Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

"Nice Try" (Sex related)

35 replies

TimeToGiveUpMaybe · 14/06/2018 10:18

Hi all.

Brief background, me and husband have been together 10 years. I've been rejected many times sexually. I now tend not to initiate any more, but we do still manage sex once a month (I'd prefer 3 times a week, but clearly, that is never going to happen).

Last night, we were both tossing and turning in bed, and, after wondering whether to risk initiating, I did. His response was "Nice Try", and then he rolled over to face away from me, and went to sleep.

I feel so upset by this. There would seem so many other nicer ways he could have responded. We haven't had any arguments lately, so it's not that.

Probably sounds OTT, but given the background, it just feels like yet another rejection, but somehow colder.

He has said some other stuff, that has made me recoil, like on holiday, after having a meal out, I went to give him a kiss and he called me "Prawn Breath".

I know there are a million worse things that he could say. But comments like the above make me feel like taking a huge step back.

I told him how upset I was, this morning. He laughed and said he was asleep, and then he went to work. When he comes home, he will just behave as if nothing happened.

I honestly don't think he has any idea what a wedge these comments are putting between us.

I feel tearful, and would probably cry if I didn't have customers to see today.

Just wondering how you would feel, if your Husband did this? Or am I just being daft?

OP posts:
loveless0 · 14/06/2018 10:34

Oh OP that's horrible and doesn't do much for your confidence Flowers how long has he been like this for?
You need to sit him down and ask him honestly why he doesn't want sex, does he still fancy you etc and you can't keep living like this.

MollyHuaCha · 14/06/2018 10:37

I honestly don't think he has any idea what a wedge these comments are putting between us.

You might be right. Tell him.

Branleuse · 14/06/2018 10:48

dump him or take a lover

Scott72 · 14/06/2018 11:55

I'll give him the benefit of the doubt here. He means his remarks to be playful, but is unaware of how hurtful they are. Like many low libido partners he is not aware of how badly his rejection affects you, how frequently he rejects you and infrequently you have sex. Sex is such a low priority to him he simply doesn't realize how important it is to you. The first hurdle is trying to get him to understand.

Flowerpotbicycle · 14/06/2018 12:09

Has he always had a low sex drive or has this lack of interest developed over time?
If it’s the latter then I will be blunt and just say he isn’t interested in you anymore sexually. Sorry I’m just being honest with you.
Even having a low sex drive doesn’t mean not wanting the odd romantic kiss and they way he’s rebuffed you both times screams that he wants no sexual contact with you at all really. He’s pushing away your attempts at intimacy even with kissing.
Once a month sounds more like duty or sheer sorting himself out due to necessity rather than romance or genuine interest.
It would hurt me immensely if someone did that to me.
You need to speak frankly to him about it, but be prepared to not like what you might hear. If he simply doesn’t fancy you anymore or find you sexually attractive then it doesn’t mean that you are not beautiful or sexy, just that he has lost interest. Remember that... someone will definitely find you attractive.
It’s up to you if you want to live like that Flowers

dirtybadger · 14/06/2018 12:12

What @scott72 said. It sounds like he meant it playfully and doesnt realise exactly how hurt you are feeling from the wider situation.

gamerchick · 14/06/2018 12:17

See this sort of shit is a deal breaker for me.

I would have the nuts and bolts conversation with a way to resolve or split up. He doesn't sound as if he's into you in that way anymore and life is too short for that shit.

WesternMeadowlark · 14/06/2018 12:43

The fact that he laughed at you being upset is even more of a worry than the initial remark.

And the "Nice try" is the kind of banter you can only get away with if you're already in a fulfilled sexual relationship.

Otherwise it's like with friendship: you can only have friendly banter with someone if you treat them well the rest of the time. If you make it clear, the rest of the time, that you don't value them, then any "playful" rudeness is actually just being horrible.

Lovemusic33 · 14/06/2018 12:49

I would leave. Life’s too short to be living with someone who doesn’t want sex.

Original poster
TimeToGiveUpMaybe · 14/06/2018 15:43

He swears that he fancies me. We do kiss a good amount. Everything else is good.

But, the infrequency of sex is killing me. I actually feel tearful with it, a lot of the time.

I don't know what to do.

We have had the "the talk" a gazillion times. He promises to change. Nothing every does change though.

I am desperate for a regular sex life.

"Nice Try", I mean that's something you'd say if someone tried to trick you isn't it?

I just don't know what to do anymore.

OP posts:
Granville72 · 14/06/2018 15:52

Well it’s not going to change, he isn’t going to change

Honestly, life is too short to be stuck in an unhappy relationship with someone who clearly has little regard for your feelings.

We’re only on this planet once, do you honestly want to spend the rest of it like this?

Flowerpotbicycle · 14/06/2018 15:55

Unless there was a medical reason why my DP couldn’t have sex then I would have to leave. Sex is such an important part of a relationship and I wouldn’t want to live without it.
Also by kissing do you mean pecks on the lips or passionate snogging? There’s a massive difference.

Barkface · 14/06/2018 15:56

I would say I'm in your partners shoes, mine would go twice a day if I was up for it. But was it always that way? Once a month when you'd prefer 3 times a week, or has it just dwindled?

Original poster
TimeToGiveUpMaybe · 14/06/2018 16:05

Also by kissing do you mean pecks on the lips or passionate snogging

Passionate snogging! The kissing is brilliant. But it leaves me frustrated, of course.

Our sex drives have always been mismatched. I thought we could get around it. But it would appear not.

OP posts:
DuchyDuke · 14/06/2018 16:08

You need to communicate with him. Viagara, therapy, it’s all available if he truly wants to fix the issue. Give him a strict timeframe and if he hasn’t done anything by then then leave him. You deserve better.

Micah · 14/06/2018 16:09

Even having a low sex drive doesn’t mean not wanting the odd romantic kiss and they way he’s rebuffed you both times screams that he wants no sexual contact with you at all really. He’s pushing away your attempts at intimacy even with kissing

I dunno. It can get to a catch 22 where gou know your partner wants sex, and you do feel terrible for not wanting it as often.

It sometimes feel like any encouragement, any intimacy is “leading them on”, iyswim. I know when i had this issue that if i showed affection my partner would take it as an opening to attempt sex and then i’d have to say no. Again. So i’d avoid even touching so he wouldn’t get his hopes up and i wouldn’t have to reject him. If i gave him a hug he’d use it to start touching me on the boobs or bum and then feel rejected when i pulled away.

Of course then the lack of affection and intimacy makes you want sex less.

I assume this is why counsellors often take sex completely off the table when dealing with these issues. If both partners no there is no chance of sex, you can get the intimacy and sexual attraction going again.

CaledonianQueen · 14/06/2018 16:33

Who instigates the kissing? If it is your h, that is incredibly unfair, almost like a power trip, he can turn you on, all whilst knowing he has zero intention of having sex. What a way to stroke his ego! He holds all the power doesn’t he! His comments make me wonder if this is more about power than a low sex drive.

If you instigate the kissing and he is not physically responsive then I would be concerned about whether 1) he is still attracted to you 2) he is a heavy porn user, 3) he is gay or asexual or 4) he is getting his sexual needs met elsewhere, either via an affair or paying for sex.

Micah · 14/06/2018 16:51

Who instigates the kissing? If it is your h, that is incredibly unfair, almost like a power trip, he can turn you on, all whilst knowing he has zero intention of having sex. What a way to stroke his ego! He holds all the power doesn’t he!

See what i mean? A kiss is never just a kiss, a demonstration of affection. It has to lead somewhere, if it doesn’t you’re a tease or on a power trip.

So you stop kissing them so you can’t be misinterpreted. Sex feels almost like an obligation and the pressure to have sex is constantly there, which makes you want it less...

Kissing someone should not be taken as an agreement to have sex ffs!

mmmccccccxxx · 14/06/2018 17:03

I'd have left by now my
Partner is happy with once a week and frankly
I find this disappointing !

AnyFucker · 14/06/2018 17:06

That is a horribly flippant and belittling comment

I can't see that your relationship has any future, from what you have said

Being together is meant to enhance your life.

Wallywobbles · 14/06/2018 17:52

You/he can keep sweeping this under the carpet but it'll never go away. Or not until your 80s.

ladywoowoo · 14/06/2018 18:08

He sounds insensitive at best and like a passive aggressive dick at worst.

You keep coming to him with your heart held out and he just stamps on it.

It's very hard to pin somebody like this down and they will keep hurting you because they're not interested in a fair relationship. You have to be strong enough to walk away because you're not happy, not because they aren't, if that makes sense.

notagain2018 · 14/06/2018 18:12

He's not going to change OP. You've had the 'talk' lots of times but its made no difference so where do you expect things to go from here?
You really only have 2 choices. Accept you're not going to get sex very often, or end the marriage. Sorry to make it so black and white, but that is the gist of it.

Needtobehumanagain · 14/06/2018 19:43

What did he mean by nice try? You werent trying to trick him!

Slanetylor · 14/06/2018 19:48

notagain2018 is spot on unfortunately. If you stay I would recommend getting your own room so at least you can sort yourself out. Not any sort of solution but at least some release from the frustration.