Leave my husband over lack of career

[Shiraznowplease]

I have two children, 6 and 9 and have been married for 15 years. I had the successful career and earned three times what my husband did then. He was doing lots of courses and I left a job I loved for one with a lot more money. He subsequently lost his job twice and when I previously tried to go back to my old role he said we couldn’t afford it so he finally has a better job and I have been trying to go back to my old field but can’t as things have moved on and even when I apply for junior positions which I was several grades above I can’t. I can’t get passed how much I have given up for mu husband and while he is doing better he is still isn’t great financially. Do I leave him as I resent him so much or how do I get passed this ?

I think once resentment sets in it's game over personally OP. When you sit down and think about it could you see yourself spending the rest of your life with him. What are his good points, how is your relationship in generally.. affectionate, fun?

Thanks gamerchick this is kind of how I feel. I hate my current job so much so that I am on sertraline, just feel my life has been a waste and I can’t forgive him for messing up so many chances whilst simultaneously squandering mine

However it will devastate my children so was wondering if anyone had been through similar and their marriage had survived

So now he actually has a better job, you want to leave him and devastate the DC just because you can't go back to your old job? Look, money isn't everything, it's not a competition and you're in this together as a family! It's not all about you.

I think you need some counselling to help you get this in perspective.
Can't you get some updated training in your preferred job?
Is there some back story that you aren't telling us? Is he cruel, or nasty, or unfàithful?

Have you told your DH how you really feel and the situation is a deal breaks for you?

I get you, I really do. This sort of thing was the death knell on my marriage amongst other stuff.

He is in a much better job but still way behind where I would be. Just had an interview and didn’t get the job. The feedback was I scored the highest by far in the technical test, I interviewed well and was very personable however my lack of recent experience in the current field (different branch of same career) meant that they were unable to offer the job.
I have cried buckets and feel I can no longer support my husband being the dutiful wife and doing the mundane domestic tasks so he can concentrate on his career (his third different one 😡)

What do you actually resent him for?

What’s stopped you from going back to your previous jobs? Why is it his fault you can no longer do this?

I’m assuming you quit work to raise children - if you earned so much more than him, surely it would’ve made sense for you to work and him to raise the kids at home? Just because you chose NOT to do that, it isn’t all his fault..

Nobody’s forced you to quit your job. You could’ve stayed and paid for childcare with all the money you were earning. You could’ve continued working after maternity leave and gone part time or had your husband look after the children.

I think your resentment is mixed in with jealousy that he’s doing well career wise and you’re not, mainly due to choosing to stay home and raise your children. That’s the risk you take with having kids I’m afraid - that’s a sad fact. That isn’t your husbands fault.

single no he is a good dad and a caring husband.
randommess he knows and this has been an ongoing issue in our marriage which fears its head periodically
Just feel my life has been wasted, I feel unfulfilled

I had an opportunity to go and work in New York - which would have been an amazing and career-enhancing opportunity. At the time I earned three times what DH did. He didn't want to give up his job and pointed out quite reasonably that he wouldn't know what to do with himself tagging along with me

We've always functioned as an equal partnership and I got the fact he didn't want to do this. Ten years later I still earn a multiple of what my DH does but he's happy and that's fine with me. But that's only fine with me because I learned that the opportunity that got away was just that - an opportunity that got away. You can't do everything.

What helped me is that I moved sideways from a role I wasn't enjoying to a role where I had more autonomy so if I wasn't enjoying it - it was more my responsibility IYSWIM.

Good luck

Rears nor fears

however my lack of recent experience in the current field (different branch of same career) meant that they were unable to offer the job

That isn’t your husbands fault though?! So why are you resenting him for it?? Whether you’d married him or somebody else you would’ve still taken time off from working to raise your children. So regardless of who your husband was you’d still be in the same position - no recent experience due to raising kids at home.

I think your husband is the easiest option to blame and you’re taking your frustrations out on him. You’re frustrated with the truth - quitting work = no recent experience when you decide you want to go back.

That’s a fact. It isn’t your husbands fault regardless of how many jobs he’s had

chippyway think you may have misread my initial post I have never given up work, I merely moved to a different branch of my field so that he was able to work away/ put in extra hours etc. I work part time now but was full time until children (6 years after all this initially happened).
I now view my job as a job and not a career.

Is there perhaps a third job/career you could move into ? Not going back to the first but more inspiring and enjoyable than your current role. It’s a shame that you regret leaving the first industry but if relevant recent experience is a massive stumbling block to getting back into it then you might need to bite the bullet and look for a fresh start in another field.

Thanks Jenny I have looked into that but I earn more part time than he does full time so we couldn’t afford for me to retrain.

So if you leave him, your'e punishing both him and the DC -AND that won't help you career wise anyway. You'll have money worries, childcare problems and sad children. And still no chosen job and absolutely no chance of getting it!

Husband wants to go to counselling but don’t know how it would help as wouldn’t change the past. I am aware of that single but have lost all respect for him especially as latest career cockup for him was less than 6 months ago.

Did you put your career on hold so he could pursue his? Was this forced and is he still preventing this, or was it a joint decision.
Those are the questions you need to answer in order to move forward.

Your issue seems to be you moved into a different branch of your career, but why is that his fault ? And why did that help him work away and extra hours. You chose to move branches, he did not make you.

There are lots of different threads here.

1). Made the wrong choice with changing & then leaving jobs yourself?

2). Resentment your OH is getting the choice to change jobs* & work (particularly when you feel better qualified)?

3). Lost income? Lost opportunity?

4). Stuck at home, getting ever more detrained.

How will leaving him help? Do you like him otherwise? Do you feel he made you stay home?

If I was you & I'm not...I would look for childcare & work out what training I need & get on with it. There's funding for some courses now and/or I would look at the family finances & see what could be done.

There are also back to work schemes by some firms.

Get a plan, what's happened in the past is affecting you & your confidence but it's no actual help. If your husband supports you, fine, if not, then leave him. But work out what you want first...

• check out ADHD symptoms, this change in jobs/more motivated by change/interest than income/goals sounds familiar.

There's been more posts whilst I wrote my essay, forgive anything I got wrong.

I agree that counselling is a good idea. Whether or not you stay in your marriage, right now it seems like you have a lot of complicated thoughts about all this and it would be good to sort them out and get clear on what is your anger at him Vs resentment at the situation - and also to acknowledge what he truly forced Vs what you chose, and (in my case at least) whether you have some underlying biases about the role of the man vs woman in a relationship.
I do feel sympathy, I had to go back to a full time that I don't enjoy so that DH could go part time, I missed the kids and having an enjoyable work environment, while he spent forever agonising about his 'path' - a luxury that I didn't get to have. It really does cause tremendous resentment, sometimes on both sides. please do find someone to talk to.

So now he actually has a better job, you want to leave him and devastate the DC just because you can't go back to your old job? Look, money isn't everything, it's not a competition and you're in this together as a family! It's not all about you.

^This. You sound selfish and self centred.

I miss my old job too, but we all have to do what is best for our families at any given point in time. Personally, I don't think there would be a huge amount of sympathy for a man on here who had taken a higher paying job to support his family and then resented his partner for the fact that he couldn't get back into his original profession and/or because his partner's career wasn't as lucrative as his own. You did what was necessary at the time.

I'm the main breadwinner in our family, and DH will never be able to earn as much as I can. It doesn't matter, because we're a team and we have different strengths. Yes, I miss the old job that I loved but it paid much less than I'm able to earn now, and that's a sacrifice I've chosen to make for the financial security of my family.

From what you have written it sounds like you want to be the only high earning, high achiever in the relationship. Have you always felt so superior to your DH?