How to come to terms with parents' unwillingness to make any effort to form a relationship with my children?

[Terramirabilis]

I posted on another thread about my sadness that, in contrast to the OP of that thread's dilemma about visitors after birth, I wasn't going to have to worry about my parents descending on me as they've already informed me they have no plans at all to come and meet new DS who is due in a month or so.

It made me think more about how I need to come to terms with my parents' pattern of unwillingness to make any effort at all to build a relationship with DS 1 and likely DS 2 once he shows up.

I live abroad in the US and they live in the UK so clearly there's a cost and effort involved to coming. But they are both fully retired; fit and healthy; no elderly parents of their own or other pressing priorities at home; and amply wealthy enough to afford the trip (e.g. they have spent tens of thousands on home renovations in recent years.)

I realize that there's no entitlement to grandparents being involved and/or interested. But they never call (quite literally never), last emailed about two months ago, don't use any social media so that's not an option for contact, and send one birthday card and one Christmas card per year to my DS1, plus some cash so I can buy him a gift because of course they barely know him so they have no idea what he'd want. That's the extent of their efforts to communicate with DS 1. No photos or videos sent, postcards, nothing.

I nervously broached the subject a while ago about whether they had any interest in visiting after DS 2 is born this summer and got the reply I dreaded: they have no plans to come. They know they would be welcome to stay with us and we have plenty of room. They could spend time with DS 1 who's almost 4 so old enough to really get something out of the visit as well as meet DS 2. Plus it happens that the late summer/autumn is a particularly nice time to visit this part of the US (good weather etc.) and this is a part of the country with lots to do for visitors that people are generally keen to come to.

I just don't understand why, given that I get on well with them when we're together (there's been no falling out of any kind) and they profess to love DS 1 and me, they can't be arsed to make any effort.

I work full time and support the entire family because DH is at uni and I get limited holiday, plus have to make the trip home with a small child - soon to be two small children - in tow. But apparently it is much easier for me to do it every time than for two people with limitless time on their hands and plenty of money to make the journey here.

I realize being upset about their attitude is pointless, but I hope someone can help me deal with how I feel about this.

Not sure.... I have a similar issue and unless I made the effort they probably wouldn’t see their grand children. They are making the 2 hour journey this weekend the first time in 7 years. My siblings aren’t much better. It’s hurtful they can’t be bothered but I’ve made my peace with the situation and visit as and when I can be accommodated.

At The the end of day you live 1000s of miles away .
If you want your kids to a realationship with their grand parents you have go home at least once a year as you don't want / can't afford too .
Your kids are not not going to know your parents .
Your choice to live aboard .
If you live round the corner and they were not interested then you can complain.

Your parent have earnt their money their choice what to spend it on .

I'm not sure how living thousands of miles away prevents my parents from picking up the phone. Deciding where to live when you marry a foreigner isn't as simple as making your own unilateral decision. Thanks for letting me know I have nothing to complain about @Joboy.

My ils lived ten mins away.
Mil declined to visit or assume the role of dgm in any shape or form.
Been over 3 years.. Her loss.
Mourn your loss.
Then move on.
All your dc needs is you and your dh.

@Terramirabilis
There is advice on dating treads on mn .that is about listen to where your date is saying to you .
You are saying to parents I don't want you in my life I going live in US ( hopefully you are citizen as you have kids cos if things go belly up with your D H you could be in deep shit ) .
And your parents have return said ok dear we respect your choice that you don't wish in your life and will make our home lovely for us ( spend our money how we like ) .
Your choice.

You rejected them and the UK.

Their choice
To live their life without you . With out making you feel guilty for leaving them .
As other have said feel sad if want but be happy in your choices

You obviously have some sort of chip on your shoulder @Joboy about people moving overseas. People don't live abroad as a rejection of their home country in most cases. They go to pursue relationships, jobs, and life experience. That doesn't say anything about their feelings about home or the people at home.

Presumably if your DC move abroad (if you have any) or other relatives you will be cutting them out of your life since they will in your view have chosen to reject you by living abroad? What if they move a few hundred miles away? Does that still count as rejection? You should let your family members know how far they're allowed to move just so they don't accidentally go outside your arbitrary boundary and force you to reject them.

I totally get it. We live in Australia, family back in uk. My parents are divorced, my dad communicates by email only, never calls, no social media. Will profess to miss us when we go home and visit, but makes no effort at all to create any relationship with my children. I’ve mourned and moved on.
My mum and stepdad (who is lovely) is a whole other entity. She will tell everyone she knows that she misses us so much, comments on all my social media posts, makes all the right noises. But visits and ignores my children in favour of her Kindle. She visited when DS2 was born and I was in the throes of PND and had a lovely holiday and was no help at all. She calls but spends and hour talking about herself and never asks how I am.
At the end of the day i’m a big believer in your subconscious. And I think we moved here for a reason.

Oh, please everyone, moving abroad is not always some deep-rooted Freudian response to some childhood trauma! And yes, we "choose" to leave, but we don't choose to sever all familial relations - come on.

OP, I feel what is missing from your post - where you say you love and are close to your folks - is a frank discussion. You need to openly and explicitly tell them that you love them and want them to come. On top of that, could you plan a wonderful trip for them that goes beyond just familial "duty", with a little adventure itinerary? Make it a pleasure for them. It may be that they feel distant right now. It may be that you have not honestly expressed your need for them - I reckon loads of done-parents feel they have nothing to offer, and often that their children are parenting so capably that they are redundant.
Finally, I always recommend reading Dear Prudie (on Slate) for common-sense handling of these emotional issues with people you are close to.
Good luck OP!
xxx

We are in the US and all of my family are in the UK. I have such compassion for you, OP, because I know how it feels when you realize that you don’t mean as much to someone as you thought. I completely disagree with joboy’s opinion - what nonsense. Certainly our move was nothing to do with a rejection of the UK. I don’t have any practical advice, but I wanted to acknowledge your feelings. I would feel exactly as you do, I think you need to somehow arrive at a place of acceptance. Much easier said than done though, I do appreciate that.

No wise words but I am in exactly the same boat. We have been living in the Middle East for 7 years, DC2 due any day now. Parents are in the UK, both only in their 50s, in good health, no elderly parents to care for, comfortably off (certainly always off on holiday somewhere or doing something to the house)

They both profess to love us all and miss us all terribly, and when I announced I was pregnant with DC1 (first grandchild in the family) DM made a big fuss about how excited she was and how committed she was to ensuring that the miles between us wouldn’t stop her from having a great relationship with her grandchild.

The reality is that she just doesn’t seem that interested. Whilst so many other family members in the UK (including my 93 year old grandfather) managed to send cards and gifts for DC1’s recent birthday, DM didn’t send anything because ‘she wasn’t sure what our address was.’

(The reason that I’m mentioning DM specifically is that DF is actually my step dad)

I appreciate that we are the ones that moved away but I honestly do try to facilitate contact. I send WhatsApps, photos, postcards, forward nursery reports, share videos, ask to Skype and have always made it very clear that we have plenty of room for them to stay here whenever they visit.

I’ve basically given up on expecting anything from them but it makes me sad that DC won’t have the relationship with their grandparents that I had with mine growing up.

I don’t understand these parents, however, my DM lived 80 miles away and didn’t drive, and public transport a difficulty, so always went there.

I on the other hand, would move mountains to see my DGC, I just don’t get why parents don’t want that closeness with their children’s children. Yes they may have chosen to move away, but it’s their life and it’s great, but I’d still want a relationship, and would follow around the globe to get it.

We are all different I guess, but it hurts when those so close, show little interest.

Okay, couple of questions(and I am sorry if I have missed the answers already!)
Have you explicitly asked them to come and visit you? In fact, have you explicitly said that you would appreciate more regular contact, that you miss them etc?
How much effort do you put in yourself? Do you do a lot or have you kind of stopped because it feels one sided or..?
Do you go back and visit them? Obviously you can't right now but before you got pregnant.

In a way, I'm trying to find excuses but if it turns out that they're just bloody hopeless, I am sorry, family can be so tricky

I'm in the same boat. They call, they ask about the kids but have never seen them except in photo or in one Skype call. I had a rough pregnancy with both whers I needed their help and support but I got a weekly phone call.

Both my kids were in nicu after birth, no effort was made to come over and see them. Noone came for their christenings nor was a card or present sent. Dm claims she's afraid of flying but is well able to go visit my sibling and their children in the US multiple times a year. On a flight which is 3 times as long as the flight to me in italy.

I feel for you and your kids. Do the best you can, that's all you can do. And welcome to the black sheep family

I feel a lot for your situation also because I was and remain in that same boat too. I have had to ultimately move on as well.

I've come to realise that its not you, its them and its a reflection on them as people. This dynamic likely started long before you became a parent; in my case my mother told me outright and in my teens that she would never look after any children I went onto have.

I stopped asking in the end as that seemed somehow easier than hearing an outright "no" or "we're/I'm busy". My mother two decades ago started to clean my brother's house as something to do and she has stuck with that. It hurt a lot when I knew that they had visited my sibling (we live in the same town) and drove to his house without stopping in either direction.

Like you there have been no overt disagreements or rows. Your parents, like mine, are uninterested as both parents and grandparents. My child is now an adult and he has hardly any relationship with his maternal grandparents; they do not know him.

I hardly have any relationship with my own parents now; think its also because I was seen as more capable whereas my sibling was (and is still regarded by them) as not. I was trusted i.e. left to get on with it: I realise that now but not then.

I have learnt a valuable lesson from them (and my surviving inlaw is no better either); they between them have taught me how not to behave.

I feel for you OP. It sounds like your parents are deeply resentful that you have chosen to make your home overseas and are punishing you for doing that. I would try to visit once a year and let them know they are welcome when they choose to.

I suspect it's all fine while they are together and enjoying their late middle age in good health with plenty of money. I'm sure with the passing of time they may realise what they are missing out on.

I think your parents are doing the right thing in being completely honest with you. You’ve moved to another country, which will make any sort of meaningful relationship with the grandchildren almost impossible, so they’ve decided to not bother, and I can totally see their point.

You moved thousands of miles away, that was a choice you made. Your spouse could have moved to your home place but didn't.

You then can't expect family to spend time and money visiting because you want them too. The trips should be made by the person who moved away.

There was never going to be a close relationship with grandchildren with that distance involved so it can't have come as a surprise.

My parents are divorced.

Dad has nothing to do with his grandchild, despite living less than an hour away. He's probably seen him half a dozen times in 3 years.

It hurts, but I have just accepted that's the way he is and I have just adopted a 'fuck you, your loss' attitude.

IL's aren't much better although they do live several hours away. Having said that, when we do see them, they don't really interact with their grandchild at all, play with him, read to him etc. Which, considering we might see them a few times a year, is disappointing.

Thankfully my mum more than makes up for it and is a wonderful grandparent.

Also for those saying that the OP chose to move away and therefore cannot expect any kind of meaningful relationship - I heavily suspect that these are the kind of grandparents that would make cock all effort if they lived half an hour away.

The distance is a red herring.

The distance is indeed a red herring; my parents live 20 minutes away from me. They would have behaved the self same had I lived three thousand miles away. It is their loss but I think that sadly they do not see any loss.

I don't think the distance is that much of a thing.

My SIL lives in Australia and PILs are here in the UK. MIL went out for 6 weeks when her DGC was born and has been back nearly every year since. FIL can't fly due to medical issues. MIL is truly terrified of flying but does it to see her DD and DGC.

PILs FaceTime both us and SIL at least once a week to chat to DGCs. MIL uses her free bus pass to visit us every fortnight.

The distance thing is bollocks.

My Dad spent his working life abroad and missed most of my childhood. After retiral, he decided to mostly live in Europe. He emails occasionally. It does hurt that my brother and I were never an emotional priority to him.

I feel for you OP, I just assumed my parents would want a relationship with my children like I had with my GP's. I used to stay with them overnight, occasional holidays together that sort thing. My parents just aren't bothered seeing my children, no long distance involved.
However, my DPs stepmother who still works and lives over 200 miles away, makes so much more effort and the children love her for it. She had paid for holidays for them and always buys presents which are so thoughtful, my parents put money in a card and give a bag of sweets. No thought at all.

I feel for you . It must be disappointing and I don’t think it’s the distance, if they can afford it etc. Cost of living is so high where I live that we can’t afford to fly home every year. My parents talk a lot on Skype ,message, send presents , and visit every few years. They came for extended periods to help when DC was a baby as I expected. Did you say you really needed them? I told my mum I needed her straight after the birth to help at home.

I don’t think some posters understand why people end up living abroad. It’s not a rejection of home and family .
Many people plan to go overseas for a year or two when young for an adventure . then get into a relationship with a local , get a career, friends. . Once there are kids and houses , moving back to the UK becomes quite daunting , like emigrating to an unknown place.

The distance is a red herring.

This has not been my experience. The family who moved away have returned to visit twice, we have been to see them once, so met up every second year. When we are with them, seeing and interacting with tbe DGC has been a pleasure and a privilege. Our outings were all planned around them and we all had a lovely time. Having built some sore of relationship with them over three months, we had hoped to maintain it with skype and email. In practice, it feels as if the DGC have slipped away. We have not really managed to interact with them since. We end up speaking to DS while tbe children go mad and tear around around him via Facetime so we can see them. We have spent a bit if time trying to fathom what to do, how to treat them, what questions to ask, in order to get talking / interacting with them

It feels hopeless and very sad. We have talked about what might work, but no results so far. We both work full time, so visits each year are a bit of a stretch. When the DGC are a little older, we hope perhaps to meet halfway, even that will only be few weeks every year or so.

Any suggestions welcome, especially from anyone who got this to work with DGC born and living abroad.

re thoughtful presents we have tried but without really knowing the children, its very difficult, so we tend to ask the parents what would be appreciated and send send the money. Always get thanks yous but its not like really knowing and interacting with DGC