Help Needed!

[HollyLM]

Hello, I just wondered if anyone could offer any advice for me on here.

I’ve been with my partner for 6 years and we have a 3 year old.

As usual the relationship started amazingly and I fell head over heels.

As soon as my daughter was born he changed and I discovered he was taking cocaine. We fought about it, I left on many occasions and after a year or so he stopped. I was desperate to make it work.

During this time I discovered that actually drugs had been a part of his whole life, he just hid it well at the start of our relationship. He also has 2 boys from a previous.

5 months ago, he got angry as he does at times (never violent) and once again he told me to get out his house. So here I am at my mums AGAIN. He’s been desperate to make it work and have us back and whilst we’ve seen each other a lot in the week. I’m so unsure on what to do and so I haven’t returned to the House to live again.

During this break it’s come to light that he’s drinking a lot and has been using drugs again! Says it’s because he’s lonely and I’ve not been there. On top of this I’ve found out that he’s had escorts arrive at the house in the middle of the night. Swears he hasn’t done anything he’s just needed someone to talk too!

I don’t know why I don’t just have the strength the strength to completely walk away?

He’s an amazing dad and it breaks my heart for my 3 year old. She’s constantly asking to go home and gets upset when he leaves.

I’m so scared about the future and being a single parent! I would love to meet someone new and have more children etc also! I turned 30 this year...

What would you all do?! Please help as going insane!! Xxx

He's not an amazing dad! Amazing dads don't take drugs and chuck their child and partner out of the house when they get angry. You honestly deserve so much better!

It’s so hard to just completely let go! And I don’t know why? I don’t want to be at my mums temporality and who knows what’s next for me and my daughter? I’m really scared! What if I never met anyone else? And was a dinner parent for the rest of my life?! xx

Well he's not taking any responsibility for himself here.
It's YOUR fault hes' drinking and taking drugs!?
Yeah right!
Unless he gets professional help he will never be off of them.
He's an addict - plain and simple.
And paying for sex. Gross!
Stay at your mums.
Start to build your life without this drug addict and prostitute user.
He can still be a good dad.
But do not keep confusing your DS.
It's not fair to keep coming and going and this will never work.
Time to end it properly, which you already know really!

...** single parent

Sorry - DD.
So if your DD, when she's older, gets together with a man like this, what would your advice be to her?
It wouldn't be good enough, would it!?
So why is it good enough for her now, and for you!?

Why is he able to chuck you out? Is the house in his sole name? That's no way to live, is it? He can carry on doing this and you and DD will never have any security unless you're married, which is out of the question, obviously! It's time to start laying the groundwork for a future where you are in control

It’s not right for either of us of course it isn’t.

It’s just so hard when most of this time he’s a good person (I think) and deep down I know he regrets all these choices he just doesn’t think and has selfish ways when he’s had a drink.

why do we get overwhelmed with fear that if they met someone new they would have the prefect life?

He has a very good job and on the face of it is a complete split personality!!! xx

... it’s his house yes! Do you mean leave him and lay the groundwork for a new life where I’m in control? xx

...he’s says that if I give him a lump sum (between £25,000-£50,000) he’ll put my name on his mortgage!! Is that even a ridiculous thing to say?! x

Yes, it's rubbish. Where are you going to get that sort of money from? And if you had it, it would be better to use it as a deposit on a place of your own. Talk about stepping out of the frying pan into the fire! Where did he get that figure from anyway? If he had the house valued, deduct his mortgage, that would indicate how much equity there is. Divide it in two, would give the amount due IF you went ahead with his suggestion. (Which you aren't, are you, as you're much more sensible than that)!

He just says he’s worked hard for his mortgage and house etc and he wouldn’t find it easy handing it over for nothing Incase I took it all! £50,000 would mean we would be mortgage free in 10 years and £25,000 is half the cost of the exstention he’s having done...

Is it stupid even talking about the house when he’s been taking drugs and had escorts over?!

Why am I so scared to be on my own and not meet anyone?! xx

To echo a previous pp, if you discovered your friend was in this position, what would your advice be? You say he's a good person, but he has chosen his own needs over that of you and your DD. He has clearly chosen drugs and, as hard as that must be, the message is clear - he doesn't love either of you enough to want to stop taking them. Find someone who will value you and you DD over a chemical high.

The only situation where you could possibly take it all would be if you were married, , even then unlikely. And you won't be together in ten years if he's already taking drugs and using prostitutes.

Thanks for your comments and advice - I just feel completely heartbroken and devesated over all of this! And it breaks my heart for my little girl! That’s her home and everything she knows.....

Thing is, when she's 18, the house will still be there. He won't and she'll be a mess because she's watched him treat you like shit all these years. Is that what you want? Children learn from their parents and what she's going to learn is men get what they want and women put up with it.
That's not what you want for her. Walk away. This man doesn't deserve you and he certainly doesn't deserve her.
Oh, and give him money for the house? That'll be spunked up the wall in no time. He's playing you. Please, walk away.

Walk away - you need to set a good example for DD. How would you feel if she was in the same situation you are in the future?

Leave. Permanently. There is nothing happy or wholesome about this relationship. He will lose the house anyway due to his addiction. See a solicitor. Do you want your dd to grow up within a dysfunctional family unit?

30 is still very young and you have your whole life ahead of you. It is nice to have a stable, functional relationship but it is also better to be without a man and provide stability for your child than to stay with a man for the sake of having one.

Leave. Live your life. Live your dd. Make it good. If a good man comes along great; if not you have created a good life for you and your daughter.

My advice would be to walk away. It will only get worse, as he is now heavy on the alcohol and drugs. He is also making you feel guilty for his own addictions and actions!! What a vile man.

He’s kicked you and his child out and has no guilt of doing so.... instead he pays for escorts to entertain him!?

It’s only a matter of time before he completely drains you emotionally, mentally and physically. My bet is, he will turn violent. It took my Dad four years to turn violent on my Mum and he was violent to women before her.

Do not worry about your future; anything is better than being in a toxic relationship. It does not sound like love to me, more so attachment.

Hold your head high and focus on you and your baby. He will try his best to get you back, but stay strong minded and move on. It will be hard a first, but within a few months you will look back and laugh at yourself for being scared to let go.

You deserve 100 times better than this. No man would see their child on the street. No man will blame someone for their own filthy actions. He hid his drug habit from you for long enough, so all you need to ask yourself is “what more is he hiding/holding back?”

From you said you are speaking to him, but still unsure about your next move - I think deep down you know you are more than ready to move on.

Do not be scared. Stay strong for you and your child and only settle for the best.

I wish you all the best :)

Seriously do you want your daughter growing up with a dad that's a drug addict? Do you want her ridiculed and talked about at school for it? Because people will find out and news will spread.

Do you want her growing up where every time dad's in a bad mood she gets thrown out with her mum?
Growing up walking on eggshells because of dad's come downs after taking coke?
Being in a house where she may actually find drugs and worse still try some?
Grow up thinking drugs are ok because dad takes them?

Don't underestimate a child! I can clearly remember 35 years later arguments between my parents when I was 3 and in nursery. And yes, their behaviour has screwed me up! But it also made me a bloody good parent!!!

... I guess I get caught up in that, can I help him? Can I change him? Can we have that ‘nornal’ family life that we do have often or will he always do things behind my back and lie? It seems that he takes drugs here and there it’s not a constant daily thing. Still not acceptable I know. But he does drink most evenings. He SEEMS to be able to stop the drink if he puts his mind to it. Or am I just wasting time thinking I can help him permanently? xx

You cannot fix him.
Where do your people pleaser tendencies come from?
Your upbringing maybe?

Please look up co-dependency. You will find yourself there.
THIS SITE is a good one.
Worth looking into.

You really want to get back with a man that uses prostitutes?
Sorry, but that's just the most icky thing ever.
Imagine what sort of STD's he could have by now.

This man is an awful male role model for your DD.
Don't do this to her!!!

Can I change him?

Sorry OP, the only person who can change him is him. And he has to want to make that change.

I tried for over twenty years. My children suffered due to my lack of action.

I feel that if I’m there at home he’s probably likely to stop - it’s always when I turn my back!

The other problem I have is, if I walk away from him what do I do about my daughter spending the night with him because I don’t want her to at all and I know I have every right because of his behaviour to say she won’t stay. Not that he would ever deliberately put her in Harms way, I know that x

I've recently had to deal with a coke addict and read a lot of experiences on it. Not many with a happy ending. And the mood changes and the paranoia ain't fun that I can also tell you from my own experience. And he'll get there sooner or later too if he's not there yet and won't stop and doesn't sound like he's about to.
Some comments here might be helpful, www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3277823-Guy-I-dated-has-cocaine-habit?watched=1

especially Smellycatt's.
I really hate that stuff