How to come to terms with parents' unwillingness to make any effort to form a relationship with my children?

[Terramirabilis]

I posted on another thread about my sadness that, in contrast to the OP of that thread's dilemma about visitors after birth, I wasn't going to have to worry about my parents descending on me as they've already informed me they have no plans at all to come and meet new DS who is due in a month or so.

It made me think more about how I need to come to terms with my parents' pattern of unwillingness to make any effort at all to build a relationship with DS 1 and likely DS 2 once he shows up.

I live abroad in the US and they live in the UK so clearly there's a cost and effort involved to coming. But they are both fully retired; fit and healthy; no elderly parents of their own or other pressing priorities at home; and amply wealthy enough to afford the trip (e.g. they have spent tens of thousands on home renovations in recent years.)

I realize that there's no entitlement to grandparents being involved and/or interested. But they never call (quite literally never), last emailed about two months ago, don't use any social media so that's not an option for contact, and send one birthday card and one Christmas card per year to my DS1, plus some cash so I can buy him a gift because of course they barely know him so they have no idea what he'd want. That's the extent of their efforts to communicate with DS 1. No photos or videos sent, postcards, nothing.

I nervously broached the subject a while ago about whether they had any interest in visiting after DS 2 is born this summer and got the reply I dreaded: they have no plans to come. They know they would be welcome to stay with us and we have plenty of room. They could spend time with DS 1 who's almost 4 so old enough to really get something out of the visit as well as meet DS 2. Plus it happens that the late summer/autumn is a particularly nice time to visit this part of the US (good weather etc.) and this is a part of the country with lots to do for visitors that people are generally keen to come to.

I just don't understand why, given that I get on well with them when we're together (there's been no falling out of any kind) and they profess to love DS 1 and me, they can't be arsed to make any effort.

I work full time and support the entire family because DH is at uni and I get limited holiday, plus have to make the trip home with a small child - soon to be two small children - in tow. But apparently it is much easier for me to do it every time than for two people with limitless time on their hands and plenty of money to make the journey here.

I realize being upset about their attitude is pointless, but I hope someone can help me deal with how I feel about this.

Finally - It sounds like you're doing everything you can. If the children are really little, then Skype FT can be difficult but at least your making an effort!

Maybe send a good old fashioned letter and tell your son it would be lovely to receive one in return from the grandkids.

The distance shouldn't be an issue all. There can be contact via telephone or Skype. They can do emails as well, and use social media. If they wanted to stay in touch then they would do so.

I completely understand why you are upset about them not coming to visit, but I think that part is just about understandable, particularly if they are not really into travelling. The apparent lack of interest of any other kind though can't be explained even by the distance, as pp have said. I think the only thing you can do is talk to them, tell them how you feel and that you feel sad that your DC don't have a proper relationship with them. I would suggest regular Skype as something that would be important to you and hope that a frank conversation might wake them up a little. Do they have any other GDC?

Some parents are just like this - the children have grown up and flown the nest, and they have no need to keep in contact much, if at all. I could count on the fingers of one hand the number of times DH has rung his mum in the 12 years we have been together, and she has rung him O times in that same period. I have met her once when we took a holiday in her county (UK, same as us).
DH loves his mum and has no doubt that she loves him. They just don't have a need to be in contact. Very different from my own family dynamic.