My DB burying his head in the sand

[AppleSalad]

My DB is 22, he was never academic and never pushed by his school either (despite obvious issues), just pushed towards a career he chose to stop with and it's now too late. He's been a bit of an idler in his adult life so far but seems to have accepted some responsibilities in life recently like getting a job, moving out, etc.

Deep down he's a great person, I can see it but I think he just doesn't have the skills to sort himself out fully and I can see why he is the way he is. DPs have tried tough love but he just burries his head in the sand.

Since my DC was born, has seen us once because we were at a family event and I try to message him (because a phone call is like talking to a teenager) and it goes nowhere.

We have an event coming up and I've asked him to come which has been met with silence. DF says he is being noncommittal when they spoke and because he lives with a partner, can't pin him down.

I'm wondering whether to send a text along the lines of 'Youre 22, an uncle now and you will end up missing out on this over the years. Please try to make it'. Really I want to have a sit down and talk about some serious issues over the years and make him address them but he will clam up and say he's fine which will aggravate me because if thats so then he doesn't have any excuse.

Do I text him? How do you deal with someone like this? If I stop trying I fear he won't try either and my own family and him will never have a relationship.

Well you obviously think you are better then him. Were you the golden child and him the scapegoat? No wonder he avoids you. You are his sister not some judgemental Head mistress who needs to give him a good talking to.
What does it matter if he wasn't academic? I presume you are then.
He is right to avoid you. I know I would.

Youre 22, an uncle now and you will end up missing out on this over the years. Please try to make it

OP you sound pathetic. If he doesn't want to see you then he doesn't want to see you. It's not "immature" of him and to be honest I don't blame him. A lot of us have awful family members we can't stand.

I think you need to leave him be OP. He's not going to want to be in touch if you're nagging on him. It's his life to do with it what he will.

So he has a job, lives independently etc. The only issue is that he doesn't want to see you? Maybe he's just growing up and realising there's a bigger world out there?

If he wants to see you he will. Stop putting pressure on him, he's a grown man and can make his only choices.

I think you just have different lives and priorities. He’s taking his path and, while he may turn into the brother that you want, you will probably also have to accept that this is the brother you have.

It’s completely in your control how you deal with it. I understand the frustrations as I have a similar sibling who seems to take no interest. We’re both happy with our lives and would be here if the other needed, but it’s just easier not trying to force something that isn’t there.

I don't see what he's done wrong. He has a job, lives independently etc. What exactly does he need to sort out? He is under no obligation to see you or your children. Stop trying to force the relationship you want on him.

How do you deal with someone like this? You don't, you let them enjoy their life the way they wish.

This particular dynamic likely goes back years to your own childhoods.

What do your parents think, after all this is their son here?. Is his level of communication with them that slack too?. It seems that your parents have and never really had any real idea of what to do because this whole thing was outside their general remit of experience.

How old roughly are your children now?. Junior school age or younger for instance?.

Sadly you cannot step in and rescue someone who does not want to be helped (and or saved) by you or his family of origin. He does not want that for whatever reasons and they have nothing to do with you being his sister. You cannot make him do so either. He lives away from his parents, he has a job and a partner (what is that person like towards you?). He may well be happy enough as he is.

He is 22 and you are his sister, not his parents nor your project to rescue and or save from his own self. You need consistently applied boundaries re him.

I would not send him such a text message; this should not be reduced to a text message in any case. You may wish to write him a letter but again do not expect him to act or respond to it.

First of all, I posted here not AIBU for a more of a constructive response not one to rip me to shreds and to call me pathetic, I'm a human at the end of a keyboard and you don't know me. I'm not an academic actually - have struggled and do struggle when I want to change jobs as I have no specific university qualification for a specific field.

It's not that he doesn't want to see just me, he doesn't make an effort with any of us because he can't be bothered with it, a lot of the time he needs someone to drive him there or he won't go. Wouldn't turn up to work most of the time and wouldn't get a job for a while because he wasn't bothered and serious signs of substance abuse in the past. I, in no way, think I am better than him, he is my brother and I want the best for him in life. I would give the clothes off of my back to him if I thought it would help and even suggested to DH that he stay with us if necessary some years ago when he was saying he was quite low.

He sounds like a typical bloke in his early twenties .

What exactly is your issue with him? He didn't do well enough at school and doesn't have a good enough job for your liking? He's 22. I genuinely thought this was someone in their fifties.

Seriously. No wonder he doesn't want to see you, stop being so judgmental and horrible.

You're not a child anymore. Grow up and act like an adult.

If you want the best things for him in life then act only as his sister and not as someone who bails him out. Let him see that there are consequences for his lack of action.

If he needs someone to drive him somewhere then do not be that person who takes him. You cannot act or continue to try and act as his rescuer and or saviour here. Enabling someone like your brother does not work and only makes things worse because it then gives you a false sense of control.

If he's living independently he probably turns up to work now though doesn't he? I still don't get how the academic thing is relevant?

Just let him know if you're inviting him to a get together and leave it there. He'll come if he wants.

He's probably just spreading his wings and feels a bit suffocated at a time he is finding his independence.

So you need to sit him down and discuss some issues with him? No wonder he's avoiding you!

But he now does have a job, a home, a partner and I life he hopefully enjoys. He’s 22 OP, not 52, he may be finding his feet for a while. You sound like you’ve written him off. I’ve had several different careers since I was that age, I graduated from uni at 22 and have changed my mind about where my life is going since then.

Okay, you want him to go to a family party. He might want to but not want to commit just yet. He might not want to but is feeling hassled so won’t admit it. He might have wanted to go but the more pressure he feels the less he’ll want to! Especially if he’s got a hint that you’ll use it as an intervention to lecture him on his errant ways and what’s perceived as his fuck op no hoper life.

I’m sure being an uncle is very rewarding for some people but it’s a role, not a job, and he’s actually under no obligation to do anything differently because his sister had a child. Some people don’t enjoy spending with babies.

Back off a bit. Let him know you enjoy his company, if you do, and that you’ll enjoy spending time with him when it suits you both. Take all the stress, angst and pressure out of the equation. It’s not your place to tell him his life or behaviour isn’t up to scratch.

Nerr, I'm sure he does or his partner makes sure he does but that isn't my issue. I was just saying what he's been like.

He is like it with every single family member and I do agree this does definitely stem back to childhood. Thanks for your response Attila.

I have never, ever, said I word to him about getting a job or about his life even though he's also a dad. That proposed text was an attempt at changing tact, I always just sugar coat things and tell him he'll work it out in time but it annoys me more now. We have other siblings that we don't see because my father never bothered with them when he was in his twenties too and thought that might just wake him up a bit.

Thanks for the replies though, I think I'll leave it how it is and suck up my feelings about missing my brother.

It also sounds like you youtself didn't do very well academically and also struggle on the job front.

Was this your dymanic growing up? You pointing out all his faults? It made you feel superior? Curried favour with your parents and took thr attention off your issues.

Because if it was it's time to let it go, he's a young adult who seems to have it together, job, partner, home. If he doesn't want to see his family, and I think we can all see why maybe he wouldn't, then this is his decision.

It's time for you to stop playing the role of bossy judgemental big sister. You've had your fun. Now be a grown up.

He's a father??..

Perhaps he avoids you because he feels pushed too much. Its never too late to start a career and its to be different too. Honestly I think you need to back off. He can lead his own life.

“Youre 22, an uncle now and you will end up missing out on this over the years. Please try to make it”

Your decision to have children doesn’t mean he is obligated to play happy families.

I don’t understand what the issue is? He’s a bit of a loner, but he’s got a job, a home, and a partner.

What are all these issues you mention?

ffs just leave him alone to live his life the way he wants to.

If he wanted to be around you, he would.

You can't force him to behave how you want him to. 22 year old guys generally don't care about kids or family get togethers.

I didn't ever say a word, we've always been close and I've never told him what to do with his life if I've not settled on a strong career path myself. I believe it's never too late to change career paths anyway. I was in similar shoes with not gaining qualifications as I said and I wasn't favourite nor was he.

Yes, he's a father but didn't want to accept that responsibility until forced to. I'm not going to go into that or the other issues because they'd be outing and that's not the point really.

You're right, he doesn't need to be an uncle to my DC or a brother to me and I think I've always thought that someone has a big issue with their family and friends before cutting them off. I say friends because he has an inability to stay in touch with them too but as pp said he could just be a loner.

My kids uncle's both have had barely any interaction with them over the years. In 19 years I would say a total of 5 days shared and that's really only by virtue of all attending the same weddings or funerals sometimes.

It makes my husband very sad but I very much doubt the uncle's have regret or disappointment. It just wasn't important to them to build that relationship. I hate to be the party pooper but I would say you can't force it and if it's not there it probably never will be. 😞

In the scheme of things... the kids don't feel disappointed, they know no different. They have found other great role models in their lives. It is a shame though and I feel for you. X

I genuinely don't see your point. Whilst I get that you miss him and wish he was a bigger part of your life, all the other stuff just sounds.....well pointless.

He is 22. He has a job, lives with a partner and has taken responsibility for his child.

It would be nice if he wanted to be in touch more, but I can't see what all the other stuff has to do with it, why any of this means he needs to sort himself out, or why any of this extra stuff is any of your business.

He sounds like he is doing fine, except the relationship between you two isn't what you want it to be. Unfortunately, that's life. Relationships are rarely what one person wants.

Firstly, at 22 he's hardly out of nappies! People grow up a hell of a lot during their 20s. And secondly, he's a bloke being blokey - sad to say, men don't bother about family stuff too much! Ok, a huge generalisation, I know, but you get the idea.