My daughter is over weight and I'm struggling...

[Bubblesandcake]

....with how to deal with it.
I'm a single mum so don't have the support from her father. My dd is 13 and weighs 12 stone. She is about 5'4 so quite tall for her age.
I implemented a more healthy way of eating about 3 months ago, hoping she would enjoy the changes. She is so so fussy. I am at my wits end. She is a very emotional/snappy child so trying to change bad habits is difficult.
Likes - sugary cereal, crisps, bread, chicken burgers or nuggets, hot dogs, cheese
Dislikes - almost everything - potatoes, pasta, veg, salad, healthy cereal...the list goes on. She won't try any of it and gets angry at me.
I got her to join the gym with me. She won't go anymore. It's boring apparently. She won't go swimming or walking with me.
She really doesn't care about herself. I try and say it's not healthy the way she eats. If I tell her no she has a complete melt down. I'm exhausted by it. I need help. I was thinking about going to see a doctor?
Do I force her to the gym? Swimming? I try to make it fun and offer tennis or rounders but she just will not join in.

Thee thing about sugary stuff or salty stuff like crisps is that they are a pleasure to eat.
Who can eat a few crisps or half a choc biscuit. Dd will eat this as it’s pleasurable not because she is hungry. I would say don’t buy them much though personally completely banning chocolate would make me crave it terribly. And if dhe normally eats it regularly she’ll struggle to go without entirely.
You could try buying more boring snacks - plain unsalted nuts, rich tea biscs or similar less sweet stuff. Her diet sounds bad enough to cause moodiness , just carbs and sugar is not good.
What a out you and rest of family having a fit summer - more exercise less junk foods. I don’t see the need for all new recipes and fat spray, just less sugar and junk food like crisps. You can’t expect her to be deprived of her fav things if the rest of the family are eating them.

" she doesn't really care about herself" Thats the important bit. Its not about cheese strings.

I can only sympathise. I have a dd who loves her food and is always hungry. She’s slightly overweight. We don’t have much crap in the house. But she just eats cereal/toast/fruit/cheese all the time. She never seems to get full. I give her nuts instead of sugary stuff, but she’d eat the entire bag if l didn’t take them away.

I think there is very very little help for children with large appetites. It just makes you feel guilty even though you try so hard to help. It is quite complex. My dd is always hungry,but also was a very difficult toddler,child and tween. She also has bad anxiety which contributes to her difficult behaviour. So lm fighting on several fronts, and food often falls to the bottom of the list.

I try to have sugary stuff in moderation, so it’s not totally forbidden. But it’s bloody hard work, and if that’s not available she will eat large quantities of whatever is. Jam on toast (we had to hide the jam) then honey. She’ll even eat spoons of sugar. We can’t anticipate and hide everything. It’s a bloody nightmare. She’s nearly 12 and 5ft 5 (born tall)

Do you have any friends with similar aged DDs she gets on with? Just wondered if did something like Zumba or couch to 5km as a group with one of her friends as well it might make it more appealing? There are a few teens to come to the Zumba class I go to with their mums and have a great time.

It's all about having a calorie deficit. This can be done by eating less and also exercise. Please don't listen to poor advice like 'potatoes are quite unhealthy'. Absolute nonsense.

I'd ignore the macdonalds with her dad OP, it's a bit of a red herring - one or two 'bad' things a week make no difference if she's eating well, just like the occasional stick of celery does nothing for someone eating macdonalds 24/7

Is she drinking enough? It's very easy to misinterpret thirst as hunger, and a hard habit to break and retrain your body - try upping her fluid intake though.

Agree it is about calorie deficit
It is also understanding that you have to feel a bit hungry in order to lose weight. If you cannot cope with the feeling of hunger then losing weight is going to be really difficult.

What does she want to do?

It's not 100% clear. Has she said that she is happy with how things are, doesn't want to lose weight, change her activity levels of diet?

There isn't much point avoiding the conversation. She knows what you're thinking as it sounds like this has been going on for a while (unsuccessfully). Now is the time to have an honest conversation. But the honesty on your part (IMO) should be that you're sorry that maybe you have been trying to shove her in a certain direction, and that you would like to work with her from now on to her goals. At 13 she may actually have some good insights into what is going "wrong" for her, and how you might be able to help her.

Also, just as a very personal thing- don't ignore her if she suggests even one little thing you can help her with. When I was in school my mum had a similar conversation with me. I asked her to stop buying crisps and chocolate, because I didnt have the self control (which I now understand is normal for a young person- to lack that self control/inhibition). She carried on buying them because my siblings liked them, and because she liked them. None of them had a problem with binge eating/overeating (like me). It completely undermined the process and made me feel like she was sabotaging me. I would be so frustrated with myself at night, after another binge on all the foods I wouldn't have been buying for myself with my pocket money (because I didn't want to be overweight!) but which late at night were "waiting" for me in the kitchen.

Are you or were you overweight? If you are, then it's easier to frame things about trying to improve things for yourself, and just admitting that you've been setting a bad example. If you were, you can still say you know you set a bad example, and you're trying your best to help the family make better choices for the long term. If you are overweight, the single best thing you can do, is to just set a positive example. Evidence is that just telling children what they should do is almost completely ineffective. Even parents who hide their "bad" eating from their kids have the same problem. Doing it, is much much much more effective.

This is totally exhausting, I do understand.

The only thing you can really do is completely stop buying all junk food. Hide some in your room if you want to eat it yourself but don’t have any at all available to her at home.

The other thing 3 things I just wanted to suggest was getting her thyroid checked and also maybe starting her on movicol if she is constipated. (If she is blocked up long term then she will not know if she is hungry or nauseous.)
And the last thing is to get her to drink more water, even if you have to bribe her to do it. Sometimes she might think she is hungry and is thirsty.

I’m sorry you are going through this, it’s so stressful, I hope you get some good advice here. Best wishes x

She is a child. It's not hard. Stop buying all snacks (overweight people shouldn't be snacking). Only cook healthy food and only have healthy food in the house. If over eating toast is a problem stop buying bread. Give her a healthy packed lunch and don't give her any money. If she doesn't like it then she can just not eat. She clearly doesn't need to. I would also reccomend consulting a dietitian or nutritionist just to make sure you have it right.

I was a fat child myself. The li fest thing you can do at this point if force her to loose weight before it is too late. I lost a lot of weight around your daughters age. I am perfectly healthy now. Have never been fat since actually (exempting the aftermath of two pregnancies in quick succession but that was still within healthy bmi and only for six months). Once she looses weight the typical teenage Ed vanity should kick in enough for her to want to sustain a healthy size.

I have no DC but I noticed you say about what can you replace certain food with. I think part of the issue is whether she should be eating or not. My mum does this 'I can have two of those and it's still less calories than this other thing' and I just say but Mum, are you ACTUALLY hungry? I do it too, I want to eat but I'm not hungry. I find if I eat later at night I get hungry earlier, and if I eat in the night that also therefore means I'm starving in the morning. I could quite easily end up overweight because I like eating and have a desk job so am prone to being inactive these days, and it's the frequency of food I watch the most.

If you need to have some snacks, I would try to introduce unsalted almonds or other nuts. They are very calorific but full of protein and nutritious.

I think at this point getting her into healthy food should be the priority. The weight loss will follow

Get a locked cabinet for alll treats and only have fruit and veg around to snack on but monitor it so you know what she is eating so shop less often and monitor everything . Stay clear of bananas as they can be calorific if she eats two or three .
I have been slightly overweight my whole adult life and I've made a point of teaching my dc good eating habits and rules . I turned their palettes early on to enjoy healthy snacks so I guess it's too late for all that but I agree she will eat them eventually if there is nothing else .
It must be awful being 12 stone among the teens 😩

I think it I’ll be very difficult to change her diet now she’s used to sugary cereal, crisps, nuggets etc without her being on board with it. It would have been easier not to have eaten them to start with - but you can certainly try not stocking them now. So bill it as your new healthy regime for yourself.

I think it’s probably not a good idea to put too much emphasis on it now in case she ends up with an ED. I would be inclined to not stress about it too much and when she’s older she might choose to slim down herself.

I do think you need to get her weaned off junk just for her health.

Does she engage in cooking? If not I would perhaps book a cooking course for you both to do as a fun thing. It does not need to be a specific healthy cooking course. In fact I would say that might be counter productive.
So something like making pasta from scratch or Indian food. Something that’s unique and nothing to do with calories and weight. It might make her more interested in food. And get her away from junk.

Can you find things that make her feel good that aren’t eating, eg nice bath smellies, fruity teas to taste etc? And other things to comfort her if she’s down? So much about eating is about emotion.

Hi op, my ds is 15 and has been very overweight for years. There are underlying reasons for some of this and the other issue was me, I simply didn't realise how much food he was eating, embarrassed and ashamed believe me.

We joined slimming world together, he is a
Young member so the plan is slightly different and the word "diet" is not used.

Young members are from 12-16 and receive so much support.
My fussy boy is now eating things I had only dreamed of and since February he has lost 3 stones 3 pounds. He looks amazing.

Very best of luck to you and your dd

You don’t need to be telling her about her weight at 13, it’s best to do things on the sly. Stop buying these bad snacks. Pack her a healthy school lunch and don’t give her change for school snacks. Cook what YOU think is right, she can decide to eat it or not. She might well starve for a few days before giving in but it won’t do her any harm. If she complains about being hungry then keep a constant supply of fruit/ raisins /nuts. If she dislikes and complains then tell her she can decide what shopping is bought when she has her own home.

I’m speaking as a very fussy eater and what my mum did with me. When nothing else was in the house I caved because I really had no other choice!

I think you’re a wonderful mum; I have a similar situation with my DD, I have just tried to educate her on what is in the food she eats and what it does to her body - but it’s a long road. i think generally people can eat for phsycological reasons and your DD does sound like she’s finding life quite hard at the moment. I would keep on doing what you’re doing 1:1 time will be invaluable.

I've just thought of another thing. Perhaps a good time to start would be, if you go away for a week, as a family, then. You'll be eating meals as a family, I presume. You can just not buy the snacks. From there just make sure you've plenty of activities planned and the meals you all eat are healthy.

I agree with Petropump and advise you explore why she’s overeating eating and doesn’t care about herself. I suspect she is using food to blank feelings. I’d try a love bomb weekend just you and her to see if she’ll will open up to you or if not maybe get a relative or teacher who she likes and trusts.

I’d just completely stop buying snacks and or much bread or sugary cereal. I’d also not buy jam etc.
Do you bulk buy? Is it possible to buy smaller quantities of high cal items such as cheese. I know that might be possible.

I think a weekend macdonalds might be ok but depends how much other food she has.

I don’t know if it makes that much difference if you find out why she is eating. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Also, if you give her a ‘reason’ why she overeats then she might be less likely to take responsibility for her overeating.

I’d suggest stop focusing on food, weight and shape and look at her life more holistically. Does she feel accepted for who she is? Have enough friends? Fulfilling hobbies? One on one time with you? Once these are all in place and she is living an enjoyable, meaningful life I suspect she will stop overeating and her weight will normalise.

Many kids that age naturally go through a chubby stage. I recommend that you get rid of most unhealthy food and make large filling and tasty meals. Start doing more walking together or swimming or cycling or badminton. Lead by example too - make sure you exercise and eat healthily.