different parenting styles and giving up

[grasspigeons]

My DH and I have very different parenting styles. I can not get on board with his way at all and I don't think he is interested in trying out my way.

This creates huge tension and ive got to the point where I wondr if it would be better for this children if we separated so it was clear whose set of rules for each house. I like my husband when its just us. The kids like him.

Its just awful when some sort of 'discipline' needs to take place.

You are clearly a thoughful, reflective person who understands the logic of having respect flow in all directions. I think the most valuable thing you can teach children is respect for others. You can only do this through modelling this in the ways you treat others, and most especially how you treat your children.

So many times I've seen parents shouting at their children " don't shout at me" i could cry with tears or cry with laughter depending on my mood 😀 but it's sad really. For those children receiving mixed messages. The parent thinks that by force of will alone that they are unequivocal and clear in their expectations. In reality they are quite muddled.

So you home school? Good for you. We did too, and my DC talk about it now very positively. It really brought us close and that bond is still there. You can't learn values, and critical thinking just from text books. My eldest is so philosophical and thinks deeply about everything from relationships to physics and I'm certain that my approach encouraged this. I sound proud, maybe, but more than anything I just had faith in my convictions, and wouldn't be bullied into parenting any other way.

Could you still home school if you split with DH?
Is there any way of reaching a compromise with him?

I'm now working with teens and coming up against adults just like your DH, unfortunately these personality types are less respectful of difference and perceive any flexible thinking or compromise as equal to defeat! So you'll have to be very strong to overcome this.

I don't home school. A home school link workers is someone who works in a school but supports parents and children with difficulties. My youngest has a SEN so i have worked with her to find strategies that work well for my son but they are great stategies that are so respectful so they work with my other child too. I totally know what you mean about some people see flexible equals defeat when I didn't even see a battle.

I am really surprised that the relationship section didn't carry with it an implied 'this is a relationship issues' beacon.

Hi op. I had a lightbulb moment with my exp over meal times. The dds and I were having a snack tea by the tv. Kids were grazing happily and we were all
Relaxed. Exp came in and immediately told off dd1 - for nothing as far as I could see. I really relate to what you said about not always seeing a battle.

Since I separated I've probably got a bit stricter but I feel more confident curbing behaviour now that I'm not trying to take the edge off constant nit picking from someone else. We do lots of reward focused stuff and positive reinforcement. My kids are well behaved and I get plenty of compliments from other adults - not a stealth boast just evidence that children respond well to consistency and confident parenting.
Hope you are ok op

Queenofthedrivensnow - Many thanks for asking how I am. A little kindness goes a really long way.

I was in a total state last night but have woken with a greater sense of what I was feeling upset about (and a terrible headache from the tears ). Im sure many of us don't know exactly what's wrong ourselves when we reach out for help!

But is a sunny day and its easier to work out what to do to make things better - with a few positive suggestions around from some of the replies.

How old are your children?

• just made a similar thread, "emotional Labour" - I am also not sure if I want to stay. Years ago I asked my husbond to stay out of "dicipline" the children, as he was/is very confrontational, argumentative and hard.

Now, kids are 10 and 15, he has NO relationship with the 15 year old. A bit more with the 10 year old, but I guess it is a matter of time. My oldest is going to boarding school after the summer; I am almost sure it is because of my husbond, although he denies it. I also think I am like you, more soft on the dicipline; but I think they have had enough of the tough dicipline. I over-compensate, if that makes sense. Anyway - I dont know how young your children are, just wanted to let you know, that if I knew then, what I know now, I think I would have left. Still not sure if I do now. Wish you the best.

This must be a very difficult situation to be in, I feel for you OP. I don't have personal experience as I've always been the primary carer and therefore it's my way of parenting that generally happens...I've also always had a DH who respects my opinions, any research I've done etc etc and we talk calmly away from the children - he would allow more tv, toilet humour, for example.
You sound like two incompatible styles, especially as you've said he won't discuss it and cannot see possible issues arising from the two styles clashing. I personally would rather the children experience them in two separate houses (easy to understand, like different rules at school, grandparents etc) then live with the atmosphere all the time. Good luck on your decision-making, please don't give up. Be proud of your beliefs and hold your head high.

I could have written this myself OP. My marriage is having serious problems due to difference in parenting style and lack of communication. My husband bombards the kids with constant demands, instructions and criticism, usually over the smallest of things. I have given up with family meals, I feed the kids before he is home from work in the week and try to avoid big formal meals together at weekends too. I try to focus on a few key table manners and will remind them of them when needed but my husband over the course of a 10 minutes meal will tell them off (often shouting and speaking rudely to them) around 50 times. It's relentless. I too have tried to discuss parenting style but he refuses to listen or entertain that his approach isn't beneficial. I have found that this are getting worse as the children are getting older.

How old are your children OP? Do they say anything to you about how he treats them. My eldest has started saying things to me a lot and so it is now I am trying to work out a plan of leaving as I can see the effect it is having now (I always thought I wouldn't want it to have a future effect on them. I had not realised what it had already done to their confidence and how they feel about themselves).

Councilling could help but if there is any emotional abuse from your husband (which it sounds like there may be) couples councilling is NOT recommended. If you are thinking of leaving, it really is worth working out what you would need to do in terms of accommodation, finances, work etc.