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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

still struggling - emotional affair

63 replies

Pelagia21 · 18/06/2018 00:47

Don't know what to say. Some of you told me to leave and I'm still here with him. Trying counselling but not going too well. Just read yet another thread about an emotional affair and all the fall out and pain and thought "yes... tell me about it... I could have written that."
Went to see a solicitor and had decided to leave but then so difficult. He was so upset and remorseful.
Going to Relate but early days with that.
Meanwhile so difficult and today I feel like packing in.
I said i would try and forgive and move on and I have.. it was ok for a short while but ups and downs and last week has been awful.
He says it's my fault as I won't forgive and keep asking questions .. which, yes I do. On going discussion around this and I can't win. I feel he is trying to control my feelings and reactions and counsellor picked upon this.
To clarify .. the affair with OW is over but.. they work together everyday and he still gets a lift home at least once a week. He said he would stop but no.. now he says stuff like "For heaven's sake.. what does it matter/ I've told you it's over ... back to how it was /... I get tired.. what do you expect me to do?" what good is it doing me mentioning stuff / thought we'd moved on...."
I'm mentally weary and cried most of today as I've tried to keep the family going. His parting shots before he went to bed really hurt me.
I give up.I feel like the bad guy .. again.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/06/2018 18:10

Christ, why are you still there ?

He doesn't give a shit about you. Your counsellor has his number.

Original poster
Pelagia21 · 18/06/2018 20:10

The comment about loving the children more than me I find very strange - just not a thing you would ever say or think. I havent spoken to him about it yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pelagia21 · 18/06/2018 23:04

I'm so upset . He has ignored me all evening. I don't know how he is going to explain it.

OP posts:
category12 · 18/06/2018 23:55

He's not trying to make this work, OP. He's not trying at all.

Give it up. It's done.

Fontella · 19/06/2018 00:16

He's getting lifts with the woman he had an ongoing emotional affair with over several months, that he kissed at the very leastst, and he won't hear a word against her ... and you are the one feeling like the bad guy?

I thought I'd read it all on Mumsnet, but this just about takes the biscuit. He's getting lifts with her, is still friends with her, and defends her while telling you to move on, get over it and making you feel like the unreasonable one.

And she's pregnant by her husband who has absolutely no clue as to what she's been up to. He's oblivious, the two 'lovers' are still best buddies and work colleagues and are sharing lifts together and the only one suffering and hurting here is YOU!

He a cruel, selfish, cheating arsehole OP and you are allowing yourself to be treated like shit by him.

Hausfullofgrls · 19/06/2018 00:44

He's gaslighting you. Leave.

AsleepAllDay · 19/06/2018 04:55

The only person who should be feeling embarrassed and ashamed is the man who is detaching from his family and fannying about with an OW. he's not even trying

IsaidMrDarcynotArsey · 19/06/2018 05:46

They are living on their own little perfect planet ... where they are the guardians of all the pertinent information. Into the bargain they have been doing this for months so their timeline is leagues apart from where you find yourself in the process. Nothing that comes to light are new facts for them and they still control the down stream feed to you - no wonder you feel like you are trailing in the chase for resolution. Are you sure that he is not just stringing you along so that he can control exit finances? Is he one of those chaps who thinks he’s cleverer than every body else in the process? Absolute Cheeky Fuckery to get lifts home with her - more front than Harrods imo. I wonder if this is because she is stealthily arranging a beneficial financial exit from her marriage too? Whilst keeping up appearances for her Husband - alarm klaxons may sound for him especially if she has to announce that “ Fred “ ( plucked from the ether for example ) has had to make other transport arrangements at Pelagia’s behest. Currently if she drops his name accidently or one of his possessions turn up in the car she can still say “oh yes - when I gave him a lift on ( whatever day ) “ From the outside it appears to me his words were saying one thing, but his actions another right up to the comment about loving the kids more. Cruel and unnecessary imo : he slipped up there! Is this lady materialistic and are there benefits to her Husband being on the “ Mushroom Programme” , kept in the dark and topped up with fresh bullshit ? Does she want a stress free/or is this a high risk, pregnancy? Will they make a move when the child arrives safely? Do you know the Husband ? is he likely to be an especially violent or volitile recipient of this news? Is he not going to know what’s hitting him until the wagons are circled ? The husband is not agonising, they are not agonising on Planet Perfect - where they are free to be in each other’s company at work. Just you whose actions make up 25 per cent of the group shouldering 100 percent of the burden it seems to me - a bonafide stranger on the internet. Has Fred deleted the message/paper trail - if you still have data copies - get it out of the house to a place of safety. If you are famous for your politeness - do you think this will be used against you ? Are you sure you are not just being “managed’ whilst he is getting his ducks in a row? You have to take action calmly not be a reactor as that would add fuel to the “ mad woman “ defence. I hope you attain the conclusion that you wish for, However I would quietly be making my own arrangements, so that if it all goes tits up you aren’t sideswiped and trying to play catch up with no resources cos he’s been silently siphoning stuff to work in his bag/case a bit at a time. The trouble is we judge others by our own standards - and Fred has already displayed that there is a definite disparity in your approaches to this situation. Have some unMumsnetty hugs Flowers Ask your self exactly who benefits from things being the way the are in relation to this developing situation ? I would be letting her Husband in on the relationship dynamic too ! Personally, I could not aide and abet the deceit. In the interest of full disclosure - I am a scab picker, a blister popper, and a plaster “ripper off-er” though. I wouldn’t be hobbled by politeness. I would shining the brightest light I could muster on this festering situation for cleansing purposes. I totally get this might not be your Modus Operandi, and I respect that. I wish you a positive outcome Pelagia.

whiteroseredrose · 19/06/2018 06:06

It really is time to call it a day. Mediation is when both want to make the marriage work but need changes. He isn't bothered so you're flogging a dead horse. I think it's time to get a good solicitor.

FinallyHere · 19/06/2018 07:44

Sorry to read what you are going through, Pelagia21

Sounds to me as if he is trying to make your life so unhappy that you will end it. He is certainly not trying to help you get over it. Sorry, but the sooner you take control and end it, the better for you and the DC.

Original poster
Pelagia21 · 19/06/2018 08:31

Your answers amaze me and i so wish i could read them all out to him and say everything ... But usually he interrupts, gets cross, confuses me. For example, the other day i asked "does her husband know she gives you a lift?" I often get questions i want to ask even though "its all over now". Anyway he got cross. I expect the answer to be yes, no or don't know. He said stuff like "what the f..k does it matter. It's. Irrelevant" and so on. Then he will tell me to stop telling him what yo say. He is nigh on impossible to discuss with. I feel like I have no mental energy left. He has just sent a rubbish text trying to justify his hurtful comment. I'm ignoring it but one part of me wants to answer and say some of the things youve all said. But this pattern has been going on for months. i have counselling soon just for me. I want to tell him it's over. I feel like going "way out west" but I can't

OP posts:
category12 · 19/06/2018 08:48

Why don't you just tell him it's over? Text him.

Original poster
Pelagia21 · 19/06/2018 09:03

I was just thinking of doing that.
Last time i told him he went to pieces as well as angry. I said i would try and forgive and we agreed to counselling. But already he is reverting to type after being nice for a few weeks. He is usually ok for a few weeks and this has always been the pattern. This affair was a final straw but it is the ongoing way he treats me - down the years and lack of respect and controlling behaviour. It's taken it's toll.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pelagia21 · 19/06/2018 09:07

Mr Darcey (sorry ive abbrv. name)
You articulate so well. I think you are a man and you explain it as it is and yes i am a bit weak . I wish you could have a word with my husband. I give up. Sorry

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 19/06/2018 09:10

Have you threatend to leave? Because that would be my next move, for sure. See how he reacts.

FinallyHere · 19/06/2018 10:44

By all means threatend to leave but please don't play this card without all your ducks in a row and some plan in place. If you 'threaten' once, and then back down, you have given away any power that gives you.

There is no rush, start to gather your information, from reliable, trusted sources. Have a look at the freedom program, it's really useful across a wide range of relationships. Gather information on his / the family's income and expenditure, and assets (pension, house, cars etc) and find out what benefits would be available and start to think about how you might manage on your own.

You do not have to do anything, just find out the facts. Knowledge is indeed power, all the best.

Original poster
Pelagia21 · 19/06/2018 11:05

I did start this process and went to see a solicitor but i only recently told him. I'm usually to scared to tell him because of how he reacts. I want to return now and ask for letter to be sent. He just completely minimises the whole thing and puts all the expectations on me. But i think he knows ive had enough now.

OP posts:
Elsi3 · 19/06/2018 11:19

I am totally gobsmacked at this man's gall.

Please leave this man. You will be so, so much happier without him. Not at first, but in time.

I really feel for you. x

dirtybadger · 19/06/2018 11:35

I agree with a PP. It really sounds like he doesnt want to be with you and is actively trying to make you leave him...granted you actually taking steps might be freaking him out and giving him doubts. But it honestly doesnt sound like he wants to continue. Fuck him! Is he even treating you like he likes you? LTB.

Ellenisia · 19/06/2018 12:01

All these threads about emotional affairs- don’t know if I feel better knowing that I’m not the only one or worse seeing that it is much more common than we think...

I remember seeing your original thread, OP. I am going through a very similar situation, for about as long as you. I am trying, really trying, but we have 2-3 weeks of peace and things are really good, and then I see that he phones her outside of work hours or she sends him a message along the lines of “you make me want to act unprofessional... 😋😋😋” which I find revolting. In fairness, he doesn’t respond in the same way, but I know it takes two to tango. They also work together and she is the one who was being chauffeured everywhere until I put my foot down and I said no more driving her around.

I don’t have any helpful advice- just lots of empathy for you from someone who is going through something very similar. I saw a solicitor last December but wasn’t impressed... I was recommended a SHL here at MN a couple of weeks ago and I’m seeing him next week. I can’t carry on like this... it’s been almost a year and although I am stronger both physically (lost 4st and 5 dress sizes in the process and became a gym nut/runner) and emotionally, I have lost my husband and I have to come to terms with that.

Flowers to you x

Original poster
Pelagia21 · 19/06/2018 12:25

Thank you for all your messages.
Ellenisia has he said it is over and do you believe it to be true.I believe it is over in one sense but the way he is about het and the fact he works with he is difficult. Its the fall out and the way he treats me. He can be good and said sorry and that he lives me. He says he regrets it but then continues to talk with her and get lifts and then treat me horribly! They are best friends at work / trust partners. When i challenge him on anything or ask a question he nearly always goes defensive. When he has answered and reassured me i feel better. He just doesn't get it. He is such hard work. He is full of contradictions and seems to have become so self absorbed. And his job doesn't help with all the stress that he can't handle. I saw them in car together other day and my blood was boiling! But as he says it's only a lift! I have to tell you he can still get home without lift from her! It just bugs me and he could have done it / given up lifts to show me he meant it!

OP posts:
Ellenisia · 19/06/2018 13:05

I’m at work right now, hon- will tell you my experience shortly..

AsleepAllDay · 19/06/2018 13:39

It's not over between them. For the two of you, perhaps, but he's still hanging on to her. Let them go

Original poster
Pelagia21 · 19/06/2018 15:33

I also definitely think he's hanging on to her, even if he won't admit it to himself.

OP posts:
MonkeysAndPuzzles1 · 19/06/2018 16:10

He's really not bothered about your relationship, sorry. It's horrible but the longer you wait for him the worse you'll feel I suspect.