Help! One year and he's still in denial!

[Donthugmeimscared]

I need some advice really. I split from my ex last year and he still won't except it's over. We have dc together and during the time we were together he treated me like his property. He never listened to what I actually wanted or anything really and was extremely jealous of our children to the point he tried to get his family to have them at every opportunity. He wore me down so much over the decade we were together that I was a shell of a person. I was blank to the world and just sad really. Anyway I finally got the strength to leave but he just won't accept it's over.

I never give him any reason to think we are together just arrange for him to see the dc and that's it but he will drop them off I will say bye and then get a text later on saying things like "I could tell you really wanted to kiss me today!" I tend to just ignore them or write nope but he just doesn't get it. I've told him so many times I never want to be with him again and his reply is "your just playing hard to get" which makes my skin crawl as that was his view on everything I said no to when we were together.

What worries me more is for the last couple of weeks he has been unable to see the dc due to a safe guarding issue found out by the school. It's really serious and I am completely non contact with him. I can't believe i never knew about his awful temper and my poor dc have been dealing with it on their own all this time.

The thing is since the initial "it's not fair your keeping MY children away from me text (with the capital MY included) he keeps texting that he knows I'm doing this as I'm trying to hide my feelings and also telling me how he can't wait to take me on holiday sometime. He's bloody delusional and it's a bit scary. He calls to say stuff like it too but I just hang up. I don't reply to this and haven't for nearly a year bit he won't stop. It's like I have a few days I think finally he's stopped and then it starts again. Is there anything I can do? Has anyone else had this? He's completely delusional.

Please don't underestimate the damage a clueless social worker can do. Domestic abuse is an optional part of their training, and yours seems like someone who doesn't understand the dynamic of your family at all. As PP said, get Women's Aid involved and see if you can have a friend or someone from the school with you during meetings, so they can hold up your concerns and challenge any mad ideas, like you supervising or her 'forgetting' he's a hit the DC.

Years ago our family's Sw tried to do similar. She got quite aggressive when I continued to refuse supervising and even accused me of working against the children's interest (a very threatening statement from a Sw in a case of child abuse, similar to yours). I went to Women's Aid, because she so clearly didn't hear/understand me. They got involved and managed to swing the ball into the right direction. She did continue to push his contact with the DC and misinterpret his behaviour, but luckily got a new supervisor with experience of DV, who said our case had been 'a steep learning curved' for our sw. Eventually, when the case got to court and I was finally asked to speak, he was refused direct contact. It's hard to make yourself heard when the power dynamic is skewed against you, but you know what's what and need to do what's right for your DC.

Tell ex he can go through a contact centre. He then has no excuse to keep contacting you. No way should he be seeing them unsupervised.

Have you heard of Paladin OP? They advocate on behalf of women in your situation. Might be worth a chat with them.

for you - this is a horrible situation.

Thanks so much for all your help. It's so frustrating to feel like your not being listened to just because I'm not shouting the odds. She came round 4 four weeks ago and I've only just heard from her to ask me to let him know her number. She seems like she just wants to get rid of the problem and says that the police will probably not be interested in the accusation as my ds can't remember exactly what happened(He's 7 and it's been 4 weeks what does she expect?). She said it will probably just end up that he gets parenting lessons to make them have a better relationship. She can't understand why I'm not happy about that. She just seems so uninterested.

Sometimes sws seem to be focused on a getting you off the books. You just have to be louder, even if it's not your usual way of doing. Women's Aid and the school/friends could really help you. Maybe ask to speak to her supervisor (ring the switch board, you don't need to go through the Sw) and explain the situation. Just don't let her disinterest convince you that you're exaggerating. You're not and you know it. Your ex sounds really scary, with the persistence towards you and meek personality on the outside and violence to the kids when he feels unobserved. And your Sw sounds not on the ball at all and easily manipulated by him, to be honest.

That's the thing she hasn't even spoken to him and has already decided what's happening. It's crazy.

My other 2 dc told her he can be violent towards them but she seems to have forgotten this

Ask to speak to her manager. This isn't acceptable.

I've got a few SW friends who I could ask the best way to do this. PM me if you want help with it.

I'd also block him.

@sandyY2k I will pm you when I get to a computer can't seem to do it from the app.

I think you need a non-molestation order. He won't stop and he is stalking you. I had it to a smaller degree from my ex and it was frightening. It eats away at you.

That's fine. She cannot conveniently forget that he was violent with them. She could get in trouble for that.

I'll PM you and see if you can reply.

Please remember the social worker can't actually do anything.
This is an assessment; after which the social worker will decide whether she continues to be concerned enough about the kids to keep a case open, or whether she will close the case with recommendations.

You want her to close the case but you do NOT want her to recommend anything like you supervising contact.

She can't 'give' him any contact at all. Only you as the resident parent can allow contact or not. You can't go to court to prevent him from having contact - that would be covered under something like a non molestation order but you don't have the evidence for that. You could apply for a child arrangement order but it would be a massive hassle and probably pointless. Really the ball is in his court to apply for contact if he wants it.

My advice re contact is change your number and give him one email address to contact you on. In relation to the social worker; call her and make it clear that whilst you think him doing a parenting programme would be fine, it won't reassure you that he's safe to have unsupervised contact so you will wait for him to apply for contact or contact you regarding HIS proposal for supervised contact which you will consider.

Great so another update. Now the social worker has finally spoken to him and thinks it would be a great idea for me to meet with my ex and her to chat about how to go forward with contact. Even the thought of it makes me feel sick. I can just imagine his delight at getting me in a room with him again. She left this message on so haven't spoken to her yet. Would i be wrong to say I don't want to?

I have not had a great deal to do with Social Workers in action but i used to work in a diferent department at an institution which trained them and I wouldn't give the ones I met house room. The same applies to others I have had dealings with since.

Tell her no. Just say you aren't prepared to do that.

What's guessing that was his idea op?

Did you ever talk to women's aid? You need to be proactive here, say no as you are suffering with ongoing domestic abuse from him. You need to get other organisations involved though to back that up.

He's trying to use the SW to get to you.

I'm bewildered as to why, if he has been violent with your children, you aren't proactively doing everything you can to halt all contact. Go down to the social workers office and speak to her superior. Ring Womens Aid and seek advise so u know you're covering all possible bases. Then ring 101 and ask for advice on how to proceed as you need some sort of restraining/non-molestation order so he cannot contact you at all. Absolutely make sure future contact is done at a contact centre, primarily to ensure the safety of your children and as other people have said, it means you don't have to contact him.

The way he is dealing with you is scary. My mum was murdered by my biological father during an argument. Please just seek advice, it can't do any harm but what it could do is keep you and your children safe.

Thought id just update. The whole thing has been dropped by the police as there isn't enough evidence. The sw said it's up to me what happens now but she thinks it would be nice for them to see their dad. So I've told her no way. He can take me to court if he wants but can't see it happening.

I think you should stick to your guns. But also get in touch with Women's Aid to ask them to help you resolve this satisfactorily for the children, and stop him harassing you. As the police are taking new action, and SW is being conciliatory towards him (and seems to be giving the benefit of the doubt), that you are maybe feeling as though you're not being listened to. Worse, he is probably believing that no one is listening to you and he can continue behaving badly towards you and the DC. You need some strength behind you to sort both the violence issue towards your DS as well as his harassment.

Stick to your guns, OP. Protect your children from his man. Let him take you to court.

Your SW sounds rubbish. Have you blocked him still?

Yes he's still blocked. I have seen his mum since and noticed the children act really off after seeing her and listening to her "you will see your dad soon" speaches. Middle son gets really aggressive after and youngest has started bed wetting again. She is completely in the it's a load of lies camp so keeping her visits to a minimum.

Just got a final report from the sw it's a bloody joke. She has got the boys names mixed up so many times. Wrote that one of my son's was jealous of me with the children instead of him and has said how he has to be nicer in the future. She's also put me and one of the children as living at a different address. This has been sent to him too.