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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend being a dick or reasonable

39 replies

Blackbird25 · 17/06/2018 23:48

Moved house 5 days ago I’ve had a migraine due to stress of it all and new job. Partners stressed as he’s working over time
In the evenings and weekends to save a client. I’ve hardly un packed until today although have been doing a bit each evening like half a box. I have also booked Tuesday off to crack on some more. As I’ve started a new job I’ve been knackered when i come home as well as making dinner. Partner gets home to late to really start cooking in the evenings. We are surrounded by boxes. I have way more boxes than him I admit that I will. He’s getting stressed out and can’t see why everything isn’t all away. when I say you haven’t done anything he keeps saying he hasn’t had time as he’s working which is true he’s currently working now. Am I not allowed some rest after work. He also keeps moving my stuff like today I had my foundation on the bathroom shelf he placed it on the floor so he could shave even though there’s plenty of other spaces to put. He hates things being on the window sill I had put a glass there as I had boxes on my side of the bed and didn’t want to knock it over. He put it on the floor said it can’t be on the window sill. I said just for one night until my bedside table turns up. He kept saying no as apparently it will become a habit of leaving it on the window sill. I put it back up there he said if I do it again he will throw the glass out the window. I said you wouldn’t do that to our new glasses so he did. And then told my I told him to do it. I don’t think this kind of behaviour is normal we got into an argument I started crying and hyper ventilating and was gagging as I couldn’t breathe or calm down he just told me to go upstairs as I’ve ruined his work I’m so upset he’s never been like this before we just brought a house together. I’m in bed crying

OP posts:
SuperLoudPoppingAction · 17/06/2018 23:55

That's rotten for you.
Throwing things out the window definitely tips him over into dick category.

chocomomma · 17/06/2018 23:57

is being a dick 100% sounds like hes very controlling op, hows the rest of the relationship?

RitaMad · 18/06/2018 00:01

He threw a glass out the window?!

My ex was controlling in this way. The hyperventilating and gagging is very familiar - and you have to wonder what exactly is so special about a man who makes you feel this way. There is no winning with somebody like this and it will make you ill.

Have you lived together before?

Singlenotsingle · 18/06/2018 00:03

He's OcD isn't he?

Pressuredrip · 18/06/2018 00:06

Oh dear. Most of the post didn't sound too concerning just normal high stress of moving and work and to be expected. But him throwing the glass is way OTT and not normal or acceptable at all. Did he at least to and brush it up? Was it in the street or your garden? Very aggressive behaviour, I hope you are ok.

Graphista · 18/06/2018 00:11

How long have you been together?

Am I right you've bought a house together WITHOUT having lived together previously?

Yea he's being a dick bordering on abusive, but I suspect you've both rushed into this!

As for the OCD conment - I'm dx with OCD - doesn't make me behave like a dick!

TheVanguardSix · 18/06/2018 00:18

That glass throwing is a really bad sign.

Did you unpack the box of eggshells yet? Because mark my words, you'll spend your years walking upon them with a man like this.

Listen to your doubts OP. Your doubts and the questions borne of them are worth taking time to deliberate over.
How long have you been together?

butterfly56 · 18/06/2018 00:22

Oh dear OP.
This does not sound good.
IME it just gets worse and very quickly.
He sounds like a complete control freak and a nasty piece of work.
You will be walking on egg shells around this man.
He is immediately trying the coercion and control using the slightest excuse to dominate.
I would not unpack another box until you have a serious talk with him about what the hell he thinks he's playing at with this nasty behaviour.
Good Luck OP Flowers

Pandora79 · 18/06/2018 05:59

Right up until throwing the glass, I didn't think it sounded that bad.

The, when me and exh moved house, whoever was working less (at the time) would do most of the unpacking and neither of us got much down time whilst the house was being unpacked.

But the throwing glasses out of the window is not on. It's not a good sign for the future, at all.

Wenospeak · 18/06/2018 06:51

Have you lived together before? It sounds like he is going to have trouble accepting having your stuff around.

To throw a glass out of the window is over the top. What a bully.

Beaverhausen · 18/06/2018 06:55

Oh he is being a momentous dick! You need to put your foot down or he is going to get worse and worse.

What a petuchalent little child he is.

Wenospeak · 18/06/2018 07:00

How can you relax in your own home if you have to worry where you put the odd thing?

nellly · 18/06/2018 07:16

Moving and buying a house is incredibly stressful, up until throwing the glass it seemed like normal bickering post move. I would be annoyed if we hadn't really started unpacking after 5 days even if we were both to blame.

He shouldn't have thrown a glass out of the window but your reaction seems very extreme as well, if you were distressed to the point of gagging that's obviously very upset.

What does he think now the moment is over

Iceswan · 18/06/2018 07:34

You explained why you wanted to keep it on the window sill for one night and he said no because it will become a habit?!

This is weird he's not your parent.

He expects everything to have been unpacked even though you've been working. Yes you are allowed to rest after work and migraines will stop everything.

So it's all unreasonable. Have you lived together before this?

Somethingsfallendown · 18/06/2018 07:38

Dear OP who the hell does he think he is?! Yes he's being a dick. This hasn't started well and don't think it will end well sorry to say. Unless he's going to change his attitude you will be controlled as doesn't seem as though you can give as good as you get and who wants a relationship that is a constant battle anyway.? Maybe you usually stand up for yoursrlf but yr too exhausted at the moment? Apart from that-been there and its exhausting-fighting against someone who is trying to control you- one continuos power battle. I'd seriously consider yr situation. This could go on for years thats why I'm suggesting you consider this now. Should be a fun time starting out but he appears to be making it and you miserable. You sound shell shocked as if you have never seen this side if him.Hope you have some friends/ family in rl to confide in. Agree with another poster that he's a bully. Flowers

Hissy · 18/06/2018 07:43

Move back out. Seriously. Today if poss

Use your day off to settle somewhere else, do not stay with this man.

He’s an abusive and controlling prick.

He won’t ever change, will only get worse. Trust me.

AgathaF · 18/06/2018 08:03

Horrible controlling behaviour. Have you been with him long? Is he controlling in other areas?

Suebnm · 18/06/2018 08:08

You say you've just bought a house with your boyfriend - is it in joint names?

ferrier · 18/06/2018 08:11

For the glass - he's either a dick or he's very very stressed.

For the ocd, if that is what it is rather than him being controlling, you need to between you set some parameters. Compromises if you can. Thay doesnt mean meet him all the way, it means meet him half way. E.g. you don't put things on the windowsill but he finds somewhere better than the floor.

You both need to chill out about the unpacking. If he can't see reason about that then it doesn't bode well.

TERFragetteCity · 18/06/2018 08:14

Is this house rented? If so, don't unpack and move out.

Blackbird25 · 18/06/2018 13:12

Has is brought he’s never been like this at all he gets a bit ocd when works stressful at the moment he’s saving a client if the client goes people loose jobs. he was working until 1 last night. I’ve always been a bad at crying always hyperventilate constantly but last night was really bad. The glass didn’t break thank God. We have a letter stating we each get back what we put in. Im Not sure what to think he’s apologised this morning and is going to house sit at my parents this week on his own so he can work in peace from home. I’m staying at the old house due to getting to work hopefully this helps I witnessed my mum go through all this stuff so am really on edge and ready to leave if I need to

OP posts:
dundermiflin · 18/06/2018 13:19

So he's stressed with work and has decided you're his punching bag.
I would leave this relationship op. Life is stressful sometimes. He be blaming you and smashing glasses when things don't go his way.
Throw him back in, there's plenty more.

dundermiflin · 18/06/2018 13:19

*can't be blaming you

RecliningHenderson · 18/06/2018 13:20

Run like the wind.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 18/06/2018 13:24

[he] is going to house sit at my parents this week on his own so he can work in peace from home

Hang on, having little kids around means you need to work in peace, not your DP.

He thinks you’re a stupid kiddie and is treating you like such. I hope you’ve not
a) bought and
b) have a break clause in your rental contract

This man is not for you. When someone shows you who they are, pay attention.