Still under h's thumb 3 years separated?

[Oceandegree]

Ok, this might end up quite long so i will try and bullet point.

• Me and h split up about 3 years ago. He wanted to stay in the family home so I left to live near my mum with the kids. I took nothing with me and started a new home with second hand bits and pieces. I was just glad to be free of walking on eggshells.

• started renting property and started work again after 7 years of being a sahm. I earn about £12,000 a year as I've had to start all over again.
  h earns approx £80,000 a year plus bonuses and pensions etc.

*The mortgage and deeds to the family home were never in my name. I guess I felt it wasn't my right to stay in it even though married as I'd been a sahm. That property is now worth around 450K.

*h had a property (also only in his name which bought years ago before we met) which he was renting out. He decided to sell up a few months ago and said I could have the assets. I think he said around £160 K but I can't be certain. The house sold for 165K and is about to exchange.
Nothing in writing but verbal agreement kind of thing. I've never asked him for money, not even maintenance but he does pay around £550 a month.

*I started to look at properties and saw one that would be in the budget with a small mortgage on my side (just approved).
I have instructed solicitors and estate agent.
He's now said I can have 125 K a drop of £20,000 but enough for me to have to pull out.

I'm devastated and embarrassed I took his word for it and had nothing set in stone. I'm going to have to write all around tonight to cancel all the transactions and my mortgage.

I know I should get more if I were to divorce but I can't bring myself to. I've not had any kind of relationship or been with anyone else throughout or after I left so I didn't go through divorce to keep finances together.
I can't stop thinking I'd be a money grabber or that his money is his, on the other hand, I gave up work for 7 years, had to retrain and did everything for him when I was there putting up with constant put downs and him being a bit controlling really.

I don't know if he still has a hold on me. He used to drive crazy a lot of the time. Not talking to me or making me think things had happened when they didn't. He often still ignores me as if I'm not worth speaking to. (and this is usually regarding the children now).

How can I get rid of this feeling that we (i and kids) don't deserve anything better or are worthy of divorcing him? iyswim?

He definitely still has a hold over you.

Think of the power trip he's got from fucking up your plans to buy a new home!

Can I suggest you seek legal advice (even just a free half hour somewhere) to investigate what you can get to secure your children's future and peace of mind? Then think about doing the Freedom Programme. It's about healthy relationships and abusive relationships (it's not just useful for survivors of domestic violence), and if you don't want to/can't go to a group they do it online for £12. I imagine you'll find it an eye opener.

Divorce him and then you have cut that massive financial tie to him. He could be running up all sorts of debts you don't know about and he's using this situation to still have control over you. Get him gone and get the money you deserve and buy a lovely house for you and your children. You deserve it

You’ve been separated 3 years. You’re married to him. You have kids. You are not a stranger to him. You were a partnership for the time you were married. If you owned a business with him and you left the business would you expect to take your share with you? You wouldn’t just walk away from running a joint business with nothing? So why are you walking away from your marriage with nothing. You facilitated the home side of your partnership. He facilitated the work side. If you had dropped dead the day after your kids were born what would have happened? Would he have progressed in his career as he has? How much childcare would he have had to pay? Cleaner? Etc...you are horrifically undervaluing yourself. If nothing else, your kids deserve you to fight for your share. They live with you and anything you have betters their lives. If you can’t take what’s yours for you, then take what’s yours for them. Do you and your kids a massive favour and go see a solicitor about what you should be getting. This has dragged on for much too long and it’s time to rebuild your life.

If nothing else go and get a deed of separation ASAP. Like tomorrow. If he decided to take out huge loans then unless you have a deed of separation then you are potentially liable. Who’s going to look after your kids if you have to declare yourself bankrupt? And don’t say that won’t ever happen because it happened to a neighbour of mine in exactly your same circumstances.

please don't walk away with nothing or very little.

I would go back to ex and say agreement was for X, I would rather we sort this out between us or else I will have to ask for a full evaluation of joint assets and ask for an equal split.

You have done well to break away but your children need security and he can help provide it as legally entitled.

Please post on the divorce board to get support.
What is stopping you getting a divorce?

Thank you for your lovely replies. I'm in tears right now. long day and just too much bad news. :(
I still feel sorry for him and I feel guilty about leaving but I couldn't take the stress anymore.
My mum keeps telling me the same as you but I just shut her out. i cannot see beyond.

I don't know what is holding me back. Maybe I'm scared, scared of him thinking I'm just in it for the money and trying to prove I can do this on my own.

Ask for half the assets willing to drop to 160K in bartering, if the answer is no.
Do it all nicely through email and text so you have a paper trail.

What about pension and maintenance for you?

See a lawyer first. You are being screwed.

Why do you care what he thinks? He could think you are a money grabbing arsehole but it doesn’t matter because what he thinks is no longer your worry. You left and that’s that. Stop punishing yourself and by extension punishing your kids. It’s been years. It’s time to move forward. People leave people every day. You have a right to do what you want, you have a right to equitable split of assets earns during the marriage. I strongly urge you to do the following. Check on the CMS calculator as to what monthly maintenance you should be getting. Book a counsellor to help you understand why you have an avoidant personality and how to move past it. Contact rights for women for free legal advice about obtaining a deed of separation or book a local solicitor. Contact women’s aid and book onto a freedom programme. You can’t live in limbo for ever. It’s time to pull up your big girl knickers and get divorced and get assets enough to buy a house. You have nothing to feel bad about. The law is on your side here.

I don't know how his pension affects me. He never talked about finances when we were together.
I only found out I wasn't on the deeds after I checked myself some years later (being pretty naive) but maybe that's because I wasn't on the mortgage?

OMG Cawfee.
This is me to a tee. Shit, i do actually need a counsellor!!
Thanks for being upfront about it. I am not assertive at all and I need to become much more. I am very aware of that and I honestly hate it.

Some common signs of avoidant personality disorder include:

Easily hurt by criticism or disapproval
No close friends- that's me!
Reluctance to become involved with people - That's me!
Avoidance of activities or occupations that involve contact with others- Kind of!
Shyness in social situations out of fear of doing something wrong - yes
Exaggeration of potential difficulties - defo!
Showing excessive restraint in intimate relationships - yes
Feeling socially inept, inferior, or unappealing to other people - yes
Unwilling to take risks or try new things because they may prove embarrassing - yep.

It was actually you lot on mumsnet that finally got me out of there in the first place because it took me about a year to actually go!

Sounds like you've been downtrodden for so long that it's become your normal, so subconsciously your continuing to behave how you were conditioned to during the relationship.

You are right you would get much more if you devoiced, so you should definitely consider it, for your children if not for yourself. If your ex ever meets someone else or has more children, they could end up been disinherited, so you would be protecting there future by getting some assets in your name.

If you are not strong enough to pursue a devoice right now can you at least start discussing it, and say you want the full amount he promised as part of your settlement.

Ok look at it this way - you have to do something surely writing and say no he said it was yours is easier than having to email everyone else.

You deserve that money (indeed legally you deserve a lot more)

You should really instruct a family lawyer and begin divorce proceedings. You are financially tied to your DH and any debt or any issues he has becomes yours too and may lead to issues for your own future.

From another point of view, the law is there to be fair not to facilitate money grabbers so if the law sees it fair that you should have a financial settlement then there is no reason you should not.

If you didn't give up your job he wouldn't have been able to do his therefore you played a huge part in the financial part of the relationship. Also I'm sure you had a tough job raising the children and keeping the house running. Even if you consider minimum wage, all the hours you put in so he could work would easily add up to what the law says you should get.

You are not money grabbing, you are taking what is yours, fair and square. It is for your kids future.

There is no doubt you can do this on your own! However if someone stole your handbag with £1000 in it and the police got it back. You wouldn't refuse it because someone had it and you can earn it again on your own - it is rightfully yours! Same thing - you put your career on hold to give him a family. That's worth more than any job.

Please consult a good lawyer before you accept anything. You don't want it construed as an acceptance of financial settlement.

Good luck!

Oh and not been on the mortgage dose not make the house any less yours (although could be a sigh of how little he thought of you even then). All assets within a marriage belong to both people.

In some case it's easier to get a mortgage without the financially dependent adult (DH wasn't on ours initially) but it's very easy to add someone to deeds later so its no excuse once mortgage was paid off.

I have an avoidant personality too which is why I recognise it in others. Counselling will help. You probably have PTSD from the relationship breakdown too which is why you have these irrational and anxious thoughts surrounding your ex. Write back “you agreed to give me £165k and I have made financial arrangements involving the children based on that figure. Please transfer me the agreed amount ASAP. I will have no other choice but to contact a solicitor and get legal advice” then see what he replies

and don’t agree to accept the 165 as final settlement. You are probably owed at least double that! Why shouldn’t your kids have a decent house to live in if he’s earnt and made all of that during your marriage.

I would go back and say you need x to complete your purchase. Without it you cannot complete and therefore to move on you will need to start divorce proceedings. And expect a 50% share

Stop thinking about the properties/assets/pension as his - they are joint assets that the law says you are entitled to a share of

If he caves and gives you your purchase amount great. Complete then start divorce proceedings for the rest of the settlement

I recommend seeing a solicitor as not only will they help with structuring your “ask” they will help you get over the reluctance to ask by explaining your entitlement and why the law says it’s reasonable

You might have been a sahm while he earned all the money, but in law that is seen as an equal contribution.

As such, marital assets should be split fairly, with a starting position of 50/50.

You are entitled to at least 50% of the equity in the marital home, his pension, any savings and investments (which now include the proceeds from the sale of his rental).

You might not feel that you are due anything, and I have no idea of the circumstances surrounding your separation, but I'm sure you realise that you need to safely house your dc and make provision for your own retirement? It's not money-grabbing to protect yourself, to seek a basic level of financial security, for dc if not yourself.

And if you are saying that he entered the marriage with more assets, that you don't want to take stuff he acquired before he met you, well then you can make provision for that too, it's all part of the negotiation.

He has let you down and you no longer have to play fair. He has shot himself in the foot for £20k. Get legal advice and sort it out.

If I were you I would want him to think I was only interested in his money - why would you be inter tested in him? Divorce him and get legal advice - take every penny you are entitled to and buy a home.

Why are you worried about what he thinks?
You should start divorce proceedings and get legal advice immediately. Marital assets are just that - they belong to both of you and your children. Take what you are entitled to.

My dm left with nothing because My father begged and promised to leave his huge mansion to his kids. He’s remarried to a young woman with 2 kids now. DM is still in rented accomodation and bitter she supported him and built up the family home. Get what you are entitled to.

for heavens sake.
you know that you are entitled by law to 50 per cent of assets as a starting point. his pension has value. i assume you have no pension provision at all.
you need to address why you do not act despite this knowledge.

Tjank you. Appreciate all replies. I left because I was walking on eggshells around him everyday. Often completely ignored me and critisised everything I did. No other partners involved or have been since. Can't be sure his side but think not.
I'm seriously thinking about what you all say now. I'm angry for once rather than apathetic.

OP, in the nicest possible way, you need to start thinking of your children here, and stop being a frightened mouse. Who gives two fucks what he thinks of you.
Get yourself to a divorce solicitor and get the ball rolling, you're entitled to half of everything, the house, his pension etc etc. Secure your children's financial future.
He's taking the piss in regards to child maintenance, go to the child maintenance service calculator and put in his salary, if he refuses to pay the proper amount, they can get it for you.

You can instruct the CMS to 'collect and pay'.