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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help! One year and he's still in denial!

46 replies

Donthugmeimscared · 19/06/2018 06:35

I need some advice really. I split from my ex last year and he still won't except it's over. We have dc together and during the time we were together he treated me like his property. He never listened to what I actually wanted or anything really and was extremely jealous of our children to the point he tried to get his family to have them at every opportunity. He wore me down so much over the decade we were together that I was a shell of a person. I was blank to the world and just sad really. Anyway I finally got the strength to leave but he just won't accept it's over.

I never give him any reason to think we are together just arrange for him to see the dc and that's it but he will drop them off I will say bye and then get a text later on saying things like "I could tell you really wanted to kiss me today!" I tend to just ignore them or write nope but he just doesn't get it. I've told him so many times I never want to be with him again and his reply is "your just playing hard to get" which makes my skin crawl as that was his view on everything I said no to when we were together.

What worries me more is for the last couple of weeks he has been unable to see the dc due to a safe guarding issue found out by the school. It's really serious and I am completely non contact with him. I can't believe i never knew about his awful temper and my poor dc have been dealing with it on their own all this time.

The thing is since the initial "it's not fair your keeping MY children away from me text (with the capital MY included) he keeps texting that he knows I'm doing this as I'm trying to hide my feelings and also telling me how he can't wait to take me on holiday sometime. He's bloody delusional and it's a bit scary. He calls to say stuff like it too but I just hang up. I don't reply to this and haven't for nearly a year bit he won't stop. It's like I have a few days I think finally he's stopped and then it starts again. Is there anything I can do? Has anyone else had this? He's completely delusional.

OP posts:
Donthugmeimscared · 19/06/2018 06:36

Where have all my paragraphs gone??

OP posts:
category12 · 19/06/2018 06:45

My feeling is you should tell him not to contact you anymore, block him and go to the police if he continues to harass you. He's a safeguarding issue to your dc. And likely a threat to you. In fact maybe worth talking to the police about what's going on anyway.

Lemonyknickers · 19/06/2018 06:50

I second catagory. I think you need to talk to the police and woman's aid. Now you no longer want or need him to have contact with the kids now is the time to cut him off completely. However he sounds like he is not going to go easily or quietly so get some professional advice and make sure you and the kids are supported and safe. Flowers

Childrenofthesun · 19/06/2018 06:56

Have you got anything legal in place to say he can't see the DC due to safeguarding issues? I would sort that ASAP as maybe then he will take it more seriously.

Donthugmeimscared · 19/06/2018 06:59

Thanks I think I'm going to have to. He comes across very shy and quiet to the outside world. I was his first gf at 25 and he just won't let go. I think blocking may be a good idea too. The social worker seemed to think it was good we could still be in contact and even suggested he could see them at mine. I have told her that there is no way that's happening and I'm hoping that when she finally speaks to him she will see what he's like but somehow I feel she will think he's ok. So that won't help.

OP posts:
Donthugmeimscared · 19/06/2018 07:01

I didn't know I had to get something in place I thought as the ss had said I should stop it for the time being that was enforceable? I have no money for making it legal.

OP posts:
category12 · 19/06/2018 07:07

You need to tell the social services exactly what he's like, op. They'll then have the tools to support you. Talk to them and the police and school.

Donthugmeimscared · 19/06/2018 07:17

I will contact her again as I don't think she got what I meant about him being possessive. She just kept saying how nice it was to have someone not shouting the odds about him (I'm not that kind of person and the children were with me). His behaviour just isn't normal is it?

OP posts:
springydaff · 19/06/2018 07:17

Oh God, get in touch with Women's Aid asap.

This man is dangerous and you need help. They will guide you all the way.

Also get free legal advice from Rights of Women.

Donthugmeimscared · 19/06/2018 07:23

Thank you so much. I will call them in my lunch break.

OP posts:
springydaff · 19/06/2018 07:24
Flowers
WellThisIsShit · 19/06/2018 12:43

Social workers aren’t focused on your wellbeing and are not best placed to judge the dynamics of this ‘relationship’ as it unravels. Don’t rely on her.

I have a feeling that this sw has a blind spot when it comes to picking up on disturbing signs and evidence that points to your ex being very disturbed towards you.

Please talk to Women’s Aid, and perhaps a lawyer to get some legal advice?

But rest assured, his behaviour sounds terrible and you are right to be worried by it. Don’t let anyone brush it away. Flowers

eyycarumba · 19/06/2018 13:21

Sounds a lot like my ex who after years, several harassment orders, restraining order, and prosecution for sexual assault and stalking, is STILL convinced we are meant to be together and one day I will 'see the truth and run back to him'. When I had to see him he would rub his crotch at me and talk lewdly about how I was looking at it and I obviously still want him - He even sent me a dick pic in court! It didn't matter how blunt or vile I was towards him. Unfortunately, my DS is his so he always has that link to me.
You definitely need to get legal advice and speak to a charity such as pathways or women's aid. This will not just go away on it's own. Keep any messages, record calls if you can and try not to bite to any provocation (this was my problem). I really feel for you, it grinds you down so much, even the smallest incident can send you spiraling

Donthugmeimscared · 19/06/2018 16:37

Thanks for the advice it does make you feel like you're mad. I start doubting myself about whether this is normal or not. A simple hi can set him off again. Calling to say he wasn't aloud to see the kids set it off. He's just not right.

OP posts:
BrendasUmbrella · 19/06/2018 20:58

When you speak to the sw again, impress upon her that you have serious concerns about his behaviour and fixation on you. She sounds like she could end up inadvertently enabling him if she starts babbling about how you were speaking nicely about him and might let him have visitation at your house.

Donthugmeimscared · 19/06/2018 21:33

I did try to explain to her that he is only interested in seeing them to get to me but she didn't seem to get it. I guess she hears lots of people saying all sorts.

OP posts:
Gruffalina72 · 19/06/2018 21:35

You could also contact the National Stalking Helpline.

Some social workers are dangerously inept at identifying coercive control and stalking behaviours.

Donthugmeimscared · 19/06/2018 22:04

Would it be classed as stalking? It's not like he follows me as far as I know he just won't accept it's over and even going through all this he acts really strange.

OP posts:
PizzaAndChips · 19/06/2018 22:25

I couldn't help but liken what you are describing to a case I heard on the news tonight to do with stalking. Stalking isn't limited to someone simply following/watching you. There's some useful info on the itv website:

www.itv.com/news/2018-06-19/stalking-harassment-advice-for-reporting/

This guy sounds like a fruit loop and you need to continue putting things in place to protect you and your DC. You worry you don't have the money for any legal arrangement, but (correct me if I'm wrong, anyone), I believe you may be entitled to Legal Aid, should domestic abuse be a factor in this.

RamblinRosie · 19/06/2018 22:36

Stalking doesn't have to be following , I'd talk to 101. He's refusing to accept that your relationship is over, that's not normal.

He seems to believe that you really want to be with him, what if he tries to prove it? You could be at risk of rape.

His temper is also very worrisome, don't let this lie. Can you take legal advice?

Donthugmeimscared · 19/06/2018 23:22

I've never seen his temper. I split from him when we first met and he smashed his mum's front door. She never told me this until a couple of years ago. May be the fact I always gave in I never saw it. If you had asked me to describe him I would have said quiet, placid and socially awkward. Not aggressive violent and angry. Up until all this came out he just gave me the craps because he just didn't get it was over.

OP posts:
LadyB49 · 20/06/2018 00:41

I went through similar.
DH had severe mental issues and i eventually left.
I had tried to be nice, trying not to be hard as he did need a friend. He would not accept it was over, said I didn't really mean it.

House was sold and finances sorted, then after two years ,,,,divorce. He was still saying I didn't mean it. Phoning me 40 times at work one day. I got a solicitors letter sent to him and sent a copy to his social worker and to his doctor.

Still he turned up at my work, drove past my home. Came to my door one morning at 6.30am. By this time I had met my now dh and he was with me. Told ex to leave or
police would be called.
The attention only ceased when ex was permanently hospitalised. Well it almost stopped, sometimes he'd ring my work from public phone in the hospital. I had changed my home phone number.

In my experience you have to be very firm and direct. A solicitors letter to him won't cost too much.

I was wrong.....because I left him I still felt responsible for him. His social worker said that me being kind was giving him hope of a reconciliation, even after we were divorced.
It was a long hard road and happily it's in the past.

Op, see women's aid, get advice. And you could start with a solicitors letter.

Donthugmeimscared · 30/06/2018 07:17

Thought I'd give a bit of an update. The social worker has been unable to contact him about the incident with dc so called to ask if I would pass her number on to him. I said no as he will take it as a sign I want to be with him (I've ignored everything lately) he's still sending weird messages but I don't respond. Things along the lines of "I miss and love you" then a second one saying "oh and tell the kids the same".

The thing is the sw seems to think as my 7yr old is a bit sketchy about what his dad did now 4 weeks after the event they may just work with ex to teach him not to beat his children so they can have a nice happy relationship. I'm not happy with this though but she couldn't see why. My other 2 dc told her he can be violent towards them but she seems to have forgotten this. I just don't know what to do?

OP posts:
PizzaAndChips · 30/06/2018 08:30

Insist this all gets documented. Absolutely everything. Document it yourself if you have to. Obviously it's a concern that he's acting inappropriately towards you, but I assume it's more of an issue for you that he's being violent towards your DC. If this SW won't push anything, can you take it higher?

Glad to hear you are ignoring him, though, and thanks for the update.

Lemonyknickers · 30/06/2018 10:50

Document everything, screen shots, emails, transcribed phone messages. It's a pita but you may need it. It helps to focus your mind, means things don't get glossed over and forgotten and you will never know when something might become crucial.
I'm sorry you're SW is being a bit wet, I think you need to keep it clear and firm with her.As you said she seems used to more aggressive break ups but if that's not you it's just not. I'm calm too so just go for firm, clear, consistent. And yeah, avoid ex contact at all costs.

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