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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH being so mean to me

36 replies

needyourlovingtouch · 24/06/2018 18:33

I started to get a sore throat which has got progressively worse. I don't have a voice, swallowing even my own saliva is excruciatingly painful, I feel hot and achy all over.

What's made me feel so so sad his reaction. Yesterday when my child wanted to go to the beach he said it was too late because mummy had stayed in bed. In fact he just drove off to the shops and left me with her even though I was not fit to look after her. He also muttered 'bloody selfish' about me on the landing loud enough for me to hear. Today when they came back from a lovely day out at the seaside he angrily said 'I'm going to take Monday off for exhaustion'. He asks me to get her ready for bed or make her eat her tea but I can't talk. He hasn't offered me a drink or asked how I am. When he is sick I take child out of the house so he can't rest. He doesn't really do being sick though and tries to ignore it as he hates staying home.

I'm so so sad. I'm glad I can't speak, but at the same time I'm sick of him gaslighting me. I used to be so assertive and strong but now everything is lost.

OP posts:
Jonsey79 · 24/06/2018 18:36

Ltb. Get well soon.

SoddingUnicorns · 24/06/2018 18:37

Oh OP Flowers for you. I’m just over a horrid bout of tonsillitis with blood poisoning and I had 10 days straight where I couldn’t eat, or even stand up for long. DP just took over everything I usually do and took the 10 days off work (it really was that serious, I wouldn’t usually ask him to).

What I mean is that’s what your partner should have done, made sure you could rest and taken the wee one to let you sleep/lie down/whatever you needed.

The line that jumped out of your post was “everything is lost”. I know it feels that way, I’ve felt that way before (XH), but it’s not lost, it’s just mixed up in all the emotions of a toxic relationship. He’s gaslighting you which leaves your brain so fried it’s hard to know which way is up, let alone build your confidence.

Do you want to stay?

PeppermintPasty · 24/06/2018 19:10

He is a bastard. Get rid of him, your sore throat will go away on its own.

Get well soon.

needyourlovingtouch · 24/06/2018 19:16

It's not as simple as LTB. I just want him to show compassion. It wasn't always like this.

OP posts:
needyourlovingtouch · 24/06/2018 19:18

He is very passive aggressive. He has always been a blamer eg the food is burnt because you were talking to me or we forgot the bag because you were distracting me. Often there is "I'm sorry but..." recently there hasn't even been that excuse of an apology

OP posts:
TheHodgeoftheHedge · 24/06/2018 19:25

Does he normally ever do anything for his own child?

Desmondo2016 · 24/06/2018 19:35

Is it his child?

Spudina · 24/06/2018 19:43

Flowers OP, I hope you feel better soon. Your DH is being an arse. I have been sick a few times since having the kids and I have never been spoken to like that. You need to talk to him about it properly when you are all recovered. Things need to change surely before he totally arodes what confidence you have left.

needyourlovingtouch · 24/06/2018 20:06

Yes his child and he is normally main carer as I work full time. Something has changed and he hates me. I'm too scared to talk to him as I think all emotional ties have been severed. He gets angry with our child too. I don't like his tone of voice

OP posts:
bluetrampolines · 24/06/2018 20:08

My h was like this. Life is wonderful without him.

needyourlovingtouch · 24/06/2018 20:11

Sorry to drip feed but I'm really upset my daughter wouldn't go to bed and wanted a story from him and he just lost his temper and shouted at her. I locked myself in my room and he just kicked the door. I can't live this. I'm sobbing.

OP posts:
onceisawabee · 24/06/2018 20:12

Do you have family or friends close by?

CARBZILLA33 · 24/06/2018 20:12

You need to tell him to leave he's a fucking prick you and your child don't deserve it

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 24/06/2018 20:13

Why is he shouting and kicking doors? that's not on!

loveablether · 24/06/2018 20:18

Record on your mobile phone him from inside the door, start planning your and your child's safety plan. Contact help agencies. If he makes you scared by his actions call the police. Stop putting up with it - start showing your daughter how a strong confident woman deals with people who shows them anything less than love and respect.

SandyY2K · 24/06/2018 20:26

Have you asked if he wants to be in the marriage? It sounds as though he can't stand you and you're an irritation or inconvenience to him.

Whatever happened to in sickness and in health.

I would write him an email with all your points as in the first post...including how you show concern and care for him when he's unwell.

It's one thing not being good looking after a sick person .. my DH isn't particularly great (he will always offer a cup of tea) , but he's not mean or horrible.

So why is he being horrible? That's not the actions of a loving husband.

Men having affairs sometimes behave like this.

Get to the bottom of his behaviour.

Mxyzptlk · 24/06/2018 20:30

That's terrible behaviour, especially towards your daughter. Definitely get help to work out what to do.
As he's full time carer, I expect he sees weekends as his time to relax and feels cheated because that didn't happen this weekend. That's no excuse for his nasty, aggressive behaviour.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 24/06/2018 20:32

He kicked your locked door?

Churrolicious · 24/06/2018 20:35

Shouting and kicking doors is definitely not acceptable. If he hasn't always been like this, can you pinpoint when he might have changed?

HappyLollipop · 24/06/2018 20:37

you need to leave him now as his anger escalating, how long is it until he gets physically abusive towards your or your DD?

needyourlovingtouch · 24/06/2018 20:38

I don't think an affair is on the cards- he doesn't have time and is useless with technology eg his phone. He moans that he never has any time for hobbies but always insists we do things together and didn't like it when I suggested we take it in turn every other weekend for childcare as he says DD likes us all together. I actually don't know what he wants as when I've raised splitting up he has been very against it.

OP posts:
Aria2015 · 24/06/2018 20:39

That's really bad. My dh is always a superstar when I'm ill and it makes things so much easier and better and that's how any loving partner should be. Better hope he doesn't get it because if he does you should show him to exact same compassion back. Once you're better sit him down and tell him how let down you feel and let him know that he has not behaved as you would expect a loving partner to behave. I really hope you feel better soon.

needyourlovingtouch · 24/06/2018 20:39

@Mxyzptlk she's at nursery most of the week. He works part time.

OP posts:
needyourlovingtouch · 24/06/2018 20:54

Ive realists that he has three powerful character traits:
Blame shifting
Gaslighting
Emotionally shut down

How do I talk to him given these traits? I'm hiding our relationship problems from everyone. I'm not perfect but I don't deserve this.

In an ideal world he would leave us and go and live somewhere else

OP posts:
GreenItWas · 24/06/2018 21:39

Leave. Walk away seriously. This is a waste of your valuable time.

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