Husband secret spending

[user86]

I would love to get your opinion on this, as i'm starting to feel like a total nag and like i am controlling. I try to act reasonbly and fairly so your honest opinion/advice would be welcome!

So have been married a year now. Hes a lovely guy with a good heart. I know he loves me and wants to make me happy (same for me). However he has always been a spender. He has a good job, but when i married him had no savings (even though he lived at home rent free). I had a flat and paid rent. His father passed away recently and left him some money which we've used to pay the flat off a bit. but this wasnt his money saved, but his fathers.

He has zero financial insight. He was heavily mothered by a nightmare of a MIL. He is passionate about fashion, and spends so much on clothes!

I am a saver, and conscious about our future. I rearely treat myself, and when I do its thought about. A few months ago I found out he was spendings nearly £1000 in a month on clothes. We dont even have room for it. He'll see a top he likes and think nothing of buying it in every colour. I was patient and explained to him this cant happen now. We have to build a future. He can buy things but not like that. He promised he would stop. we decided it would be best to go cold turkey with online shopping as it seemed to be an addiction.

He was good. But i recently found he had set up a new email address, and had been shopping on it. He gets it delivered to a different address. It's nearly £1000 spent between two months!

I am not earning right now as between jobs. Its incredibly stressful and i feel horrible telling him about his spending when I am not earning. But we talk about our financces as shared, and he stresses he sees it this way. It doesnt feel like that though.

He doesnt see we have mortgage and bills. when i confronted him he started by saying it was investment pieces! But he recognised it was too much and he wouldnt want me to discuss it with my parents (who wouldnt like it much). So he knows its wrong.

I told him honestly hes makeing me question if im wrong for nagging him. I dont know anymore. He said perhaps some pocket money to spend as he wanted would be good (£200 a month). I just wanted him to recognise he didnt need this much stuff!!

I just saw he spent £20 on another pair of shorts. Wrongly i didnt bring it up with him but just cancelled the order. I think this was silly of me. I dont want to mother/stalk him like that.

In short.....Am i being a total, nagging, controlling, overbearing wife? Should he be allowed to do this?

I am confused lol!

didn't you have "the" conversation before you got married? didn't he go back on it? didn't he lie, and then cover his tracks? hmm....

maybe he's fun as a boyfriend, but when you get married you really tie your wagon to someone else's . you sound like the adult, even the headmistress (what are you going to do if he goes back on his word, which he already has, give him a detention? I mean that kindly I really do).

apart from the possible addiction, potential for future financial 'abuse', selfishness, hoarding and impulse-control issues, do you share the same values? this is quite important and is not even necessarily about right/wrong. personally, I couldn't live with someone who needed to buy a 6th beige jacket when we were only just breaking even.

I'm sorry, OP, just the fact about the housework is a big red flag for starting a family. Can you imagine having to work, do all the childcare, housework and cooking and find space for yourself among his obsessive collection of clothes?

I don't know if therapy works, but you would at least expect him to offer to spend some of his precious money on finding out?

You're living with an addict..........he has a shopping/spending addiction.......first step to dealing with it would be for you both to understand and admit/acknowledge that.
Don't minimise or make excuses for him by blaming his mother, she may have set a bad example but HE chooses to keep buying shit, HE chooses to set up new secret spending accounts after telling you he has heard you and agreeing to reign it in.

Did he ever buy anything for you?

That talk you just had? It is the first, or second, of MANY talks that will go absolutely nowhere. He'll say all the right things, be contrite - and go straight back to spending.

Heebie has it: he is an addict. Change the spending for booze, or gambling, or drugs, or sex: spending is no different.

Addiction is mind bendingly immune to logic or reasoning. When he promises to change be probably means it (as an alcoholic may promise to change and mean it) and he will probably not even notice he's still spending ('just one pair of £20 from Next - cheap! Only one pair! " [ or "just a half of lager, not a short or a bottle! Only one! Cheap!"]). So far he hasn't really understood what you are asking him - once he does realise, watch out, things will get nasty.

The lying and deceit are very serious. You are already blaming yourself, doubting yourself: welcome to the hell on earth that is living with an addict. It truly is the most hellish life.

You seem curiously out of it and muddled - I don't mean to be rude but it's striking. I'm not over-egging it when I say that living with an addict scrambles your head, heart and life.

Take a look at Al-anon. It is for those living with any addict, not just alcoholics.

I'm so sorry

Jesus, OP. He's just expecting you to step in to his mother's role of enabling him.

Do you really want to be his mummy, sorting out all the finances, doing all the housework? You will end up hating him.

Or do you want an equal partner who works collaboratively with you?

I'd read him the riot act & put a reasonably short timescale on this. And stop being so bloody nice about it!

In response to previous posters: one can have 'the conversation' before marriage but really these circumstances can often arrive at any stage in life - yes, yes, let's save for a deposit/rainy day, then a windfall lands and it's like free spends.

When I married my ex, he was repaying student loans and I was the big earner. Then his earnings rocketed, and the earlier conversations were as if they were from a different era.

Now separated, he is still a prolific spender even though our expenses have doubled (two homes) and child costs will increase as the teenage years (we had always thought private schooling for secondary, orthodontics will be needed) and college years (fees, support) approach.

I'm saving like a lunatic, wondering if I can cut my childminder's hours; he's ... not. I earn a tiny percentage of what he earns, and bank what I can. He takes several holidays (without the children) to deal with the stress. It is a million miles from the pre-wedding 'conversation.'

Everyone should have some money of their own to spend, how much depends on circumstances and what you agree. It can be stifling to share everything. Have joint money and an allowance each. Review regularly to make sure still fair shares. No lying.

I wouldn't have a shared account until I could see he has reigned in his spending habits, Words go with the wind op.

I'd give him 3-6months of no excessive spending proof before linking to joint finances. Firstly stop paying the mortgage out of your savings.

It might be an idea to break down income and current money that's standing and set up a clear budget and standing order for savings.

Sometimes someone has to have more control of the finances but not to their detriment.

Habits die hard but hopefully with structure and a purpose it will improve.

he wouldnt want me to discuss it with my parents (who wouldnt like it much). So he knows its wrong.

Regardless of anything else, I would not want to be in a relationship with someone who discussed my or even our private business with their parents, or anyone else. HTH.

I was a spender once. I had a fair amount of debt from university, I was suffering from severe depression and the pathetic truth is it made me feel better. It became an addiction. I was made redundant and then the shit hit the fan - Id already stopped spending but couldn’t afford debt repayments and in the end I went bankrupt (I was 23 at that point, waited way too long to deal with it). I had a year of no debit card and only a basic bank account and it completely changed my life. I’m now 35 and until I had kids I’d never spend money - I now buy clothes once, maybe twice a year (always in the sales) and feel guilty about every purchase, my whole outlook has changed.

Does he want to fix this? If so, he needs to get counselling and ideally move to just using something like Apple Pay which has a spending limit (as far as I know?) and not having access to a debit card. No paypal account, nothing. It won’t get better on its own - he’s like a smoker who says they’ve quit but buys a pack every time your back is turned.

I would not want to be in a relationship with someone who discussed my or even our private business with their parents, or anyone else. HTH.

Frankly that's ridiculous. Getting other perspectives on situations is a good idea, otherwise you're in an echo chamber and what's 'normal' can quickly become skewed. Being unable to talk to anyone about what happens within a relationship is dangerous ground.

I buy 'investment pieces', and have a good stash of irreplaceable items that are kept in mint condition.
Think runway pieces from deceased designers.
Buying new clothes as 'investment pieces', then wearing them is a nonsense.
When I have spare cash, I will do it. When money is tight, I may sell some.
My family are my focus though, and I would never risk that to buy a load of tops in different colours.
My DP understands that I have certain pristine items that will hold value better than my pension.
He'd be pissed if I carried on spending when we were skint though.

He needs to be taught how to manage money, do a budget and realise exactly how much money he has to ‘play with’ each month.
He needs to be clear that once he has spent that money, he can NOT buy anything else!!

I would agree with him on what sort if goals you want (in a year, eg saving for a hols or having 3 months wage saved and easily accessible ‘just in case. In 10 years, have paid 75% of the mortgage, in 20 years having xxx saved). I KNOW life doesn’t happen like this butbthe reality is that wo goals you dint get anywhere.
Then make it something you both really want to acheive. Something to look forward to rather than an ‘away’ goal, something you want to avoid (eg no overdraft).

Review on a regular basis (as you should anyway).