Should I tell him how I feel, or just say goodbye and walk away?

[falleninlove]

In summary:

We are both divorced. I have no children. His are all adults plus a couple of grandchildren.

We have been “seeing” each other for 18 months. Things happened very fast in the beginning and then he backed off and wanted to just keep things casual.

He is emotionally unavailable. A total textbook example. And he has admitted that he is.

We are long distance, so meetings are not often but are 24/7 intensive, but when they do happen we do get on wonderfully well.

In between visits we communicate by email, just chatting about life in general – sometime he goes days without replying but eventually reappears. He has never gone AWOL, but we only meet on his terms and when he chooses.

He is the love of my life and because of this, in the beginning, I was prepared to accept what little he was offering and on his terms. This has resulted in a massive erosion of my self esteem – a slow and agonizing process to the point where it has made me depressed.

I now accept that this is completely unhealthy and despite my depth of feelings for him I know I CANNOT allow myself to spend the rest of my life living in limbo like this.

I have geared myself up to walk away on a number of previous occasions but have never taken the plunge and gone through with it. I have now finally got a grip and am determined to force myself to do this, and so I have got myself a new job on another continent, which will start in a couple of months. He does not know yet.

As part of explaining why I am moving so far away, I want to tell him how I feel, including how he has shattered my heart into a thousand pieces and that I hurt so much that I cry for hours on end.

Should I do this? Or do I just drop a casual note just saying I’ve got a new job.I want some closure for myself over the whole thing, but I have no idea how to get this without saying anything to him.

WWYD? All advice welcome. Including well deserved slaps for parking my life for 18 months.

Just tell him he is an asset and you are offski. Don't tell him he has shattered you. Just that he has punched below his belt.
I had something similar it wasn't easy. I just dumped him.
Congratulations on your new life. You don't need time wasters like him around.

Is anyone else wondering if he is actually divorced or is he just telling you that? Have you met any of his children or friends? What proof have you seen that he is actually divorced? The way he behaves isn’t normal for a relationship. Are you sure he’s divorced? Are you sure he’s not dating other people?
I wouldn’t bare my soul to this man. I have a feeling there’s more going on here than you actually know. If it’s intense for 24/7 then why isn’t he showing more effort? You should want somebody who wants you. He clearly doesn’t.
Congratulations on your new job. Don’t give him the opportunity to talk you out of it. This is your big new adventure. Own it. Don’t contact him again. Throw yourself into your new life. If he messages you then take a few days to respond. Then simply say “No thank you. I need more than this from a relationship. I deserve somebody who wants more than just being casual. I’m not even 100% sure you are even truly divorced” then just leave it.

Normally i would say tell him, as no one wants what ifs but in this situation i think im leaning towards just going without any kind of goodbye.
Might sound harsh and some would say leaves you without closure, but tbh i think in these types of situations we are responsible for providing our own closure.
Even if he did this to you unintentionally (got involved then realised he wasnt emotionally available for a relationship) i think at his age (due to his personal situation of adult children etc) im assuming he is old enough to have semblence of self awareness about his wants/needs/emotional capability prior to either of you becoming emotionally involved. So bearing that in mind i wouldnt trust him not to do the same thing again if you do pour it all out prior to leaving.
I think if you explained honestly why you are leaving he would go into panic mode (hes used to your availability and all be it restricted part in his life) and try to convince you to stay. Lets face it if he recipricated your level of attachment he wouldve realised this by now, so im concerned that if he began to tell you all the things you wanted to hear it would be agonising for you at this stage. And then once he had you back in place im no doubt he would go back to the 'im not able to do this' line.
On the other hand if he did do the right thing, was honest that he wasnt able to offer what you want and deserve and simply wished you well(which judging by the fact he has been happy with you situation so far even while knowing you feel and want more) it may crush you further.
I would work towards accepting in my own head that neither of those scenarios would make me feel any better and just commit to the changes i was making to build a new life. Shut the email accont down, remove any other methods of possible contact and go.
I dont think telling him in any context and either of the above two scenarios will make any of this easier for you. God luck op.

Half way house. Tell him why you are going but don't go overboard with it.

I agree with posters who say there's likely to be a similar outcome to both - he waves you off saying thanks for the good times. It's highly unlikely he'll suddenly change his mind now, there's nothing stopping him having a proper relationship with you, if he wanted that (sounds like he doesnt at all, just sex and amusement basically).

So, you need to decide which will make you feel better. Personally, I'd rather just disappear and retain some dignity. I don't think letting him know you cry for hours over him will elicit sympathy or anything, he might just think you're a bit cray-cray to do that over emails every few days and meets every so often entirely on his terms.

I do feel for you though.

I would be tempted to tell him that you’re going, and without sentiment, that you think he wasted a chance to have something special with you. It’s a shame but you’re moving on and you wish him well. I’d want to take control of the situation (although that’s the kind of person I am!) and for my goodbye to be a very polite ‘fuck you’. That would feel like closure in a way that either disappearing or pouring out your heart would not achieve.

I'm with the brief explanation camp. You want to make some kind of statement, fair enough, but it shouldn't be abject. It's no good looking as if you're begging him to fight for you because either he won't, which is really going to do wonders for your self esteem(!), or he'll beg and cry and stuff and then, when you've given in and decided not to move after all, inevitably let it drift on again. That sort of revelation on the point of losing someone always works out in the movies, but real life goes on after the happy ending and most people, particularly when they get to the grandchild stage of life (as I have), really don't change that much.

I think you're someone who 's got a lot of love sloshing around in her which has unfortunately latched onto an unsuitable object. Loyalty is also good but it has to work both ways. You need to do the job abroad stuff - even if it doesn't work out wonderfully it'll be an experience and you'll be proud of yourself for doing it. And who knows, once you're not pouring all your emotional energy into a black hole you may meet someone who ticks the most important box of all: loving you back.

Poor you op .

He's shown you who he is by his behaviour. And he's verbally admitted to being emotionally unavailable.

Believe him. Walk away. You deserve better.

I wouldn't normally recommend ghosting; but in this case I'd give him a taste of his own medicine.

You didn't have to accept the situation, you chose to. Hopefully, you've finally decided to not accept the situation but I feel you bearing your soul is a last ditch attempt to 'get him to see', which is part of the dynamic that you've just said you wanted to end.

It was apparent relatively early on that this relationship was not what you wanted but you continued anyway and even cast him in the 'love of my life' role. Your time would be better spent ending the relationship now and working on yourself.

Walk away. No explanation. Hold your head high. It’s concerning that someone who treats you so casually is the love of your life. Maybe some therapy to explore why? I would always go for emotionally unavailable men and it was because my father was like this so I was always trying to rewrite the script. Good luck with your new job.

I have been in this exact position and accepted his terms for the exact same reason. Although we also had daily contact via text/phone calls/messenger. This was 10 years ago. I have never been through anything more heartbreaking in my life and thinking about it all still sometimes makes me feel sick. It ended when he announced via Facebook that he was in a relationship with someone else. I have never been more heartbroken in my life. It devastated me. I understand OP.

Honestly, find a middle ground. Just say goodbye and that it's been too hard and that it's not working for you. I went down the deeply undignified route and really regretted it. He actually contacted me a couple of years ago apologising for his behaviour. Then (and now) married with children I didn't respond. I couldn't risk anything and frankly he didn't deserve a response.

It WILL get better OP. Move on and be happy.

I would definitely not write any long letters. A brief email, one or two lines max, with no open questions or reasons to reply.

His ego will feel bruised and he might try to get you to stay but I would just block and delete.

Well done for working out your escape plan. It takes a lot to climb out of a pit like this and you've done it. Personally, I'd want to avoid any situation where he might reverse your decision, as even if he had the best intentions (which I don't think he has), it would still fall back into a pattern that doesn't make you happy. So I wouldn't have an emotional outpouring, and nor would I make it about him in a way that gives him power 'You have made me do this' or 'You have broken my heart'. Take back your own power, your choice to have stayed in the relationship and your choice now to leave. It isn't working for you to be with someone unavailable, you need and deserve a loving committed relationship so this is for the best. A few lines showing your strength - and doing this with your heart broken is incredibly strong - and saying goodbye, I'm off, in no uncertain terms. Good luck!! I bet you won't look back except with a lot of relief.

It sounds like he's still married.

TBH I would just ghost him and move on to your new job and life.

I understand why you are moving to another continent as a means to get over him by putting serious distance between you. Very good plan imo.

I hope you have wonderful adventures and you fly in your new life.

I think if you tell him all that, he’ll just think ‘thank fuck she’s off!’

I think you need to tell him for your own closure. I'd do it by email or letter though and be clear on what you want to say.

I think if you don't do that, you'll always wonder how he would have responded or if he knew the depth of your feelings.

100% truthfully, do you want to tell him all about your feelings because you are hoping that he will turn around and say he feels the same about you and begs you to stay? Because chances are that he won't. If he felt that way, he'd be behaving that way now.

One thing I've learnt over the years is to be very careful about giving your dignity away. It is a sure way to feel hurt, feel bad about yourself and it wrecks your self-esteem. So don't do it to people who won't treat you with care and respect. This guy has already shown several times that he will not treat you that way.

I think you just send him a brief email saying that you are moving away and that you wish him luck in life. And then move on.

I wouldn't tell him anything just disappear. Either response from him will make you feel bad so just ghost him and forget about him.

Why not write down how he's made you feel and then keep it until you've already moved, and started new job. If then you still want to tell him then do

I wouldn't ghost him. It's childish and unpleasant and you'd always have the 'what if' hanging over your head.

However I would scale back on any meetings. It doesn't sound as though you have a 'relationship', more that you are friends at one remove. Are you there for each other when times are really bad? Or, as seems likely, have you been there for him and he hasn't reciprocated?

I'd end it with a short note. A 'thank you for the good times but your unreachability has killed my affection for you. Best of luck in your future.'

If he is suddenly overcome with remorse, wants to apologise, or even (God forbid) wants to try again - well, he knows your email address, presumably.

I was/am in a very similar position to you. 18 month relationship where I fell head over heels in love. Also long distance and when we were together it was amazing...

but when we were apart he didn't know how to invest in the relationship. he stayed in touch, although sometimes would disappear for a few days and simply not even look at his phone. I complained so often about it and he told me I was not taking into account that he had his own life.

I ended up suffering with anxiety about this treatment. I felt so ignored and wondered what he was doing that meant he couldn't focus on me, like I was able to do with him.

I ended it via a long message a week ago.

Since then, the anxiety has disappeared. Yes, I still look for his messages (but they don't come) and everyday I check my phone less and less. I am feeling positive about the future - even though my hopes for the a future with him are dashed.

In the end, I took it more seriously than he did. that's the end of it really. When that happens, it can't last.

I would send an email explaining your reasons and get it off your chest, but in a careful way. Don't allow him to call you the crazy ex. Just explain that it isn't working for you and that you need to end it. Without that closure you might struggle to let it go.

"I feel you bearing your soul is a last ditch attempt to 'get him to see', which is part of the dynamic that you've just said you wanted to end.
"
Yep, this.

I’m sorry to say you won’t get the ending you want.

He sounds like an arse and nothing you say will help the veil fall from his eyes...

I think you should leave him with a very minimal explanation (I wouldn’t even reference I was emigrating to be honest!) and just leave him wondering

If I tell him how I feel and confess my heartbreak and hurt over how he has treated me and why I am moving on, I already know that he will NOT come back and beg me to change my mind.

Even if deep down he wants me to stay, or would like to say something even remotely personal such as how he would miss me, I know him well enough to know that he will not say a word. He never has, and never would, say anything to me that would mean admitting that he feels any sort of emotion. He equates emotion to weakness and lack of control.

The point about retaining my dignity has totally hit the spot. I am going to tell him I’m going and wish him well, and leave it at that.

Thank you to everyone for taking time to reply to me. It has been hugely helpful.

Jx