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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

There has been a terrible misunderstanding with DH, but do I really deserve to be treated like this?

164 replies

NotBurpeesAgain · 20/06/2018 07:32

In September last year I unexpectedly fell pregnant. I dreaded telling DH (he had always been adamant that 3 DCs were more than enough), but he was positive about it, saying that it would "at last bring some joy in this family".
I lost the baby in January, at 18 weeks. At the time, DH said a few horrible things that I try to forget (such as "how long do you think it is going to take for you to move on to something else?")

A couple of weeks later I told DH that I wanted to try for another baby, because I did not want our family story to end with a tiny coffin.
When we started having sex again, he did not use condoms a single time, so I though we were letting nature take its course and he wanted another child too. I got pregnant in late March.
In May, DH called me at work. He was incensed because he had been through my Amazon buying history and discovered I had bought pregnancy tests in February. He told me he never wanted another child, that I had tricked him.
He has not spoken to me since.
He refused to come to the scans.
I am not allowed to tell anyone, even my family, about the pregnancy.

I have been thinking a lot and I have recently realised that I cannot remember the last time he said something nice to me, smiled at me, or kissed me or even touched me except when he wanted sex.

I admit I should have talked to him more about having a fourth child, but can he really absolve himself from all responsibility in this pregnancy when he had sex without any form of birth control for several months?

OP posts:
AJPTaylor · 20/06/2018 07:35

really?
the mere fact that he has told you you cannot tell anyone about the pregnancy and you have complied suggests he is controlling you.
What in gods name are you doing with him?

Somersetter · 20/06/2018 07:37

Congratulations on your baby. How many weeks pregnant are you?

On the face of it it's hard to have much sympathy or understanding for your DH. But is it possible he's worried about telling everyone and then losing another baby? I really hope things improve for you both Flowers

NotBurpeesAgain · 20/06/2018 07:43

I am in my 15th week.
I am not even allowed to mention the pregnancy at home. I had blood tests yesterday and they have not put the results online, which suggests there might be a problem. I am sick with worry but I cannot talk about it with anyone.
Somersetter I would think the same if it was only about not mentioning the pregnancy until later. But he litterally had not spoken to me for 6 weeks. Sometimes when I ask him a direct question he will answer in a few words. Most of the time he shrugs, grunts, or just ignores me. He does not say goodbye when he goes to work (but will ostensibly say goodbye to the DCs).
Recently he has started refusing to eat the food I have made.

OP posts:
Footballmumofthefuture · 20/06/2018 07:43

Well he sounds delightful.
I would just start getting excited about it. He new the implications of not wearing a condom and still her chose not to.

Congratulations! Start telling people your exciting news momma.

Footballmumofthefuture · 20/06/2018 07:45

He is abusive.
Ask him to leave and do not do anything more for him. Only speak to him about the children. Be open about your pregnancy! You have nothing to be ashamed about and if I was you, I would tell your other DC the news of there other sibling. So they can get excited about it and so can You.

Footballmumofthefuture · 20/06/2018 07:45

He knew*

Pandora79 · 20/06/2018 07:46

How is he usually?

Did he think you were on contraception?

He is acting like a cunt. But if he is usually a decent man, I would suggest that this has something to do with grieving.

However, how is acting is not ok and needs to pursue some help. Grief is not an excuse for acting like he is.

Lonecatwithkitten · 20/06/2018 07:48

It strikes me he is creating a narrative to portray himself as the victim 'she tricky me into her getting pregnant'.
I would start preparing for a split info on bank accounts, pension etc.

NotBurpeesAgain · 20/06/2018 07:49

Pandora he did not think I was on contraception. He says I should have refused sex during my fertile window.
I don't know if he is grieving. He did not even mention the baby's due date last week.

OP posts:
MeanTangerine · 20/06/2018 07:49

What would happen if you announced your pregnancy to your family and friends?

cordeliavorkosigan · 20/06/2018 07:49

He sounds like a petulant controlling git. You have to tell people, you need to be able to.
Is this a situation where counselling is an option? If he is really controlling or abusive, joint counselling isn’t right. If not , would he do it? Are you thinking of leaving the marriage? If so, does he know that he could lose you over his behaviour?
Are you able to find time to sit down with him and talk?
Surely he knows this can’t continue!

StealthPolarBear · 20/06/2018 07:50

Are you in the UK?

RJnomore1 · 20/06/2018 07:51

My love you absolutely can talk to anyone you want about this pregnancy. He cannot dictate. And you need support from somewhere if he will not offer any.

What would you usually have used as contraception? Was it reasonable for him not to use condoms and just assume you were taking care of it ? (Answer: it wasn't but if that was how it worked in the past there may be some tiny reason for his shock; however as you fell pregnant previously with whatever you were using it's a pretty tiny reason)

He is being an absolute arsehole. I personally wouldn't want to continue to live with someone who could treat me like this when I was incredibly vulnerable. The fact it's been over an extended period of time is horrific and abusive.

Please talk to someone. Friend family or even your midwife. This isn't a misunderstanding. A misunderstanding is thinking the other has taken the washing out of the machine. This is cold calculated abd systematic abuse.

And congratulations on your pregnancy Flowers

DamsonGin · 20/06/2018 07:51

Congratulations. I don't know what's going on with him but you are allowed to be excited and tell people. Him being silent won't wish the baby away.

Question though, how often does he check your purchasing history? Does he pull you up on other stuff?

RJnomore1 · 20/06/2018 07:51

Oh and stop bloody cooking for him!

EveningHare · 20/06/2018 07:51

What an arse hole

Do you have an escape fund? If not start one

Fannybaws52 · 20/06/2018 07:52

Your children should be your priority now. This sorry excuse is giving you a taste of who he really is. He won't turn into a different man who suddenly remembers to love and cherish you and the new baby he knew he was creating.

It's time for you to gather your mama bear strength and remove this waste of space. Ask him to leave and see a solicitor about custody and spousal maintenance rights. Apply for single parent benefits ASAP and show your children that abusive relationships are wrong. Don't teach them to cling on in desperation. Teach them strength and determination by example.

PatriciaHolm · 20/06/2018 07:55

Given he said last year a baby "would at last bring some joy" it sounds as if your relationship has been bad for a while. Why would he say that? Has he been a controlling arse for a long time?

Why are you with him? He sounds utterly horrible. And a terrible role model for your children.

TwoGinScentedTears · 20/06/2018 07:55

Time to get your shit together and get the hell out of there. You know that, right?

NotBurpeesAgain · 20/06/2018 07:57

I am not in the UK.

If I try to sit down and talk, it always ends up with him listing everything that is wrong with me and everything I have ever done wrong (he stills brings up the time when I did not rinse the bath after giving DS his bath, 10 years ago). It used to really upset me, but now I play a sort of bingo in my head. When I try to answer his grievances and explain myself, he snarls "Yeah, you always have to be in the right" and leaves or orders me to go upstairs. Last time, I started to cry (pregnant and hormonal and everything) and he told me "Can you stop bawling, you're putting me off my food".

Ending the marriage has been on the back of my mind for a very long time, but I take my marriage vows very seriously and I would like to make things work.
I am afraid he could take the DCs to his home country to spite me (hiding the passports is not an option, he could get the DCs passports from his home country without any input from me).

OP posts:
colditz · 20/06/2018 07:58

You need to ring Womensaid, this shithead does not have the power you think he does

SandyY2K · 20/06/2018 07:58

I'm a bit confused about it. You told him you wanted to try for another baby after the miscarriage...so what's his problem?

Did you buy the pregnancy test ages ago before you discussed wanting another baby?

Regardless..he sounds horrible. I'd tell anyone I want about the baby and ask when he's filing for divorce. He's treating you awfully. Stand up for yourself.

NotBurpeesAgain · 20/06/2018 08:00

DamsonGin he has form for looking at my emails (even deleted ones) and he has mentioned things I have written on Mumsnet in the past - either he knows my user name or he uses a keylogger.

OP posts:
Sometimeitrains · 20/06/2018 08:01

You didnt trick him.
You had unprotected sex children result from it if he didnt want them he should have spoken up.
Grieving may be part of it if he wants to wait untill after 18 weeks but if he is saying non at all he is just being childish. At somepoint people are going to notice.
His insensitivity aside while you were grieving how was your relationship before the previous pregnancy?

SandyY2K · 20/06/2018 08:01

orders me to go upstairs

This is serious. You need help.