Shall I end my relationship or keep trying?

[Chloes98]

So me and my partner have been together for a year and a half (so not too long), were expecting our first little one next year (he has another child from a past relationship who is almost 9). Anyway so last year he cheated on me, I found out and after it all decided to give him another chance. I do believe he's not cheating and has been faithful since, and I 100% agree on second chances. So that's not the issue, but of course there's times I have doubts and that. But I'm really struggling with our relationship, I get im hormonal but I don't think I'm over thinking or over exaggerating this in anyway. Point is, were not happy, were not half as close as we used to be at all, I feel like I'm walking on egg shells half the time so he doesn't get the hump as I can't be bothered to deal with arguments and him tbf, our romance/intamicy/sex life is pretty shit, well not existent you could say. I've discussed it with him and he says he finds it weird knowing our child is inside of me, especially if she was to kick or whatever whilst we were doing something. Now I get this, some men do feel this way. But he doesn't find me attractive, we have no flirtatious side, no intamicy or romance and I don't think we ever will. I don't work yet I've bought most the stuff for the baby, yes I got the maternity grant but would be nice for him to at least offer or just buy a few bits anything. I don't bring in a lot of money as I'm on universal credit at the moment, and he does help out sometimes if I need extra money for bus fair, food whatever but will moan about it. I'm made to feel bad for not bringing in much money etc which is just shitty. I also suffer with mental health, which he doesn't understand or even try to. When I even mention seeing the physciatrist, he's so against it and makes me feel guilty or ashamed for going. He says a lot of things without thinking, and doesn't understand my MH at all, which I get, so many people struggle to understand it, including me at times. But it's the point that he doesn't try to, never read up on it or asked to talk about it so he can understand more. He's extremely lazy, to the point where he rarely baths.. sometimes he'll cook or wash up but that's about it. And when he does, anyone would think he'd done everything in the world and done me a massive favour. Now I get that he works evenings 5 days a week, and I don't expect him to do a lot. But things like putting his washing in the basket, putting his rubbish away etc is just pure lazy. He used to get on with my family, but he lives at my mums with me and they are now getting the hump too. They moan to me about him, he moans to me about them. He rarely makes effort with my niece and nephew, and just moans when they're around. I love his daughter to bits and constantly make an effort but more than him tbf. He's always shouting at her, or moaning, never trying to arrange plans. When we do have her, she just wants to go home most the time or misses her mum/step dad. She tries with him and sometimes he'll bother, other times she is made to just sit down, or be quiet or whatever. When we do go out, it usually starts out good then he gets the hump or is bored or doesn't like what were doing basically, and we start to argue and it turns into a horrible day. Then he'll get over his strop and pretend nothing happened, tbf I do too because I can't be bothered with it. A few months ago I discussed ending it with him and he was all about changing it and he wants us to be together, as a family, he loves me etc etc. Sometimes it seems like he does love me and tbf I still love him. He makes so much effort with my bump already, scans etc, talking to the bump and about the future. But I don't think it's going to change once she is here, not for the better anyway. I want to try make it work but i think deep down I know it won't. But I'm less than 5 weeks from due and nows really not the time to end it, at all, I want him there at the birth for my daughter's sake and mine tbf. I've debated waiting and seeing if it changes once she's here, do I discuss it one last time but make it more clear he's gone if it carries on? I have no idea what to do. I want the perfect family but not if it carries on like this. I need help on what to do, I know the likelyhood is it won't work, but do I try again? Do I wait until the babys here? Someone please help, it's not helping my mood or sanity.

I don't know what he is, but he certainly isn't a partner.
Does he actually do anything useful for you right now as he sounds like a waste of space?

Cut your losses with him. I think you rushed into a relationship too fast with someone you barely know. Get your own life sorted out to where you aren't living with your mum. Get an education and a job.

At times he can be useful or try to be anyways. But it seems to be whatever mood he's in, if he's in a good mood then ye he'll message my back when I'm in pain, get me water when I feel sick, go to the shop when I crave something etc. We did rush into the relationship fairly quickly as only knew each other about 4 months before getting in a relationship. Fell pregnant after being together 9 months, wasn't planned no but already I love my daughter more than life itself and that won't change whether me and him are together or not. I'm working on moving out currently yes. But finished my education, however can't currently work but will eventually be going back to work

Christ, op, what are you doing with this man? He's a shit dad to his dd, he's cheated on you already, he tries to put you off looking after your own mental health, he does fuck all around the house, he doesn't wash. And you are hoping when your baby arrives, he'll have an epiphany and become a decent human being? It didn't happen when his first child was born.

You're not for real, are you.

I see it myself that it's common sense to end it. But am struggling with the thought of it, feel like I'm putting it off or hanging on to the small good moments and the hope that it will change (highly unlikely I know). It's harder now as I'm less than 5 weeks from due and have a high chance of preterm labour, so ending it now would be the worse possible time, but I get it's never going to be the right time

I'd be thinking the same if I were you. You can clearly see how he is acting as a father and he will be exactly the same to your child. You guys need to move out so you haven't got the stress of family if you are going to give it a go. He will have to help and support you a lot more when baby arrives he can't expect to be so lazy then. I'd give him a certain amount of time to fix up or get out. He's let you down before with cheating he should be making way more effort.

I get the lack of intimacy as my partner was like that when I was pregnant he wouldn't come near me. Even kisses and cuddles stopped and I felt so horrible. A few months after the birth it got better though and we are back on track in that department now but I know how crap it makes you feel

Daydreamer2407 thank you so much for your genuine reply and not being all judgemental. I do want to try but I don't even know how to bring it up to him AGAIN, we are looking at moving out hopefully within the next couple months which I hope will help as it is stressful living with my family. But I completely agree with what you're saying. Thank you

I actually think that if you struggle with your MH you are in a good position living with your family with the baby. Assuming you get on well with them. They can support you. I worry it will be hard to end your relationship once you are living alone with him and financially very dependent.

At the moment he sounds like a major cause of stress, not like he is relieving it!

Most people work 5 days. He can clean up after himself! Think of all the single parents who have 1001 things to do every day. He sounds very lazy.

dont move out, stay with your family, but he moves out. he isnt a good dad to his dd, he wont be good to yours, too. be practical.

I don't get on living well with my family, with or without him and am desperate to move out. I get this may be harder if I was to be living alone, but I think I could manage. I have struggled with my mental health for 7 years now so am fairly good at managing it too. I think the hard thing is, there's no in between, he's either stressing me out or can be really amazing and helpful. But I can't rely on what mood he's in, it shouldn't be that way.

Wow. Why is he living with your parents? how old are you both? where are his family?.
It all sounds very immature to be honest.
He would benefit from living on his own and taking responibility for himself instead of relying on others. He hets bored of his own child now what kind of dad will he be to yours?

He moved in late last year as was here all the time anyway. I'm 20, he's 27, it's only recently become this bad if I'm honest. Yes he can be very immature and reliant on me (with things like his washing etc). It does seem like he gets bored of his daughter, even sometimes lacks interest. It seems like there's no inbetween, he's either really supportive, making an effort, all about the future and actually doing stuff. Or the complete opposite. I think that's what's making it so much harder, I feel like I'm hanging on to the good times a little too much

He sounds like a complete knob and a waste of space.

Dirty, lazy, moody, tight with money, doesn't even try to understand your mental health issues.

And he's a shit dad to the daughter he's already got, so he won't be any different with your child...

You don't need him in your life. Get rid.

Life is too short to spend it walking on egg shells and hoping your partner is in a good mood. Can't imagine that is doing any good for your mental health. Chuck him op and concentrate on your little one, he doesn't sound like a decent dad to his first child so can't see anything changing tbh.

I agree with the others, get rid of him. He's a shit boyfriend, and a terrible father. His daughter would be better off without him in her life, and so will yours be.

He's not going to change, and a few crumbs of niceness doesn't make up for all his faults. The times he's nice, is it after you've had a moan at him?

I had my daughter and her boyfriend living with us, and he never helped around the house either, so I kicked him out after we had a row, so I can understand how your family feel about your boyfriend. It's not going to be doing your relationship with them much good.

You should never have taken him back after he cheated on you, people don't always deserve a second chance.

Time to take some responsibility and dump him, you and your daughter will be better off without him dragging you down. And work on your self esteem, you deserve better, and your daughter shouldn't grow up thinking that this unhealthy relationship is what relationships are like.

Its hard to take advice that says leave someone you think you love. You are carrying his child and want to believe a happy ever after is possible.

From what you have said it just isnt. He is not the hero of your story you eant him to be.

You are 20 years old your adult life has baerly just begun. And you sound quite naive. How many long term relationships have you had before this one?
Im guessing he moved things along pretty quickly and got his feet well under the table early on? If so I suspect he is quite practiced in this?

Do you really want to tie yourself to someone who at 27 should have developed enough common sense and maturity to have his own place and know that he can take care of his family before starting a new one after failing the first time round.

Its time to be your own hero and set things in motion that will ensure your child doesnt become like him or end up with someone equally as useless.

I’ve just posted this sentiment on another thread this morning.

A relationship should be supportive and nurturing and allow both people to be better, happier and more fulfilled people for you being a team.

Doesn’t sound like he does this for you.

You can ‘try’ all you want but if he’s not trying then you can’t try enough to make up for that.

He sounds like a peice if shit

His own daughter is miserable around him and wants to go home when she visits him. Do you want your own child feeling the exact same way? Because it will.

He hasn’t changed - this is who is he. The mask has just slipped as the honeymoon phase has gone.

You know the answer to your question on whether you should end it I just think you want it confirmed that it’s the right decision and YES! Yes it is. For you and your baby.

Do not put his name on the birth certificate if you break up. Obviously as the father he has rights and unless a danger to the baby/you then he should be given every chance to be a father but I would highly suggest giving the baby your last name not his.

There's not much going for this guy and honestly speaking...he's a poor choice for a father of your child.

The number of unplanned accidental pregnancies on MN is astounding.

Why can’t you work?

Maelstrop what really does that have to do with anything.

I appreciate all of your comments. I'm aware how shit things are, the good times aren't just when I moan at him or we have an argument, but that honestly makes it no better. I know exactly what I have to do, think it's just being scared of doing it. No that doesn't make me niave or immature at all, there's people in relationships, older, younger, together longer or less that still have trouble leaving one another. For those saying the baby is a mistake, that's just shallow. Yes I wish I done it differently in terms of the father, or making sure we was both stable/happy, but it happened and now I wouldn't change my daughter for the world already. Yes I would change the situation obviously, but even if I had the chance, i would not give up on this baby. It's not ideal she has us split up no, but she will get all the love and care she needs and more no matter what the situation and I will make sure of it. I have been in one other serious relationship yes, and a couple broken ones, not that it has much to do this at all. I get people think because I'm 20, it's silly, but that's not why I come on here and nor do I agree with those comments. A 20 year old could be more mature than a 40 year old, you don't know unless you know them both. I was thinking that just last night about my surname instead now or at least putting both in as he is still the father. I don't want my daughter having a different last name to me and the likely hood we will get married is crazily small now so think it's the safest option. It's not doing any for my mental health at all no, and I know exactly what the next step is. Thank you for all your help!

Just a FYI, if she has his name, and you want to take her abroad on holidays, you might need a letter from him giving his permission. If you don't want that hassle, (he might refuse to do it) don't give her his name, even if you think you won't be going abroad.

Don't be persuaded into giving her his surname if he turns on the charm or makes promises later on - he's shown you who he is. Easy enough to change it later if things somehow work out between you (as you'll both agree to it) - extremely difficult to change her name to yours if it doesn't work out and he refuses to let you.

Thank you! I didn't know that about going abroad, so if I was to put both our surnames, could I still possibly have this trouble? I 100% want my surname in there, even though I hate it myself but don't want her having a different surname to me. And the likelyhood of me having his surname now is obviously very very slim

Women across the ages haven’t given their children their own surname and men haven’t taken their when they marry. Our gender have coped just fine and so will your STBX.