Accepting that it’s over

[Thisneedstostop]

Why after a break up back in March, am I still missing him? He wasn’t an easy man to date and I never knew where I stood but I adored him. When he wanted me, he was amazing but he’d be distant with me at the drop of a hat. In time I became a shadow of who I used to be confidence wise. I never found out why he ended it, he just moved onto someone else without a further word.

I’ve kept busy, wrote letters (but not sent), exercised, read books but I still lust after him and want to be with him. How do I stop this endless cycle of wanting someone who no longer wants me?

Do you have any contact with him any more?

Basically you have to make sure he’s blocked everywhere including social media, never creep on his or his new partner’s profiles, get rid or lock away anything you own related to him (gifts etc). Then throw yourself into meeting new people, hobbies, work.

Three months isn’t that long, but if you’re not doing the above it’ll hold you back.

We aren’t in contact, he literally just walked out of my life without a word and I don’t know why. He isn’t on my Facebook or other social media so I can’t snoop on there. He is still on messenger and WhatsApp, he hasn’t blocked me and i can’t face blocking him.

I’ve thrown away gifts, significant underwear/clothing that had links to him and deleted all photos. I still have our conversations archived.

Nothing seems to help.

Block him on WhatsApp and delete everything you’ve archived.

Why keep correspondence between you and someone who treated you like shit? Whatever value you ascribe to it, is not there.

Your subconscious works with whatever you give it. At the moment you’re giving it “I need him in my life and that’s why I keep our conversations and cannot block him.” So your subconscious keeps on churning on with the ‘HE IS ALL’ bullshit.

Change the story.

It's very hard when someone just ups and leaves, I’ve had that done to me before and it was difficult to get my closure. It took time, but a man who is willing to just up and leave you is not someone you could ever trust to not do it again. You have to use that as your closure.

Did you like the way he treated you? Do you really miss the not knowing where you stand in the relationship?
You deserve someone who adores you in return

Hi op
Lots of sympathy
We will get there in the end
May I ask how long you were together for (even if it was on/ off)

You must still have his number if hes showing on WhatsApp.
Change his contact name to the most hurtful thing he said to you, that's what I did - it takes some of the wistful nostalgia out of it.

Bumbelina, it was a year with a break of a month when he disappeared. Notice a theme here ??? He refused to consider it a relationship yet told me that everyone else he’d dated had been his girlfriend by date two. He has a history of broken relationships and reverted back to being a player after a marriage breakdown.

Blondebakingmumma, I hated how anxious I felt yet couldn’t keep away. I was besotted. He’d promise the earth but never deliver.

That old worn our phrase.... time is the best healer!

Was with my ex 13 years and he ended it in September and I still miss him now, but nowhere near as much and I'm getting on with my life and starting to date again.

Its so hard to delete someone completely from your life who has been a bit part of it, you will get there, be patient with yourself.

Stormtreader, I’ve done the name thing. Thank you.

You may be thinking of the good things that were between you. You have to break that cycle.

Every time he pops up in your mind, force yourself to think of a time he treated you badly. Picture it in your mind and make the colours brighter etc

My ex was moody and would snarl when he was frustrated. When I think of a nice time...I try to remember that snarling face and how it felt. It does help

You need to block him. The very fact you ‘can’t face it’ is your reason to do it. Keeping him unblocked obviously has some emotions tied to it.

I find that when I have a break up it’s hard to move on leaving someone unblocked as part of me knows at any point they could message me and get through, and the flip side is I know that when there isn’t a message they haven’t sent one! So every day is a bit of a ‘waiting on a message’ if that makes sense? Even though I can’t win: if they send one it’ll set me back, them not sending one hurts in its own way.

Much better to take control and block. You know then no matter what he does or doesn’t do, you won’t get it. It’s amazing how much easier you’ll move on with your life safe in the knowledge that he’s blocked and whether he messages or not you won’t have a clue. Just do it. You’re only prolonging your own pain by leaving it open.

And ultimately, if he did decide to try and reach you he’d find a way. He knows where you live and work. He’d manage. But blocking just removes all of that stress of knowing he has or hasn’t messaged, when even if he did it’d probably be nonsense.

Wheelycote, thank you. He was actually lovely most times in person, attentive and utterly charming. I was on cloud nine when I was with him, literally I’d put him on such a pedestal that I felt as if I was floating on air.

Problem was in between seeing him. I’d take a gamble most days as to if he’d be interested in me or busy and vague as to his whereabouts. It left me feeling that it was me and that I needed to earn back being in his good books.

Lime cheesecake, yes. He has my address, work place, and could easily have got in touch. Had he wanted to.

I have struggled with a similar sutuation
I don’t want to hijack the thread by oversharing my experience. But it’s hard not to as I am so proud of you for keeping your dignity . Please keep it up. You will be so glad later on you did. I didn’t . I wish only now I had . I messaged, rang, begged, pleaded , hit the wine hard. I neglected my child, my career .

But these are my thoughts

It takes as long as it takes to get over somebody . It is stil early days for you and you are doing all the right stuff
A year is a long time. ..Ghosting somebody after a year is just cruel , It is
IT SAYS EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM , NOT YOU.

You don’t need to know why . You already do know. It is because he is a knob. Possibly damaged but so are many people .. Men and women .. and they behave decently.

My 4 year partner ghosted me ( we didn’t live together and were long distance so he could ) . 3 days after he asked me to marry him . 2 sets of children involved .my Ds lost all contact with his D.C. overnight .

He too had a history of broken relationships and a failed marriage . In fairness I obviously did too, else I wouldn’t have been single to meet him. However I am “ freindly “ with my exes .

I am sure it would be interesting to know the real reason why his marriage broke down
It’s possible he was a knob there also ( places bet at casino to pay for lovely holiday .. you are invited and paid fo

Telling you you aren’t his girlfriend ( after a year ) and that others were good enough to earn the prize status and title is disrespectful. How come they aren’t still around then these “ perfect maidens”

He doesn’t sound like he was good enough for you

I loved the poster who said his name in your phone
Do this op

I suspect you are beautiful, smart and great fun

Dealing with a similar situation. Our exes sound fairly similar. We haven’t been apart for as long as you and we’ve been back together again since we broke up in May. Wasn’t told were no longer together..... just decided to stop replying to me. The bottom line here is, some men (and I’m having to remind myself daily that not all) are wankers you’ll get there, that much I do know. We both will. Have you considered therapy? I’m trying to work on low self esteem and confidence and why I continue to attract and hang around too long, to absolute arse wipes x

Bumbelina, I’m sorry to hear your story. What a hurtful thing to happen.

I’m afraid I haven’t always kept my dignity, I messaged six times asking what was going on. All unread yet I see he is regularly online. I haven’t done that since the end of April. I’d like to try again to get answers but I won’t allow myself to contact again because it’d be ignored.

When I met him I felt good about myself. Confident. In fact when a previous online date turned out to be married I had no hesitation in messaging his wife with screen shots of our conversations then blocking him. I look tired and my speak has gone, I allowed him to take that away by not standing up for myself when he slowly and subtly put me down and played mind games.

Jenny1989, how long has he been silent for? I’m working on my self esteem. I know I’ll never allow myself to go through this again.

Thisneedstostop he’s been silent since last Friday. I asked him if this was it and he said ‘looks like it doesn’t it - out of nowhere’ and a thumbs up. I the poured out my heart to him, asked him to meet me to explain my anxiety to him. Nothing.... disgusting behaviour considering the only reason I hasn’t told him about my anxiety and hid it from him for 6 months because he was going through hell - which I held his hand through. My problems though? Too much x

I know since Friday doesn’t sound long we’d been together since January. The first time he shut me out in the cold for three weeks! Despite this I’m still heartbroken about this guy that I’m still convinced I won’t meet anyone, that I fancy as much....

Block them. Don't contact them in anyway, leave no way to contact you.
It's so hard I know so well. But it really helps fairly soon. I'm almost back to myself again.

They'll find a way to contact you later anyway, most likely. But as long as you are waiting for them to message and they don't or/and wait around for them you'll feel anxious and just can't think about anything else. When they do show up again and pretty surely will, you can choose again what to do. Or are already over it, and moved on to much better things.

I doubt mine will be in contact. I actually think he’s emotionless and cares only about himself. I have deleted the Snapchat app from my phone (was constantly watching one another’s snaps) and have now deleted his number from my phone. I’ve an appointment with a BWRT therapist on Monday. Never heard of this type of treatment before but I’m hopeful it will help with my self esteem and fears of forever being alone/putting up with shit because of that fear x

He sounds cold callous and mean OP. You deserve better than that

You've fallen in love with an idea of a person not a real person, the real person is the ghost which is why he's not there, he's in your head not real life. (putting the wine down now)

Oh I think he will be when he realizes you've taken back control for yourself. Exactly that - As he is selfish and only thinks of himself.
But that's secondary (what he'all do).
Block him/let it go, I swear, I promise it'll soon get easier after that.
You can always change your mind later (but prob won't and that's good)
And yea, Passingwords is right x