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Original poster

Partner said he wants to leave but still here, looking for advice

64 replies

Hoggle101 · 17/06/2018 18:20

Evening

Just looking for people that have been through similar experiences.

Me (33) and my partner (36) have been together 6 years, really great relationship, great friends and enjoy each other's company, great physical attraction and lots of affection. Really great relationship. Wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and he's always said the same, always been able to talk about any worries. You get the picture.

I had a nasty accident 3 months ago, I broke part of my pelvis and have been off work stuck indoors since. My partner had to help with household chores and help me shower and things like that. He's been brilliant and really sweet but towards the end he's seemed very distant and is going out with friends drinking a lot.

A week ago he told me he was sick of everything and wanted to do his own thing and be alone. He said he wanted to move into a house share or something.

I was devastated, I said I was sorry for all the stress with my injury but I would be back at work in a few days and I am able to do pretty much everything for myself again now. I tried to get him to talk but he just clams up. He didn't speak to me much for a few days and stayed out after work. Then a couple of days he just starts acting normal again, being nice and kind and acting like nothing has happened, he's not being physical but just acting as if nothing has happened. I'm so confused.

Please, has anyone been through this, he just won't talk about anything. Is it the injury and looking after me? If anyone has any ideas or has been through anything similar I would be grateful to hear how you handled it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hoggle101 · 04/07/2018 10:21

Well, if anyone ever checks back. The truth came out. He was seeing someone else. I have to be honest, I pushed him away, I found it very hard being stuck in with that injury and he said my 'temperment changed' well, yeah it was one of the worst times in my life. Full of uncertainity. Should have got more help from friends and family instead of relying too much on him to help me. I admit that.

Wish I could rewind..

We should have talked more in our relationship. It was 95% amazing and I have beautiful memories with him. But it all hurts like F and I'm so drained and upset.

He's starting a new relationship with this girl (19) after knowing her 2 weeks. The start of their relationship is built on deceit and sneaking about, can that even last? Even after everything I care about him and tried to tell him, you're going to get hurt too.

OP posts:
Babyblues052 · 04/07/2018 10:38

Fuck that it's not your fault he cheated!!! That 100 % on him! Yes it's hard caring for someone long term but it comes with being in a relationship, one person can't care for themselves so the other looks after them, it's very simple, the normal reaction isn't to go off and fuck someone else!!! Yes it can be frustrating and tiring and yes you can begin to resent it a bit, but if you truly love that person then you do it, because you want what's best for them and you want them better. Plus he was your long term partner, you're supposed to be able to lean on each other. He's just an arse hole.

Original poster
Hoggle101 · 04/07/2018 10:48

I know, I just keep swinging from emotion to another. I care about him even after what he's done. But yeah, I said that to him. When you have issues the answer isn't to start something with someone else and lie. At least end it before that.

I'm so hurt, I have a home here I built with him and I'm quite isolated at the moment due to still being in recovery. How do you start to get over this? He spoke to me yesterday to pick up some clothes and he cried and said he didn't know what he wanted and he was going to talk to her.

I keep swinging from thinking maybe it was a stupid mistake to sod him he lied when I was at my lowest instead of talking to me.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 04/07/2018 10:49

It is in NO WAY your fault. Your injury was an accident and we should be able to rely on a partner during the most difficult times in our lives.

This was all him. In time you’ll be able to reflect that it wasn’t the perfect relationship you thought it was. He’s a tool.

Joysmum · 04/07/2018 10:52

You had an injury for only 3 months. He couldn’t even keep it in his pants for that long Angry

Original poster
Hoggle101 · 04/07/2018 10:55

Yeah I know at the moment I'm clouded by all the emotion.

It's just really hard, I feel like I understand why he would have reached out for a connection. I don't think that it was a sexual thing (I know, I know everyone is going to think I'm naive.) I think I pushed him away for a few months because I was depressed about some reproductive issues. I wasn't very easy to live with. I just wish he had talked to me, but maybe he felt like he couldn't.

I'm not saying it's my fault and he has free will but I do think he missed the connection with me and I'd rather understand it then hate him. She's so young compared to him, 19 and he's nearly 38. Is this some kind of early mid life thing? They've known each other a few weeks. If he says he doesn't know what he's doing, do I try to work through it or am I being stupid?

OP posts:
Scott72 · 04/07/2018 11:28

I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, until I read he took up with a girl half his age. Its good in a way that you don't hate him over this, because hanging onto hatred isn't healthy, but you should just put him behind you. You didn't do anything to cause this.

Doingreat · 04/07/2018 11:29

So sorry you're going through this OP. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to deal with a breakup on the back of an injury. If you can't rely on your partner to look after you when you're sick what is even the point of being in a relationship?

He's leaving you when you need him the most. Do you have good support irl?

I hope you a speedy recovery and perfect health.

Original poster
Hoggle101 · 04/07/2018 11:38

I know, my head says all that but it's hard to stop thinking with your heart when you've spent 6 years with someone you thought was going to be there through everything. Hopefully when he stops the limbo behaviour I can start to move on.

I'm quite isolated where I am, family spread out across UK. So it's hit me hard and struggling to keep it together. Like you say on the back of that injury it's too much for my head.

OP posts:
Needsmorebeans · 04/07/2018 11:46

You can't turn the clock back and not have had had the accident and as someone said, if you had a baby, would that have been the catalyst? I think you have to put a stop to the limbo behaviour from him if you are strong enough and leave him to sort out his own head. You need to look after yourself now.

Original poster
Hoggle101 · 04/07/2018 11:48

Will this intense pain get easier from those who have been through the same or similar? I feel like I'm grieving or something, I feel like I will never be able to trust anyone after this.

OP posts:
lifeisabeachsometimes · 04/07/2018 11:50

Op you may not see this now but you have had a very lucky escape. Thank the good lord you didn’t find out ever a useless flake he is after having children. He is never going to be there for in any capacity. He is a good timer, and doesn’t know the meaning of love and decency.
At the moment you needed him the most he decided to play around with someone - what a shit.
Kick him to the curb, consider moving house and a new start when you are better. You are seriously far better off without him💐

AnyFucker · 04/07/2018 11:57

Ugh. He cheated with a teenager. How can you even look at him ? What a fucking cliche (and no great surprise, based on what you said about his behaviour)

I fear you are just waiting for him to snap out of his "midlife crisis" and come back to you. That would be a huge mistake, even if he came crawling back. He is soiled goods and was never good enough for you.

Please detach completely for him. At the moment it looks like you are hanging on for crumbs. Find your self respwct and tell him to fuck off back to his teenage girlfriend. What a douchebag.

AnyFucker · 04/07/2018 11:58

from him

Original poster
Hoggle101 · 04/07/2018 12:07

Yeah I am clutching at straws, I know. I'm trying to snap out of it, just a bit back and forth at the moment and no-one nearby to get to to speak to. Thanks for the advice everyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hoggle101 · 04/07/2018 12:14

Ps thank you for the well wishes regarding recovery @doingreat

OP posts:
IsaidMrDarcynotArsey · 04/07/2018 12:25

In simple terms, had your roles been reversed, would you have behaved in the same way ? I suspect not. Why would you be ok with expecting less of anyone than you expect from yourself. You are mourning a person and relationship that doesn’t exist in the same life form anymore. When push came to shove he was unreliable - you know this. Almost 40 year old men chose 19 year olds, because in most cases they are travelling light emotionally, give a lot and expect modest input in return. You need to make the decision that YOU are not in Limbo so by extension neither is he ! Pack his emotional and/or physical shit up ( even if you have to ask or pay for someone else to do it - ring a local cleaner or moving company ask if they are able to assist - then have your head tell your heart it’s not making the decisions anymore. ) Have you actually spelled it out to your family that you need a bit of support, whether that’s phone calls, email, jokey WhatsApp’s to lift your spirits or an actual visit from someone : people operate at the level of old expectation until you tell them things have changed and you need more now. I have many sisters and as life jogs along they revel in being independent but when they send a ‘ bat signal ‘ they get a hand hold, phone call or visit what ever is required to help them. I wish you a speedy recovery, don’t be tempted to do too much in lieu of his absence. Time to dial out on the red phone Commisioner Flowers

Original poster
Hoggle101 · 04/07/2018 12:45

You're all amazing, thank you so much for the advice. The truth of your replies hurts like hell but it's helping.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hoggle101 · 04/07/2018 12:48

@ISaidMrDarcyNotArsey (lolthat username)

No I would never do this to him if he was vulnerable like this. The thought makes me feel sick. If I lost my feelings I would try and speak to him first and tell him the issues. Well that's what I believe would be the most respectful way to do it.

Yeah I suppose that makes sense, he wants someone 'travelling light'. I get the impression that's what he gets off her. He's been hanging out with a younger crowd and dressing a bit differently.

Yeah I have told my family but they are all quite far away, they have messaged but they are all busy with work etc.

Thanks for the advice :)

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 04/07/2018 12:51

It doesn't matter that you pushed him away. Because, what a sensible grown up sort of person does is sit their partner down and say 'you seem to be pushing me away. I know you are injured and in pain but it's hurting me - how can we put this right?'

They don't go and try to stick their knob in the first person who falls for their 'my partner doesn't understand me' crap.

He wasn't who you thought he was. And when the shit hit the fan he was straight out doing the 'poor me' act.

It won't last with the 19 year old, by the way. So be strong for when he tries to come wheedling back. Hope your pelvis is mending well.

IsaidMrDarcynotArsey · 04/07/2018 12:54

In fact you could set up a WhatsApp group called [ * ( eg Dave ) is a complete shit ] right now and your trusted inner circle can send you memes or whatever to cheer you up so you feel less geographically isolated and know that people are thinking of you too.

Original poster
Hoggle101 · 04/07/2018 13:06

I'm so grateful for forums like this. Thanks for the ideas. :) I like the whatsapp one :D

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 04/07/2018 13:08

I had a horrible feeling this thread would end like this. What a man he is. He couldn't be relied on when you were ill - and what a horrible illness, too. He lied about seeing another woman. He's with someone who's half his age - well, you can see how that's going to end. He's a complete fool, OP.

Do you have to stay living in that area? Now might be the chance to have a complete change of scenery.

Cricrichan · 04/07/2018 13:18

So you have a brilliant relationship for 6 years and at the first sign of hardship he finds a teenager to have an affair with. This isn't you, it's him. It doesn't feel like that now but you're well rid

Original poster
Hoggle101 · 04/07/2018 13:21

Yeah I'm toying with the idea of leaving the area, too many memories here as we moved here together 4 years ago. Memories on every bloody corner. I work at a hospital so I might try and go for a transfer and move.

Thanks :)

OP posts:
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