Dear all,
After 8 year of marriage and raising our two young wonderful kids my trust has been shattered and I feel very lost.
It started a few months ago after my wife who used to take an interest in what I did, kept in contact when I was away with work etc became distant and no longer had any opinions on what I did/say. She stopped chatting to me about her day and started to miss/ignore my calls/msgs.
It turns out she has been seeing someone else for the last few months. She started texting, then meeting up, going to gym together etc. I became aware of this when one morning she had left her phone in the kitchen and it flashed up with a saucy message from him as I was there. She was in bed still but I went up and confronted her, she immediately deleted the messages and everything on his name that I saw on the text. After a heated discussion she said it was just someone from the gym and it was nothing more than just someone to talk too. After this I was completely shocked, it was out of the blue for me. Also I didn’t believe her. However, she was really sorry, said nothing had happened and would never contact him again. She stated it made her realise how much she loves me and also she realised now how much I loved her, as I was so upset. All the right words were said. We got over it and moved on, I was very hurt but wanted us to be good again and to look after the kids.
However it turns out this was all lies from her. She still was messaging him and meeting up with him. Over the next few weeks she was meeting him in London and staying overnight (unknown to me, she says it was with another girlfriend but does admit meeting him there). She picked him up from the airport after his work trip and spent the afternoon with him. It turns out he is a married father of another child in the same class as one of our kids and they actually met at one of the class birthday parties. This all came out when she lied to her dad to babysit so she could go out and meet him and was caught out. She then said it wasn’t working between us and she wanted to separate. She started seeing a solicitor about this. She continued saying complete lies to me to try and hide her tracks.
But after her family became involved and we had some very heated discussions, she is now suddenly all repentant again, really sorry again, really loves me again. She still insists nothing happened but just someone to talk with. I know that can’t be the case, in all our years she never used any contraceptive but funny enough had a coil fitted a month ago, she told me at the time and gullible me believed it was for us (that is now gut wrenching for me).
In all this time, she was still saying nice things to me but in hindsight I feel she was just stringing me along. We had a lot going on in the last few years with serious family medical issues, a house renovation and a dispute with a neighbour. She says I didn’t help her when she was in the dark hole arising from all this and was pleading for help. I was focused on work/house and kids and readily admit I didn’t give her enough time and attention. I never stopped telling her I loved her but I blame myself on not picking up the signs of her distress with all the external issues we had going on.
We are still living together in the same house, she says she wants to move on with us and not talk about the past anymore. I want to, I love her so much, we have the most amazing kids, but my trust is shattered and suspect her lies and sudden switch from wanting separation to trying to make it work again is not genuine and its going to get worse again. I have told her I will make sure I give her time and attention going fwd, listen and act on her concerns. Now two weeks later she still seems to be trying to make it work with me but I just don't know. She has changed all her passwords and still on her phone at night. I want to say give me your phone to see what's going on but know that will cause hell. He is so close to home by being another class parent and so how can it ever stop! Can she really come back from this? I still don't know if I can. What are you thoughts? Thankyou so much as I don't have many people to talk to.