DH being so mean to me

[needyourlovingtouch]

I started to get a sore throat which has got progressively worse. I don't have a voice, swallowing even my own saliva is excruciatingly painful, I feel hot and achy all over.

What's made me feel so so sad his reaction. Yesterday when my child wanted to go to the beach he said it was too late because mummy had stayed in bed. In fact he just drove off to the shops and left me with her even though I was not fit to look after her. He also muttered 'bloody selfish' about me on the landing loud enough for me to hear. Today when they came back from a lovely day out at the seaside he angrily said 'I'm going to take Monday off for exhaustion'. He asks me to get her ready for bed or make her eat her tea but I can't talk. He hasn't offered me a drink or asked how I am. When he is sick I take child out of the house so he can't rest. He doesn't really do being sick though and tries to ignore it as he hates staying home.

I'm so so sad. I'm glad I can't speak, but at the same time I'm sick of him gaslighting me. I used to be so assertive and strong but now everything is lost.

@needyourlovingtouch

I had your day yesterday. My DH was a total arsehole, begrudgingly got me medicine. 3 hour wait for two paracetamol. Didn't check on me all day. Was useless with the kids. Then tried to get verbally abusive when I was less than impressed. It's bloody hurtful when they show next to no sympathy or care. I was really tearful over it today.

But, that's who they are. I will remember and I'll never help him when he is ill in the future. Wasn't the first time my DH has done this but it's the last. I hope you feel better OP. Yours and mine - pair of schmucks!

Those three character traits, they're the hallmarks of abuse.

This man is abusing you and your daughter. Abuse is about controlling you, which is why he wants to treat you appallingly but also is very strongly against leaving. This horrible atmosphere, with you afraid, is what he wants.

You're right, you don't deserve this. This is not a normal relationship, this is not how everybody else is living, and you don't have to either.

If you feel able to and it's safe for you to do so, please consider calling Women's Aid. They can help talk you through safety planning and what options you have.

The Freedom Programme www.freedomprogramme.co.uk can also help you make sense of his behaviour, how wrong and abnormal it is, and what a healthy relationship looks like. It will help you see the future you could have once he has gone.

If he gets aggressive and violent again - and let's be clear, kicking doors is violence, it's one step away from kicking or hitting you - please call the police.

This is not your fault. You are not making him behave like this. This is just what abusers do, and the fact that it has gotten progressively worse over time is part of the pattern of abuse. It always does that, regardless of how hard you try to do everything he wants.

Honestly, is there anything anybody could do that would make you behave this way? Shouting and kicking at the door your terrified partner has locked themselves behind? I very much doubt it. And you're not "making" him do is either. It is his choice. And it is your choice to say enough and to end this.

0800 2000 247 24

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/helpline/

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

In your ideal world he would leave you and go and live somewhere else.

So, since he won't do that because it would require him to give up control of you - there is an alternative almost ideal world within your grasp. And that is either you telling him to leave (if safe to do so) or leaving with your daughter. WA can help you make a plan. If you can't phone them there is advice on their website.

And if you follow any of those links, you only have to be answering yes to one of the questions in the last link for it to indicate he is abusing you. I've only read your posts on this thread and I count at least 4.

You don't have to live like this. If you don't feel strong enough to do it for yourself, can you do it for your daughter?

How long have you been together? When did his behaviour start?

It sounds as if he resents you but is too emotionally immature to discuss so he resorts to abusing.
He can only change if he wants to but seems unlikely as most blame shifters are wedded to their behaviour

He doesn't want to split, but he needs to realise treating you like this isn't acceptable.

You need to let him know how you feel and consider seeing a marriage counsellor.

Another effective thing is saying "If you continue treating me this way, I will serìously have to consider our future together"

Don't ever think people don't have time for an affair btw.

If he's behaving badly to you ...ask him why he's unhappy...because a person who is happy with their wife wouldn't do this.

You need honesty from him. Maybe something is bothering him.

Only, if he says it's your fault he's unhappy don't believe him.

What does LTB mean?

OP that sounds awful. Not the way a loving partner should behave. I've had a bad cold these past few days (Winter in Aus) and my DH has taken over the parenting, cooking etc which we normally split evenly. He even went out on Sunday night searching for an open store to buy me a hot water bottle because he thought it might help me sleep better.

In an ideal world he would leave us and go and live somewhere else

If only. The fact that you've raised splitting from him probably means you have already checked out of the relationship. I'm not usually one to suggest leaving after only seeing a few posts but from what you have said this is a terrible relationship.

Ltb means leave the bastard
It's definitely good advice here OP

Thank you. Yes, in that case OP, LTB.

You said it isn't as easy as LTB. Actually, it is!! My ex husband changed slowly over 10 years until he was an abusive and scary man...he hadn't been at the beginning...nobody believed me but tough, I left and started again with absolutely nothing. Because life is too short for living with such behaviour. Don't downplay it. Talk to a Women's Aid Support Worker, you will feel more empowered. Do you really want your daughter growing up thinking his behaviour is what 'love' is?? Find your strength, hold your head up high and say "No more". Good luck.

Please don't do the trying to work out why he does it thing. He does it because he can and for a hundred other reasons that make sense to him and him alone. Please get legal advice in the first instance as this will make you feel like you have made a step and have more control and a bit empowered. Get away from him. He will always be like this with you. I do not believe once the genie is out of the bottle like this things improve.