Husband with ptsd told me he would like to be a monkey instead of human being

[ConfusedWife1234]

Hi,
I think I need support and a hug more then I need advice because I think there is nothing I can do. My husband has ptsd and he is feeling under much stress at work, because the people working for him do not work well as a team or follow his orders. I while ago he told me he was afraid he was at the verge of a nervous break down and gonna hurt himself. I tried not to think of it, i tried to ignore it and he acted like he was feeling better. Yesterday he was playing monkey with the kids and later he told me he would like to be a monkey, because as human being everybody expects him to do well at work. Again he said he was afraid he was going to have a burn out and hurt himself and that there was nothing I could do.

So i did not know what to do apart from ignoring. He said he can cope on his own.
Sorry but the fact that he told you he wants to hurt himself proves that he cannot cope on his own; you absolutely cannot ignore his pain, it will only make it worse, not disappear. How do you know you cannot cope with his problems if you haven't tried yet?

@confusedwife

I am going though a difficult time with my DH too right now. He left the Forces 5 years ago however currently stifling with many aspects of life and marriage, I think a MLC but also dealing with transition of leaving the forces for civvie life (yes even 5 years down the track) many of the things which were part of military life (change, risk, Hi jinx, drinking, moving, new jobs, commraderie, Competition) no longer exist in our ‘normal life’ and although he left to provide our kids with a stable life/secondary education the relationship fall out has been very serious. We are very close to separation. 😢

He is seeing a counsellor who happens to have experience with PTSD and military. I’m going to look up the form of therapy she uses and come back to you. It’s not CBT.

EMDR - Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing

This is what she uses for PTSD

While DH had never made a comment like yours about wanting to be a monkey I am constantly surprised as the kind of comments he is coming out with. Hard to know if it is him talking or the PTSD or depression or a combination.

@FanjolinaJolie That‘s sad. Did you think about MC?

@TacoLover I asked him how I could help. I would have loved to help. But he told me I could not help him and that he did not want me to help be abuse he thinks a man must be able to deal with stuff like that on his own and he did not want to burden me. He said he would be able to cope on his own and that I must just be a little patient with him.
So i was patient and nice with him and tried to cuddle him much and say nice things to him.
I asked at a career board, butwhen he learned he was shocked. Besides not want me to.
Whenever I thought about how he was feeling and that I could do nothing I just felt like I could not cope, so I avoided thinking about it.

Cause I could not cope and I cannot do many helpful things, can I? There is nothing I can do. Other women who have partners with ptsd have told me there is not much I can do.

Hi ConfusedWife1234

I’m a forces wife, and my DH has PTSD, it took him many years to accept he needed help, but the help he has received has been invaluable. He has had EMDR and talking therapy, which was a journey in itself as he spent the first 3 months saying it was a waste of time, not helping, and then making it worse-but it did come together in the end, and he is definitely better for it, bad days are very rare now, and he can cope with (small) crowds now! He also has some good coping mechanisms for when things get difficult. PTSD is a lifelong condition, you can’t be cured but you can learn to live with it, and the more we can get it out in the open and get people talking about it the better.

You arent alone OP, it could be helpful for you to post on the forces sweethearts page, there is a large forces community knocking around mumset and a lot of them can offer you support with this. Definitely have a look at the military charities previous posters have suggested, they will help DH access the help he needs.

Hi @ThisisSparta Your Dh does not like crowds? Mine has the same problem and it did got better with CBT, he can do smaller crowds now but he does not enjoy them very much...
And actually I do think this is part of the problem... because he stays at home a lot and is training in our home gym or watching TV and (often) drinking beer and I think the latter is not good for him. It is making him sadder. Now that he has got ptsd and he is short of hearing there are many things he cannot do anymore.... and it is not good for him. It would be also good for our marriage if there were more things we could do together.

So are there any things you and your dh found that people who dislike crowds can do, hobbies, activities?

We have had some joint counselling sessions (dire) and some individual. I found the individual sessions helpful. DH has a new counsellor as he didn’t get on with the first one. She was great and very good at balancing the talking. At the last joint session he said the only negative thing in his life was our marriage, everything else was fine however with the new counsellor it’s turned out many other issues including the PTSD and issues from childhood etc.

ConfusedWife1234

Sorry it’s taken so long to get back to you!

I’ve found that DH likes to do ‘structured’ activities, and that could work for you and your DH too? Some examples of things me and DH like doing together are escape room at home games, (you can get them from amazon) they are just puzzles really but they are good fun. We do a fair bit of walking together, (We plot the routes before we go) and also go orienteering sometimes.

Can you approach DH about knocking the beer drinking every day back to just weekends ? Or stopping for a while ?

Are you in touch with any of his army mates? Or can you get in touch with them? They may be able to help getting DH to seek help.

Unfortunately I think that getting him to admit he needs help is the hardest part, and this is bloody tough for you because you feel like you are dealing with this on your own and nobody understands, just let him know you are there if he wants to talk, and don’t forget to access support for YOU too.

Things to bare in mind are- if you are out in a cafe etc he may need to sit facing the door/exit, if you are out in town/beach etc he may need to be able to access a wall he can back up to for a quite breather.

We do family days out during term time (our son has ASD so school are very accommodating in this area) but we do stick to quiet places.

(We had to cut a visit to sealife centre short because it was busy, both DH and DS couldn’t cope!)

We’ve managed a few centre parks holidays (off-peak!) and they were good.

If I think of anything else I will get it down on here for you.

Give me a shout if you want to have a chat on here, sometimes just getting it all off your chest can help!

It is so very nice of you - all of you - letting me chat and let me get things off my chest.
Yes, he has ex mil friends and I have thought of telling one of them he is very close with but then I am not sure, you know, I do not want to be a traitor. That guy knows he has ptsd but he does not know how low he is feeling now. I also thought about telling his family. But again I do not want to be a traitor. I am afraid that he would think it is treason.

So you asked me if I wanted to chat, yeah there is something I want to chat about but it is pretty stupid... you know... about recipes.
Dh has gained a lot of weight and than lost some weight and last Friday he learned he has gained weight again and he was devasted because he felt fat u d unfit and this is not good for his selfesteem at all.... because he thinks as a pudgy person he is worthless.
I think it might be a military problem cause in the military they need to have a higher caloric intake... and of course also related to his mental health... comfort food.
I already changed our diet but need some new recipes, for people who do not like health food but still want to eat healthful. Do you think it is okay to start a thread like this in forces sweethearts or is this stupid?

Do not want to go to bed today cause I am afraid of tomorrow. Silly, eh?

Not silly. We all of us are shouldering burdens others don’t know about.

Re recipes I always try to find a healthier version of something I already like. Eg spaghetti bolognese id use less need mince and up the Veges maybe use whole grain pasta instead of white. Finding heathy snacks instead of biscuits and chips.

How about a fit bit to count steps with a target each day? Would that be something you could both do together?

Thank you so much. He works out a lot, so it really is just his caloric intake...... and really this man eats junk all of the time, crisps, chocolate stuff like this and he totally cannot stand health food that tastes likes health food. Gotta find something that is healthy but does not taste like it.

This morning he told me he was feeling fine. Slept the whole night for the first time in weeks and he is off to work now.

So i discussed it with my Dad and he said dh needs to see his buddies more, we need to invite them more often and this will help.
I think I that is great advice and I will do that, but do you think i should tell his best friend how he is feeling. My Dad said: No, men do not discuss those things.
How do you think?

Is he on Facebook OP? There’s a veterans group called Warriors RV and they’re a big support network for ex forces with PTSD.

If nothing else it would show him that forces folk wouldn’t think he was weak. BIL has combat PTSD and DP is part of this group who help fellow ex servicemen and women.

I’ve sent you a PM about the details of the group.

I had PTSD. Wouldn't even wish it on the person who caused it.
Beyond hell. My life (and ability to mother and be a partner) was saved by the Rivers Clinic at the Royal Edinburgh Hospital. He needs help if he has been given PTSD diagnosis. You need support. It is a such a lonely place to be x

Was the therapy organised by the GP or did you arrange it independently?

Either way I think a check-up would be a good idea. It isn't unusual to take medication at the same time as having counselling, and it could lift him up from how very low he feels.

If I was you I would tell his friend you are worried about him and ask him to keep an eye on him. No need to give loads of details .

And yes to you needing support too, SSAFA can help ex forces families.

Marmite but his life is not like hell, he actually has a good life and no reason to be so very sad. It is just his illness that makes him feel like this sometimes.
Send you a message back, soddingunicorns.

Marmite but his life is not like hell, he actually has a good life and no reason to be so very sad.
From your perspective. For someone with PTSD it can be all consuming, even if he tries not to show it. Just keep trying to support him; don't listen to him when he tells you that he's a 'man' so he can handle it, tell him that any man can be as emotional as they want and that you're here for him. Don't ignore the fact that he's struggling because you dont know what else you can do; try to keep supporting him to open up to you and try to get rid of any 'toxic masculinity' or male stereotypes that may be in your lifestyles.

Please don't ignore it. It won't go away. You should be open and honest with him. Letting him know you don't know how to approach it or discuss it with him.

My dad has PTSD - and we had a massive blow out a few weekends ago. I called him out on his excessive drinking and odd behaviour and always being false and fake, even though everyone could see it.

We chatted for hours, and he eventually talked more openly.

It's a hard thing to talk about, and even harder for them. Even if you can cope with it, tell them you'll support them and be here.

I've told me dad he has to talk to someone again

Hi confusedwife,
Did not mean to cause offence by implying his life hell but PTSD is. I had a wonderful husband, amazing children blah blah but then something awful happened. Could not divorce the event from my lovely life. Flashbacks ,nightmares, moodswings, crushing depression...I self harmed and thought of suicide. Believed my family would be better off without me. Took a year for a GP to suggest PTSD. Another year on the waiting list to be seen at Rivers clinic and assessed for PTSD then about a year to start treatment. Hung on by my fingertips. I was so fortunate..This your post and I do not mean to hijack it with my experiences. You are being supportive and you must be despairing at times. But it is like toothache. Only the person with toothache can through the extraction and they need the right medical professional. Apologies. Silly metaphor x In my thoughts

Also worked fifty plus hours a week to keep out of the house where I would be alone with my thoughts.

@TacoLover He talks with me about how much he dislikes his job a lot. Actually I am very sick and tired of it but I think I have to listen because it is good for him.
He does not discuss ptsd with me a lot, he just says he hates it. He says he hates it, he says it often, he says he feels crippled by it... but he does not really like to discuss it.. and I tried to make him discuss it with me yesterday but he did not want to. He just smiled and cracked jokes and he always says it would be unfair for me he if he discussed it with me and in case of some of his stuff he cannot even talk about it. I mean really CANNOT, not does not want to but CANNOT because he is not a very wordsy guy and when he is stressed he starts stuttering, he normally does not stutter. This is not the reason why they do not respect him in his job... he does not stutter there.
He is a proud man and I know it hurts his feeling when he just sits there like a trembling and stuttering idiot. It makes him feel quite idiotic but he is a very smart man, in fact he had his IQ tested and was above average.
So if I try to make him open up he just sits there and and stutters and that is not good for him. It is an embarrassment for him and it is not good for him. I do not want to dishonor him. Of course I told him I am there if there is something he needs help with but he told me I cannot help and that he will seek help if he needs it... and actually he told me I must not worry, he will be okay.

@Marmitonmykeyboard No, I am always happy if people with ptsd share their experience.

@hheh Is your daddy better now?

I am currently in process of finding out which peer-to-peer help there is for him where we live because we do not live in the UK. I think this could be helpful.