicate verbally than with actions like these.

FinallyHere · 25/06/2018 14:55

he has no control over it. His dna programming tells him he must be the hunter gatherer,

It really, really is not his DNA programming, it is his hand/arm which doles out the chops, and these are very much under conscious control of his brain. If he dies indeed do this, it is because he wants to, because he can and no-one stops him.

Lets at least start from the truth, and go on from there. I would say that how he treats his mother is going to be a very strong indicator of how he would treat a wife, if no other intervention took place.

pinkyredrose · 25/06/2018 15:29

Lol at 'YorkshireMummys* armchair psychology!

ravenmum · 25/06/2018 15:38

Sounds like he doesn't like you very much. People who like you normally try to get there for the meal you prepare. If they're late they apologise. People who like you don't say that it's your fault because you are mad. Obviously.

Can you sit down with him quietly, when you are both in an OK mood, and ask if he still wants to be with you?

SoddingUnicorns · 25/06/2018 15:41

Using @yorkshireyummymummy’s post as an idea, aye that’s exactly what I’d do when cooking. But the difference is DP would do the same as I would when he cooks, so I’d get the best bit.

My dad isn’t selfish. My DP isn’t selfish.

What do you want to happen next OP?

snowbear66 · 25/06/2018 16:44

Disquieted
Go to the Somme. See the endless graves of the 70000 young men who died fighting for your freedom.
Selfish bastards the lot of them.

I'm not disputing the bravery and sacrifice of the men who gave their lives in the war for Britain, the ultimate unselfish act. But fairly equal numbers of men and women did die in WW2 overall- Civilian deaths in countries such as USSR,Poland, Yugoslavia were very high, even in the UK civilian deaths were 62,000. I'm sure a lot of women died heroic deaths defending their children but are not as remembered.

ItsalmostSummer · 25/06/2018 16:57

yorkshiremummy isn’t too far off but not all boys are raised to be that selfish.
It starts with raising boys (and girls). How do we let them treat others? How do we help them overcome situations, and work through relationships with their siblings and family etc. All this helps them out when they find their partners.
I do agree with the cooking scenario Yorkshiremummy gives. As a mum, definitely I would serve up meals like she says,and yes I think males are more like “here’s your dinner, first come first serve”. I don’t think it’s wrong tho. I think they have it right we as mums don’t need to put oureelevs last all the time, and give us the worst. That’s where we go wrong. So both adults have a part to play here.
As one poster says, do as your husband does. Go out for 3 hours and leave him in charge but when you’re calm and ready talk to him and say that things need to change but don’t be too angry and emotional. I don’t think males can see past emotion and anger. They won’t see or hear what you’re saying they will just think, “uh oh, can’t please her”. So when you’re ready be calm and tell him what you need. Don’t just pinpoint blame on him, instead invite him into a family scenario that works - where everyone pulls their weight, works together and agree on it. It’s not a one-man-band, this family business stuff. Everyone has to work together.

Fflamingo · 25/06/2018 16:57

I’m not sure not doing his stuff , meals etc, is the way to go.
First I think you need to decide what you want the marriage to be, then you need to decide what to do about it and how far you will go -?divorce.

Just making demands on a lazy selfish git won’t magically chang him. Some serious conversation is needed , ? Relate for one or both of you. It will take time I’m sure.

ItsalmostSummer · 25/06/2018 17:02

And I mentioned going out for 3 hours as he has done because you need to let go of being the one who always does everything right and doing it well. It’s time to let go of some of what you do and invite him into his role within your family. Clearly he hasn’t gotten this yet. I think when we have babies we the mums take our role and it can take over (not completely) but it can send a message to DH that youve (as mum) has got it covered. Give him a chance to step up and don’t get angry when he messes up. Leave him in charge. Let him sort things out on the home front. That’s what I mean by going out and leaving him to it. It’s not passive aggression (I think that causes bitterness) but let him take the full reigns and let him make mistakes. You have a life too. So go live it.