Help. Feels like DS16 driving me to distraction

[PierDrop]

I could have put this in "Teenagers" forum but am putting it here, shamelessly, for traffic.

Am single mother with DS, just turned 16. I have some serious physical health issues but just-about-cope. Stress is not good for me or my health, so I try to keep things as peaceful, even keel as possible.

Tonight I was cooking dinner which takes a lot of effort for me. At the end, whilst doing the final touches and serving up in the kitchen, with a very sharp knife in hand, my son comes in without me being aware, stands behind me and flicks cold water all over my back.

I scream in shock and feel suddenly v angry. I have told him many times not to startle me in this way - but obviously its not gone "in". When I remonstrate angrily, he gets rude and defensive.

This is just one example. There's often a general low level negativity and moaning in particular, rudeness and "attitude". Plus various odd annoying behaviours - constantly cracking his knuckles, talking with his mouth full, regularly interrupting me/talking over me loudly, various other things.

I am hoping there might be some kind of refreshing point of view that I can't see. I am just stuck and feel regularly stressed and at a loss as to what to do. Any thoughts or ideas as to what I should do or how I can improve things?

I teach his age group and this sounds like perfectly normal behaviour. Annoying, but perfectly normal. General sullenness, rudeness (to a certain extent) moodiness and attitude are part of being a teenager unfortunately. The examples you give, like knuckle cracking, sound very minor to me. Again annoying but minor and normal. And all teenagers hate being told off and react defensively.

How much water are we talking about? Flicking suggests it wasn't a lot and sounds playful to me.
You sound exhausted and very stressed so perhaps are hyper sensitive because of that.
Communication when you're not angry is the key. But again nothing seems to go in with teens, they're in their own world!

Oh it's got to be a thing OP. I'm a single parent of a 16 yr old post GCSEs too and it's f'ing hard That's all I can say. Who knew it would be so stressful. I've been a single parent for absolutely years and this seems to me the time when I could most use someone else around. Feel like I'm teetering on the edge. So it's not just you

Not that was much help except, hopefully, solidarity.

I think the fact that teenagers are such hard work is natures way of preparing you for them flying the nest in a few years. There’s part of you that want’s them to still need you BUT the larger part that wants to hoist the bunting high, crack out the fizz and party like it’s1999 whilst waving them off !

He sounds quite normal to me - teenagers haven't fully formed the emotional coping mechanisms adults have, they feel emotions more strongly and also have less control over impulses.

This means they're annoying, sometimes rude and disobey.

So long as he is doing fine in school, isn't being very bad and mostly is just an annoying, rude but harmless individual... then I don't think he's thaaat bad.

Not saying it's easy, mind. But I just mean maybe you're feeling it particularly hard and he's not a demon.

Single Mum with 18 and 17 year old DS. This is complete normal teenage boy behaviour. They're such weird creatures. Mine drive me crazy sometimes. The water flicking is just attention seeking I think. DS2 does stuff like that. Your health issues must make it more difficult to deal with, so I do sympathise.

I didn't come back for a while, sorry.

Felt so fragile - I thought - you know gonna get a kicking from MN and can't face it.

Thank you AtoZ for the solidarity aspect. I feel like I'm going out of my fucking mind. Despite my health, I 'm normally quite a 'together' person.

Thanks for other comments saying 'normal teenager' stuff too.

I know I need to be the adult, but I feel under constant attack. I know I just need to disconnect when an argument is coming (almost every chat/discussion, however innocuous seems to end up edgy and argumentative). Another massive row tonight.

I think the best thing is a kind of 'distancing' to be honest, though I am not sure how exactly to go about this. I just don't know if I can cope for another 2 years.

Anyway thanks for comments and .

All of you with more peaceful teenage DC please count your blessings every day!

More peaceful teenagers?? Well there's a misnomer.

I was also a bit surprised at your account of his behaviour - I was expecting something really serious but it's normal teenage stuff. Quite mild, actually. I think you're getting off lightly op.

However, feeling you can't cope is genuine and needs exploration. I just don't believe your son's behaviour is the cause of your stress.

What were your parents like? Do you expect your boy to be quiet and sensible? Flicking cold water on your neck is bloody annoying but typical horseplay for a boy that age - he's showing his affection in that unbelievably irritating way lol.

Poor kid, he's having a bit of fun with you and you're screaming like he'd wielded that sharp knife! How about having a laugh with him?

obviously i'm not gonna post about water thrown on my back by itself.
nearly all posters have a back-story, which they usually mention in their post or outline further later. you missed the bit about rudeness, negativity and other issues. issues i haven't gone into because, well don't want an essay. maybe you "can't believe" but maybe you don't know us or everything spring daffs.

anyway, i've got plenty to deal with, without posters who offer nothing in the way of positive ideas and help, so will pass on that subtly snidy , blaming and unhelpful one.

but if it makes you feel good to sneer and mock unhappy homes, including parents (yes they do live their too) keep at it ....

Nobody can respond based on details you havent provided though, OP. If the water example isnt a good, perhaps just give a few more which better demonstrate the extent of the potential issue. People might be able to give some more specific advice then and will have more context.

Woah! Lighten up! I bothered to post op - plenty haven't.

You're making a lot of fuss here over not much. Rude? Well yes, that's what teenagers do and are.

Your poor boy, stuck in a house with you. I don't say that unkindly. As parents we have to face some uncomfortable stuff at times. Your boy is the priority here, not you. When he's gone you can stretch out and relax but for now you have to put up with his irritating ways.

Have you read any parenting books? Spoken to the GP about what appears to be very low tolerance?

fair enough badger, but don't expect nasty, blaming responses either. who assume the worst of me, without knowing anything about me.

sometimes people give "last straw" things of course which (might) sound innocuous in and of themselves but of course are not.

I have told him not to come up behind me and startle me because of my health - but I really can't get into justifying myself to a bunch of judgmental strangers.

the other stuff i wrote ignored.

its not a question of judge and jury anyway - more support (yep that one) or positive ideas.

I got some, and was thankful and feeling a bit more positive.

Then SpringDaff comes along and basically calls me an over-reactive fool. Nice one.

my poor boy - - there is really no need to feel sorry for him. that snidy remark about my parenting really below the belt.

i've read loads of parenting books but thanks for the patronising advice.

my GP? really. just another example of you being rude and insulting. can you leave the thread. your comments are unwelcome and unhelpful.

Nobody can respond based on details you havent provided though, OP.

What about
regularly interrupting me/talking over me loudly,
from the op?

That's rude and disrespectful. Would it be ok to do that to his teachers, his girlfriend, his (future) wife? If it wouldn't, then it's not ok to do it to his mother, either.

Over-reactive, yes. Fool, no - that is your word, not mine.

So where does your boy get his rude and abusive ways op? You do a good line in rudeness and abuse there, unlike me.

I think you'll also find you can't dictate who posts on your thread. You need to hear what I'm saying, for your son's sake. The problem here looks to be you not him.

If you have a problem with stress, as it seems, speak to your GP to get to the bottom of it. Don't just abuse people who don't agree with you - or blame your son who is being an ordinary kid.

pierdrop. Ignore The rudeness;’some people just like a good wind up! I too am a single mum, my DS drives me virtually insane. Tonight we had a calm night, I feel so much more sane; I thought to myself “ah, this must be how some people feel all the time!”. Tips from me- well just try and tolerate when he is just being him; if he’s rude then talk about it later. Try and leave the room if he’s winding you up too much. And be kind tonyourself it’s not easy, and the effects are cumulative.

springy, you are out of order and you know it. Remember this is a supportive site not one where we try and be as nasty and insulting as possible!

Your poor boy, stuck in a house with you. I don't say that unkindly.

Yes you do say that unkindly. There is no other way to say that. The OP is a normal stressed mother of a teen - not a monster. You were very unkind actually.

OP, I have teens and honestly this is the hardest phase. My friends generally agree too (other than a lucky one or two who have very easy kids). The low-level irritation is awful coupled with the worry about them and trying to forge a new more adult relationship with them while still worrying about them. It is hard. I honestly don't know how I would do it without having their other parent next to me to complain to (and I complain graphically - the samantha bee insult of ivanka trump was used a lot last week between dh and me) - so I admire anyone who has to do it essentially alone.

If I were you I would try to go out with him for a pizza - or order in maybe- on a night you aren't stressed/don't have work the next day and say to him that you must annoy the hell out of him sometimes and to be honest he irritates you too but maybe the 2 of you could agree that you are each trying your best.

I also think minimising stress would help too - don't cook if it is too much. if possible buy a pizza or a rotisserie chicken and salad and have that. Find a show on tv you both like and watch it together (the office/modern family/its always sunny in philadelphia work for us).

This too will pass.

I genuinely don't know what you are talking about squeegle. I don't at all know I am out of order and I have not been nasty and insulting - unlike op.

I have an opinion op doesn't like, which has elicited abuse from op towards me, which is unacceptable.

Visit your GP about your current low tolerance to stress op. Do it for your boy.

Your poor boy, stuck in a house with you. I don't say that unkindly.

This is nasty and insulting. If you find it difficult to understand that, springy, I suggest you visit your GP.

But you understand perfectly well. you just decided to get a kick in to a woman under stress who posted for help. you might want to see a GP about that too.

I don't think it's funny at all that a 16 year old boy is creeping up and throwing water on his poorly mum who has a knife in her hand and is probably cooking for him. It's dangerous and stupid. He's not a young boy of 6 and he's been told previously not to do it.

It must be tough with your ill health and being a single parent, 16 year old teenagers are rarely peaceful and can be quite stressful. They are at a juncture in their lives were they are not yet adults but feel they are not children. This can be a really difficult time as a parent and a teenager.

DS has just finished his GCSE's and has a long summer ahead of him and needs to release some stress and cabin fever so I am encouraging him to fill up his time with National Citizen Service, looking for a weekend job either voluntary or paid and other things that do not involve him being glued to his computer.

The flicking water at you and shocking you when you had a sharp knife in your hand is silly and potentially dangerous. I think he may have been trying to get your attention or thought he was being funny without really considering the situation. When you shouted at him he may have been defensive as his "joke" had backfired.

Low level negativity and moaning is quit usual but draining.

Rudeness and attitude can be frequent as they test the boundaries, this can be so frustrating but I'm sure this will improve with maturity.

Cracking his knuckles drive some people insane, could you ask him to do it away from you as you really don't like it?

Talking with his mouthful is a pet hate of mine too! Thankfully my son hates it too so I cant advise anything other than telling him you will keep prompting him to stop and it is boring for you as well so please stop.

Talking over you and interrupting is a respect issue and you and you are totally right to challenge him continually on this.

To be honest I tend to "pick my battles" with my DS. He is a good kid who works hard in school and has never been in any trouble. His room can get into a tip and he can be a moody so and so but I have found my mums saying of "you catch more flies with honey than vinegar" a great strategy. If I shout at him for being rude it escalates the situation and can develop into a spat, if I let him know that he is being rude and it really upsets me when he talks to me like that it strikes a chord with him. Don't get me wrong I'm not a pushover and if he really crosses a line he knows that I will have no hesitation in taking him to task.

I have seen some of my older DD's friends relationships with their parents really disintegrate between the ages of 16-18 and it has left a wedge that continued when they have gone to university.

Do you get to spend any time doing things together that you both enjoy? Due to you health this may be difficult but often the most simple things can be fun. As a really silly example example I was doing a jigsaw and my DS was joking that I was getting old, I ignored him and before long he couldn't resist joining in and it turned into a real competition as to who could do it quicker. Never in a million years would I have got him to join in if I had asked him directly. Also my local cinema is holding cheap showings of films that have been out for a few weeks, we wait and go and see stuff together if I have the money.

This is just one example. There's often a general low level negativity and moaning in particular, rudeness and "attitude". Plus various odd annoying behaviours - constantly cracking his knuckles, talking with his mouth full, regularly interrupting me/talking over me loudly, various other things.