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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I overreacting?

52 replies

EmmaJ789 · 18/06/2018 14:51

I was using the pc without realising I was on hubby’s log on. I came across erotic stories he’d been reading. This didn’t bother me I know he’s looked at them before and although I’ve tried to keep our sex life going I am 35 weeks pregnant now and slowing down so we were having sex once a week until last week. I was interested to see what he’d been reading so I looked at his browser history and then came across last month he had viewed 2 teen porn videos. I’m really struggling with this mostly because it’s the ‘teen’ thing. I know the girls are usually consenting age but he actively wanted to look at teenage girls in my opinion. We will have 2 daughters and it bothers me that he’s looking at girls made to look like teens. I also being pregnant am not feeling overly confident about the weight I’ve gained and for him to be looking at skinny young girls makes me feel I’m not enough. Nor will I be because no one’s getting any younger. When I asked him about it he lied and said it was a pop up from the erotic stories but this wasn’t true. Later on he said he was looking for some tamer porn and went on a website which came up with a lot of more ‘offensive, graphic porn’ like anal which he’s disgusted by so he scrolled to the nearest thing that might have been tamer which he thought would be teen. He says he’s never looked before but I’m struggling to trust him and I find I odd that the first thing he went to is teen which on this website was in alphabetical order and near the bottom. Surely there were other more gentle categories?! I don’t know what to do or how to feel or if I will want to be confidently intimate with his again. But we have a toddler and a baby on the way and I don’t know what to do or if I’m overreacting! He’s the most brilliant husband in every sense so this has really thrown me and made me wonder if I know him at all.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 18/06/2018 16:44

I'd struggle with that as well.
I really don't know what to suggest.
You are pretty vulnerable right now.
Has he said anything about not doing it again?
What is HIS solution for the situation HE has created here?

DaffoDeffo · 18/06/2018 16:55

I wouldn't like it either but I also think people watch/read porn stories that have nothing to do with what they like in real life. What turns someone on in their head or in front of a video is very very different to real life.

if he is brilliant in every way, I would just write it off tbh but it would make me feel uncomfortable for a bit and I agree with hellsbells, he needs to make it up to you in some way

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 18/06/2018 17:32

It’s a common fantasy. ‘Teen’ is pretty tame compared to some stuff out there!

But if you’re not happy with it, by all means speak to him.

Most people who watch porn flit around between different themes and categories, doesn’t mean they’re into that thing in real life. I wouldn’t be bothered at all if OH had watched something like that. But I’m not you. And if you’re feeling insecure about it, I’d hope that at a stage where you’re serious and having kids you felt able to have an open and honest discussion about it.

Not great that he lied though tbh. Though maybe he felt like he couldn’t be honest for fear of your response and just panicked and tried to pretend. Either way you need to talk.

Tangled59 · 18/06/2018 17:35

I get why it would make you feel insecure but....fantasies are just fantasies you know?

Footballmumofthefuture · 18/06/2018 17:36

Teen is a no from me having a girl too.

Theleftparing · 18/06/2018 17:37

He lied because he knew how you would react, I suspect.

Leave him be.. He can watch anything legal he likes.

Your insecurities are YOUR problem to deal with.

despair of how controlling some women are. You behaving like this will not prevent him looking at porn. What it will do is ensure he doesn't tell you about it.
I can't begin to imagine policing my DH viewing or reading habits nor him mine.

Footballmumofthefuture · 18/06/2018 17:37

Fantasies are on thing. Fantasies about teenage girls are another.

Theleftparing · 18/06/2018 17:38

Oh behave.

Seriously?

Watching a bit of 18 year olds having sex is not dodgy .

Tangled59 · 18/06/2018 17:39

@Footballmumofthefuture
You sound like hard work.

Footballmumofthefuture · 18/06/2018 17:40

It's icky! Each to their own!

Footballmumofthefuture · 18/06/2018 17:41

@Tangled59
Or maybe I have standards Hmm

Tangled59 · 18/06/2018 17:41

@Footballmumofthefuture
So in your head your husband watches two 18 year olds shagging and this means he may at some point try and get it on with your daughter? Get a grip!

Theleftparing · 18/06/2018 17:44

Its not each to their own though for you is it, footballmum?

You are passing judgement.

Footballmumofthefuture · 18/06/2018 17:44

Bit far fetched that conclusion. I think you need to get a grip, getting all high and mighty over someone elses valid opinion.

No it wouldn't sit right with me. I don't agree with a grown man getting off on teenagers.

I can't see how you would find that strange.

Theleftparing · 18/06/2018 17:45

You don't have to agree to it.

It's got fuck all to do with you what other people , including your partner, wank to.

Footballmumofthefuture · 18/06/2018 17:46

Yeah I'm passing judgement on him because it's a thread about him. I'm not jumping down other PP throats like they are me.

Footballmumofthefuture · 18/06/2018 17:47

It's got fuck all to do with you what other people , including your partner, wank to.

Wrong I have every right to be put out by my partner wanking to teenage girls.

Tangled59 · 18/06/2018 17:48

This reply has been deleted

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TokenBritPoshOfCourse · 18/06/2018 17:49

I’m not a porn apologist at all, if it’s a hard line in your marriage then he should respect that.

But the teen thing is being spun out of context, honestly have a look on the home page of one of the porn sites and the titles are all horrific. You’d be hard pressed to find anything that isn’t called something really gross, even if it’s really quite tame.

It absolutely does not mean he gets his rocks off to teenagers.

Footballmumofthefuture · 18/06/2018 17:49

Oh for god sake. I'm not going to de-rail this person friend to argue with people who want me to change my opinion on it.

TokenBritPoshOfCourse · 18/06/2018 17:50

‘Teen babysitter fucks stepdad’ is likely to be straight vanilla porn for eg.

(I used to use porn with DH fairly often, I don’t anymore for ethical reasons).

Jeni29 · 18/06/2018 17:50

You do know him, but during pregnancy your emotions blow everything out of proportion. I feel quite embarrassed by some of the things I went OTT about but it was all genuine at the time. Having said that though, I don’t think your overreacting it not being comfortable with it or you being insecure.
I’m very confident with my OH and trust him 100% but I don’t like him window shopping anything and he knows this.

Footballmumofthefuture · 18/06/2018 17:52

Thread

LiteraryDevil1 · 18/06/2018 17:54

@Footballmumofthefuture I suspect it is because you do have standards Smile

OP I understand how you feel and I'd feel the same but I also agree with what a pp said about what someone watches as porn doesn't relate to what they like IRL. I've watched stuff that I definitely don't want to engage in in real life but still get turned on by it Blush

I know people wAtch porn, and I've watched it (when single) but I'll be honest and say I'd feel uncomfortable if my partner was doing it especially when pregnant and feeling like you do at 35 weeks pregnant. Have a chat to him and tell him how you feel.

Footballmumofthefuture · 18/06/2018 17:55

@LiteraryDevil1 thanks Grin

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