My boyfriend won’t let me grieve :(

[CJG2212]

Help :( my dad passed away 9 months ago and I’m still obviously very upset! I have an 18 month old son so I hardly ever get time to myself to grieve properly. But whenever I do.. my bf of 6 months just doesn’t seem to have any time for me. Most of the time I’ll cry alone and a few times I’ll text him to say I’ve had a bad day. He gets so cold and I’m questioning our relationship. I need someone who will support me through this but he doesn’t seem to understand at all. We don’t live together and we don’t see each other much because I’m a single mum and still live with my mum. Tonight was an all time low for him.. he accused me of looking for sympathy after I told him I’d been crying most of the day and that me talking about my dads death and the problems we’ve had in the family, my mum being upset etc is making him tired of hearing about it all and it’s nearly been a year now! (As in maybe I should cry less) I hardly cry as I’ve said and whenever I text him saying I’m upset I really am because most of the time I cry alone and tell nobody! I can’t believe how cold he is being, and I can’t beleive he would ever accuse me of looking for sympathy! I love him very much and he says he loves me and I know we haven’t been together long but we are planning to move in together etc and we are usually very happy together it’s just I need more support from him.. he tells me to get professional help but I say it’s only natural to cry and the only support I need is from him!

Your last long post is ringing too many alarm bells. Read it all back. You've said that
he thinks grief should be short lived.
You aren't allowed to talk about anything bad, only nice things.
He's racist.
He has probably some unresolved issues with his step dad's death.

You've been through so much I would honestly get shut of him. He won't support you and being unable to be anything but happy with him will drain you. It's only been 6 months. It will hurt but you will heal.

Do you go to any toddler groups? I know it can be super hard but think it would help you more to try and build up a wider network of friends.

Also do you do any fun things with your mum? Can you do some of the nice days out together? If you got on before it may help to bring some normality and fun to your relationship again.

So sorry for your loss. I hope you can find a way forward.

A man is not a "great dad" if he does not model good relationships for his children. That can include modelling how to be apart in a courteous and respectful manner.

Had missed your last post: he’s racist too!

Just LTB!

Me and my mum used to be like best friends but since my dad she’s out a lot drinking she doesn’t like to be in the house. She won’t do anything normal with me the only thing we do that’s normal is go shopping I’ve asked her to start coming with me to take him out for the day to the park to the beach anywhere but she won’t. I think because we live together.. doing anything else is just too much.
I can definitely look at toddler groups me and my brothers fiancé both have little boys so at least once a week we will meet up and do something. The other two days I work.

FYI, I was told the 12 months thing by a MH professional when I was asking it for myself. It was very much impressed upon me that it was the rule everywhere.

If it's not, then it's not. But it was what I was told by a professional, not some random thing I made up.

OP so sorry for your loss it is never easy losing a parent and less helpful when with an unsympathetic partner, you have only been with him 6 months it is never going to get easier. Best to get rid of the toss pot.

Secondly you need to go to your doctors to get a referal for grief counselling, it will help you to speak to someone and to get it all out there. It takes time to get over a loss but you will. If anything you need to do it for your DB because babies pic up any negative energy.

Good luck and I hope you find the peace you need. xx

I agree that you're expecting too much from someone you hardly know and only have a very new relationship with.

As much as you need support and it shouldn't be this difficult, the same applies for him. And if my entire 6 month relationship had been characterised by my boyfriends sadness, tears and bad days, I might run out of patience too.

That's not to say you shouldn't grieve for you dad, of course you should, but he is not the person to support you through this if he is someone you only see a couple of times a week.

It's not about him being a 'fairweather type' it's more about the demands of the relationship exceeding its reach at this stage.

Surely if u love someone u never get tired of them being upset with grief especially when it’s not happening very often!

Why would you assume love after only 6 months?

That's a big responsibility.

It might not be often but if it's most of the time you are together it would get wearisome if it was a key feature of your relationship and I say that as someone who is very compassionate but also has firm boundaries.

You only see eachother for about 6 hours a week. I’m not surprised he doesn’t want to spend time comforting you because he’s hardly giving of his time let alone anything else. I would say what you have isn’t even a proper relationship. It’s a “thing” that isn’t really working out. You’re not getting your needs met and he’s dismissive, borderline verbally abusive.

Going against the grain here, but texting to say you’ve been crying all day? It sounds like you tell him this a lot.

I feel very sorry that you’ve lost your dad, but this guy isn’t supportive and may just be fed up of getting only upset and emotional texts. You spend a few hours together a couple of times a week and you say you’re definitely going to move in together? Please don’t, his reactions to your texts/emotions are not what I’d say are encouraging. He won’t support you now, why would he in the future?

This sounds like a doomed relationship, we’ve all answered posts about unsupportive partners, don’t become one of those people, you deserve better.

whoa forget the stuff around your dad for a minute.

Your update has thrown so many red flags!

He is a controlling arse and you might not see it at the moment because you were so low and vulnerable when you met him. If he was my partner he'd be getting told to fuck right off.

Oh and he is not a good dad, partly because you are not together enough for him to actually parent but more because good fathers don't bully, make emotional threats or not care and in fact worse deliberately upset their children's mothers!

Thank u guys. I promise I’m not all doom and gloom I hardly ever text to tell anyone especially not him that I’m upset I hate having people feel sorry for me and I hate burdening anyone so when I do text him or someone it’s probably that I am really upset and need to speak to someone.
I will be breaking things off with him. I can’t imagine him ever supporting me through anything my mum will pass away one day or someone else close to me and I just know I won’t be able to have any support from him because I will always look to this time and I’ll be too afraid which will worsen how i feel.
Whether it’s love or lust that we have it’s not normal to make your partner feel worse when they are grieiving. I’m far from needy I’m very independent I’ve looked after my son alone and up until my grandad died I was helping care for him too (little ones dad not involved in his life very much)
I guess I already knew the answer I just came here to have it confirmed.
I know it can’t be nice for him to be with someone who’s life is a difficult because with that brings upset and negative etc but he knew early on my dad had passed and I thought he would be more understanding because he had also been through it with his step dad.
I’ll get the counselling sorted tomorrow and the only way is up for me and my little boy he’s all I need :) thanks everyone :) really appreciate it xxxxx

You’re expecting too much from someone you’ve only known a short time. Sorry. You have to find resolution in yourself rather then expecting it from others. Counselling can help

This with bells on. You were right, starting a relationship whilst you were in the first throes of grief wasn’t smart, understandable but not smart.

You have this ‘love will conquer all’ ideal which works in Rom Coms but not in real life. He’s right in saying that you should seek support i.e counselling, where you’d get the most benefit. However, you seem to have taken the approach of looking for it where it isn’t on offer, why is that? I’m not saying his lack of support is ok but I do question your insistence of trying to get it from someone who has made it abundantly clear that he isn’t up for it.

This man is not stopping you from grieving, for whatever reason (hence the suggestion of seeking counselling) you’ve chosen to stifle your own grief by engaging in a relationshipthat can not support the complex nature of grief.

I totally understand where your coming from and I know I’ll need counselling. I’m not expecting anything from anyone please don’t think I’m saying that I don’t expect anything from anyone apart from respect.
I don’t think respecting your partner means not atleast saying “it’ll be ok” or some sort of comforting words. Maybe support is the wrong word maybe a little comfort at a time of need would be better to say. I also don’t think it’s ok for someone who says they love u to say your looking for sympathy. As I’ve mentioned I’m an honest person I haven’t come here to lie if I were crying every day and moaning to him he would be well within his right to think I was an attention seeker but I’m not like that I’m a very closed off person I don’t have many friends I keep myself to myself and if I’m upset and I tell someone about it i really am upset because it’s not something I like to parade about no matter what I’m upset about. Your right he’s not stopping me grieving I just feel like I can’t around him or even tell him about it before getting shut down and told “he’s tired with it all” and “it’s nearly been a year” I hate that I’m sounding like I’m slating him because I do love him and he does have good qualities or I wouldn’t of got with him in the first place. I think a lot of it is because he can’t understand it.. which is fine I don’t need anyone to understand my grief I guess I just need him to comfort me when I’m sad or upset isn’t that a normal thing to do? Even if a stranger was crying on the street I couldn’t just walk passed them!... natural reaction would be to ask them what’s wrong and tell them everything will be ok etc right?!
I’m not looking for anyone to fix things or any resolutions or for him to help me so sorry if I’ve come across that way. It would just be nice for a bit of comfort from him at my worst times.. how do u know if someone is right for u?! They are there through the good and the bad! The happy and the sad.. essentially it’s me thatll help myself and support myself along with counselling and looking after my little one. But if someone can’t handle u at your worst they don’t deserve you at your best

Whether or not it is reasonable to expect a 6 month boyfriend to give you the support you need in your grief is perhaps debatable, but surely if your relationship has not yet reached that level of seriousness and commitment, you should not even consider moving in together, especially as you have a young child?

I don’t think the seriousness of a relationship is measure by time that’s silly. We are both on the same page we know what we want in life and with eachother we both have serious commitments (children house job etc) im 29 and ready to settle down and so is he. The reason for my post is that I didn’t like him not comforting me after the death of my father and wondered if his behaviour is normal.

Even if you're not even in a relationship at all there is a basic level of sympathetic behaviour you expect from another human being, surely?

Exactly what I’m getting at :)

I don’t want this to all turn into a debate about what’s wrong and right though we all have different opinions on things and that’s why I came here to get peoples opinions and ask for advice and I’m grateful for every single comment whether I agree or not it all helps :) xx

Urgh! You’re clearly not on the same page on a fundamental level.

Stop waiting for him to be different, this is who he is, either accept it or move on but the handwringing and the cries of ‘why doesn’t he’ are futile.

Prioritise your grief and not a relationship that clearly isn’t ticking a major box. You’re in a vulnerable place right now and completely understand why you’re clinging to your relationship but it isn’t the rock and the lack of emotional stability it offers is doing you more harm than good.