Am I being selfish?

[MrsBrown28]

Yeah basically that. I'm desperate for baby no.3. It's all I think about. We have an 11 year old and a 5 year old already who of course are my absolute world. We both work full time. We're comfortable (financially) and we have our home, good supportive families. I'm 29 my husband is 30 and I just think things are so good at the moment that I'd love to add to our family. My husband started out saying nope never gonna happen so I had resigned myself to the fact we weren't going to have anymore. More recently a family member found out she was pregnant and my husband then said "we could have another one day" knowing I would LOVE another which of course sent my mind into over drive and now it's all I think about. Then my husband said not for another 10+ years.... erm I don't think so punk I'm not having a baby into my 40s. Then he said maybe in a few years. I feel like he's playing with my head knowing how much I want it. When we had our oldest I felt like we had just got a bit of freedom back and then we decided to start all over again when We has our youngest. I don't wanna do that again, i want another but not in 3/4 years when our kids are off hand and we have our life back. I know when our circle of friends start having children my husband will feel differently but I don't wanna wait. I don't understand what we need to wait for!? Am I being unreasonable in not wanting to wait? I just don't want to spend my entire life bringing up children as we started so young I don't want massive age gaps so they have nothing in common etc every time I even begin to mention a baby he just says "not yet" or "I'm just not ready yet" I don't understand what's not to be ready about we already have everything

Have you explained any of this to him?

@Gruffalina72 yep he just says "I'm not having this conversation I'm not ready" or he throws in a joke like we can have another baby in 300 years

If he isn't ready I suppose you can't force him into it. I get being frustrated and you could always sit down with him and ask him for a straight up answer no bull crap tell him you want a straight up yes or no because you feel like he's playing you.

But if you are thinking of going down the tricking him route of "ooppss I accidentally got pregnant" I wouldn't it could end badly.

Sounds like he just doesn’t want any more and is trying to let you down gently.

He’s not ready. Simple as that. As harsh as it sounds- its true.

You have a couple of options:

1. Accept it and realise you have been blessed twice over, when some people aren’t even that lucky.

2. Leave him and have a baby with someone else or on your own

3. ‘accidentally’ get pregnant- could potentially end very badly, not just for you but for your current and future children.

You can try and ask him why, might give you a better understanding?

It's quite obvious that he isn't sure and hasn't yet made his mind up. He is entitled to feel the way that he does.

If the way he mentions it is upsetting you, then tell him that you don't want to hear 'maybe and to shut up about it unless he has decided he wants one.

Being ready isn't just about finances. Some people just don't want 3. Or 4 or even 2.

But I think you need to accept it's probably not going to happen. Then you need to decide what that means for you.

I'm more pissed that I resigned myself to the fact that he didn't want anymore and that was final which I would live with because he's my husband and I love him but HE brought it up by saying "we could have another" when I had left it well alone. I'd never get pregnant by "accident" knowing it's not something he wants at the moment and o certainly wouldn't leave him for someone else. I just want a bloody answer none of this we could have another in 10 years then a week later we could have another in 3/4 years. He says I do want another just not yet which is fine just cut the shit and stop playing around with me giving me diff time scales and if he's being serious with the 10 years that's a def no go for me

He has always said nope never gonna happen which I had accepted but when HE said "we could have another one day" made me think oh ok there's a bit of hope here otherwise i would have respected his decision if he was absolutely adamant it was not something he wanted to do again

I know I must sound like I'm ranting but he will not discuss any further than "I'm not ready yet" and he doesn't understand why I'm confused when he has gone from never, to yeah In 10 years and then again to 3/4 years. If he would sit down and talk to me then I'd happily listen to what he wants and how he feels but he just will not discuss anything and if he doesn't want any more then that's something I'll have to accept but not when he is getting my hopes up, it's cruel

Did you both explicitly plan the first two?

@NotTakenUsername the first wasn't planned the 2nd was. His mum had 2 older him and his sister and then went on to have another 12 years later which I'm thinking he is aiming for

Yes you are being selfish. Unless the 3rd child is explicitly agreed to by both parents, it's a no go. Do not get pregnant by 'accident', this is the worst form of manipulation and deceit and will surely destroy your marriage.

If he is saying 3-4 years, why don’t you compromise and suggest 2 years. Discuss realistically how this would work for you and your family.

Is he always like this about discussing things? It doesn't sound very reasonable to just say you're not discussing it and that's the end of the matter.

@m0vinf0rward as mentioned above I would NEVER get pregnant "accidentally" and I had not mentioned having another baby when he said it was something he didn't want until he said "we could have another baby"

@Shoxfordian yep always. It's his way or the highway on absolutely everything and if he doesn't agree he doesn't want to hear it. That could be anything from what we're having for dinner to having a baby

@Wenospeak I'm all for compromise but he will not discuss it at all. He just says I've told you not yet I don't know what else you want me to say and there's nothing to discuss until I'm ready

Then I think you may have deeper issues than this with your dynamic

I'm not unreasonable. I'm all for sitting down compromising and discussing things and I had completely resigned myself to the fact that we was done having children UNTIL he said "we could have another baby" I'm not forcing him or pressuring him into something I know he doesn't want. I had completely come to terms with the fact he didn't want anymore until he mentioned it knowing it is something I would want

@Quartz2208 you're probably right although he will never change that, his mother is exactly the same

Are you sure you want another child with him when he's like this ? Are you happy in your marriage because it's not right that he acts like that

m0vinf0rward Your post is incredibly unfair.

Op, I have no advice. He was really unkind to dangle this as an option when you had resigned yourself to accept you were finished.

Actually, I would suggest you decide when is the latest you will be happy to have another child. Give him this information very clearly, and then leave it at that.

Eg, “I respect your right to say no to a child right now, equally I hope you respect my right to have a ‘cut off’ point of when I am no longer willing to go through another pregnancy. So the options are that we have or third child before or we go back to the original plan of finishing our family at two children. But I need to be clear that I will not be having another child any older than .”

That is not a discussion. Or a negotiation. That is providing him with clear information. It is setting your boundaries and getting away from this really questionable dynamic where he feels he gets the final say in if and when you will grow another child for the family.

You have stated your boundaries and beyond that it is up to him to decide between the two options you have offered and you must be willing to accept that either is a possibility right now.

I don’t need to say, but the one thing you can’t guarantee is to get your last baby in your preferred timescale. Both parties always have the right to say, ‘no more kids’.

@NotTakenUsername thank you so much for your comments I'm definitely going to think about the latest I'm willing to have a child and give him that age. Where we go from there is up to him. I was so excited when he said we could have another baby and then he as good as took it back

I completely understand. It was really thoughtless.

Even if he says he's not ready, he could at least hear you out