Help, my beautiful family is being ripped apart

[TroubledBroken]

Dear all,
After 8 year of marriage and raising our two young wonderful kids my trust has been shattered and I feel very lost.

It started a few months ago after my wife who used to take an interest in what I did, kept in contact when I was away with work etc became distant and no longer had any opinions on what I did/say. She stopped chatting to me about her day and started to miss/ignore my calls/msgs.

It turns out she has been seeing someone else for the last few months. She started texting, then meeting up, going to gym together etc. I became aware of this when one morning she had left her phone in the kitchen and it flashed up with a saucy message from him as I was there. She was in bed still but I went up and confronted her, she immediately deleted the messages and everything on his name that I saw on the text. After a heated discussion she said it was just someone from the gym and it was nothing more than just someone to talk too. After this I was completely shocked, it was out of the blue for me. Also I didn’t believe her. However, she was really sorry, said nothing had happened and would never contact him again. She stated it made her realise how much she loves me and also she realised now how much I loved her, as I was so upset. All the right words were said. We got over it and moved on, I was very hurt but wanted us to be good again and to look after the kids.

However it turns out this was all lies from her. She still was messaging him and meeting up with him. Over the next few weeks she was meeting him in London and staying overnight (unknown to me, she says it was with another girlfriend but does admit meeting him there). She picked him up from the airport after his work trip and spent the afternoon with him. It turns out he is a married father of another child in the same class as one of our kids and they actually met at one of the class birthday parties. This all came out when she lied to her dad to babysit so she could go out and meet him and was caught out. She then said it wasn’t working between us and she wanted to separate. She started seeing a solicitor about this. She continued saying complete lies to me to try and hide her tracks.
But after her family became involved and we had some very heated discussions, she is now suddenly all repentant again, really sorry again, really loves me again. She still insists nothing happened but just someone to talk with. I know that can’t be the case, in all our years she never used any contraceptive but funny enough had a coil fitted a month ago, she told me at the time and gullible me believed it was for us (that is now gut wrenching for me).

In all this time, she was still saying nice things to me but in hindsight I feel she was just stringing me along. We had a lot going on in the last few years with serious family medical issues, a house renovation and a dispute with a neighbour. She says I didn’t help her when she was in the dark hole arising from all this and was pleading for help. I was focused on work/house and kids and readily admit I didn’t give her enough time and attention. I never stopped telling her I loved her but I blame myself on not picking up the signs of her distress with all the external issues we had going on.

We are still living together in the same house, she says she wants to move on with us and not talk about the past anymore. I want to, I love her so much, we have the most amazing kids, but my trust is shattered and suspect her lies and sudden switch from wanting separation to trying to make it work again is not genuine and its going to get worse again. I have told her I will make sure I give her time and attention going fwd, listen and act on her concerns. Now two weeks later she still seems to be trying to make it work with me but I just don't know. She has changed all her passwords and still on her phone at night. I want to say give me your phone to see what's going on but know that will cause hell. He is so close to home by being another class parent and so how can it ever stop! Can she really come back from this? I still don't know if I can. What are you thoughts? Thankyou so much as I don't have many people to talk to.

Your poor poor children... they are going to have to deal with the outcome of this for the rest of their lives one way or another. I'm so sorry you have found yourself in this position. It sounds like her lies and deception are turning you into a shell of a man, and has totally destroyed your self belief and confidence. This has to stop now before any moe damage is done to you, or your children. Your wife has to leave and you need time to build yourself back up again without her. You sound like a loyal husband and good father, so please don't keep torturing yourself by trying to convince yourself to believe her lies. She has lied too much, the trust is gone, and I'm sure she would have left you if the OM was open to leaving his wife and family. She doesn't want to be alone, but I don't think she should get to keep you and her family as a consolation prize. You are worth more than that, and deserve to be happy and loved by someone who wants you, and only you. Personally I don't know if it's worth telling the wife of the OM as it will mean breaking up another family. But if you want to, and you think it might help you, then you should. Good luck

Sorry to say this but if she was going to break up with you and is now back and crying herself to sleep then it sounds like the OM has got cold feet and dumped her.

Thanks again.

I realise this is a bad situation. I do think there is a chance though she does sincerely regret her actions and has not fully thought through what life would be really like for our family if we did separate. She has shown a lot of tears and said sorry a lot. But then I agree she is upset as I found out and has been very defensive too. She really needs some straight talking but she wont give the full picture to her friends and so they think I shouldn't be to demanding. I have acknowledged my part in not ensuring she realised my love for her (this is a reason for her discretion she tells me) but can't accept it as a reason for not being fully transparent now.

I am going to demand more transparency and openness from her, inc the phone. I think I deserve that. She will argue that I am pushing her away by doing that but enough is enough in some areas and I think this is one of them. Maybe the end is coming but if it does it will be horrible trying to sort out the house, kids and school. I don't even know where to begin on that or of any obvious answers. Thankyou for your support.

Regarding the poor other wife, I am fairly confident nothing is going on at the moment so will wait and see how it goes for a short while? If I bump into him though I will let him know that I know as that will help put him off, or maybe not as then I am tackling this from the wrong end...

If you do see him you should definitely tell him in no uncertain terms to stay away from your family. You don’t have to say much but he’ll get the message.
Sounds like she’s worried about losing the life she knows and possibly the OM has no plans whatsoever to break up his family and has told her so. Be on the lookout too, she could be getting her ducks in a row and buying time with her own plans. She might have got advice from her family hence how she’s behaving now. Sorry your going through this OP. Be kind to yourself, you and the kids deserve better.

Do you know what she wanted from this affair? Was it a bit of fun because she felt neglected? Or did she see him leaving his family and them both having a future together? Do you think she would go tomorrow if he left his wife?
If she has said this was a mistake and she regrets it as she realises what a fool she's been, you may be able to get past this. On the other hand because she still carried on seeing him once the affair came to light, I suspect you have a very bumpy road ahead.
Trust takes years to build, seconds to break and forever to repair.

I understand how you feel. I have had a similar experience. My husband had emotional affair and kiss - this is what I know for sure - but they still work together and are good friends!
I have a thread about it on here.
I hope you are ok but it is so painful. I can identify with so much that you say.

OP so sorry you are going through this. One of my best friend's divorce is almost final after going through the same experience, except in her case she was the wife and her husband was cheating.

I think the bottom line is if your wife is truly sorry, truly repentant and wants to stay married she has to show you that she is willing and able to give you 100%. You can't just pick up and continue as before however. A bomb just went off in the middle of your relationship and it will have to be reconfigured in a way that makes it bomb proof for the future. You have to insist on absolute openess and honesty. Your trust has been shattered and she should want to do whatever it takes to start to rebuild that trust.

If she is being shifty and secretive and gets self-righteous and angry when you ask for what you need that is reasonable - openly showing you all her social media and phone call records for example, without you needing to constantly ask or check - then it doesn't display a desire and eagerness to repair your relationship.

You should take some time to think very seriously about what you really want, and the changes you need that would enable you to stay in your marriage. It should be 50/50 she should not be dictating what your marriage will look like from now on if that is not what you want. Don't let her blame you for what she chose to do, especially from this point on. If she keeps blaming then it sounds like she is still justifying an ongoing attachment to the other man.

In my friend's case her husband left and she let him go once she discovered the extent of his lies. She is building a new life, the first year was hell because of the extent of his betrayal but her self-confidence and self-respect is now growing in leaps and bounds.

Her husband found once she rejected him that he no longer seemed such a great prize to the OW and she did not want to move in with him or get married. I think they are still together but the OW is keeping her options open and seeing other people.

Try and discover what do YOU really want?

I think she's getting off lightly on this thread compared to what we'd be saying to her if you'd had the affair - LTB. She's shown you who she is twice now. She doesn't deserve any more chances or your efforts to put things right. The OM would be welcome to her - but could he ever trust her? Not your problem. All you can do is to try to make it as easy as possible on your DCs - they deserve your concern and attention, your wife doesn't.

Hello all,

I though I would come back and update you on what's happened since the June postings on this. First though just want to say thanks again to everyone who responded, really really appreciated.

Now in Aug, I think the truth has finally come out. Yes she met him in April, they starting meeting in May, yes that night in London they stayed and slept together (you were all right!), they have been out for meals in the London and pubs out quite a few times but only snogs happened (apparently). On the phone and msgs all the time and so many lies. This all continued up to when I posted above in June, despite thinking we had resolved this in May and a second time in June. In my last post I thought we had a chance and things had stopped.

So things were slowly getting better, with all the rights things again being said from her. Later in June I crossed paths with the other man at a school event and so I purely told him to keep away and stop destroying our families. She was very supportive of this and saw it as drawing a line and moving forward. However it turns out she even texted him just afterwards that day and they had been in contact all the time with calls/msgs. After another bust up she again really sorry, really loved me and became completely open with her phone and whereabouts. I was shocked about how she could be so two faced. I should have left then but didn't.

Throughout July she kept telling me how much she loved me and I was the only one and so sorry.... We carried on, started to spend more time together, including going to a wedding and days out with the kids, she telling me how much she loved these days.

However, during this time, she had now purchased a second £10 payg mobile and used this to get him to call her. So contact carried on! Loads of phone calls but looks like no meet ups. And end of July, he popped by during work lunch break and they went for a drive and snog. That night she saw a girlfriend in London and she invited him along. So another snog that night but thankfully the friend stopped anything else. Even more phone calls in August. Again during all this, she was completely into me, saying she loved me, wanted the family together and will keep doing anything to make this work.

How can someone be so two faced!!! I just cannot believe she is capable of the lies and the complete deception that she has maintained! Why? She must know she can't have both so why keep going?! 4 months of mental torture and anguish for me, she must realise how nasty she has been to me?

This has being going on since April now, she obviously has strong feelings for him considering the lengths she has gone too. So another bust up, she has now come clean and has told me everything (apparently). She is desperate to stay with me, kneeling at my feet stuff. I can't stay now, really worried about the kids. Thanks again everyone.

So sorry mate. Nothing else I can say really.

From your story it is clear she has had a physical relationship with him. Not sure there is any going back after that.

You deserve better and I think you should leave her and move on.

Sorry Troubled. Sounds like you have been going through hell. Don't see how you can possibly rebuild trust after this. You deserve better. Hope it comes right for you and the kids eventually but it's clearly going to be a tough road. Hope you have friends and family who can support you - think it's time people knew the truth.

Just asking for some advice please a relative’s son has got into some trouble recently with the police and getting involved with the wrong crowd etc, so much so it resulted in him being put in hospital he is a teenager! there is a afternoon arranged for the kids to meet up where he will be there and I have concerns, I have flagged up to those concerned that I am worried for my child to be in his presence he is a bad Influence and I also don’t want my child to be out and about with this particular child in case there are any issues or any altercations, I have now been called all sorts of names and labelled the bad guy etc when in actual fact I am merely safe guarding my child - please can you advise if you feel I am in the wrong or the right on this, my instinct tells me I am right

Really sorry, this sounds awful.

Here's something you may find useful.

I’m going to suggest the following.
You love your wife, right? That’s what you say you do. So, you want the best for her? You want her happiness?
OK – let her have it. Let her have her “happiness” because something tells me once she has what she wants it will turn out to be something else she really wanted.

Tell your wife that you love her to bits. Tell her you love her so much that you don’t want to impede her ability to be happy. You love her so much you can’t even contemplate sharing her. That if she loves someone else more than you then you accept that you have lost and your love for her will let you accept that you two are no longer a couple.

She is totally free to be with OM. You are happy that she is happy. Only – she can’t do so as your wife.

You are OK with that decision. You realise that a relationship can’t be healthy if one is more into it than the other. It’s not what you want, but it’s what it is. You can’t make her stop seeing OM, and you can’t accept sharing.

And then YOU start whatever is needed to get out of infidelity.
That includes all actions needed to start the formal dissolution of your marriage. It includes detaching. It includes stopping doing things as a couple. It includes not making expectations to her on things that couples expect of each other: No sex, you don’t make her dinner, she doesn’t do your laundry… You simply start detaching.

Read up on the 180. It’s all about detaching.

healinginfidelity.blogspot.co.uk/2014/03/the-180-for-hurt-spouses.html?m=1

I think as she is the cheater she should be the one to go. Why should you leave your home and have all the practical problems that that entails when you have done nothing wrong?

Thanks Sandy, good advice and timing for that now.

Your words are really sending the pain you're in. Sadly I don't have any advice, but you don't deserve to be treated like this and she doesn't deserve you.

It sounds so difficult, I really feel for you op. Sadly, as much as you love her, you can never trust this woman again. I hope you find the strength to let her go, it won't be easy but you deserve better.

Thankyou, I know your words are true but so painful to accept and act on

My heart goes out to you. It's possible to move on from infidelity but only with honesty and transparency.

I don't believe for one single second that your wife has only slept with this man once. It is categorically untrue. She is continuing to lie to you and take you for a fool. That's not how you treat someone you love and respect. Now it's time to love and respect yourself enough to tell her you deserve better than her.

You need to end this. No marriage can recover from so many lies, a long affair and a spouse that won’t take full responsibility for behaving like a selfish arsehole. Start accepting that no matter how much you loved your wife, she doesn’t feel the same. She sounds like a very manipulative person and I expect she will beg you to change your mind. Be prepared for lots of mind games including threats to stop you seeing the children. Make sure you have a good lawyer who will ensure that you are treated fairly.

It’s heartbreaking to face the end of a long relationship but you will get over it and move on. Your priority has to be the children’s well-being and sorting out practical arrangements. You deserve much better than this cheating, lying, deceitful scumbag of a woman.

"but only snogs happened"

If by snogging you mean he had sex with her, sure. Divorce her. I don't think she's a terrible person, she's just in the grip of some very powerful new love emotions. If she does stick with her, she'll be checked out of the relationship and craving those emotions the whole time she's with you, either with this man or someone else.

Thankyou, yes that's true. She will never I think be able to truthfully say nothing will ever happen again. He is so close and her emotions so attached it is bound to reoccur at some point.....

If she was truly sorry she would give you full access to her phones and computer.Dump her.

I’m sorry the hear how things turned out.

Consider this. Even if she now detached from this om and extracted herself from this extra marital affair, how can you trust her going forward not to do this again? With someone else? Every time she went to a friend or stayed out overnight, you’d have a little question in the back of your mind.

I think you know what you need to do, for your sake and your children.

Finally, does the other wife know yet? It may be time to contact her.

Best of luck, mate.