Is my work friendship ok?

[snowwhite12]

I have a work colleague I get on very well with. We're both married with kids. We get on very well - have crossed no boundaries but we message frequently in the evening - usually about work stuff but often funny stuff about work. I can't work out if it's ok or heading the wrong way. I suppose I'm wondering if anyone has experience of relationships which started like this developing into something more? Thanks

people will say you are having an emotional affair i say youre just friends
I'm wondering if anyone has experience of relationships which started like this developing into something more? ive read many threads stating thats how the posters partners affair started however that dosnt mean every friendship evolves to an affair

Would you be ok with your partner reading your texts/ communications?

The fact that you are even asking... be honest. Why would you worry?

Well do you have any level of attraction to them?
Is there any flirting or chemistry when you're together?

I have male friends in various jobs / volunteering roles where we connect as two human beings. None of them have gone further because there's no actual attraction

TheMonkey, possibly because the OP has been reading the frankly demented threads on here which think that any significant connection with someone of the opposite sex is shortchanging your marriage.

I think it’s fine to have a bit of banter with a colleague but I think it’s crossing the line if you start confiding in them about your relationship, telling them things you don’t tell your partner or starting to be secretive about the friendship. Also I suppose it depends on whether there is a physical attraction between you. If none of that applies and you’d be happy for your DH to read your messages then I think it’s fine.

For the record though, my H’s affair did start exactly like this. They started off messaging, making fun of work, etc and it escalated from there. If you find yourself going for a drink with this person after work, just the 2 of you, and you don’t tell your DH, then I would say you’re entering the danger zone.

It’s great to have friendships.

As long as you are completely able to be open about this friendship with your partner and the time and effort you give them on the friendship in no way is comparable to that given to your marriage then it’s ok.

Emotional affair or not, I’d be pretty upset that my dh was spending what little time we have alone together in the evenings (after full time jobs and parenting) messaging work colleagues. Unless you’re on call, leave work and work friendships at the door and enjoy time with your family.

The fact that you are questioning it, suggest that it's more than friends. I haven't ever questioned a friendship when I know it's friendship.

Does your husband know you are in contact most of the day? Would you be happy with him reading the texts? Do you think his wife knows?

All this would indicate if it's heading somewhere it shouldn't.

I've posted on here before on a really similar thread. My boss is basically like my best friend, we always message / call outside of work hours and things... I am really comfortable with this because I know hand on heart, he tells his wife our conversations, gets her point of view etc. Similarly there is nothing sent that she couldn't read or anything like that. I think it's probably crossing lines if you're actively hiding things / he's actively hiding things... then you know there's a problem!

Hmm of course you can have friends... of the same or opposite gender.

It's the fact you're thinking it might not be ok that makes me wonder why you would think that?

I can't work out if it's ok or heading the wrong way.

In that case, I fear it's heading the wrong way. I had one of these friendships. Evening textual banter became lying to DH about who was texting me THIS time, then became switching the sound off my phone so XH didn't know anything about it at all. Legitimate reasons to meet my Friend on his own became contrived reasons (he was not married, btw). I ended up falling for him massively, and it played a role in the end of my marriage (though if my marriage had been ok, I would probably not have felt inclined to let my friendship with the OM to slide into a relationship. I am with the OM now, and wouldn't dream of texting a male friend in the evening, as I love being with him and talking to him, and a beeping phone would just be annoying).

It's the fact you're thinking it might not be ok that makes me wonder why you would think that?

Because there's a widespread view on Mn that every male/female friendship is either an affair, an emotional affair, or they're actually already fucking. The OP may well simply be absorbing this attitude.

Are the messages flirty? Intimate exchanges? How would you feel if your OH stumbled upon them? How would you feel if you stumbled upon similar messages from OH to a woman?

Inappropriate to be texting frequently out of work.

Why? I text my work mates all the time AND we have a group whatsapp thread full of nonsense. Why on earth is it inappropriate.

The fact that you are questioning it makes it inappropriate! Step back or you asking for it. This is such cycle that always ends badly.

How would you feel if your DH was frequently texting a female work colleague out of work hours? Would you be OK with it?

I would say that if you are open about it, and are happy for your OH to read all of the messages (ALL of them) then it isnt a problem. If you feel the urge to hide any of it, then it isnt ok.

However, are you sure that you work friend isnt thinking that there may be more to it?

PimlicoWaif has it. Exactly that.

You could be over thinking it. If you take a minute to genuinely think 'would I be okay if my dp/dh was talking to a work colleague the same way?' if yes you'd be okay then I'd say it's fine, if no then it's not.

Also if you would be okay with your dp/dh reading the messages then I'd also say it's okay.

Most of the times friends are just friends, whether you meet in or out of work don't let mn warp your thinking.

Do you hide any aspect of this friendship from your OH? If not then youre just friends.

Group chats are different. This is one to one, frequent chat, in the evenings etc.

If you would not be ok with your DH receiving after hours texts from a female colleague then no, its not ok.

I think, as pp have said, would you be happy with your dp seeing the texts? But also, would your friend's dp be ok with the texts as well? I had a similar friendship with a colleague (totally innocent and no boundaries crossed whatsoever) that I stepped back from because he started telling me his wife was depressed (she had recently had their second child). Other things he told me about her made me think she probably would not be very happy that he was texting me so much. When he called me to tell me he'd got a new job before he had called to tell his wife I was a bit so I don't engage in banter on texts now as I don't want him to get the wrong idea and I don't think it's fair on her.