My daughter is over weight and I'm struggling...

[Bubblesandcake]

....with how to deal with it.
I'm a single mum so don't have the support from her father. My dd is 13 and weighs 12 stone. She is about 5'4 so quite tall for her age.
I implemented a more healthy way of eating about 3 months ago, hoping she would enjoy the changes. She is so so fussy. I am at my wits end. She is a very emotional/snappy child so trying to change bad habits is difficult.
Likes - sugary cereal, crisps, bread, chicken burgers or nuggets, hot dogs, cheese
Dislikes - almost everything - potatoes, pasta, veg, salad, healthy cereal...the list goes on. She won't try any of it and gets angry at me.
I got her to join the gym with me. She won't go anymore. It's boring apparently. She won't go swimming or walking with me.
She really doesn't care about herself. I try and say it's not healthy the way she eats. If I tell her no she has a complete melt down. I'm exhausted by it. I need help. I was thinking about going to see a doctor?
Do I force her to the gym? Swimming? I try to make it fun and offer tennis or rounders but she just will not join in.

I completely agree that I wouldn’t come down really hard on her. One of the hardest parts of my childhood was my mum talking to me about my weight. As an adult I o ow she did this out of love and concern, even as a child I knew this rationally but I already felt really bad about myself and I couldn’t help but feel she would love me more if I was skinny.

I think making healthier versions of her fave foods is a fab idea. Would she be interested in learning to cook, helping with food prep? Sometimes this really helps with awareness around food and willingness to try.

Also in the hot weather a good snack is ice lollies made from squash or fruit juice. These feel like a treat like ice cream but obviously are very low calorie.

My DD was a very overweight youngster. When she got to 6th form, she just decided of her own accord to loose it, she has kept it off.
Something's you can do
Stop buying sugary cereal full stop. Make porridge, fruit or a small omelette for breakfast only.
Stop buying any fast snacks, fruit juice drinks, fizzy drinks, biscuits, crisps or desserts.
Get small yoghurt lollies not ice cream.
Have a fruit bowl on the table.
Just serve a nice healthy dinner and reduce the carbs a little. No dessert just fruit.
At 13 you can at least control her money spend a little which could help. She can loose that weight to 10 stone or so within a few months without starving and being miserable.

Slimming world has a kids programme you can follow. I would stop buying treats in (or hide them if you have to have them), stop making unhealthy meals and have a eat or starve policy. I’d also be doing pack lunch for school and not giving money/topping up parentpay. Find something she enjoys exercise wise, hula hoops and Zumba are all the rage at the minute!

I’d stop buying the sugary cereal and the crisps. If she’s only home for 45 mins, could she have a banana and a glass of milk? If her diet is so poor, I’d recommend giving her a vitamin d and calcium supplement each day too.

Could you get her to cook as well? This might get her a bit more interested in what she’s eating. The Usborne Beginner’s Cookbook is a good one. You could ask her to cook a meal once a week for both of you, whatever she chooses, or offer to cook one together.

Does she do any activities out of school, or after school clubs at all over the summer? How about asking her to try Raverfit or Zumba with you. There might be a soft ball festival you could both try too. Would she try Scouts?

I agree with the pp suggestion of trying healthier versions of her favourites too.

There’s absolutely no need for her to have lucozade either. It might be worth looking up the nutritional content and then having a chat with her about how much of her recommended daily intake of calories, sugar and carbs that would be, without judgement, if you can manage it

Try to guide her, just don't make her feel shit about herself (past experience). My mom didn't let up, I'm nearly 50 now, but god did she go on and on about how fat I was. I look back now and, at a specific time when she was particularly obsessive, I honestly wasn't even that fat, I wasn't skinny, but I wasn't fat either.

I've had a weight problem in my adult life, but she knows to keep it zipped now I've grown up enough to talk to her about it sensibly.

Is it her fault I'm overweight, no, it's mine. But when I was your daughters age, it was lucky I was an outgoing person, because she could have easily crushed my self esteem to shreds.

Just guide her, make healthy meals, don't buy crap and go for lots of walks as a family. I found with my kids, they had a stage of chubbyness in their teens, they really are skinny now.

I was a fussy (overweight) eater as a teen. My mum always did her best to present me with healthy options I would eat, but the problem with this age is that she will only have more and more independence to buy and eat crap.

I only started to improve when I started taking an interest in cooking for myself after leaving home (after uni years of chicken nuggets and beans on toast). In many ways I wish my mum had got me more involved when I was younger.

If she is very fussy you need to take it slow with her and follow her lead on what she's interested in trying. Ideally try and give her (and any appropriately aged siblings) responsibility for planning and cooking dinner once a week - maybe with rules: must have 3 portions of veg, use MyFitnessPal to determine whether it hits protein goals (and this will show fat/sugar content and how these compare to what she actually needs to eat).

I know giving her even more control may seem counter-productive, but it will allow a 'safe' space for her to try new foods - if she doesn't like it, she doesn't need to be embarrassed or worry about offending the chef!

Please please stop blaming her (she's 13! She's learn from whats available at home).

She will be picking up that you dont think shes good enough unless shes slim. Please dont so slimming world with her or draw lota of attention to it. I have an eating disorder and in grpups (both anorexic and binge eaters) its amazing hiw often the fact that "mum put me on a diet" and the shame around that leads to eating disordera later in life. Yes she might lose weight now, but at what cost?

Honestly I'd focus on making lovely healthy meals at home. Find out what she likes experiment together but make it a together thing not a "were doing this because you need to lose weight. " most of her nutrition comes from what you provide..

Find some exercise she enjoys. Not a shaming "i have to go with mum" but something fun - trampoline park, family walks. active holiday clubs in the summer.

Coping mechanisms - other ways to deal with emotions or boredom.

Do lots of fun stuff that isnt food related at all. Your intention wont be to shame or tell her shes not good enough but thats so often the underlying message picked up.

Dont focus on the food. Look at the behaviours around it. Are you thirsty? What are you hungry for? Talk about having whatever you like at dinner but recognising when were full. But in general. Say its something youre all working on.

Dont completely forbid anythiing. Remember how much people crave anything forbidden. Just do sweets at the weekend/whatever frequency is a bit less./ stodgy puddings a bit less. Sometimes if you know you can have x it makea the craving less.

Id completely take a step back though so she doesn't go through teens feeling unsupported and that food is the answer. How you deal with it is SO important as it honeatly can lead ao easily to an eating disorder.

There is an app called nutracheck which you may find useful,especially the scanning function.

After a week or so users will be amazed at how quickly and easily you can meet and exceed your recommended daily calorie intake which i believe is about 2000 for women and 2500 for men.

There is also a totally 100% free non app version here..
www.nhs.uk/Tools/Pages/Calorie-checker.aspx

Reading back it looks like I am focussing too much on the fussy eating, but honestly when I was restricted to beige food none of it was any good for me. Realising that healthy food which I could make myself can actually be far more delicious was a huge turning point for me and my health.

Please dont get her calorie counting at 13 :(

Yes to getting her cooking some of her own meals though. A kids cookbook and letting her choose and helping gwt ingredients etc is a fab idea.

Right I have now written three replies and the app keeps crashing!

Excercise, there is a lot of evidence to say that teenage girls do not do enough exercise even if they were active children, it just isn't cool. I still haven't found an exercise I actually enjoy, keep trying with that and lead by example.

Exercise is not very effective at controlling weight changes to your diet will be.

Slimming world does have a teen programme which is free for the teen with an accompanying paying adult. If you also wanted to lose weight and didn't mind/ can afford to pay the weekly fee then this could be an option. The focus for teens is very much on making healthy choices. Equally however my DDs have had to sit through enough groups with me and even though I think they are not listening it is surprising how much they are taking in about making good food choices. They do also then point out to me when I am not making the best choices and I am doing my best to lead by example.

Finally there is an NHS BMI calculator, the calculation is different for children but if you think it would be helpful then at least the information that your DD is overweight has come from an anonymous website and not you. Use this with care though because I think a positive self image is more important to being successful in being a healthy weight.

There are lots of things you can do. The change for life website has lots of useful information in child friendly speak. You don't have to change everything at once but small changes will all add up. Start and good luck.

someone will have to count those calories and monitor intake because the larger part of weight loss is to do with what you put in your mouth. Flogging round the street in a sweat and clutching a water bottle isnt going to cut it.

I would say ‘you’ve got a lovely figure but you are eating too much sugar and not enough of the good stuff and that won’t be good for your health or your weight as an adult. I don’t want you to eat less, but I want you to learn how to eat a better balance, and for that reason I am going to stop buying xyz’. (And, I’m sorry if your friends don’t eat well, because it would be better for them, but its you I am responsible for).

Breakfast options possibly - weetabix/porridge with fruit topping, wholemeal toast with peanut butter, sliced apple and yoghurt/peanut butter, egg on wholemeal toast, smoothie (let her suggest options, just don’t let her continue the sugary route)
Your lunch sounds fine
Home cooked tea and figure out some snack options - try to include milk/cheese/yoghurt three portions a day for calcium, and plenty of protein.

I wouldn't turn food into a constant battle as generally it just make kids more stubborn and resistant to any kind of help plus result in a lifetime of yo yo dieting or weight obsession (me!).

As others have mentioned, try making home versions of burgers or buy the best quality ones you can afford. Would she accept the odd vegetarian burger now and again. Brown bread or buns. If she's less fussy about drinks, offer only water. Concentrate on this first and don't worry about exercise. Hopefully she does some at school. Carry on going to the gym yourself and setting a good example. Turn on some music and dance around the house. Hopefully she will eventually follow suit! Good luck to both of you

Can you dress up healthy eating as 'Trendy meals' by using pinterest for inspiration? e.g Buddha Bowls and so on

I would try very hard not to mention weight, diet, or even healthy eating. Try and up the nutrition in the meals you cook at home, so she is getting lots of vitamins and protein (often growing teenagers need more protein than they eat); and then do as many positive nice things as you can- go and get your nails/ toenails done, go to the cinema, go to the beach, whatever she might see as a treat, so she feels happy and confident (and busy happy children are less likely to comfort eat).

Good “treat but healthier” breakfasts might be things like French toast with strawberries and a tiny sprinkle of icing sugar, omelette if she likes them, bacon and egg. If she isn’t good with veggies would she eat carrot aticks, cucumber etc with salsa or hummus as a starter/ snack? Those little chicken stick things are ££ but a “treat” looking snack. Ham and pastrami also good as snack food. Good luck

I just want to re-iterate that I wasn't suggesting doing slimming world with her - just looking at their recipes for ideas - they have snack ideas too.

Remember it’s normal for girls to gain a stone or two at the onset of puberty , this should be normalised in society it’s a really fragile time for body image . Buy healthy foods and encourage her to walk more .

She tells me it's not enough. Others eat more.

Then she thinks she should have a Lucozade as all the girls do. They do, I have seen them.

As you've already identified, she is not doing enough exercise, which I think is a huge factor. Other girls might eat more in one sitting, but they burn it off by exercising and they probably don't raid the cupboards when family members are asleep to snack either so their overall calorie intake is less. Your dd is fooling herself as she wants an excuse to eat.

First thing is stop buying empty calorie foods; sweets, crisps, biscuits, cheese strings, sugary cereal, chocolate etc. If it is not there in the house, she can't eat it.

Look on the internet for recipes for family favourite dishes that can be made less calorific. For example, the Hairy Bikers did an amazing lasagne dish that used sheets of leeks instead of sheets of pasta. There is a lot of info out there on how to decrease calories in dishes without the family noticing.

Does she have a favourite pop star or movie star? Might be worth looking into that individual and see if you can use them to motivate her. "Look Rihanna says she loves going to the gym and watches her IPad to make it less boring."

Good luck.

@ichifanny yes, it’s normal to gain some weight before puberty but 12 stone at 5’4 isn’t just a little bit of extra weight. I’m 12st at 5’8 and a size 14/16 and definitely overweight.

Forgot to ask about screentime and sleep. Is she having too much screen time and not enough sleep? Both are linked to children being overweight. Most teens need between 8 and 10 hours of undiaturbed sleep.

I agree that’s she’s deluding herself about the other girls calorie intake. She may also be using the fact that you and her DF have split up as an excuse but that won’t make it any less real for her. Could she be depressed? Is there someone she could talk to about the breakup and how she feels? Has she got any other coping strategies other than eating? Things that help me are going for s walk, even if it’s just a mile or so, yoga and guided meditation but she needs to find things that help her.

My DH is also overweight and very exercise resistant, I’ve just got to the point where I say “come on, we’re going for a walk” and in the end he will eventually come with me, after much grumbling. Slightly different u know but you may just have to be upbeat and persistent

Oh and have a read of Eating Well for 12 to 18 year olds, a practical guidefrom the Caroline Walker Trust. It’s made me reassess what I feed my DS as as a result of me making some changes to his main meals and snacks, he’s choosing to eat fewer empty calories naturally.

With regards to sugar, this is from the NHS:

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/eat-well/how-does-sugar-in-our-diet-affect-our-health/

So you can limit this quite rightly, with the NHS backing you up. Make sure you all make the changes so you can prove this is for health for everyone. I just show my DC the guidelines regarding healthy eating. They are difficult to argue against.

Ditto exercise. Dig out NHS guidelines.

www.nhs.uk/live-well/exercise/physical-activity-guidelines-children-and-young-people/

You can make homemade burgers and oven chips which are relatively healthy. Also different ways yo make pizzas with wraps and pitta breads.

Does she like nandos? Home made nandos kebabs with salad and corn on the cob is a good option.

If you do want snacks in the house choose lower calories ones. Quavers,squares abd french fries are not too bad calorie wise. Neither are 2 finger kit kats and jaffa cakes. Alpen light bars are ok and quite low fat lots of different flavours.

Stock up on fruit like strawberries, grapes anf cherries. Low fat yoghurts. Sorbets.

Small changes and extra exercise will probably make a lot of difference at her age.

Don’t have any snacks in the house so she doesn’t have the option to eat them
She can snack on fruit or salad
Get her to do more exercise
And don’t mention weight, only healthy eating