Leave my husband over lack of career

[Shiraznowplease]

I have two children, 6 and 9 and have been married for 15 years. I had the successful career and earned three times what my husband did then. He was doing lots of courses and I left a job I loved for one with a lot more money. He subsequently lost his job twice and when I previously tried to go back to my old role he said we couldn’t afford it so he finally has a better job and I have been trying to go back to my old field but can’t as things have moved on and even when I apply for junior positions which I was several grades above I can’t. I can’t get passed how much I have given up for mu husband and while he is doing better he is still isn’t great financially. Do I leave him as I resent him so much or how do I get passed this ?

I hear you.

Am I right in thinking it is not that he earns less than you, but that you made the sacrifice to provide him opportunity which he isn’t taking advantage of (messing up, losing job etc)?

Does he resent you for earning more, however unfairly and hence you have to take on the domestic duties? That is very common.

I wonder if he is sabotaging you so that he gets to be the full time "breadwinner"?

I think the main issue is you say he put you in this position.

How did he do that? Did he actually force you in some way to not follow your career? If so then you have every reason to feel as you do.

If it was a joint decision then it really isn’t his fault.

Whichever I too think counselling is a good idea, especially as your H wants it too. Start with counselling and see how you feel about things afterwards.

What do you need to be able to feel this is resolved? For him to acknowledge that you made sacrifices for him and his career - for him to thank you? Because that is something you could talk through in counselling - it sounds like it has to be worth a try if he is one of the good guys. Or is the career issue just what you're fixating on when actually what's happened is that you've fallen out of love with him?

I get it OP. You have supported him through multiple fuck ups, screwed over your own career in order to help him and you quite reasonably resent him for it.
The thing is, leaving now will do more harm than good - your kids will be devastated, it will leave you up shit creek with childcare etc and you might end up paying him spousal support! I think getting all this out at counselling will be good for you. But going forward, you have to not make anymore sacrifices for his career.

Can you do some unpaid internship in your old field, to get the current experience? Galling, since you are clearly more than capable, but if you could fit it around your pt work (and make h deal with childcare), it might help you get back what you lost and kill the resentment somewhat.

I think your resentment is misguided.

What are you actually proposing to DO to sort the work situation? Interview says you didn't have recent current experience? So, EXACTLY how are you going to get this? What's your practical plan, work wise to make sure you do get the next job your interviewed for?

Is it possible for you to get up to speed - a course or some onsite training somewhere or voluntary role or sitting in on stuff. Reduce your working hours to accommodate

Or take a much lower job in the correct field and move forward quickly

Please stop blaming your husband because you are unhappy. Find your own happiness. Please get some counselling.

What oblomov said

What are you doing about it now? Try not to give up. Someone will take a chance on you.

Stop looking in your husbands direction when you crash an interview.

Imo you gave your career up for your family circumstances. Many of us do.

I think you resent his lack of earning potential.

Resentment is like drinking your own poison

I did what Labradoodliedoodoo suggested.
I applied for junior roles, doing what I want to do, and accepted a significant pay cut cos all I need is a year or twos recent experience and I'll be be able to earn good money again. 3 months in and I am LOVING my new job. I feel so challenged and valued.

"Or take a much lower job in the correct field and move forward quickly"

I thought her husband had already said no to this suggestion?

Also she didn't "crash" the interview, she very well but lost out to someone doing the role now.

I'm really not understanding the responses to op here, seem not to have read her posts properly some of them.

I'm really not understanding the responses to op here, seem not to have read her posts properly some of them.

What Sardines said. ^

Her husband said no some time back, he now has a better job so the option may be on the cards.
My dp wasnt entirely on board but eventually acknowledged it was my choice,

OP should be pushing this now. It's that or resentment to the end.

I think it's pretty insulting to say she 'crashed' the interview, she did a great interview and it was literally lack of recent experience that stopped her getting the job but it seems to be one of those industries where it's hard to even drop down a few levels and get experience in a paid role (I sort of know how that feels, I work in some areas where I'd imagine it was the case).

For instance: Imagine that you worked in a role where everyone used X systems and software, social media etc. You're out for 10 years - you go back and now you have to use Y systems and software, and different social media, even though you have seen how the progression has happened and understand it, you've not got practical experience of using it so people can't count your theoretical knowledge of it. The basics are the same and you have a lot of transferrable skills and technical knowledge but the daily applications are different and you need to learn those - and they are the same from the lowest grade up so in that sense you aren't any better than a new starter. That's why I think doing it voluntarily or as an intern type thing might be best as that's literally all you need to learn. Hopefully that makes sense.

I understand your frustration and bitterness. Being forced to drive a career in a different direction to what you would have liked so that your husband could mess about with his. I have a very similar scenario and haven’t found a way to ‘get over’ my resentment. I don’t know if I ever can so I afraid I don’t have any advice. I keep hoping giving it time the resentment will fade..not ideal.

This situation is not just a question of personal choice etc. - it's a feminist issue, and one which goes right to the heart of the gender pay gap debate. OP, you have paid a gendered penalty, despite your DH's lower earning power muddying the issue. If you can separate your annoyance at his poor career choices from the anger you feel about being forced to pay this gendered penalty, you might be able to find a constructive way forward. Maybe it's time to get campaigning and rock some political boats...

You have two children. It really isn't fair to them to split up and leave things even more difficult finacially just because you resent him. You a quite justified in your feelings, I know how it feels believe me. But at the end of the day you agreed to give up your career (as did I in my time) so you (we) are also just as much to blame for that. It can be difficult to accept giving that up when your husband is so hopeless in his career and you don't have to accept it if you don't want to but you do have to get on with it fir the sake of your children. Leaving him won't suddenly change your career prospects. You have already lost that, don't loose everything else too.