Older man, younger partner - trying to move forward.

[cjb57]

First-time poster and nervous newbie, but needed to ask...

I'm a 57 year-old man in a four year (so far) relationship with a woman of 33 (believe me when I say I've heard or read all the judgemental stuff already, so if I can ask you to refrain from that, I'd be grateful.)

The relationship is strong, we're deeply in love and we both have similar aims in life, including having kids.

At first I thought it was just a crazy fling and we kept it fairly private and she wanted to keep it from her family, especially her parents whilst we both thought of it that way. However, after a year we realised that it was actually pretty serious and she's met my family and kids multiple times and they get on really well. I've met a few of her closest friends, but not many. Of course there were eyebrows raised &etc, but everyone soon accepted that we're very happy together.

Now for the problem part:- she is scared, terrified, to the point of breaking up the relationship, of telling her parents and thus the rest of her family. We've discussed it time and time again and he always ends up promising that she'll tell them only to back out of doing so at the last minute.

Now, for my part, I want, need the relationship to progress as most relationships do, but it's quite impossible to envisage kids (and possibly marriage) while she's so fearful of her parents' reaction that she hasn't told them. If she won't tell them there's no realistic future for us and I have pretty much no option but to break up with her, which I really, really don't want to do.

So here's my question:-

How would you handle "it"?

"It" being any interpretation of advising her how to tell her parents (or not), advising me how to get through this (or not) or anything else the panel might be happy to offer (other than giving me a hard time for having a younger partner!)

Thanks

Have you pointed out to her that she is running out of time to have children? I also don't see why she is so worried about her family's reaction. If they are Iranian they would have likely seen lots of couples with significant age gaps (perhaps not as significant as yours though) and should be more receptive to it than British natives generally would Ben.

OP - you know it’s for the best for her. And her reluctance to tell her parents is common sense kickng in.

You are probably only a few years younger then her parents. And looking into the future of having young kids while also taking care of elderly parents AND husband - isn’t really a life anyone would look forward to.

Please - let her go and figure out her life with someone who is closer to her age.
I understand that for YOU - having a young gf, and eventually caregiver - is the best of all worlds - but really. It’s selfish.

Love doesn’t really conquer all. And as sad as it may be for all of you - be the adult that you are - and move on.

MistressDeeCee "Are you her Sugar Daddy?"

Absolutely not, from the start she's always been very scrupulous about paying her way in everything - holidays/meals out/groceries &etc and is a generous person. She has a very well-paid job and is sensible with money - she wastes neither hers nor mine.

The rest of your post makes a lot of sense

RaceCarDriver - oh yes, we've had that conversation a few times.

MMmomDD You make a very good point and believe me I've thought about that at great length. I am >20 years younger than her parents, but yes, the "care" thing has been discussed and of course it's a concern.

Since I watched my grandparents die (when in their mid-to-late 80s), I've always sworn there'll be no need for care for me IYSWIM. That will hold true regardless of who I may be with (or not).

I was in a king term relationship with a lovely man. Who was 39 years older than me. My parents were very upset when I told them. Although they liked him a lot. So I can see why she's reluctant to tell them.

We drifted apart eventually, but are still good friends. But he's gradually withdrawn from all his hobbies and social things. And is no longer the funny and interesting person he was. I hate feeling responsible for him in a way. And wish I could just walk away from him. But don't feel I can.
Although you say you don't want your partner to 'care for you' she will still have a huge sense of responsibility. My ex is now 75 and I'm 36. I don't regret our relationship. But the age gap will be an issue for be in future.

My husbands best friend is in a long term relationship with a Muslim woman. They have been together for 16 years and she still hasn’t told her family. 16 years of empty promises and deceit and dangling the carrot. They live together but can’t marry as she won’t tell her family’s she is too old to have children now so those dreams are gone for my friend too. So many times he has been told that she is about to tell them but he has given up now. He will always be shut out from a huge part of her life. It is heart breaking. Don’t be that guy.

OP - it’s all nice to have best I the best intentions.
But - there will be care.
Because - is she stays with you and have children - she won’t be able NOT to provide care for the father of her children.

So - please don’t kid yourself and don’t try to make this hard situation harder.

In 10-20years - she’ll still be a young woman, full of energy and life. While you’ll be 67-77.
I hope she has the strength to pull herself out of this life she is being sucked into.
By her current feelings and what you are telling her.

And let’s not forget being in your 60s with a young kids and 70-80s when your kids go to university, or worse.

I am sorry. No matter what you say - and despite it being unfair and all that you and her have missed each other in timelines - you are hoping for a very selfish outcome here.

Both you and get should really cherish the good memories and move on.

Lndnmummy Wow, 16 years! And I thought I've been understanding and patient.

*OP - it’s all nice to have best I the best intentions.
But - there will be care.
Because - is she stays with you and have children - she won’t be able NOT to provide care for the father of her children. *

I totally get where this comment is coming from but life isn't the same for everyone. A close friend of my Dad at aged 60 got married to a lady who was 40. A few people had a similar opinion to you - she would end up caring for him. She died of cancer last year and he is now 75 and on his own. She was 54 when she died.

@baxterboi

Anything is possible, of course.
But assuming she doesn’t die of cancer in the young age - the more likely outcome - is that in the next few years she’ll start caring for her aging parents - as they seem to be their 70s.
And when she is done with that - she’ll move on to caring for the OP.
All the while while having kids too.

Is that a life you’d wish on your daughter?

I am late to this conversation, but the thing that crossed my mind is that the keeping you secret is wrong even without the age gap or cultural “justification” for it. Imho, the general MN consensus is do not be anyone’s secret. That degrades and minimizes you.

She is not “all in” with you. Professionally and financially speaking, she may be an independent adult. But emotionally, she is still very much her parents’ little girl. I understand it is a very strong cultural template (for lack of a better word) to push against. The British customization apparently only goes so far. You have found the limit. This might be true without the age gap; but imho, the age gap makes it more definitely a bridge too far.

Sorry if this is supremely obtuse, but could you tell them?

Tell her to call you when she's told her parents about you.... otherwise you don't want to hear from her.

AndTheBandPlayedOn "Sorry if this is supremely obtuse, but could you tell them?"

I wrote quite a long and heartfelt letter to them two years ago. I got no response at all except a slightly cross and panicked DP. I visited their house just a few months ago and spoke to her father, very respectfully, for less than two minutes before DP came to the door and interrupted us. Again, no response apart from a very cross DP.

I've offered to go with her to speak to them together, but a) I'm not sure that's a good approach as it might be interpreted by them as me somehow controlling her and b) I think this is something she wants to do face-to-face and alone out of respect for her parents.

However, it's all excuse after excuse after excuse from her.

The definition of insanity is to try the same thing over and over again expecting a different outcome. I think I need to sever all ties (NC I think its known as here) and go off to lick my wounds.

Hang on, so they do know about you, then? And she is deliberately preventing them getting to know you (interrupting you at the door)?

I'd tell anyone in this position, regardless of age, to give up at this point. She's paying lip service to wanting a life with you.

Do you think her parents actually saw that letter?

Hang on - OP -
So, your GF isn’t ready to tell her parents, and doesn’t want to.
And you - write a letter to them? Two years into into the relationship?
And then try to talk to her father recently???

And she is still with you?

If she were my friend - i’d tell her to run. You are clearly controlling and manipulative and want to get your way.
Let’s not try to set smoke screens here - ‘a heartfelt letter’, huh?
It’s not YOUR decision, not your right to tell them.

Josuk - all fair and understandable points.

My mental health though.

My DH is 22 years older than me. My parents were wary at first but now they are the best of friends and since DH has been diagnosed with cancer my dad in particular has been heartbroken. I did keep him a secret at first because I didn't know how to tell them, but then I got pregnant and that forced my hand somewhat.

I have a friend in a similar position, she's 31 and disabled, to the degree that she cannot live independently and has live in carers. She works part time at an admin job and has met a man there who she has fallen for, the trouble is he is in his 70s and older than her parents. She is terrified of telling them because they are quite protective of her and would probably struggle to understand what he is getting out of the relationship and thus why he wants to be with her. Her sisters don't even know, she only told me because she wanted my advice on how to speak to her parents about it - he wants to marry her.

It's difficult finding the words, but if your girlfriend really sees a future with you she will find the way to do it. And she is a grown woman.

Nice try OP -
This can work with a woman 25years your junior - blaming it on your mental health and having it as somehow something more important than anything else.

Don’t play games here. You know what you are trying to do with her. And I hope she wakes up to that.

Unfortunately - I think she’ll fall for this sad act and come back to you, at least for now. But hopefully, one day, she’ll grow up.

What was the heartfelt letter saying? How come they still don't know about you? And who did her Dad think you were standing on the doorstep? I don't get it. Sorry.

They do know about you. You are not a secret. You want to move the relationship forward: does that mean an engagement/marriage? She is ring fencing her family, perhaps based on what she thinks they will say. But she doesn’t have the guts to actually lay her cards on the family table and let them give their own response. She is indirectly telling you “no” to the relationship progression and blaming her family for it.
This train ran out of track two years ago. You are right to end it.

Does no one else see that letter as a violation of trust in a relationship?

If a woman wrote that a partner did that to her: disregarded her wishes, forced his way on her - she’d be advised to LTB.

I agree with whoever said it uptread - I wonder why she hasn’t left.
And I wonder if this is a relationship where both parties have an equal role/say/power.
Doesn’t appear so.

The letter was written and sent with her knowledge, review and input. She even told me her Dad's email address.

Love that people jump to conclusions rather than asking first. C'est la vie (or rather, I guess that's the way of the Internet)

So - why then was she cross and panicked...

Get your story straight, OP

Simple - it got a bad reaction to her from her parents.