How do I leave with compassion?

[FinallyGoing]

For lots of reasons not relevant to this question, I’ve decided to leave my husband.

But I want to do it with compassion and to be as kind, but firm IYSWIM as possible.

It has been brewing for many, many years. We basically got married too young and aren’t particularly suited.

There is someone else. We haven’t slept together and I want to make sure I’m single when it happens. But he’s not why I’m leaving. He’s the catalyst.

So, how do I do it? How much do I tell my husband? How much do I hold back for his own good? I want to avoid listing a whole catalogue of reasons why I’m not in love with him, but obviously he’ll have questions.

We’ll be living the same house for some time too. And we have young children.

Yeah what Hecticlife said makes a lot of sense ... the truth has a tendency to come out...

A friend of mine was in a similar situation to your husband's. She really put herself through the mill wondering what was wrong with her etc. Eventually, almost a year later, someone she barely knew told her he had been cheating with his current gf while they were married. She was doubly angry that he had her believe it was her fault. It all made sense to her then and only then could she move on as she finally knew why he left her.

I know it must be hard as the catalyst is never the reason for the feelings towards your soon-to-be ex but the catalyst, by definition, is the cause for the action of leaving. After twenty years of it not being great, your H will wonder, why now?

Best of luck. Wishing you happiness.

Thank you everyone. I’m not entirely clear what is the best way about this but your advice is helping and I appreciate it.

We married very very young. I have spent my whole adult life too afraid to leave something that wasn’t right. But now I’m older, more confident and actually, I’m not ok with this for another 10. This guy I have fallen for quite badly. But he’s not the first. Which itself says enough about me and why I need to not be in this marriage anymore. For both our sakes.

It is somewhat late to think of him!! Squandering 20 long years of his life (as you mention it) in a sham marriage.

I think your conduct is appalling + I only hope nobody treats you how you have/are treated/treating him.

You've fallen for this guy quite badly but he's not the first?

Your poor husband. You absolutely need to leave this marriage and you absolutely need to own this and not put anything back on him. Doesn't matter if things have yet to be physical with new man or the previous head turner (or have there been many). You checked out a long time ago.

Living together in the same house for some time too may not be the most sensible move. How about you move out?

if youve definitely decided to leave, then I dont think there is any need to mention the guy thats turning your head. Youre not in a relationship with him or sleeping with him. He is irrelevent. Ignore him for now, and deal with sorting out untangling your life from your husbands and moving out or whatever.

You also really dont need to go in with a character assasination or a list of why you dont love him anymore. That would be incredibly cruel. You dont not love him because hes faulty. Dont try and pretend it was never any good. Youve stayed for your own reasons for 20 years so it cant have been that bad. You dont need to rewrite history now to suit

FinallyGoing I don’t think you/your behaviour is appalling. Some people sending you “advice” are apparently saints 🤨

I think it’s good of you to take time to consider how to inflict the least hurt, and you’re right that communicating finality while not being totally brutal about it is difficult. To your STBXH and also your friends and family!

Be prepared for people IRL to have a view that getting married equates to signing away any desire to be loved and happy. People around you may find it difficult to understand and support ending a marriage without a massive reason. They want violence, adultery, drama. Not simply things not being right...

Good luck. The only advice I think I have is JUST GET IT DONE. Don’t be waiting for a good moment to do it and lose your resolve.

I think you need to be completely honest with him. If you start seeing this other man he will wonder if you were cheating on him - so be honest now so he can draw a line in the sand and move on.

Thank you Bob

Bob

"Be prepared for people IRL to have a view that getting married equates to signing away any desire to be loved and happy. People around you may find it difficult to understand and support ending a marriage without a massive reason. They want violence, adultery, drama. Not simply things not being right..."

It is interesting how you neglect to see OP is having an emotional relationship whilst married.

There is a reasonable impetus as to why OP is having these sentiments whether she needs to re-create history or not.

This happened to me in a slightly different way.Many unhappy years then one girls night out I met someone who made me end the marriage the following morning,total stranger but I realised that 'there is more to life than this' i.e my shit marriage.

Many people are in relationships that aren't great but there is little reason to leave until someone else is on the scene.

Just be honest with him. That you love him and appreciate the life you've had together but don't have the right feelings for him any longer or for a long time, so you'd both be happier with the freedom to find it somewhere else.

How is he with you? Do you think he loves you and wants to stay or isn't he particularly loving?

Thank you everyone for your input and thoughts.

I have left my husband, in as much as I have moved into the spare room and we’re trying to rebuild our relationship in to one of co-parents rather than partners.

well done Finally

You okay? Told any family yet? Or the DCs?

Take thank you. It’s something I’ve been scared of for so long but I immediately felt lighter. I feel like me!!! So I’m fine, but H less so. We’ve not told anyone. Possibly majorly deluded here but we’re planning on staying in the house together. Perhaps in the future we’ll get to a situation where we’ll both have our own lives elsewhere and the family home is where we each come to do our ‘share’ of the parenting. IYSWIM. So with that in mind there’s not much to tell as it currently boils down to finance and sex, none of which is anyone else’s business. People will know eventually but hopefully that can happen organically, on a need to know basis.

Not sure what to do about the children. They don’t need to know anything yet.

It’s still all very new.

That doesn't sound positive tbh. As soon as he recovers a bit and tells a few folk he's going to be bombarded with people telling him you're taking advantage and that he needs to protect himself and kick you out (or leave). I wonder if the reason for the previous reluctance to divorce are financial? Might be worth preparing and checking what you're entitled to.

Don't think you should rest all your hopes on your STBXH not growing a backbone in the near future. Plus you can't exactly be carrying on with the shiny new fellow while you're still sharing a home. Well you could, but only if you had absolutely no conscience.

You’re going to find that hard to pull off. Presumably the “it comes down to sex” means you either are, or plan to soon, sleeping with the “catalyst” or someone new.

Your STBXH will not like having that shoved in his face and it will be, no matter how careful you are - the pure fact of you being out overnight will do that. It’s going to fester in him and will cause arguments which your DC will start to notice. It’s also going to take a lot longer for him to come out the other side whilst you’re under the same roof. I speak from (male) experience.

“he's going to be bombarded with people telling him you're taking advantage and that he needs to protect himself and kick you out (or leave).”

And they’ll almost certainly be right. He should be protecting himself, financially and emotionally, not least around his continued relationship with his young DC.

I don’t know what world some people live in where two people who have been together nearly 20 years all of a sudden hate each other because one of them wants something else. We’re grown ups, we’re parents. We’re talking and currently doing OK at finding new ways to be parents and friends. He doesn’t hate me and I don’t hate him. And most certainly no one is going to be kicking anyone out of their own home. I’ve been honest with him and him with me. Neither of us are faultless. But the children absolutely come first. So respect and friendship and honesty is what is required between the two of us. That’s something we both understand and wish to strive for.

changed yes, it may not work. We’ll just have to try and see what happens. If it gets too hard for one of us (him most likely) we’ll talk together about how best to move forward.