Am I in an abusive relationship?

[keyboardjellyfish]

I don't know what to do. We are both women, for reference. We are due to be married in April and start IVF in June.

She gets angry so easily and it's easier to say nothing and not respond because if I say anything she gets angrier and louder. If I don't respond she leaves, which is sad but it's easier to manage. She shouts at me and winds me up, I think, and I don't know what to do.

Right now I'm unemployed and job hunting like crazy (and doing sex work when I can although that's incredibly difficult for me at this time of year due to anniversary of being raped). She knows it's hard at this time of year. Not that she's helped me through flashbacks or especially difficult patches. She's employed but her job is coming to an end and she's stressed about money which I get, so am I. But she's taking it out on me. I don't know what to do. I don't have money to get out although I have somewhere I could go. And what about our three cats? And I love her so much but I feel like this is getting scary.

If you have somewhere to go then you should go there. It sounds such a difficult situation but you're not happy and she's not being very supportive of you. It's obviously a bad plan to try to have a child together when the relationship is like this.
Have you had any counselling to help you about the rape? Maybe call rape crisis for support

At the very least stop talking about marriage or children if you don't know if you want to be there, take one step at a time. You shouldn't be scared, if you're scared then you need to leave and either get joint counselling if you suspect the fear is unwarranted, or just keep going if she's ever given you reason for that fear. Separately to your relationship with your partner, you should not be doing sex work if it's reminding you of abuse rather than being something you enjoy. You need to apply for other jobs instead and go to the job centre for help.

Is the relationship abusive? I'm not sure that's the right question. What will putting a label on it really do?

Are you happy?
If you were not already in this relationship would you want to be in it? If not, what will you do about it?

I don't know if I'm happy anymore. I definetely was. I want to be with her but I think it's because I love her rather than enjoying the relationship and what we have. Does that make sense?

I am applying for jobs but she's shouting at me about how we should split everything 50/50 now, and bills go out in the next week, and I can't magic a job other than sex work in the next couple of weeks.

I'm going to stop mentioning the children and marriage stuff to her for now because I don't want to think about it.

If you feel scared, there is your answer.

There shouldn't be a preferable way to "manage" her, but you find yourself not reacting, so she leaves as you do not want to be on the end of her temper.

You are walking on eggshells.

Yes, that is classed as abuse. It doens't have to be physical. And being worried about money is no excuse.

for you, op. Be kind to yourself.

Thank you.

I don't know what to do. I mean, I know what I should do, but I love her. That's not a reason to stay with someone who makes you scared, I know. I know what I'd tell a friend in a similar position. But a part of me still holds out hope that we can work it out and get past this because it's just to do with money. I've applied for 20 jobs today. Maybe if I get one it'll be ok.

God, I feel like an idiot.

Walking on eggshells is definetely the right phrase. I'm always worried about setting her off by doing or saying something. I'm speaking less and less because I don't know what's okay anymore.

If she's happy for you to do sex work when it's causing you to remember rape and being hurt, she doesn't even like you let alone love you. And being afraid to speak in your own home is horrible. You'd have better treatment in jail. I've been in your exact situation. It won't get better, you've got to get away you deserve much better.

Just the fact you're worried about setting her off tells me it's abusive.
Also her taking problems out on you and getting angry and loud too. And the fact you're even questioning things.

I was with another woman for 13 years and stayed for love, it wasn't worth doing, thankfully we didn't marry or have any kids. I regret staying so long because my ex's controlling behaviour escalated and I was left so broken and in so much debt. I wish i'd got out sooner.

Galop are really helpful and should be able to help you figure things out: www.galop.org.uk/ ..they offer me support by email and you can call them too. They can point you in the direction of local help too. There's also women's aid, they're ok too.

It can be hard to see if it's abusive when you're in the relationship but from what you've said, from an outside perspective, yeah it does sound quite abusive. You're not an idiot.

Thank you.

It feels good to be able to type this out without worrying it'll go back to her. I'll check out Galop. As I said before it might just be to do with money issues and she's taking it out on me and I'm worried I'm not pulling my weight enough anyway. Once I get a job it might be fine. It's only recently started to get this bad.

It is so not baby planning time, OP.
And everything vampire said. So, so true. I'd move heaven and earth to ensure my beloved partner would NEVER have to touch any sort of job that would encourage flashbacks of a traumatic rape. I can't believe she's not protecting you. Instead she's being a bitch. You poor soul. This isn't love.

I agree, this is not baby planning time. I don't want to bring a kid into this or sign a document that ties us together when it's like this.

Should she have to pay for everything though? I feel so, so, so guilty. I know I've been ill over the last couple of months with the anniversary but she said this morning that I'm lazy and taking advantage and what if that's true? I feel like it's true. Today has just been job application after job application. If people here also think this = me being lazy or taking advantage of her please please please tell me because I want to fix this.

The (lack of) support I've received re the survivor stuff has made me worry about IVF too as it'll be my eggs/body/etc and I'm worried about how she'd look after me if I had a miscarriage that meant a large amount of physical damage or something.

I can't believe I've literally just told my family about the wedding too. I've got nobody I can talk to here. The place I could go is in another country and I don't have the money to get there.

If it's bad now with money stress, just wait til you bring a newborn into it.

All couples will go through stressful situations together. Anyone can be happy and in love when there are no stressful circumstances. It is the true test and measure of a person and a relationship when times get tough. So think ahead. There are many more stressful times ahead. Is this the person you want on your team to get through those hard times?

You are not anyone's emotional punching bag.

She doesn't have any right to take that (or any other issues) out on you though. Try not to minimise or downplay her behaviour. Explain to Galop just as you did with us.

She also hasn't been helpful about your flashbacks, that's another thing, I would recommend rape crisis too, as another member did. They are really helpful (I experienced sexual abuse in childhood), I've been to them and they were so much better than NHS therapists.

Yeah, it can be really helpful to get things out just as you have done here, to get others' perspectives on things.

Actually, it was women's aid I first emailed about my ex and it was such a relief to be told I wasn't just being stupid.

She's used the words 'punching bag' to describe how I am to her. Even though I barely open my mouth because I'm scared what I say will be used against me or something. I don't know. Maybe I'm the abusive one?

I'll try rape crisis, thank you.

I agree, I haven't had the support I need.

Honestly I just need a hug and for someone to tell me that somehow it will get better and I will be fine.

What makes me so sad is that I feel like nobody has properly cared for or loved me apart from my gran. My mum is abusive. My ex was a rapist. My dad didn't want to know. My grandad is abusive. At times like this I think of my gran a lot because she really is the only person who I feel has showed me what love is.

Say I did leave.... what do I need to do to be safe about it?

I have three cats. The flat is joint but unfurnished and most of the furniture was originally mine, as is most of the 'stuff'. As I said my gran is the one person I could go to and she's in another country. We are renting.

When you're experiencing domestic abuse I think you're classed as homeless (not entirely sure for England and wales but I hope I'm right (it's the case in Scotland)), it's possible women's aid could help you (or if there's a local lgbt domestic abuse place near you), they could help get you re-housed.

Whose name in on your lease? (I ask this because it was only my name on ours and women's aid said because it was only in my name I could get the police to put her out .. and I did).

Both Galop and Women's aid would be able to help with safety planning, the main thing right now I would make sure you don't let her suspect you want to leave, and clear all browsing history online. Don't write things down that she may find regarding your plans etc. Main priority is absolutely that you keep safe while you are still there.

In terms of belongings, I think the best advice, again, would be from Galop or women's aid.

I got my ex put out and then the police accompanied her later to come and collect what was hers. I didn't have to see her, just put her stuff in boxes and she came and took it, the police made sure she only took what was hers.

Some domestic abuse services can help you find foster care for your cats while you get out of the situation.

It might sound overwhelming reading all that and yeah it was hard but I honestly was more scared to still have her living with me than what the future without her might be like. It's been over a year now and it gets easier. I was like you, no one ever really cared about me either and my ex seemed like the only one in the world who did.

I done it with just the help of women's aid, an lgbt counsellor, the police and galop's advice. It's not impossible.