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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I leave with compassion?

44 replies

FinallyGoing · 24/06/2018 12:30

For lots of reasons not relevant to this question, I’ve decided to leave my husband.

But I want to do it with compassion and to be as kind, but firm IYSWIM as possible.

It has been brewing for many, many years. We basically got married too young and aren’t particularly suited.

There is someone else. We haven’t slept together and I want to make sure I’m single when it happens. But he’s not why I’m leaving. He’s the catalyst.

So, how do I do it? How much do I tell my husband? How much do I hold back for his own good? I want to avoid listing a whole catalogue of reasons why I’m not in love with him, but obviously he’ll have questions.

We’ll be living the same house for some time too. And we have young children.

OP posts:
Dvg · 24/06/2018 12:37

Okay firstly no one needs to know about the other person yet as you haven't become serious yet.

I would simply say what you have said here "It has been brewing for many, many years. We basically got married too young and aren’t particularly suited."

List his good qualities but say that you want to go your separate ways, He doesnt need to know everything he has done wrong simply falling out of love with someone is a good enough reason.

Make sure the children come first and your husband knows that you hope to carry on a relationship with him of a friendly stance for the childrens sake.

Don't introduce any other men into the equation for at least a few months as no one will feel comfortable about that.

Original poster
FinallyGoing · 24/06/2018 12:40

Thank you!!

OP posts:
category12 · 24/06/2018 12:46

Hmm. The OM is the catalyst, eh? You realise as soon as it comes out, whatever palliative measures you've taken are out of the window.

Also, I don't think it's fair that you're considering a list of reasons you're no longer in love with dh, which is basically shoving the blame on him. Maybe those reasons are true, but you weren't going anywhere until you met the OM. He's the reason you've completely emotionally detached.

"I've met someone else" is the starting point.

Original poster
FinallyGoing · 24/06/2018 12:52

Actually, I’ve been wanting to leave since we got married nearly 20 years ago. I’ve known this OM for a couple of weeks. He’s not why. But he is a reminder of the freedom I crave.

OP posts:
Original poster
FinallyGoing · 24/06/2018 12:54

But you raise a good point about blaming

OP posts:
category12 · 24/06/2018 12:55

Hmm 20 years! Sure took you a long time to decide.

lanbro · 24/06/2018 12:56

You sound like me...I've tried my best to be compassionate but having to spell it out that it is final is hard. We're currently on a family holiday for the sake of the kids but I've really spelled it out that it's definitely over and divorce is in the pipeline.

We're amicable to am extend but it's hard

NobodysMot · 24/06/2018 12:59

If it's been brewing for years he's been sticking his head in the sand for years.

Say things that cannot be argued with. Don't draw on any thing that happened to illustrate what you're saying. If pressed to defend your conclusions, don't. Say ''it's how I feel''.

Otherwise a court case ensues where you try to prove that are correct to feel how you feel

JennyHolzersGhost · 24/06/2018 12:59

If you haven’t actually got involved with the new guy yet then there’s nothing to tell. If your H asks whether there’s someone else, the honest answer is No.
As for how to tell him, you need to sit down and say it without too much going round the houses. Then answer his questions honestly. Be prepared for multiple conversations; you’ve been mulling this for a long time, he hasn’t had that prep time and so will take time to get his head round it.
Have a clear and fair plan for what to do about finances and the house. Will you need to sell it or is there a chance that one of you could stay ? He may be losing his home as well as his marriage so be sensitive to that, don’t make him feel as though he’s being booted out if at all possible.
Take your time in talking to him before you tell the kids. Give him time and space to accustom him to the situation, don’t rush it.

NobodysMot · 24/06/2018 13:01

I'm single and not free. I have a job, bills, 100% responsibility for two kids, so it's possible to be single and still crave freedom.

I am working on becoming braver though, braver and more introverted.

NobodysMot · 24/06/2018 13:03

Yes, I'd hold off on telling him about ''the catalyst'' for now.

Just say that your heart is no longer in continuing with the marriage and let him digest that. Is he likely to make you feel that you have no right to decide to end the marriage, due to your own flaws, which he might list now question coloured by my own experience

mistermagpie · 24/06/2018 13:26

Ok I'll be honest and say I've been there. My marriage was short but we had been together for a decade. We were both pretty miserable though, looking back, and didn't treat each other well.

There was a 'catalyst' for me too. Nothing happened but I just knew I had met the love of my life and unfortunately (for my husband) it wasn't my husband. I am now married to the catalyst and we have two children, I am happier than I ever have been. My ex is also remarried and much happier. But that's by the by...

I never told my husband about the catalyst. It just didn't seem the kind thing to do. But it also wasn't the kind thing to stay married to him forever, so I told him the rest of the truth. We didn't make each other happy, didn't treat each other well and I wasn't in love with him. He didn't like hearing it at first but gradually he agreed. He also acknowledged his own (frankly terrible at times - he had a drink problem) behaviour as a contributing factor. We had, according to my solicitor, the most amicable divorce she had ever seen. Once it was final we literally haven't seen each other ever again, no kids and few mutual friends have helped there.

Again I'll say, I didn't think telling him about the other guy was fair. I didn't string it out though, as soon as I realised my feelings for him then my marriage was over. Don't mess about and drag it out.

It may sound awful but I have no regrets. Not a single one.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 24/06/2018 14:24

My partner left me and gave me lots of little reasons which made me blame myself when in actual fact he was speaking to someone else all along. I would have respected him more if he just told me that as I was blaming myself when In actual fact he was the one having an emotional affair. Made me really angry tbh

TopDog123 · 24/06/2018 14:27

This sounds a lot like 'the script' that so MNetters talk about. No I'm not leaving because I want to shag someone else...i've always been unhappy..

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 24/06/2018 14:29

@topdog123 exactly , imagine if this was a male posting. MN would be in arms saying “you’re a piece of work and the wife deserves to know “! 🙄

Eryngium · 24/06/2018 14:36

Don't give him false hope about there being any possibility of reconciling when you're trying to soften the blow.

Supa3girl · 24/06/2018 15:55

Having being on the opposite side of this, I am completely one-sided.

You are attempting to protect yourself!

Regardless of whether you have slept with OM - you are as of now taking part in an extramarital affair.

Tell your STBXH so he understands who you truly are and proceeds onward with his life.

Original poster
FinallyGoing · 24/06/2018 17:11

Supa I did wonder that. Are you really certain that’s what you would rather here from the start?

OP posts:
Somerville · 24/06/2018 17:17

Don't lie and say "this is about us, there's no one else involved." It's emotionally abusive and will cause more harm to him and your DC in the long term.

JennyHolzersGhost · 24/06/2018 17:23

Hang on can we get a little clarification ? Is this just someone you’ve got a bit of a crush on, maybe a bit of an escapist fantasy? Or is it someone with whom you’ve actually become emotionally involved ? My advice was based on the former situation.

category12 · 24/06/2018 18:29

I'd rather be left for someone than be given a list of reasons someone's fallen out of love with me.

BeyondFemaleElitist · 24/06/2018 18:32

Yeah I'd rather the truth. It's highly likely your DP knows something is up already

Supa3girl · 24/06/2018 18:50

Finally

I battled for months on end inquiring internally as to what I hadd done. Replayed situations in my head that I wish I had carried myself more appropriately. I faulted myself 100%.
Then it came out; I started to detach. I was told by companions he was attempting to ensure my sentiments by withholding the truth. How could he be? He had torn me in two and stuck the knife in. I still to this day (2 years later) focus on my own wrongs. Do not put him through that...no one merits that.

Daddystepdaddy · 24/06/2018 19:27

So, you've wanted to leave for 20 years but now there is another bloke on the scene you are actually doing it and that other bloke isn't the reason and there is nothing going on? hmmm...

Hecticlifeanddrowning8 · 24/06/2018 19:41

Forget all about your 'catalyst' . If you want to end your marriage and break up your children's family unit , you are going to need a alot of energy to get yourself and your children through the rough ride awaiting. Don't use that energy on a rebound relationship .

As far as your husband goes , be kind , don't give him false hope that if he changes himself then all will be ok . Most of all encourage your children to still gave a good relationship with their father .