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Original poster

Is this reasonable to ask?

38 replies

LoveAtFirstSight · 18/06/2018 15:14

Met a guy recently through work, met him once for drinks, had a kiss, but he lives three hours away so haven't seen him since then, but been in touch every day.

In 2 weeks hes going to come up to see me for the weekend. It makes sense that he stays at mine, i want to see him as much as i can for the time he's here.

Would it be weird of me to say no sex yet...? Tbh i would probably cave after the first night.... But would quite like to just spend time together, and get to know eachother a bit more.

Or is a given that hes going to be expecting sex? Would you think if it was mixed signals if you were invited to stay for 2 nights, but then told no sex?

OP posts:
Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 18/06/2018 15:16

Have you got a spare room? Invite him to stay and mention you have prepared the spare room for him. ...

GlassSuppers · 18/06/2018 15:16

You can always say no! Wait until you're ready.
Tell him that he can stay on the sofa/spare room if he wants to stay at yours.

Never feel that it is expected of you to have sex.

SandAndSea · 18/06/2018 15:19

It's perfectly reasonable to wait until you're ready. In fact, his reaction to this will tell you a lot about what sort of man he is. If he really wants to be with you long-term and is a decent guy, he won't mind at all.

category12 · 18/06/2018 15:21

It's not weird of you, but best to be clear that you're "making up the spare room" or something in advance. No good can come from him rocking up expecting more than you're ready for.

Original poster
LoveAtFirstSight · 18/06/2018 15:24

Im happy to share a bed with him, have a wee snuggle and a kiss, but maybe not sex straight away. But is sharing a bed too grey an area...?

I think he would be ok with it, but as you say, his reaction would be a good indicator for how he feels about us. Whether its a potential long term thing or just a quick shag...

OP posts:
ChocoholicsAsylum · 18/06/2018 15:27

Is it really that unusual to wait? Ive only been with one partner my whole life but if I wasnt and dated again even though I cannot imagine doing that then I would certainly wait months! Im a bit of a self conscious shitebag though and have no problems pleasing myself if I had to more than what anyone could do, so.... LOL sorry.

NotTheFordType · 18/06/2018 15:30

You've dated him once. I would not be comfortable with any man I knew so little of staying overnight, not unless I wanted sex. If I was sure I wanted to wait then I'd ask him to book a hotel.

Takfujuimoto · 18/06/2018 15:34

If you don't want to explicitly say " I'm not ready for sex yet" then I think separate sleeping arrangements are the best idea to convey that idea.
It's perfectly normal to want to wait or slowly build up intimacy over weeks/months especially if you do not see each other regularly.
I moved 150 miles away from DH when we were friends first and that distance actually made us realise we wanted more but for reasons already decided we lived apart and took turns visiting, it took roughly 8 months before we became fully physically intimate and neither of us regret it.

Original poster
LoveAtFirstSight · 18/06/2018 15:42

Im not going to ask him to stay in a hotel. He'll be doing the driving up and back home, so will have time and fuel costs, im not going to add a hotel to that.

I really want to have sex with him, but think it would probably be better to wait... I might just wait until i see him then make a decision from there...

OP posts:
category12 · 18/06/2018 16:26

There's nothing wrong in having sex right away if you want. But sharing a bed is definitely mixed messages if it's not on your agenda.

And you don't know him that well, do you? One date and a lot of messaging?

Original poster
LoveAtFirstSight · 18/06/2018 16:30

Ive met him twice through work as well and know hes very well thought of at work, but you're right, i dont really know him that well. Feels like I've known him forever though.

I want to have sex, but dont know if that will set the tone for the relationship, and take away some of the potential longevity. But m also aware that i dont know when ill get to see him next after that weekend.

OP posts:
SummerGems · 18/06/2018 16:35

You’ve been on one date only and you’re already inviting him to spend the weekend at yours? Do be careful. at this stage given how little you know him you will IMO need to make your expectations (or lack thereof) very clear as staying over and sharing a bed will be giving him a very definite message that you’re up for having sex. And even if you say no at the time which is of course your prerogative it’s far better to make things clear up front with a view for them to change if you want.

FWIW I’d been with my eXH for around eight months before we had sex and we did share a bed in that time. Similarly my DP did stay some weekends at mine but he was already a friend and we happened to get together.

There’s no way I would have invited a man into my bed without prior understanding as to what was and wasn’t expected.

ChocoholicsAsylum · 18/06/2018 17:21

Btw I read my post and am not judging anyone who wants sex out of someone and thats it/on a first date etc.

MeMyShelfandIkea · 18/06/2018 17:25

DH and I slept together on our first date and we're still going strong as a couple 8 years later. A decent man won't judge you for sleeping with him so if you both want sex, have it. If he thinks less of you afterwards then he's an arse.

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 18/06/2018 17:27

If he’s keen he’ll have no issues staying in a hotel or hostel nearby OP, trust me.

I had a guy fly from Italy to see me and he booked a hostel as I wasn’t comfortable having him sleeping at mine straight away. Ditto with a chap from only two hours away, dinner then back to the hotel for him.

But if you really want him to stay at yours, let him know you’ve made up the spare bed or sofa bed for him before he sets off. Then expectations are clear. If you want him in your bed then you can but the default is that he’ll be elsewhere.

Plus I feel like if you don’t fancy explicitly stating ‘no sex but you can sleep next to me’, letting him into your bed from the sofa bed is a clearer statement of that than just expecting him in your bed from the start.

Plus he might not want to rush either and might prefer his own space/room.

binkyblinky · 18/06/2018 18:09

You are your own woman and if you choose to have sex or not is your decision to make! It doesn't make you a bad person.

Have you thought about talking to him / messaging him and seeing what his thoughts are? He might be feeling exactly the same way.

I think you know in your gut what type of person he is, or you wouldn't have invited him to stay.

Most important thing - have fun and stay safe!

Wenospeak · 18/06/2018 18:14

You are not sure yourself so you will be sending him mixed messages.

Fishyfingers · 18/06/2018 18:35

I think it's weird you're inviting him to stay over when you've not known him that long and that you want to share a bed and snuggle but not full on sex... your body your rules and your own limits but they are rather grey. I would be confused by that because to me it sounds like you're going too fast and ready to have sex. I suggest as others have to tell him what your expectations and rules are for that visit before he gets there. message him and tell him you will prepare a spare bedroom or sofa or something or welcome to sleep in my bed but im not ready for sex...otherwise he will spoon you, get hard and ofcourse you can and should say no whenever you dont want to have sex with anyone at any stage but it will be awkward..first time sex is awkward anyway and this just makes it more strange. be clear with him before he is there op.

category12 · 18/06/2018 19:07

Sleeping together isn't a problem. Unless it's crap and goes wrong or doesn't feel right somehow and then you're stuck with him staying over for the weekend.

Wenospeak · 18/06/2018 19:22

Yes have a way out if you need it

Barbaro · 18/06/2018 20:04

Dunno, I went to a hotel with my partner the first weekend we were together. I'm sure he expected sex, but I said once we were in bed that I didn't want to, not on our first weekend away. I had my reasons but I didn't tell him until a while later. He was fine with it and didn't mind just cuddling and kissing. If he's a good guy, he'll be fine with it.

SeaCabbage · 18/06/2018 20:08

Why do you want to have sex with him so soon?

I have before laid out the rules before a visit and said you will be sleeping in the spare room. But I meant it. I think that is fair enough because then you can both relax because you know what's going on.

But you seem to be even sending mixed messages to yourself! Decide what you want and if you don't want to share a bed then tell him. It sounds like if you share a bed then you will want to have sex with him. If you are ok with that then fine. But are you?

Original poster
LoveAtFirstSight · 18/06/2018 20:57

I think that once i see him again im going to want to have sex with him... If it wasnt for lack of opportunity it probably would have happened after our first date, the chemistry and desire to was definitely there.

I really do think if i said i didnt want to yet he would be completely fine with it, i know it sounds crazy and i cant rationally know this yet, but really do think hes in for the long haul...

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 20/06/2018 00:19

I really do think if i said i didnt want to yet he would be completely fine with it

Lots of rape survivors would have said the same.

LimeCheesecaker · 20/06/2018 12:00

NotTheFordType What the actual fuck

What are you suggesting here?

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