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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How would you interpret this comment?

61 replies

Mytwistedimagination · 24/06/2018 18:31

I have wanted you at least as much as I ever wanted her.
While talking about the skank that he cheated on me with after 7 years of us being together. (Who knew we were together.) My point was that in order for him to cheat so easily, he must have wanted her a great deal more than me. That was his reply. What would you take it to mean, in that context?

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 24/06/2018 19:29

His words are irrelevant here. His actions show how he really thinks of you.

Bluntness100 · 24/06/2018 19:30

Why do you think she "poached" him? This sounds like you think she went after him and he couldn't help it? That she in some way stole him?

The point is, being angry at her serves no purpose. She's irrelevant. It could have been any woman. The point is he cheated. And he chose to do so, he was not poached, he was not stolen, he chose to do so, and was likely the instigator.

Heatherjayne1972 · 24/06/2018 19:33

What?? Op send him back to the ow
You deserve better

Mytwistedimagination · 24/06/2018 19:33

bluntness 19 years ago. But recently discovered. So I'm hit with the 'I'm not that person anymore' attitude to our current life, doesn't make it hurt any less, that at one point he could actually do that, with someone who ultimately meant so little to him that he ghosted her as soon as she said it was unfair he was with us at the same time. He apparently came to his senses and never had anything more to do with her, despite her phoning numerous times and writing a sad little letter asking why he wasn't seeing her anymore. Which is rather pathetic on her part. They both are/we're.

OP posts:
Desmondo2016 · 24/06/2018 19:33

He has said something twattish and he has done something even more twattish. Do you still love him?

MaxAndNevDoDallas · 24/06/2018 19:35

Nobody (least of all me) said it was easy.

You sound miserable. I was miserable for years and hope to be happy and free now.

MadMags · 24/06/2018 19:38

God, this is frustrating to read.

You can imagine the things he told her in order for her to write her “sad little letter”.

He is the one who cheated and he can’t even muster up some proper reassurance.

He clearly has less than zero respect for you.

But yeah, she’s the problem.

Mytwistedimagination · 24/06/2018 19:39

I know she was fully aware we were together. I knew she'd let him know she was interested before. Before he was even thinking about it. I know she was the one to invite him round to her flat instead of meeting in the pub again. I knew she snuggled up on the soda and said she needed comforting because the TV program was scary. Yes, he then put his arm around her, the kissing was mutual, but she then invited him into the bedroom. Sounds like poaching to me. I'm not excusing his actions. But she apparently showed interest first.

OP posts:
Mytwistedimagination · 24/06/2018 19:39

max he didn't tell her to write the letter!?

OP posts:
Mytwistedimagination · 24/06/2018 19:40

Sorry, that was to mad

OP posts:
Desmondo2016 · 24/06/2018 19:40

You really are deluding yourself.

Namechangedname · 24/06/2018 19:41

But he didn't want you at all when he was sleeping with her.

I've been through this. It's soul-destroying.

MaxAndNevDoDallas · 24/06/2018 19:45

Well my guess is he’s trying to tell you what you want to hear. For all you know he could’ve promised her so many things and played with her emotions too. He could’ve broken her heart. He could’ve dumped her when he got a shag. So many options.

Honestly some of the bullshit I saw my H write in the past Hmm informs what I’m writing now. It’s just possibilities. What’s your husband like now. Is this the only bad thing in your marriage?

MadMags · 24/06/2018 19:45

I didn’t say he told her to write the letter Hmm

I’m sure he was 100% filling her head with shite about how he felt about her blah, blah in order for her to have thought they had a relationship.

I know she was the one to invite him round to her flat instead of meeting in the pub again

You know what my DH would have said? No.

Bluntness100 · 24/06/2018 19:48

Is this what he's telling you?

That she did all the running? You know why he's doing that don't you?

How have you found out after this long?

JustHereForThePooStories · 24/06/2018 19:50

You’re utterly deluded. Nobody “poached” him. He didn’t fall whilst naked and land with his cock inside her. He knowingly, and willingly, cheated on you.

If you can’t attribute 100% fault to him, you’ll never be able to move on.

SimplySteve · 24/06/2018 19:52

From a bloke he is trying to dig himself out of the chasm that's opened under his feet. He's in damage limitation mode.

"I'm not that person anymore'" is a classic, totally bullshit statement.

This is resolved by answering one simple question to yourself. If said "skank", or other, gave your bloke the come on, do you think he'd say no?

SandyY2K · 24/06/2018 19:57

He wanted you as much as he wanted her...hes trying to say he didnt want you less than he wanted her... but it's clear he wanted her at the time.

SlothSlothSloth · 24/06/2018 20:02

Oh OP 💐

Your first problem is your DH is a cheating, lying, and apparently totally tactless scumbag.

Your second problem is you are deluding yourself that there’s any way to be happy with him now.

Your third problem is you are overanalysing his worthless, meaningless words, which are blatantly full of lies in any case.

I’m going to be blunt with you: this kind of man is highly likely to leave you further down the line. I’ve known it to happen to many women who forgave cheating. Try to move past it, ten years of working at it and burying your emotions while secretly enduring total misery - then boom, he leaves you for a 25-year-old.

It is never too late to leave someone who is making you unhappy and never too late to meet someone new. But it does get a bit more difficult with every passing year.

I know it’s so much easier said than done, but you need to get out as soon as you can - even if that’s a few months down the line. If you think starting again looks difficult now, how will it look several years down the line?

If you are married and he is successful you should be entitled to a fair bit. Stop putting so much energy into overthinking his words and use that energy to find out exactly what his and your financial situation is, what you’re rights are and what the next step should be.

SandyY2K · 24/06/2018 20:05

I knew she'd let him know she was interested before. Before he was even thinking about it. I know she was the one to invite him round to her flat instead of meeting in the pub again. I knew she snuggled up on the soda and said she needed comforting because the TV program was scary. Yes, he then put his arm around her, the kissing was mutual, but she then invited him into the bedroom. Sounds like poaching to me.

She's not blameless... but are you confident he'd behave differently given the same or similar circumstances?

You may find the site useful

www.survivinginfidelity.com

Bluntness100 · 24/06/2018 20:17

I'm not sure how to phrase this politely, so will just ask. Does he watch a lot of porn?

The fantasy story line of showing her interest, inviting him up to her flat, her snuggling up scared of the tv, them kissing and her inviting him into thr bedroom has 80s porn written all over it. Is he a plumber by any chance?

awmcghee1 · 24/06/2018 20:24

Guys are a waste of space. I am a gay guy and let me tell you love, they are worse. Look, I have been lied to and messed around (granted we just dated for a short time), he denied sleeping around which to me was ludicrous as all he had to do was admit it and I would have walked away amicably. My point is, these players are the same. He cheated on you because his testosterone and male arrogance got the better of him. He still wants you under his control. Everything he comments or says to you will be BS. Do not believe any of it. Even if it is the truth bit you will never know. Get him to buggery. Try and find a decent guy like me (but I am not straight sorry lol)and do not respond to anything further. That will hopefully piss him off that you are not retaliating to his manipulative BS.

JennyHolzersGhost · 24/06/2018 20:32

Ok OP. You’re getting flak here from people who (rightly) think your primary focus for your anger should be your husband. But from what I can tell you’re in the early stages of discovery and actually you’re just angry at the world right now for dunking this shit into your life. Is that right ?
If so, how can we help? Maybe start a new thread if you would like some support in dealing with the wider situation in terms of your relationship and your life and whether to go, stay, finances, etc. We can support you Flowers Just tell us what you need.

JennyHolzersGhost · 24/06/2018 20:33

If you would like to just talk without knowing quite where your thoughts are going then that is absolutely ok.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 24/06/2018 20:38

Reminds me of the old (unfunny) joke: "For a fat girl, you don't sweat much at all."

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