My boyfriend won’t let me grieve :(

[CJG2212]

Help :( my dad passed away 9 months ago and I’m still obviously very upset! I have an 18 month old son so I hardly ever get time to myself to grieve properly. But whenever I do.. my bf of 6 months just doesn’t seem to have any time for me. Most of the time I’ll cry alone and a few times I’ll text him to say I’ve had a bad day. He gets so cold and I’m questioning our relationship. I need someone who will support me through this but he doesn’t seem to understand at all. We don’t live together and we don’t see each other much because I’m a single mum and still live with my mum. Tonight was an all time low for him.. he accused me of looking for sympathy after I told him I’d been crying most of the day and that me talking about my dads death and the problems we’ve had in the family, my mum being upset etc is making him tired of hearing about it all and it’s nearly been a year now! (As in maybe I should cry less) I hardly cry as I’ve said and whenever I text him saying I’m upset I really am because most of the time I cry alone and tell nobody! I can’t believe how cold he is being, and I can’t beleive he would ever accuse me of looking for sympathy! I love him very much and he says he loves me and I know we haven’t been together long but we are planning to move in together etc and we are usually very happy together it’s just I need more support from him.. he tells me to get professional help but I say it’s only natural to cry and the only support I need is from him!

Most of the time I’ll cry alone and a few times I’ll text him to say I’ve had a bad day.

You need to find other support. 6 months isn't a long time and bear in mind he wasn't even with you when your dad passed away.

Perhaps this isn't the right time for a relationship. You got with him 3 months after your dad died...still in grief.

I think I cried at some point every day for about a year after my Dad died. And can still be surprised by how upset it's easy to become about it, 3 years on.

Gruff to be clear, I in, no way, described grief as neediness. I said I struggle to be around negativity and neediness. Not that grief is neediness. And I agree, it’s probably my issue. If I let myself focus on somebody’s upset too much, I become too consumed by it and plummet in to down periods, so I try to distance myself from it. However, should my best friend, or my partner experience loss, I’d be there, no questions asked. Which, OP, on reflection, tells me you’d be better off without DP. Because despite how I deal with anything emotionally testing, there’s no way of dessert him during periods like this.

As to the "get professional help" comment, generally you would not be accepted for grief counselling until at least 12 months after the bereavement. This is because grieving is a long process, it doesn't finish as soon as the funeral has happened as some people seem to expect (or in this case, demand)

This is a bizarre thing to say. And hugely unhelpful. And I say that as someone who had bereavement counselling. Well within some arbitrary 12 months notion.

I think men and women have different ways of coping with emotions; when confronted with tears men sometimes feel they have to come up with a ‘solution’ to fix the situation; women often just want to vent their feelings.

Maybe he needs to understand that when you send him these texts, you’re not asking for an answer to a problem, that you just need to let off steam, to talk about it. ?

To be honest I think it was probably a bad idea to start dating someone just 3 small month after losing your dad.
You would have been very very vulnerable and your judgment might not have been at its peak.
The other side is that as he didn't have a closeness to you beforethis so to him he met you as someone who had lost a parent, (although recently) he doesn't have that understanding and care that a person who had already formed a bond with you and then you lost someone would.

He might be an arse in general (he is being an arse about this) or he might just not get it and to him the exciting beginning of a relationship isn't working because your grieving and aren't in a place (understandably) either way he seems to not get it and that means you will always resent the fact he wasn't there for you and will worry that will happen every time you need him.

My advice is end it now and work on yourself, really look properly at how your coping as you might be following a healthy grief pattern but you might also need a bit of help.

Then in s few months once the pain isn't so raw and the baby is a bit older you can get back out there and meet someone right.

OP my dad died in 2016 and I still have days when I cry, miss him or even think I've seen him in the street. When I tell my DH he agrees that it's sad and tells me he misses my dad too.

Your BF sounds cold. You sound normal to me but your GP may be a good person to judge whether this is true. Counselling is immensely
Helpful for some people.

I worry about your BF, what you describe sounds dreadful. I would seriously consider getting him out of your life. If he has no empathy for this he may not manage any empathy about anything.

Im female but am a "solutions" person. I think its just a coping mechanism for people who cant deal with other peoples emotions very well and are a bit emotionally shut off (for whatever reason). It is definitely a "fault" IMO and not easy for some people to deal with.

But if my DP text me saying he was crying I would at least know to make the right noises and offer my sympathy (e.g. sorry to hear that, hope your day gets better). I might suggest they sought professional help if they were dealing with something i didnt have experience of or know how to help with. Ultimately I care and do want them to be happy for themself, not just so I have an easier life.

I think you can tell when someone cares but isnt equipped to deal with something (maybe as self preservation as someone else alluded to). And when someone just outright lacks empathy.

It sounds like the latter is your boyfriends problem..

My dad died when I was a teen right at the end of school, during my exams. I had no counselling and no support and love from anyone apart from a cuddle from one of the teachers the day of one of my exams when I had a complete meltdown. It was incredibly lonely.

I can tell you right now that time doesn’t heal. It’s what you do with that time which will determine whether or not you heal. It took me until I was 21 to get any kind of grief counselling. My now dh (then bf) didn’t know how to support me as he couldn’t understand how I was grieving 5 years later. Looking back he was young, immature and wanted to fix things and couldn’t handle it when he wasn’t able.

Personally I don’t think your partner is very mature at all. He sounds very much like my dh was. My dh took a very long time to mature btw. He’s a good un these days. But to be telling you should be over your dad’s death a few months later is ludicrous.

Whether or not you decide to stay in the relationship only time will tell. However, right now you need to focus your energies on you. You’ve been through a very tumultuous time. In the past 2 years you’ve lost your grandfather, father, had a baby and are trying to support your mother emotionally. Be very very kind to yourself. The fact that you’re still standing is testament to your strength.

As you do not have support yourself, I think counselling is an excellent option. Your toddler will feel the weight of your grief and it will be affecting them. Taking care of yourself will allow you to enjoy being that wonderful mummy.

Get rid of him.he has shown his true colours when you need him.im sorry for your loss xx

My Mum died early on in my relationship with (now) DH. It was tough but he was always there for me. He never berated me for crying. He never told me to get on with things. He hugged me, a lot. He often couldn’t say anything because what was there to say? But he held me until I could stop crying again. He’s no saint but he handled this really well. I still miss my Mum and it will be 11 years this year. It doesn’t catch me unawares like it used to but that feeling of loss never truly leaves you. You do just learn how to live with it.

I did get grief counselling through my local NHS service which was good. It was helpful to me just to talk things through with someone removed from the situation. It does sound like this might be beneficial to you too. Long term you need to think about whether your BF is the right person to be with. He doesn’t sound very sympathetic from how you’ve described him! Can I ask how old you both are?

I only found this description of grief recently but I think it’s beautifully put. I hope it helps a bit.

OP please get rid of this idiot, if he can't support you during this period of your life where you are going through something truly awful, he is not worth it. My Mum was in exactly the same position when my GM died, my stepfather was very cold, distant and even became emotionally abisive towards her, she left him and the home they'd recently bought together when he said she was wallowing in self pity, he never once showed her affection or sympathy, he expected her to snap out of the fact that her Morger had just died. She is much happier now they are divorced, and she has been allowed to grieve with the proper support!

*Mother not Morger 🙈

Its a great relief youre questioning your relationship. If he didnt say he loved you would you know it? Thats the only purpose of love, experiencing it. Sorry abt your dad. We are never old enough to lose our parents and ironically if your self centred boyfriend supported you you most likely would have less sad days. Maybe you grieve your dads kind of care that you havent found in your new relationship. Hes right about going fpr counselling. It can help you so much.

I think you should look into grief counselling op. Not because there's anything wrong with you, but because you do need space to grieve and between looking after your son, supporting you mum and your dp not being any use, you don't have that. Having a safe space to feel your passion and talk about it will hopefully help you to heal.

Men can be weird about not being able to fix problems but he may also just be emotionally disconnected and immature.
How is he about talking about his own feelings? If you need to talk about a stressful day with your DS etc?

He's only ever known you in this grief phase and if you were my friend I'd worry you were rushing into this for the wrong reasons and from the wrong place. You owe it to yourself and your son to ensure you're making the right choice for you both

He doesn’t sound remotely supportive, he just wants you to put on your happy face when you’re with him so that he doesn’t have to concern himself with your feelings. This is not a man that would support you through the hard and painful times life can throw at you. I think you should get shot.

I would suggest though that as you are looking to him for support, that you do need support, and to talk, and so finding a counsellor may be therapeutic. I saw one once over some childhood stuff, and it’s so good for the soul. I’d do it for 6 weeks every year if I could!

Thanks again for all your replies. As I said in my first post we hardly see each other maybe twice a week for around 3 hours a time and then we may do something with the children on the weekend. So whenever we see each other because we don’t have Long together or we are with the little ones I tend to just make the most of this time and be happy and enjoy myself. It’s mostly at night when my little one goes to bed or when he’s over his other nans for the day that I Cry and I text him to say I’m upset. We did have a few days away last week with the little ones and one night I did get upset but he continued to watch the film and didn’t say anything so I only had a few tears. I feel like I can’t be upset in front of him. I did break down once when we were out after a few drinks and he said that wasn’t grief 😣 he says he wants to move in with me he says he wants a future we have done lovely things together. I don’t care if he doesn’t understand grief itself I don’t need him to understand. It really hurt yesterday when he said he was “tired” of hearing about stuff about my dad.! He said it’s either me or my mum or someone in my family he’s had enough hearing about it! IT as in my dad passing. It’s been hard.. me and my mum argue a lot we used to be best friends but things are too much living together (two mums under one roof and all that) I do everything for her, thankfully he recognizes this but says if we are living together and she’s still relying on me or arguing etc etc he will have to say something 🙈 he seems very old fashioned in his ways in that he will say stuff like a black person shouldn’t be with a white person. As I’m writing this lots of things are coming to my head, things he’s said that are ringing alarm bells. I guess abusive relationships don’t just have to be about physical abuse or someone calling u names or swearing it could also come in this form surely? Acting cold and not being supportive etc? I don’t know? He’s a great dad though.. amazing in fact and amazing with my little boy. I do feel in one way that if we move in together if he seen me upset rather than reading a message he may react differently? When I’ve had a stressful day with my little one he’s great at giving advice for that because he’s been through it (he’s a very hands on dad!) his stepdad died he was an alcoholic he never ever talks about that apart from that he can’t be too sad because his stepdad did it to himself 🙈
Will definitely look at counseling thank you x

You’re expecting too much from someone you’ve only known a short time. Sorry. You have to find resolution in yourself rather then expecting it from others. Counselling can help

Don’t let him move in. Get counselling.

I really don't think you should be with this man, never mind thinking of having him live with you and your 18 month old.

I think your instinct about abuse/control is right.

He is already trying to get you to modify your behaviour (ignoring you when you display being upset so you stoped, and telling you you shouldn't, implying he is bored of it).

This is not good role modelling in front of your child.
Is this how he will expect your child to behave too?

Sounds like he only wants to be with you for the fun stuff and expects you to entertain him.
This is not what makes a relationship.

I hope you find some counselling helpful re grieving for your Dad.

Do you have friends you can turn to for support instead of this bf?

Hope this comes across Ok, but if he does not feel like he wants to be in a relationship with you whilst you are grieving then he should be ending it.
Not putting pressure on you to change/be different.

As to the "get professional help" comment, generally you would not be accepted for grief counselling until at least 12 months after the bereavement.

This isn't true and I speak from a professional perspective. There isn't a blanket rule and you can access counselling around the 3 month mark. That gives some time for you to process the loss and engage in counselling.

he seems very old fashioned in his ways in that he will say stuff like a black person shouldn’t be with a white person

That's not old fashioned. It's plain ignorance bordering on racism.

If you want a person like him in your life ... so be it.

He'll pass those views on to his children/your children.

I honestly don’t think I’m asking much of him literally an “it’ll be ok” would suffice but I don’t even get that. :( when we first started dating I could talk to him about it so I know he has it in him to care but like he’s said he’s getting tired of it! Surely if u love someone u never get tired of them being upset with grief especially when it’s not happening very often! If I was crying a lot 20 years down the line then he may have the right to say that but it’s still very fresh in my head.
I will definitely see a counsellor.
I don’t have many friends when u have children sometimes u lose touch or grow apart. My brothers fiancé is my best friend I talk to her about anything she’s great :)

Very sorry about your dad.

I agree with PPs that it’d be sensible to end the relationship. Your bf sounds like a “fair weather” type at best!

If you don’t end, definitely don’t move in together! Given the short time of dating you barely know your bf, you’re grieving so it’s not a good time, there are some “red flags” with his behaviour, from the sounds of it he seems unlikely to cope well with a toddler. Plus, it’d be very unfair on your mum.

Focus on your personal situation, managing the grief as best you can, parenting, your family and friends, work or study.