mother/daughter relationship problems

[Findingmywayeveryday]

I am the mother and I’m scared I am toxic and don’t know how to put anything right.

I have 2 girls and one is 15/16. I’m a single mother and there is a divide in my family between my ex and one DD and myself and the other DD. Each parent believes the other treats their favoured child better than the other and it causes a lot of tension. I’ve raised the children by myself for many years and do 90% of everything for them on my own.

Eldest DD1 was a very very difficult toddler, much more than I was prepared and equipped for. I had PND after DD2 which did not help DD1.

She has been violent to me from a young age and I have tried multiple agencies to try find help and support and to try get us communicating better. She has not wanted to engage with one single element of any of this numerous counsellors and now basically views this as me forcing her to get help because she has ‘something wrong’ with her. A psychologist and a primary school teacher told me she was ‘emotionally immature’ when she was about 6 years old, which I think meant behind her peers. She scores very high on ADHD testing and I know she has a lot of anxiety (which I think fuels her anger).

She ties herself in knots with lies, rewrites all history and I sometimes wonder if she is gaslighting me because things very quickly fall down a rabbit hole into insanity and I don’t have this happen in any other area of my life, like Work, DD2 or friends so it is confusing and disorientating and there is never any way out. The madness will begin and the more I try to unravel it, the worse I make it, I say and do things in total frustration (as does she) and nothing is ever resolved. It just disappears until next time. I am also not allowed to eat around her. I do shout and get angry and I think I am always very negative about her. I will question something she will tell me in a way I never do DD2 because DD1 has told me so many lies and I don’t trust her. I reprimand her A LOT

She views any attempt at me challenging or addressing her behaviour as controlling and cruel. She is in trouble at school a lot and her friendships are unstable.

She has decided to completely shut me out or her life now, except when she wants something. I have become very tired of the pushing and pulling and have started to care less about trying to help her and more about how to avoid her/this scenario. I can’t work out if she needs/wants my attention and am really tired of giving love and affection for it to be constantly repeatedly rejected and disrespected. I try to do nice things for her in other ways but we seem to have reached the point where I dislike her behaviour so much she probably does believe I dislike HER. I don’t - HER is very lovely, but this other side of her is dreadful and I struggle to give unconditional love.

I feel desperate like I am giving up on my child. She doesn’t want me, like me or love me she’s made it clear she’s just trapped with me and wants to punish me for how she is feeling - but won’t really talk about how she feels. I suspect it is that she accuses me of saying there is something wrong with her, something bad but part of me is scared there IS, and that we should tackle it before things get much worse.

Am i a bad mother? Have I rejected my child? Have I done enough? Should I pursue her mental health help even if she doesn’t want it or believe it? What if medication could help her? What if I am just imagining this and I am the cause and it’s my bad parenting? How do I put that right?

I know I cant expect anyone to give me any answers but maybe some guidances?

Ledkr: I wonder if her anger is really for her dad but you are far safer to direct it to? - that's a very good point. I think it's incredibly common in difficult mother/daughter relationships that the mum become scapegoat/emotional punchbag for the daughter. I certainly remember a fair bit of that in my teens with my mum.

in my selfish moments I do want her to be angry with him. He is probably the best father he knows how to be but IMO it’s not bloody good enough. I feel like he lets them both down horribly. By punishing me for years it has ended up punishing the DC by withholding money and support. I ended our relationship for the DC because it was emotionally abusive towards me which had escalated to physical. I grew up in a bullying household and suffered abuse as a child. I thought that being homeless and skint would never be as bad as what happened to me and I was right. We have had such a better life without him and never have any regrets. But DD is in deep denial and it must be horrible. He never tells her he loves her or even really shows it. He does his dutiful minimum contact and financially. He left me and DC homeless with no money (and ran off with thousands) leaving me with debts. DC do not really know this. He still wastes his time putting me down even though he has a whole new family. He’s angry with me that I destroyed his one true dream - owning a house. In the 10 years since I left neither of us has been able to buy a new house because he wastes all his money on cars and holidays and we have never afforded a holiday abroad because I am trying to keep my head above water and have a very old car!
He is controlling with DC and obsessed that I am too soft, selfish, a slag (for having any subsequent partners), always drinking, bad with money and a general idiot

I hate that we hate each other. I try not to let it show too much. I am kind where I can be to set a good example but I am no doormat anymore to him

Right there is your answer.
He slags you off, she feels confused and uncomfortable then takes it out on you!
She loves her dad but equally knows he's not that much of a great one, makes her sad and angry and she takes it out in you as she knows you will always be there.
My own dd was much the same but has recently cottoned on that he's just useless.

She has begun to join in. This is the hurtful part. She will tell him bits and pieces that annoy him and get a reaction.

DD1 has a very different perception on things to me and DD2.

She tells ex that there is never any food in our house. For my part this is usually because she’s eaten it all as she has poor self control with food.
She tells him whenever I have shouted at her, but doesn’t give the full story. Shouting does happen if have been really pushed and then lose control of my emotions which I want to learn how to do better!
She also tells him I’m emotionally abusive, any criticism she takes badly
She tells him what I get up to, if I have been out that weekend or whether I have had anything to drink indoors
She also makes out that I am constantly working and they get left alone all the time which isn’t true either
Then the most common one is that I am very lazy and force her to do all the housework and food shopping. I know this isn’t true, she is expected to help but she sees this expectation in a completely different way

At least you have identified that.
I guess there's no point speaking to him and calling a truce? Explaining how concerned you are for her future/emotional welfare?
If not, the therapy place you have called should be able to make sense of it.

One thing I've done is be the bigger parent. I never slated him, on the surface we get along etc. He has been hateful to me but i rise above it as I knew from experience it will be me who suffers if my kids act up!

He’s a coward. To my face he doesn’t really say much. He passes the messages back through the DC which is just fucking twatful 😡

I can stand up to him now. I behave entirely and consistently ‘we are a parenting team for the good of the children no personal judgements should cloud this’ and to my face he agrees. Behind my back... he’s setting such a shit example!

Unfortunately children often act out and try and destroy the relationship that is the strongest and they feel the most comfortable in. Which a lot of the time is the relationship with the mother. It’s a vicious circle in that she feels that everyone deserts her, and she tries to push them away. It’s almost a self fulfilling prophecy, where by she starts to feel safe, believes she’s not worthy so does everything in her power to destroy the relationship, thus proving to herself that she’s not good enough. I guess the one thing you can take away with you,is that her actions actually mean you’re the most important person in her life (not much help I know).

As for your ex I’d go NC with him as much as possible. I’d also feign indifference if she mentions him or try’s to start an argument about him.

It’s such a difficult situation for you. My adopted dd is 6 and has been showing similar signs of attachemwnr disorder which are now getting worse. Thankfully we’ve got the support of the adoption team but her behaviour seems very similar to your dd, just on a younger scale

Thank you. I am sorry to hear you are going through similar behaviours. I wish I could give you any advice but I cannot unfortunately! Sometimes I think you do need to put your feelings aside, it hurts your heart when the child you just want to hug doesn’t want you to. I am also sad that she may have an attachment issue when I feel that we did bond brilliantly when she as a baby and I don’t know what else I could have done when she was little except NOT have another child! And I couldn’t predict I would get PND so I suppose I spend too much time trying to work out when/where things began to go wrong. I just wasn’t very well equipped for challenging behaviour and being very young I probably made mistakes (also in choice of father for my DC!)

I worry she won’t have a good life with all this aggression inside her

Her behaviour towards you indicates that her relationship with you is her strongest one. So just keep plugging away and providing her with the love you can do. It’s not your fault and she’s also being enabled by her father.

Do you have any restbite or is there anyone who can give you some time to yourself to recharge your batteries.

You need to look after yourself too

Findingmywayeveryday a lot of your post is very similar to my circumstances including the behaviour of your ex. The main difference is that my child was diagnosed with ADHD and ASD fairly young as his behaviour around age 3/4/5 was horrendous and unmanageable. His and my lives improved hugely when he was medicated at age 6. But there are many similarities in your daughters behaviour and my sons: ( He's now 13)
He's sided with his Dad since our split.
He can be violent and threatens violence a lot
He lies about everything
His father bad mouths me regularly.
His friendships are unstable
He's resentful and reluctant to do much around the house.
He doesn't like school

Although he has these difficult behaviours on the whole they are much less when he takes his medication. When it wears off he's much worse again and he also has the odd bad day or few hours when he reverts back to these behaviours.

I wonder if a book on ADHD may also help you. I don't have a book on teenagers to recommend but there are many Facebook closed groups for parents of children with these issues. I like them as I'm less alone and sometimes I post on them for advice.
I've also been on parenting courses which helped me with behaviour issues, had and still have counselling which I find useful. I also vent to friends who understand and try to treat myself kindly. Also just started a mindfulness course.

Much useful advice above too, but I noticed some similar behaviours to my son and thought I'd tell you my experience.

Findingmywayeveryday, I think your DD is using badmouthing about your to her DF to get his attention, she is using it as something they can bond over. I really think that your ex is the source of most of her problems. She desperately wants a relationship with him, and the only way she can get it is to tell him nasty stuff about you because he only respond to that. Children will go along with the most horrible stuff if it means they can get a relationship with a distant parent.

You have all been so nice it has been a massive relief to talk to people and I did not want it to become me complaining about DD I have had some brilliant advice.

ADHD/ADD is the one thing that strikes me more than anything else but I have not had the opportunity to ever explore it further and even the option of medication. She has such poor impulse control that I wonder if it could help her. She only has one recognisable emotion - anger. I know it’s that she is scared or sad but she doesn’t understand those, just being angry. I knew she would score highly but I think as she doesn’t have the ‘H’ part like some boys do, it is very hard to get girls understood as they present differently! She is just about scraping through School but every term report says same thing - lack of concentration. Should I ask for a paediatrician assessment? Is this fair to keep putting her through these things when she doesn’t want them? That is what puts me off and seems to damage our relationship even more

The lack of concentration issue is one of the main signs of ADHD and you can of course have ADD which is without the hyperactivity and much more common in girls and harder to diagnose.

It's hard to know how to approach it with her. Would her Dad be open to any discussion or able to help you convince her it might make things easier for her at school and at home if she was assessed? It sounds unlikely from what you have already written. Are their any teachers or family friends or relatives who could help you with this?
I went to my GP and was referred to a paediatrician through that route.

At her age she may decide not to try medication even if she is diagnosed but at least you can also try strategies for children with ADD or even try them now without a diagnosis. She may also find some calming techniques useful. Anger is very common in kids with ADD as they often have the impulsiveness aspect to their behaviour too and can be very volatile. I wonder if you could approach it as a positive aspect to her character and tell her about all the famous people with ADHD?
I really feel for you both as you're both clearly struggling.

I was very angry as a teen/young adult, and it was definitely a reaction to the sadness and fear I felt. I truly recognise that!

Yeah I think she is experiencing more emotions but doesn’t know how to express them apart from anger and she has always been that way - it’s a bit like she never grew quite out of the difficult toddler stage. She loved a good head banging and her favourite for a long time was throwing herself backwards (often onto my face - I had the broken nose to show for it)

She brought up Dad moving to a bigger house tonight and as she was calm I said look do you want to go there? I want you here but I want you to be happy and if that’s what you wanted I would help you with it. She said no. I asked if she was saying no because she thought her dad would say no. She said yes, but then added on she does want to live with me but visit him more often. I told her that I had always left the door open for her and Dad to have as much time as they like together and have no issues with that at all I would be happy.

He just never follows through! His kid wants to see him more and he CBA? What a fucking idiot 😡

I emailed her form tutor on Friday. She helped previously and DD had some in school anger/stress management. It was some kind of red/green/Amber traffic light system. I wasn’t involved but she said she was ok with it. I think DD is fine with stuff on her terms. She is terrible in most lessons but because she is funny, entertaining, sassy and witty she gets away with it if a teacher has a soft spot for her. She will always tell a bigger lie or excuse for something and usually ridiculous and she even manages to talk her way out of her detentions which is kind of funny. Her head of year clearly likes her but she is like a grenade you never know when she will explode. Teachers say she has bad mood swings and cannot focus well. She will be lucky to pass GCSE’s at grade C (a level 5)

Sorry posted too soon. Some of her School reports are quite hilarious. I shouldn’t laugh but I do end up laughing at them. I have asked their opinions and they just think she has a fiery and quirky personality although quite AD. She clearly has been pissing off one teacher because the school report was basically a checklist of all the ways DD has been annoying her this term and nothing about her work!

OMG, she broke your nose? I have been headbanged by both of mine quite a lot when they were at that age, but never that hard!

It must be so hard for your DD that she wants to see her dad more but that he doesn't respond to it. That kind of rejection must hurt a lot. And I am sure you feel very frustrated about it.

I guess that her performance at school doesn't exactly help her well-being. It must be hard to have to be in school all day if you truly don't like it. I have one very academic child and one not very academic child, and it can be quite hard to see how the less able child struggles (and I do help) especially as my other child just sails through everything.