Husband with ptsd told me he would like to be a monkey instead of human being

[ConfusedWife1234]

Hi,
I think I need support and a hug more then I need advice because I think there is nothing I can do. My husband has ptsd and he is feeling under much stress at work, because the people working for him do not work well as a team or follow his orders. I while ago he told me he was afraid he was at the verge of a nervous break down and gonna hurt himself. I tried not to think of it, i tried to ignore it and he acted like he was feeling better. Yesterday he was playing monkey with the kids and later he told me he would like to be a monkey, because as human being everybody expects him to do well at work. Again he said he was afraid he was going to have a burn out and hurt himself and that there was nothing I could do.

Has he been to his G.P.?
I'm very worried that he has floated that he might hurt himself. What action have you two taken about his mental health? He clearly needs help.

He has told you how he is feeling. Please do not ignore it!!
Support him to see his GP if he has not already.
Is his PTSD related to something specific? If so there maybe charity support he can get relating to it say if it was a traffic accident of forces related for example.

I tried to ignore because I could not cope.
He promised me he did not feel he wanted to hurt himself right now but he said he feared he might have a nervous brekdown or burn out and hurt himself then.
Sorry for being short, having breakfast with kids.

But you cant ignore it.
You cant cope. He cant cope. Maybe you both need to visit the GP.

I know this is scary. My husband is suffering with his MH. You need to try and be there for him now. Don’t ignore - give him a hug and encourage him to talk. Work on persuading him to go to GP. MH problems don’t just go on their own but he can get help. He won’t always feel this way but he needs help. You need to try to get him to take this step.

Sorry for being short, he is already seeing a therapist and he did discuss it there.
I encouraged him to talk to other men in his position but he did not want to. He told me there was nothing I could do.
I asked questions about his job at a career board because I wanted to help but he was devasted and afraid it was not as anonymous as one might think.
So i was just stressed and felt like I did not want tithing about it and ignored.

Here’s a hug op, sounds like you need one ((())).

Please don’t ignore what your DH is saying, I know it’s hard.

He needs to find some professional support to deal with how he’s feeling and possibly find a way to change his work situation.

Cross- post, see he’s seeing a therapist already.

Has he thought about changing jobs? It sounds like he's struggling with this particular team which is the cause of his stress. Even with counselling etc unless they changes he's not going to feel better... I know it's not that easy to get but at least look to see what's out there...

Maybe he needs to leave his job?

A male friend of mine packed in his career due to stress and a breakdown and now has a just above minimum wage job which he loves. Yes he’s skint but he’s happy and for his mental health it’s worth it.

Surely a drop in income is better than your husband repeatedly saying he may hurt himself. I’m sorry to be blunt but if he kills himself he won’t be bringing in any wage.

Do you think he’s hoping you will tell him it’s ok to leave work? I know if dh was saying stuff like this to me it’s the first thing I would say.

I with your H leading a difficult team is very stressful although the animal I would rather be is a pet dog.
With his background of PTSD I agree he needs to see the GP for some help.

I agree and I told him so but he expects himself to do well in the world of work. He is college educated and from a good family.
It is a military family by the way and he is ex mil too and he already thinks he is a disappointment from them because he had to leave the military because of health reasons (which is just what he thinks, they do not think like this, it is all in his head).
He had a similar problem at his job before and he thinks that he was just not made to lead civvies cause he does not know how they tick and it devasted.
But he told me there is nothing I can do.
He likes to try something natural for his ptsd like aroma therapy or kneipping.
So i did not know what to do apart from ignoring. He said he can cope on his own.

PTSD is a specific diagnosis, not a catch-all term for MH consequences following trauma or stress.

To get this diagnosis, you would have been referred by GP to a mental health team and, as OP says, he already has a therapist. He needs to see the therapist asap (making an extra appointment if necessary) and keep with the treatment oath.

I know it can be hard if you feel you are stranded on the sidelines when you want to do something. But PTSD is a specific illness, and like all illnesses, it is the patient who need to recover and convalesce. You cannot do it for them. Being their unchanging rock might be the most useful thing, a person they can count on whilst they go through their treatment.

BTW - is this under the veteran's MH programme? If not, your DH might like to consider if it should be. GPs should all have details of where to refer, and all NHS teams should be aware of need to work together.

Encourage him to contact the Veterans Gateway.
He can have an on line chat and will be directed to those that can support him.
There is no pressure for him to act straight away and they are military charities so tend to have more expertise in forces related ptsd.

link

He does not want to talk to people from the military because he fears they would think he is weak and pathetic...
and actually I am not even sure if he might be right because I was posting at another board and there was one individual (a soldier or somebody posing as a soldier) who said people like him needed to be shot at dawn, that they were unfit to be soldiers and I should not try to keep him from killing himself cause the world would be better off without him. I am so happy he did not have to read this.

I'm sorry you're going through this it isn't easy but you must encourage your DH to go to his GP

Help is essential I tried to do it alone with my DH but it only worked for so long & now we have regular help

Combat stress are excellent they have a helpline you can call as well & they are used to it I called in tears once!

Someone saying they want to hurt them self isn't something to ignore. My DH doesn't want to hurt himself but when his MH is very bad it over takes his reasoning & takes over. It's hard to understand until you've experienced it.

I really hope you get some help especially with people who understand.

Big hugs

They are not military.
They are civvys or ex military with the expertise of supporting ex forces with PTSD in fact many are ex forces with PTSD themselves. They only work with ex forces people they do not take referrals for joe public.

You will need support too so maybe contact Ripple Pond they are a PTSD spouses and family support group. It may help if you can speak to others who are in your situation.
link

I have also PMed you OP.

Have him get signed off work until he can get sorted. Then he can focus on his MH issues. Carrying on like he is with all the stress isn't helping at all.

OP ptsd cannot be treated with aromatherapy! Maybe some of the stress can be alleviated temporarily but it will not go away like that (especially as it seems he's had it quite a while). If he feels like he's going to have a breakdown then he likely is already pretty much there. If his therapist is not working with the trauma then he's wasting his time. EMDR is a trauma treatment that has high success rates, especially with veterans.

Maybe he has other issues too but if he has a PTSD diagnosis that should be what the therapist is dealing with firstly (that can be helping him relax and prepare to tackle it). Resolving, even partially, the trauma will help with a lot of his problems.

There's a management book written by General Stanley McChrystal called Team of Teams. My DH was recommended it. He's non-military, was sceptical but really liked it. Perhaps your DH would like it too as it has a military-business bridge.

OP I'm not a MH expert but I am doing a bit of work at the moment where I've talked to a lot of ex military people about their experiences after the A army and it is so, so, so common to find it hard to adjust to civilian life.

What you said about your DH struggling at work because people don't obey orders is something I've heard loads of times too - if you are used to the unquestioning discipline of army life then people saying 'no' at work can be a real frustration.

I guess what I'm saying is your husband might well find, if he talks to other people, that a lot of what he s struggling with is really common. There are probably other men who'd appreciate talking to someone about it too.

Has he tried Combat Stress as an organisation who might be able to help with the PTSD element?

Exactly the same happened to us.

STBXH had a breakdown, caused by a combo of hitting 40, massive amount of pressure at work, travelling for work (several flights a week) a second baby etc, etc.

Only he decided he wanted to be a woman, but for similar reasons. He considers it a less stressful role, lots of harmful stereotypes.

It has been hell on wheels getting mental health help for him, and no one is interested in the breakdown bit, just to laud him for his "solution".

Go to your GP, keep a diary. You may find it difficult to get them to listen to you as they can't discuss his treatment with you. Good luck OP.

Another poster has suggested Combat Stress, and I would just like to second the suggestion. They worked with an ex-military friend of mine, who was suffering hideously from PTSD from his time in Northern Ireland (a long time ago), and although they didnt "cure" him, they gave him tools to help him cope.

I think the person you encountered on the other board was either a muppet, a Walt, or possibly someone struggling to face up to their own problems. DOn't give any more thought to them.

Hi,
He does CBT for ptsd. He just wanted to do aromatherapy in addition. I should have explained better. He wanted to do something in addition which has no side effects like aromatherapy or kneipping (water therapy).
He seems to be fine now, told me he was feeling great, gonna go hiking today.

birdbandit Is your stbx a woman now. Oh no, I think they did him wrong. I am sure my dh does not want to be a monkey, he is just trying to talk how he feels. I am not exactly sure what he was trying to tell me but I think he wanted to tell me ge was unhappy.