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Original poster

Partner said he wants to leave but still here, looking for advice

64 replies

Hoggle101 · 17/06/2018 18:20

Evening

Just looking for people that have been through similar experiences.

Me (33) and my partner (36) have been together 6 years, really great relationship, great friends and enjoy each other's company, great physical attraction and lots of affection. Really great relationship. Wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and he's always said the same, always been able to talk about any worries. You get the picture.

I had a nasty accident 3 months ago, I broke part of my pelvis and have been off work stuck indoors since. My partner had to help with household chores and help me shower and things like that. He's been brilliant and really sweet but towards the end he's seemed very distant and is going out with friends drinking a lot.

A week ago he told me he was sick of everything and wanted to do his own thing and be alone. He said he wanted to move into a house share or something.

I was devastated, I said I was sorry for all the stress with my injury but I would be back at work in a few days and I am able to do pretty much everything for myself again now. I tried to get him to talk but he just clams up. He didn't speak to me much for a few days and stayed out after work. Then a couple of days he just starts acting normal again, being nice and kind and acting like nothing has happened, he's not being physical but just acting as if nothing has happened. I'm so confused.

Please, has anyone been through this, he just won't talk about anything. Is it the injury and looking after me? If anyone has any ideas or has been through anything similar I would be grateful to hear how you handled it.

OP posts:
Pandora79 · 17/06/2018 18:53

It could be that he is a selfish prick who just couldn't be arsed caring for you.

It could also be that he found caring for you overwhelming and stressful. Many carers do and don't always act how we would hope they would. Especially at first.

But have you noticed anything else? There could be a few different reasons he is acting like this. From selfishness, to stress, to panic to a OW. It's difficult to tell

Original poster
Hoggle101 · 17/06/2018 18:59

I haven't noticed anything else, it was really stressful and I don't think he had enough time to himself. I feel like maybe I leant on him a bit too hard for emotional support as I was very scared and alone a lot after this injury.

I did mention this and apologised to him, I'm scared that he's making a decision based on stress and being overwhelmed instead of how he feels.

I can't seem to get him to talk. All he's said is that he was going to move out, then he said he won't and he agreed that things had been stressful and now he's acting as if nothing has happened but acting a bit distant. I'm worried that he's lulling me into a false sense of security to make it easier for himself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hoggle101 · 17/06/2018 19:01

Sorry not sure how to edit, not saying that stress isn't a feeling, just meant I'm worried that he might make a rash decision instead of taking about things if that makes sense?

OP posts:
MeltingSnowflake · 17/06/2018 19:08

I agree it probably was the stress of being a carer, but - and this is probably incredibly cynical of me, but could it be that he developed a bit of a crush on someone while you were injured? Perhaps he said all those things to you while he thought there might be a chance with this person, and then returned to normal once he'd got over the little crush and/or realised that it wasn't going to happen.

I know I'm extrapolating wildly - but his blowing hot and cold would set my spidey senses tingling.

NellMangel · 17/06/2018 19:12

I broke my ankle one year and my partner was shit. I remember him being there when friends visited and me hopping to the kitchen to try to make them drinks and having to ask for help as couldn't hop back with hot tea. Same with feeding cat, couldn't bend down easily, sat asking him for 2 hours before just doing it myself. I had my elderly parents round mowing lawn and carrying shopping.

Anyway at the time I thought "fair enough he's not a carer"

Roll forward couple of years and we have a baby (misjudged I know). Sure enough, I find myself home all day doing everything while he swans out with mates etc.

It then dawned on me that the broken leg experience was a huge red flag and I dismissed it.

Im no longer with him, and I pity the woman who grows old with him. A fairweather partner.

TheProvincialLady · 17/06/2018 19:17

He doesn’t just get to drop a bombshell like that and then pretend like it never happened. If he won’t talk to you about it he is behaving incredibly selfishly. If he regrets his words and actions because he found being a cater harder than he anticipated, he should say so. If he still plans to move out or has doubts, he should also say so. Anything else is cowardly and selfish.

I have to say that it does sound like a big red flag even if he does deign to stick around. As a PP says, watch out for if/when you have a baby and he finds that hard and needs to be in the pub while you do all the grunt work.

Original poster
Hoggle101 · 17/06/2018 19:30

Yeah this is what I hate, the limbo. Acting like nothing has happened but still being a bit distant and strange. Could it just be too much stress looking after me? Can things get back to normal after things like this?

OP posts:
Pandora79 · 17/06/2018 19:37

Take control back. Tell him he either discusses with you or continues with moving out. You can end this relationship and limbo

MrsGrindah · 17/06/2018 19:43

There was an OW , or the prospect of one, but for some reason there isn’t now.Hes thinking “ phew close shave!” and reckons everything will just stay as normal.

Balls in your court OP.

TrustIsGone · 17/06/2018 20:52

There’s nothing you can do anyway. If he wants to leave, he will (maybe he’s taking his time to leave on his own terms, making preparations - unless he 100% assured you he changed his mind). The limbo is terrible, but try to remind yourself that torturing yourself to try and guess what’s going on in his head won’t change anything. Be kind to yourself. He’s being incredibly selfish.

Original poster
Hoggle101 · 17/06/2018 21:08

That's the thing he chopped and changed what he said, he agreed with me that we had let a few things get a bit stale over the last year and things had been stressful and we both needed to put more effort in. But what now? He won't talk much and is acting like everything is fine and dandy, just this weird distance. I asked if it was someone else and he said no and I do believe him. I just don't want him to make a decision based on a stressful few months, things are getting back to normal now. I wish he'd just open up.

I suppose like other's said I'll have to just stay it and ask again if he's going or staying.

Thanks for the replies so far, I really appreciate it.

OP posts:
MrsGrindah · 17/06/2018 21:16

I believe him too that there isn’t anyone else. Now. Which is why he condescends to stay.

OP you know that if he really wanted to put things right he’d be talking, explaining, reassuring etc. But he just wants to brush it aside because it suits him to.

MrsGrindah · 17/06/2018 21:18

Deigns to stay I meant!

Rozzzzzalmost35 · 17/06/2018 21:18

LTB

Guiltypleasures001 · 17/06/2018 23:00

The thing is op,

That even if he has changed his mind and and he's ok now, he can't be relied on anymore in a crisis. It's his first real test so to speak and he's not come up smelling of roses has he? Your apologising to him is wrong lovely, he's made you feel like shit so much, your saying sorry.

Ask him does he want the suit cases or will,black bags be ok

Original poster
Hoggle101 · 18/06/2018 09:27

Well, he's going. I feel sick and very alone. I don't know many people where we live and I don't even know where to bloody start unravelling 6 years of shared posessions and everything.

OP posts:
Gottokondo · 18/06/2018 09:33

Sorry OP Thanks

Take good care of yourself. Is there a family member who can help with the unraveling?

He wasn't in it for better or for worse, I know that you don't feel it now but you deserve more than this.

Original poster
Hoggle101 · 18/06/2018 09:38

Thanks Gottokondo, sadly no, bit isolated here. starting to pack all the painful stuff up photos etc. What do people do with all the shared painful stuff like anniversary presents and photos?

OP posts:
QuiteChic · 18/06/2018 10:15

You stick them in a box, seal it up and send it to your parents (if you can) or rent a storage box. Don't bin them yet, you're not ready and will just add to the pain.

Pandora79 · 18/06/2018 11:44

I packed 18 years of stuff like that away. 6 months later, I felt ready and binned the lot.

I am sorry you are going through this. You WILL get through it. It just doesn't feel like it.

Original poster
Hoggle101 · 18/06/2018 12:00

Ok, thanks for the tips. I told him he can give me the keys and leave today, Not sure that's the right way to handle it but I'm not being used by him.

OP posts:
TeacupTattoo · 18/06/2018 12:17

I think that was definitely the way to handle it, calmly and decisively. If he doesn't value you enough then that's it. I'm sorry, it's an awful place to be in. Please do not blame yourself for needing more mental and physical support following your accident- strong relationships where people deeply care about each other work, and issues are worked on. You do deserve better long-term. Be kind to yourself at the minute, everything will work out.

Limpopobongo · 18/06/2018 12:18

Is he a lodger?

maras2 · 18/06/2018 12:44

So sorry hoggle but 'Cherchez la femme'.
There's bound to be one somewhere. Sad
Hope your pelvis (and heart) heal soon. Flowers

Limpopobongo · 19/06/2018 18:08

I think men can up and leave and there not be a woman involved. Men can live alone. Its quite possible. Lots of them do it.

Maybe they leave because they feel the relationship is broken and not recoverable. Maybe they have a mental health crisis. Maybe they have just given up. Men are human too.

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