Older man, younger partner - trying to move forward.

[cjb57]

First-time poster and nervous newbie, but needed to ask...

I'm a 57 year-old man in a four year (so far) relationship with a woman of 33 (believe me when I say I've heard or read all the judgemental stuff already, so if I can ask you to refrain from that, I'd be grateful.)

The relationship is strong, we're deeply in love and we both have similar aims in life, including having kids.

At first I thought it was just a crazy fling and we kept it fairly private and she wanted to keep it from her family, especially her parents whilst we both thought of it that way. However, after a year we realised that it was actually pretty serious and she's met my family and kids multiple times and they get on really well. I've met a few of her closest friends, but not many. Of course there were eyebrows raised &etc, but everyone soon accepted that we're very happy together.

Now for the problem part:- she is scared, terrified, to the point of breaking up the relationship, of telling her parents and thus the rest of her family. We've discussed it time and time again and he always ends up promising that she'll tell them only to back out of doing so at the last minute.

Now, for my part, I want, need the relationship to progress as most relationships do, but it's quite impossible to envisage kids (and possibly marriage) while she's so fearful of her parents' reaction that she hasn't told them. If she won't tell them there's no realistic future for us and I have pretty much no option but to break up with her, which I really, really don't want to do.

So here's my question:-

How would you handle "it"?

"It" being any interpretation of advising her how to tell her parents (or not), advising me how to get through this (or not) or anything else the panel might be happy to offer (other than giving me a hard time for having a younger partner!)

Thanks

So they do know about you then? I'm genuinely confused.

So if they already know, why is she getting upset and tearful about having to tell them again?

There must be a bigger story here. Does she actually want children and/or marriage? Or is she using her parents as an excuse not to commit/progress the relationship?

She's terrified of telling them about you but they already know about you? Is she mad?

I think no one is mad.
If this is a genuine post - and I am starting to doubt it - the OP is not telling the whole story, at best. And making stuff up - at worst.

OP - did you come here to get some sympathy?
Poor manipulative person that you are. Is she slipping your grip?
Oh, no...

She gave you AN email address...

Have houses bride and prejudice, channel 5 documentary ?

There's a similar story on there

The girl was a bit younger though and her grandad was heart broken

Have you seen bride and prejudice? Sorry

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

“So they do know about you then? I'm genuinely confused.

So if they already know, why is she getting upset and tearful about having to tell them again?

There must be a bigger story here. Does she actually want children and/or marriage? Or is she using her parents as an excuse not to commit/progress the relationship?“

That’s the conclusion I’ve come to also.

For those with constructive advice (either way) then thank you, it’s all been very helpful in unclouding my own mind.

For those who have been just plain critical, well, thanks for your input too. Everyone has a right to their opinions and I didn’t come here unaware of the flak I might draw.

This is sad op. I know exactly how you feel. My friend is going through the exact same thing except she is the younger woman they have 20 years between them. The man (20yrs older) has never introduced her to any of his family or friends. He claims he told one of his friends and one of his siblings about her.

In her case, she told her parent and anyone else about him up front. Her mum has met him. He is probably worried about my friend waking up one day with the reality of all the fears that your dp is worried about.

There are absolutely no guarantees in life. I think this relationship is preventing you from meeting someone better suited to both of you. It really doesn’t have to be this hard, the only reason it is this hard is because of the significant age gap.

Problem is, it’s a bit confusing. Because if they do know about you then that line has been crossed? And so it’s not the fear of them knowing? that is if they received the email. And I do think it’s odd to have written it without an initial “I am going out with cjb”

So do they actually know about you? Has she backtracked with them?
These are all questions that colour the situation. If she has told them, they disapprove and she’s told them she’s no longer with you then that’s a whole different ball game. That means she’s not choosing to fight to stay with you, but keeping you there leaving you unable to move on with your life.
It’s almost like being an OM or OW

You don't know if it was really his email address. She could have opened that email account herself.

Please stop torturing yourself.
This will NEVER be resolved.
The only thing you can do is walk away and get on with your life.
While you keep enabling her she will keep doing this.

If you and she wrote a letter to her parents together then they do know about you, she's been involved in telling them and I don't know what your problem is.