Guy I dated has cocaine habit

[Involvedwaddict]

Hi, I've been quite anxious over all this. I met a guy I really liked and started seeing him, everything was pretty great. I knew he had fond drugs before. But he told me he had stopped. Well - not so much. Pretty soon I started to question this as his behavior and moods seemed to be changing a lot. I probably knew but wanted to believe him. In a few weeks he told me he was about to get coke, because of he was upset over a tragedy in the family. I tried to take him out of it - of course in vain. So he got coke and got drunk too using it. Ok then. Well he did the same in just two days time. He then admitted to me that he has a coke habit. Which I now find quite surprising after having read threads here about users, how they are liars and in denial etc. his behavior was so strange but I now realize it was all because of coke... and he prob did it a lot more than "just" weekends. He said he can't go without coke. He also drinks way too much. He was acting all paranoid while - I think he must have been then - on it. And blaming me for sleeping with pretty much everyone I met, for example. He also threatened to kill himself. That really scared me. He also said that night that our relationship or what should I call it, wasn't going to work (afterwards I knew, because of his habit/addiction). After finding out he was still 'ok' and alive the next day, I pretty much stopped being intouch with him. I can't help still being worried about him. But what can I do - what should I do?? Tell his family? I think they already know... but now he's also seeing someone else. And I'm wondering if I should warn this girl he's dating now, or not. It's not my business really anymore. But I've since found out he not only gets paranoid but also aggressive while on coke. Should I just let this girl find out for herself? What if he's not 'honest' (yes right, he lied about it all to begin with, but I'm in a weird way about grateful he admitted it to me, and it hurts/hurt a lot, but in the long run would have been a disaster) like he was to means denies everything and this girl believes him and possibly gets hurt - more ways than one in worst scenario? I've kept my mouth shut for now. What would you do if anything?
Bloody men...

Sorry about all the typos...! Autocorrect...
And I meant it is surprising he admitted using, and quite possibly saved me a lot of trouble and heartache.

You ain’t responsible for this dickwad. Get rid.

Fucking cocaine, man. You may as well grind up orphan bones and snort them. It’s about as ethical.

Just get rid.

True. He's a liar, extremely jealous and paranoid, possibly aggressive and most likely does a lot more coke than I know/admits to. And there's no sign he wants to change any of it. He shouldn't be dating anyone.

I’d say bloody well done for getting out of that, but I don’t think it’s down to you to ‘warn’ her as that could have some nasty repercussions for you.

I am pleased your title is in the past tense.

I take too much responsibility for other people's actions. I know I'm codependent. That's what makes this all very hard for me. But one more excellent reason why I can't be involved with him. As if the coke habit as such isn't enough...!
I am however a bit worried for this girl... but I suppose he can't hide it for long.
What do you mean by nasty repercussions?

Forget him.

If you feel better about it, contact the girl and give her the heads up. This Is what he was doing when you were together and these were the signs. Then say it is up to her what she does with the information and good luck.

Then let it go.

Thank you all for the support and advices!
I know I have to forget about him. I'm not stupid. But feelings are a different thing than what you know with your head. Gets there slower. Much slower I'm afraid. As I'm quite damaged myself as well. I'm pretty sure he will contact me again sooner or later as he's clearly not that strong - so trying to gather strength for that too.
I hate being codependent it's such a curse and it runs so deep in you!!!!
The girl works in health care so I suppose she'd have to be really stupid not to notice it... I guess.

Not if her training is with the elderly. Or children, oncology.

Too many variables to rely on her knowing how to spot the cocaine addict.

your not together he has a new partner,its nothing to do with you

get on with your own life

dont say anything to his GF she wont thank you

sorry but it sounds like you cant let him go and are taking far to much interest in his life and GF

It is, yes @Aussiebean
I don't know. The paranoia and jealousy... to be honest it was noticeable, I just had no experience with coke users I've only found out about it after he told me. And his behavior and some things he said that left me wondering make sense now (in a twisted way).

@flopsyrabbit1 unfortunately, I think you're right. I don't know how to get it all out off my head
(Clearly started to fall into old patterns, that's codependency for you)
TBH I don't even know if they are together or still together.

I'm glad to have all that drama out of my life, but I also need it being f**ed up myself like I am. It bloody hurts even the facts are clear as day and I walked away but I really fell for him and his shit.
So. How do I forget him/this???

Sounds pretty sad, I know. It is sad. I don't think in the end it really is that much about him, but what it brings up/the past. And yea it scares me he might overdose or kill himself. Or beat that girl or the next one up. But there's nothing I can do to prevent any of it is there.
My ex is - was - an alcoholic and he died three years ago. I still feel guilty about it, I cut all ties two weeks prior.
Well writing this clears things a bit as such.
Need to accept I don't have any control over anyone else but myself. Easily said, that.

Believe me, when I say it never gets better.
It does sound like you are still very attached to him.
My ex partner (and sons dad- I know 😩) has a coke and alcohol habit. He hid it very very well. I had his ex and numerous other people telling me- I thought they were jealous and bitter that he had moved on. I chose not to believe them.

Fast forward 4 years and it’s just me and my son. Once I found out the truth and had my little boy he went the distance. Before this I had to put up with his disappearing on weekend binges, losing jobs and totally destroying relationships he had.
I mean this in the least patronising way possible but find a hobby, read a book, ANYTHING to take your mind off the man who has just crawled out of Satan’s arsehole. It just isn’t worth your own mind getting involved.

@Smellycatt thank you so much for sharing your experience and I'm so sorry it sounds awful. Really feel for you and your son.
This guy also has a son - that he's not allowed to see. And now I know why. He blamed the mother of his son for this but it's clear there is a very good reason for this. It makes me mad he would put this on her and he does it continuously. He also said his ex (not the baby mother) got him into all this, coke I mean. It angers me he 1) blames everything on other people nothing is his fault, 2) doesn't take responsibility for his son, for real, 3) well straight out lies about it and makes himself the victim in all this.
And he lied from the day we met I asked him about drugs as it came up somehow and said I would not have anything to do with him if he still used. And he said he didn't. Yea right. He knew how I felt about it. And lied.
So, prob no use warning anyone then...? I hope this girl and all the girls after see through his crap. Very very unlikely he'd stop using. Unfortunately.
No thank you I really need advice how to get out of it in my own mind as I am already out of it but it's not that simple.
I'm not going to be in touch with him or see him, but I'm pretty sure he'll do that sooner or later - they all do.
I'm trying to think I am lucky to have escaped this shit. it would destroy me this time.
Was your ex paranoid, or aggressive, if I may ask?
Thank you again xx

Sorry, i know he seems fun/nice /interesting/fixable. but do not take someone on with drug problems...... don't do it. it's costly and hard. Really. You have jsut dodged a bullet. Be strong. We get ourselves in tangles very easily....

@Mountainsoutofmolehills actually he doesn't. Anymore. But I'm still attached to him. Makes no sense at all and I know it. But no I can not do it. I'm not kidding it would destroy me. I've been there. And I have enough issues to sort all by myself. For sure many people have tried to fix him. And he's prob looking for someone new to fix him. Trying to fix him. As he's too weak himself to quit. It's so sad. And destructive. Not only to him.

It is so easy for them to lie, it comes second nature to them and then they need to lie some more to get themselves out of the hole the previous lie has got them in..its all a vicious circle.
When I first got with him no he wasn’t aggressive, paranoid or anything else. He was just a really good actor. Since I found out about what he was really like, yes he is. He’s also a narcissist. Blames everyone else for his problems, always playing the victim. He too isn’t allowed to see my son because he has let him down that many times and put his own needs above that of his own flesh and blood. I tried to help, phone doctors, get him some support but if a person doesn’t want to at least try then what is the point?

I get it’s hard but you need to ask yourself what are you gaining from this relationship? Which I know there isn’t a relationship as such, but deep down there is feelings there and you will be hoping you’re the one he’s going to change for.
You will never be first, or second or even third for that matter. Nobody who this selfish fuck gets with will be top of his priorities except himself and the shit he sniffs up his nose. Don’t be like me and think you can save someone, you can’t. Block his number and anything else he can contact you on. Don’t go back there.

I'm so sorry for you and your son, that's so sad and unfair for you both. I hope he gets his act together and starts taking care of his son. Yea the thing is I've lost all respect (that was still left) for him. I'd be with him now if I'd wanted to be with him but in a short period of time he already gave me a lot of grief and drama and lies (didn't know all of them at the time but soon after). He's actually asked me to block him a few times, says it's for the best. I haven't - at least not yet - but maybe I should yes.
I don't know TBH how this can be so hard on me I feel so stupid. Prob that we were in touch so much way too much now that I think about it and it's left a big hole in my life now. He was in a big hurry with it all, it was going way too fast, he was so worried I'd find someone else. Someone better? Sadly I hate the drama but also need it. And I'm currently on a sick leave do I have way too much time to dwell in this.
It makes sense now too why he seemed to have so few friends... they've had enough of it.
Many things that left me wondering make perfect sense now.
I know I can't save him and I won't try. The thing I'm trying to do is to get my own head back together! It's really messed me up. I've realized how unwell I still am myself, the bloody codependency I hate it, it's so hard to change that! There's the answer to your question what I'm gaining. So nothing good or healthy.
Thank you for telling me that, I think I really need to just hear all this.

Get rid..

I did...
But it helps hearing it from you guys thanks a lot keep on telling me that!!!

Absolutely stay out of it. It's none of your business.

Yes I'm not doing anything about it, just remove myself from all that... thanks xx

Hi there involved, have you jad any counselling for your co-dependancy? Any self help books read or looked online for fellow sufferer support? It may help to speak to people who understand? Good luck.