different parenting styles and giving up

[grasspigeons]

My DH and I have very different parenting styles. I can not get on board with his way at all and I don't think he is interested in trying out my way.

This creates huge tension and ive got to the point where I wondr if it would be better for this children if we separated so it was clear whose set of rules for each house. I like my husband when its just us. The kids like him.

Its just awful when some sort of 'discipline' needs to take place.

What are your different styles? Is there no way to compromise? I can't think that your children living in two homes with two completely different set of rules could be good for them. It was how my childhood was and it was awful. As a small child I just couldn't remember which rules belonged in which house and was constantly in trouble as a consequence.

that's for responding - yes, I suppose two sets of rules would be confusing.

we don't really disagree on what should happen - eg Dinner. We want everyone sat round a table eating a meal with good manners.

My DH w'ill tackle this by saying 'sit up' 'hold your knife properly' 'don't eat with your mouth open its disgusting' 'use your fork' 'don't reach for the salt' - its like a constant stream of negatives

I would tackle it by 'are you comfy like that, I think your back might ache if you sit like that?' 'you seem to be struggling, shall I help cut your food or can you manage' ' you seem to need the salt, why don't you ask for it?' and being honest I'd only tackle may 70% of the stuff

but the thing is I cant do my way if he is shouting 'sit up' over the top of me and I end up depressed and dreading meals his way.

Is there a middle ground? His way sounds really depressing, but the examples you give, while gentler also sounds a bit like my mum's, which we saw as a bit manipulative as we got older (not all - for example, it's a nice way to ask them to be polite with the salt, but when you are asking them if they are comfy, what do you do if they say yes? You don't really want to know if they are comfortable, you want them to sit up straight, and sometimes honesty is the best policy).
We don't have the perfect answer either, but have liked things like reading How To Talk So Kids Will Listen together - and also try to discuss more things in advance, as one thing is for sure, that the kids will spot and exploit any style gaps here!

I dont think either way is helpful he is just constantly on the attack and you are far to passive

Model good behaviour at the table - meal times at yours sound frankly awful

My DH think he has it sussed so wouldn't read that book.

I see what you mean about the comfy, but I was just trying to think of examples to show our different styles. - what I've actually done is got a cushion to put behind slouchers back but DH keeps moving it as it looks messy.

I've read that book and its what I try and do best I can as I thought it was a great book.

I definitely think they are exploiting gaps. I'm very low about it.

Maybe couples counselling focussing on parenting?

Couples counselling sounds good if it's an underlying issue, he sounds like he's very dismissive of you and that's not ok at all.
If it really is just the parenting styles, there are some great parenting groups, 'circle of security' ones are good, especially because they encourage you to think back to how you were brought up and what worked or didn't, how it felt, and what that means for your parenting now. I had to do mine as a tester for a volunteer group so didn't do it with DH but lots of couples did and it really helped them understand their own processes and each other.
Maybe you could get him to go if it's about a team thing or you as much as him? Good luck...

@Quartz2208 - do you feel please with that comment - talk about kicking a dog whilst its down

No and it’s interesting that you took it that way it explains a lot about your way of parenting and how you see his given how you reacted to my comment

I definitely think some counselling focusing on your parenting differences is the way forward :)

^I would tackle it by 'are you comfy like that, I think your back might ache if you sit like that?' 'you seem to be struggling, shall I help cut your food or can you manage' ' you seem to need the salt, why don't you ask for it?' and being honest I'd only tackle may 70% of the stuff

Christ, yes this is what made meals (and visits) with my mother 100% not worth it.

Why must people be awful on threads like these? The OP is looking for advice not to be told meal times sound awful. That was super helpful.

Anyway, it seems like you need a compromise approach where you both listen to one another then set out the rules and how you will be enforcing them to the kids. Your way is very indirect and passive. I can see how it would drive him nuts. But him constantly barking at the kids is equally infuriating. If the pair of you are constantly harping at them it's a wonder they actually eat. One way DH did manners was to tackle one thing at a time. Choose something but only one thing like sitting up straight. And then only that one thing can be corrected during the meal until they crack it. Let there be a reward after a whole meal without anyone needing to be corrected like ice creams or whatever.

I think i'll stick with giving up

DH wont be sitting and discussing with me, and only tackling one thing at a time. He is very happy with the way he parents.

the dinner example was largely hypothetical in that I don't try to do it the way I think it would work better because, as I said, my DH just barks over the top of me anyway. This is why I feel tense. I'm sat their silent, thinking wouldn't it be better to just offer to help?

I see maybe I am wrong about that since you all see that as passive / indirect and Notthefordtype seems scarred by her mum

If you feel silenced in your marriage you have a bigger problem. But if it's salvageable then I'd try. Would he go to couples counselling?

I have to agree with Quartz, tbh., both in her original post and then the odd way you responded to that.

There has to be a compromise, as total negativity and barking instructions isn't good, but children do need clear guidelines, not the roundabout 'maybe / possibly / perhaps way you seem to be talking to them, too.

The issue - rather than us all getting bogged down in the ins and outs of table manners though - is that you have a different way of doing things, and that he isn't prepared to have an adult conversation with you, to find a way to meet somewhere in the middle.

you all think that's passive and indirect

well you are passive and indirect - your response to conflict with your spouse is to, in your own words, "give up".

your spouse sounds like an awful bully.

I don't know SailOnSea -

He might, but I'm not sure he'd change anything as a result. But I don't know If I would either to be fair. Its quite hard to change your way of doing things!

I don't really know what it involves and what sort of solutions come out of it.

He sounds absolutely horrible - a really aggressive bully a bit like some of the posters on here.

I wrote this thread in quite a state of tears. Its in the relationship section for a reason, and its about considering leaving my marriage and I had mentioned I was depressed about the situation at home.

Thanks to those who have tried to think of some solutions or offer some useful advice, or just find our a little more with some kindness.

How old are your kids?

I'm much more like your DH, I think - I'm not sure that beating around the bush helps much with this kind of thing! Kids aren't daft - they understand that you and your DH are basically saying the same thing (correcting their table manners). They will notice that you seem more equivocal about it, which they may interpret as it being a purely optional point.

On a positive note, once you "get" the table manners thing, you can take the, anywhere and life is a lot easier, so I'm sure you'll start to have some more enjoyable mealtimes soon!

From your example, it sounds like you are both two extremes. It does sound ridiculous and stressful.

I think in the longer term your parenting will be much more effective than your H''s. The kids will learn to behave because it makes sense not because they have to.
Does your H communicate with you in the same way?
Have you told him how you feel?

I too think that your parenting style will ultimately show greater results.

Like you I followed a softly approach, one where I was happy to take my time, seemed happy to tackle a little at a time rather than bombard my children with endless demands. I set out carefully to convey how following a course of action was 8n their best interests. However this approach obscured the fact that I was instilling more than one value at any time, my objectives were not so obscured. I made it clear what my expectations were. How?

My expectations are very simple and very few. These non negotiable expectations relate exclusively to how they treat others. No name calling, hurting, stealing, murder, cruelty, telling lies, bullying, shouting, taking risks that could hurt others, no gossip, always be honest, and perhaps the most important which ensures all other values.....respect.

Everything else is negotiable, except it isn't! Because once they assimilate the right values into their thinking then having good table manners makes perfect sense to them.

I have shouted once at DS2, and a handful of times at DS2. They are 13 and 17.

OP keep at it, as you are. And yes I would leave a partner and parent on my own. Your husband is creating an oppressive joyless environment where everyone will feel self conscious, useless, unfree, and persecuted for the smallest thing. No wonder you are depress3d, you must be in a constant state of anxiety.

Reading your further responses it sounds like couples counselling really would be a good idea. For what it's worth, I'm closer to your approach and don't like your DH's... BUT even on this thread you have chosen an indirect approach to saying what you really want (asking about parenting but as you say, you see no solutions here and really want to talk about your marriage) then very quickly cast yourself immediately in a martyr / victim role ("I'll stick with giving up", "kick a dog while it's down", not actually accepting ideas as he'll never change). This is exactly the same approach that you're saying is causing issues at home.and maybe your DH also casts himself in the role of authoritatian / straight talker - it is often down to how you were brought up yourselves.

Please do get to counselling or parenting classes together, it could make a world of difference. Whether you stay together or not you need to find a way to coparent and this sounds miserable for everyone.

Minitheminx /todayissunny- thanks for reading my jumble and understanding what I was trying to convey rather than getting bogged down on the imperfect example - now I am less tearful I can think of other better examples ironically.

I think basically I don't find his way respectful and think the teen years will be lots of pushing back against it. I'm trying to model respect and support them.

I've actually had a lot of support from the SENCo, health visitor and home school link workers which he hadn't attended so I feel I am being taught great skills and leaving DH

This isn’t a parenting style issue- it’s a compatibility as a couple issue
And a communication one. Have you ever managed to communicate well with each other? What does your relationship look like when it works and is good?
Could you sit down as a couple and look at your own childhoods and see where your ways of thinking and acting come from? This is the kind of work you’d do in couple counselling- looking at patterns from your lives and where they come from. Working on better and more open communication etc. It’s not just your parenting styles that are the problem here.